68 years old. Retired RN. Took care of multiple close family members till their deaths. Now 91 year old mother living alone fell Fx right humerus. Went to rehab. Got Covid in rehab. Could not put much effort into rehab. My opinion is needs assisted living/ memory care due to intermittent confusion. Sister wanted home care 24/7 aides set up by her through her job (RN)
I agreed to try..but if aides not working or showing up….I will not be the back up plan…I am done. Severe Caregiver fatigue..Have my own responsibilities at home.
Came home yesterday. Very bad condition. Cannot walk. Hallucinating. Went there this am. Aide did not show up. Reminded my sister that I would not be back up plan. Argued that she does everything…I do nothing…not true she has martyr syndrome.
Lots more to story…but bottom line is it ok to say no to a situation you thought was wrong but agreed to let her try with stipulations by me (older sister.)
no matter how skilled and caring, a burnt out caregiver will make mistakes and miss things.
if she is in a facility which can meet her needs it will free up both you and your sister to spend quality time with her as well as take care of yourself.
sometimes saying “no” is best for everyone’s sake.
you are obviously a very caring person and people will try to take advantage of that! Please don’t let them!
If it is not safe for you or mom you have every right to say no.
And by safe I mean not just physical safety but mental, emotional safety.
Tell you the truth had it been me if I arrived and mom was confused, hallucinating, could not walk I would have called 911. There are so many things that could have caused this from a UTI, dehydration, stroke, another fall and the list goes on.
Is it possible your sister wants to protect any assets for inheritance?
Is she afraid that mom will not get the care she needs in a facility either AL or MC? It sounds like she may not be getting the care she needs at home if aides do not show up.
Stand your ground. I think mom will be safer in managed care.
My younger sister chosen as poa.. I good with that she final decision maker... But u can't erase the extra years of experience I have. It was easier when I was bigger physically
And to be truthful she is closer to him as I Moved alot and now have a chronic disease. I had more experience with dimentia and elderly from part time jobs I did as teenager and my greater medical experience from living with a chronic disease.
At first agreed to work together. But there came a time when we disagreed. I ended up putting it in writing to his doctor. I felt that was the only way I could have my voice heard. In the letter I even said that everyone had a strong opinions and wanted the best for him, but I am likely the only one who put it in writing. It did go my way which I feel good about but I am the only one who put it in writing. Doc never acknowledged he received letter. I refernced both my greater experience and specific actions by dad. My sister as the POA had to sort through his financial situations which was very time-consuming. She actually took time off work to do it. I don't know if this is why your sister feels like she is doing so much, so don't negate her contributions to your father's care. And good luck! It sounds like your mother just needs to be in an assisted living facility.
Keep a log of date and time that action prove this isn't working.... Cause when u r asked it's kind of just ur opinion unless u have facts backing it up... And over time u forget the details and just make a general statement which is not as strong as details.
Bottom line u need to get ur voice heard by others besides to u sister.
By continuing to be involved in the present arrangements you are
" enabling" the sister to continue down a road of denial and, enabling poor decisions about your mother's care to continue.
Your " caregiver exhaustion" is REAL; as you recognize your boundaries as an exhausted RN and exhausted daughter, placing your own self care as a priority may seem a bit foreign but is absolutely necessary for you, your mother and, though she may not yet realize it,your sister.
Do not allow guilt tripping to be invoked by your sister who may have issues if her own preventing her from sound decisions.
Get the support you need from your faith based ( or other) Pastoral, spiritual support. Speak with your mother's physician re her need for placement.
Be sure who is named as POA, and act accordingly.
Kudos for you recognizing limits.
I had to do this with my mom, 2 years ago. Had been attempting to do the one on one care 24/7 by myself for years. Lost my mind and my life. After a 2 week hospital stay following a bad fall [also a collapsed lung -- has emphysema from smoking 3 packs a day--, resistant blood and bone infection, fungal infection in the lungs, diabetes, heart disease, incontinent, various mental health issues -- clinical depression and OCD -- and dementia]; I finally said NO, NO MORE....
I have no siblings to help or to argue with, so it was my decision. Thankfully, years before I had executed all necessary paperwork, durable financial POA, medical POA, Advanced Directive, and set up on-line access to all her accounts (had to years before as she could not handle her financial affairs or taxes, I had to do all that). Hope you have all the paperwork in place now and hope you are her POA, not your sister....
Stay firm in your decision. If things are falling apart with your mom's care (aides failing to show up, your mom is not safe alone, she has fallen) and your sister will not step in to handle and fix the situation without your help, it may be time to call adult protective services as it is "not safe" for your mom to be on her own. Let the legal system take over if your sister refuses to come to some agreement with you.
They sat in a sunroom knitting and watching soaps every day.
Worked for minimum wage!
IMPOSSIBLE to find someone like that now.
She has to realize she is putting her in danger when the aides don't show up her plan isn't working she will have to deal with an agency. If she doesn't and someone turns her in that isn't a place where I want to be but it might give her the motive to get other help.
I keep telling my mother WHAT IF YOU WEREN'T HERE where my brother is concern. There is a layer of protection each of us has when dealing with family and I know I couldn't do it for my brother. You have to make it where they stand on their own.
