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Felt that when my home was sold it should be split between two. We actually want our own home, having to relocate and our daughter wants us to move in with her.

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Aside from possible long range financial issues--consider the immediate pain you may cause the child for whom you are not buying a home.

That smacks of favoritism and is never, ever a good plan. The lack of 'fair' is probably one of the biggest problems this board sees.

My mother has financially shored up several of my sibs (and even told me about it) and never so much as gave us a cent towards anything. Is that fair? Absolutely not.

We have 5 kids and what we do for one, we do for ALL.
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Reply to Midkid58
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No, it is not fair. As you age, and need care do you have resources to use to pay for that care? This sort of transaction would be considered a gift to that child. If that happened within five years you would not be eligible for Medicaid.

Definitely see an elder law attorney for advice before considering this further. Your primary interest should be your own welfare and that you will have resources to pay for your care.
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BonnieW Jul 20, 2020
I’m a step-parent of 35 years...I never had children of my own as my 1st husband was MIA in Vietnam then declared KIA.
i married a widower with 4 children, 2 with neurological difficulties.
only the 2 off-spring with disabilities lived near us. One died. The other is still paranoid etc. other two children are very successful in their careers and have successful children.
after 35 years of marriage all I hear from the step kids is how much money is due them when their father dies.
mind you, we have helped all of these kids...they are just takers.
my husband is 88...dementia and his kid that is paranoid asks for money all of the time.
it makes my husband feel good to be able to play the traditional roll of father knows best..by financially giving this kid (63yr old w/full time job) money.
all I hear is how the kids expect to get “their share” of money inherited from their father. 35 years of marriage...and they think “our/his” estate should go to them.
where is it written that children should get the estate of a parent? Why is it that people think it’s the job of tax payers to pay for long term care if elderly citizens? I don’t get it,
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An example from my family.

Uncle Joe died. Auntie Sue had a beautiful condo, but her younger son and his wife convinced her to sell the condo to provide his family with the downpayment on a house with a granny suite. Auntie Sue did this before Uncle Joe had been dead very long.

The house was bought, it was put in her son's and his wife's name. Within a few years, the son and his wife separated, the house was sold, the son and his wife split the proceeds and Auntie Sue had nothing. She had to move, had no money for a new condo and with her limited pensions, she lived out her days in a small 2 bedroom apartment with one of her daughters.

Here in Canada, we do not have Medicaid look back, but it still is not a good idea to put funds into a home that you do not fully own.
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Reply to Tothill
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My in laws are STILL shoring up my BIL, who is over 50, and the one time, many years ago, we asked for help, they said "no". I was a bit shocked, but my husband was deeply hurt.... be careful.
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Mysteryshopper Jul 20, 2020
The family I married into is full of entitled people like your BIL. I come from a family growing up where you make your own way, so I'd never met so many people with their hand out until I met spouse's family. Always looking for their next source of cash. Living off other people. Getting upset when estates are not settled fast enough - they need "their" money after all. A lot of it was stuff people thought no one else knew about... but the stories sure got told among the family. It's scary to hear someone who has mooched thousands complaining about someone else having done the exact same thing. I can only think of one monetary gift many years ago that was actually transparent in nature and was equitably divided. Aside from that one time, thousands have been "loaned" or otherwise passed around - but not to us. In fact, I was asked to chip in to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars to release a lien on one of their homes. Why would they think I'd have that much? And to be able to throw that much away would be a different story completely.
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Do NOT cut yourself out of your home proceeds; do not buy a house with one child. That is an inheritance nightmare already. Leave both kids out of the sale until you have an idea of what you want your future to be. Then figure out a budget, and then make plans, keeping in mind that you may need a lot of money for AL or other expenses later. I wouldn't worry about being fair; I'd hesitate to give either child huge amounts of money right now.
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Reply to SFdaughter
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Fair has nothing to do with this. It is DANGEROUS. If you put money into a home for a child, and you plan on living in it in exchange for that, the money you spend on the home will be considered a gift. You will have no funds left and should you need placement and medicaid the money you put in this home could be considered a gift, and you would not qualify for help. What you are planning is something with which you need good solid informed information that is up on the legalities in your state. This means before you begin signing on ANY dotted line you need to see a LAWYER and find out all the legal repercussions. BE VERY CAREFUL. You could end destitute and without help. If you invest in a home you should do so in your own name. Who you leave things to after you are gone is, again, the work of a lawyer and a will. If you buy a new home and wish to allow your family to live with you that is up to you. If you need care you can arrange a contract to pay for that care, again with a lawyer.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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As above, this is not about "fair". This is about using your resources wisely to fund the care you will need as you age.

If you house is your only asset and unless you have a huge pension and a six figure retirement fund, you need to consider that you might need Medicaid to fund nursing home or Memory Care in 5 years.

That costs 10-12K per MONTH. So, ballpark 100-150K per year.

My mom was in a NH, private pay, for 4 1/2 years. She had a good pension from my dad and a large portfolio. If she hadn't fallen when she had, she would have lived for another year and been on Medicaid.

Do NOT buy a house with your child; do NOT comingle funds with either of your children. Consult a certified Eldercare attorney in your state who is familiar with Medicaid.
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Davenport Jul 20, 2020
Good thoughts, BarbBrooklyn. My mom also has a great pension and really good 'ahem, portfolio from my dad, which she's been living on since she was 62. Up until a few years ago, I always saw my future as being financially sound, based upon the assumption of sharing with my sisters the value of mom's house and her financial resources. Well, mom's 93 now, and seems to be holding on strong. I'm looking at the nightmare of expense of my aging. You're so right about the potential monstrous costs of care; I think your post was very well-said and helpful.
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You want your own home. Do that. Do not let your daughter convince you that buying her a home is a good plan for anyone but her.

Imagine living with her if you already feel pressured to live with her when you really want your own place. You would be miserable.

Worry about your will and your own care. If there is anything left after you both die then your adult children will get it, but do not give away any of your money now. I promise you it will not buy you anything from them and you don't really want to make them feel obligated.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Is the daughter that wants you to move in with her the same one that you think about investing your equity to buy a home?

You want to live in your own home. Why are you even considering buying a home with or living with either child?
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Reply to gladimhere
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Davenport Jul 20, 2020
gladimhere, I would think OP is even considering it is because her daughter has put mom into an extremely awkward position by even asking, and OP feels she 'can't' say no?
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Just say NO ! It sounds perfect now but we all know that nothing is perfect. For now, stay in your own home for at least a year. Then decide if you want to move. A senior apartment complex might be a good choice. You will have more social interaction with others instead of just being with your daughter all the time.
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