Prayers to you and your family.
There comes a time when a person has to say no. I was a caregiver for 25 years as my employment. I was also the go-to person for any family and in-law family who needed baby-sitting and hands-on care for the old people they didn't want to deal with. I took it on for my mother a few years ago and it has not been a good experience and I am leaving.
I am so very done with caregiving for elderly people that I need a new word for done. I'm now in the homecare business.
No more caregiving for you. At 68 you had a good career and now it's time for you to be retired. Enough is enough. She needs more care than visiting home aides can provide. Unless your sister is willing to have live-in caregivers, your mother should be put into managed care. You can advocate for her now and make sure she gets good care.
1. Sister ignored your No.
We all agreed on that!
Hold firm.
As I said, I lived this. Nowadays, if I don't agree, I just don't do. I make it simple.
"I don't agree with X. Therefore I won't be helping with X". On repeat if required. Sometimes people seem to be a little.. let's say.. 'deaf'.
2. Views can differ.
You both may have Mom's best interests in mind. But you are looking through different eyes.
- I want Mom to be happy in her home.
- I want Mom to have reliable care.
You may both agree you want Mom to be safe - that may help find common ground...
So what is SAFE for her situation?
3. Functional Level.
I pointed out to my loy lot the difference between Semi-Independent & Full Dependence.
Semi: The person was mostly independent, could use the help of an aide, but could manage without (if a cancellation). Could self-manage food, meds, dressing, toileting, hygiene.
Dependant: the person left alone is unable to self-manage taking meds correctly, eat, drink, toilet.
A grey area may be inbetween. Able to make a snack, reheat food, take meds ok but stay unwashed, undressed. This is the level my LO is at. LO says they will just 'make do' if no aide. Not ideal - but not instantly dangerous. So ok (just).
So if Mom is NOT ok without an aide, she is Dependant.
This makes her more vulnerable home alone.
This can be the start of a new discussion. Not on Home vs Care. But what is reasonable in terms of safety?
4. Backup Plan.
If Home with aides is plan A, & into Care becomes plan C - is it possible to implement a middle step? A plan B for backup aides? (Not you) A 2nd agency??
Thank you for you answer. Mom is totally dependent and not in good medical condition.
Say No and don't think twice about it.
In a country with so many in the Healthcare field, so few end up doing the actual "hands on" caregiving. While visiting my Mom at the nursing home before she passed, it was always a treat to have visiting nursing students doing their "practicals" in the nursing home. They were so enthusiastic, cheerful and eager to "get their hands dirty" in caring for the patients. Unfortunately, when they graduate to RNs and LPNs, they won't be hands on anymore. Their job will be handling the meds for the patients/residents. CNAs are the worst paid and have the most duties to care for the patients. There aren't enough of them and the turnover is rampant. It's just a fact.
You said no.
Your sister ignored your no.
She then attempted to guilt & manipulate you into saying yes. To suit her purpose.
That is NOT OK.
Point that out.
"I agreed to try..but if aides not working or showing up….I will not be the back up plan…I am done".
I have said & done exactly the same. I had to.
The motto *Lead, Follow Get* has really helped me.
If your sister won't let you Lead (with your plan), & you don't agree with hers, so cannot Follow her plan - only option left is *Get*. Get outta the way & let her do it herself.
If sister's plan fails - well.. sister needs to live it. So then she knows. Then can make NEW plans.
Your sister needs to travel her own path of emotions and needs here. Hopefully for all of you her path to reality will be short but those demons can be strong and stubborn too. Step in and put your foot down when your moms safety is at high risk but it may take a trip or two to the hospital for your sister to let go of her dream and you can be there for her but it may have to be your turn to do it the way you see fit and she needs to go with it at that point. Do your research now so you have a head start on the process and hopefully things will be a little less stressful when you both need to take the step of moving her permanently. Even knowing it needs to happen doesn’t make it easy emotionally, take care of yourself.
Unlike you, I learned as an RN that I could not EVER do home caregiving for family. I simply knew my limitations and that's one of them. I loved being an RN, was well paid, and had to work three days a week with 5 weeks vacation. That isn't what caring for a loved one at home is, and I knew I never could do it.
I would seek help. I would try to seek out a licensed certified Social Worker who does private practice counseling as she or he will be best at helping you to know that you simply cannot do it all in this manner.
It is not only OK to say "no" but it is crucial to your own well being to be honest. We suffer for those we love, but throwing ourselves on the altar of sacrifice of our own lives does no good to anyone. Recognize and honor your limitations so that you can provide what support you are able with a full and open heart. I am so sorry for what you are going through. And for your loved one as well.
Now 20 years later after the emotional toil this took on me I finally realize that I could never do this again. This is why I am taking the stand now with caring for my mother at home. I wish I was smarter earlier on. The PTSD is real. Thank you for your kind answer.
I am working on moving out next year but that would leave my brother as my mom's sole caretaker
The decision is rarely easy to make.
Yes its OK to say no. Sounds like sister is passive-aggressive. Place Mom in a nice LTC.
When you say no, you are not responsible for the reaction you get.
(Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud)