In general to me it is the ego speaking, confirmation that one is the all.
Seniors do best when not isolated and spend time with ppl their own age.
At home caregivers in many cases do not either understand this or let their ego get in the way of sound decision making, they will save the day, fix their LO and so on.
I have never understood the comment "LO is happier living with me", how can one make such a statement? No one truly understands what can or cannot make another happy. Again it is the ego speaking.
Thank you everyone for your words. I agree it is about what a person NEEDS that is important, and I intend to always remember that. Struggling with happiness and "would she be happier" thoughts are only going to bring me down because as many of you said , dementia is just to complex to have any clear answers. But I do appreciate everyones opinion, it is so helpful to see other perspectives. Thank you .
I think it is in no way easy to live with other people. Not spouses, not partners, not roommates. And I think the very most difficult relationships of ALL are the ones of adult children and their adult parents. Too many expectations. Too much freedom to bicker with one another and fall into childish patterns. I will be honest. I am 81 and my daughter is 62 and she is just the loveliest thing on earth. And we do REALLY well for a month every summer and miss one another a ton until next meeting. BUT as far as living with someone? Nope. Would rather a roommate close in age to me. Fewer expectatiosn. Fewer ways to go wrong. Fewer expectations. Fewer triggers to childhood wrong turns and parental failure. Just my personal opinion. With a grown parent living with a child the disinhibition is REALLY strong and really QUICK. I wouldn't want to do that to my kid. Not for a second.
My mother insisted she'd have been happier living with me than living in Memory Care Assisted Living.
The truth is, we were oil and water, she and I. We would've been miserable living together and she'd have been bored to tears as she ALWAYS required entertainment and activities to stay amused.
She was always busy at the MC, putting on the Ritz for the aides and the residents, yucking it up, doing activities, eating 3 hot meals a day, going on scenic bus rides etc. Plus she got to dress up every day and look nice. What would she have had to do at MY house? Nothing. She was wheelchair bound and bored to death on a good day. I couldn't schlep her and her wheelchair around to places, no way.
So she saved all her complaining and misery for ME, yet had a nice life in Memory Care Assisted Living. I always visited and checked on her, so I KNOW she was well cared for.
For me to assume she'd have been happier living with me would've been foolish AND a bit egotistical, yes, in spite of her insisting she would have. She was a world class complainer ANYWAY, so to think with dementia she was going to be super happy anywhere is quite silly.
How do you measure ‘happiness’? There are people who seem OK in care, but then turn on the complaints when the LO comes to visit. Posters have got as far as cameras to monitor this. ‘Unhappy’ when the LO visits, ‘happy’ after they leave?
Are you saying that people are happier staying with you in your home rather than being in a facility?
Personally, I think it’s delusional thinking. Emotions become jumbled in caregiving situations.
Unless a person has said that they don’t want to go to a facility, who knows where they might be happier?
It also depends on if they have dementia and how advanced it is. Sometimes people with advanced dementia don’t even recognize their children anymore.
Sure, egos get in the way at times but it’s most likely because so many people feel terrible about placing their family members in a facility.
They are struggling to let go because they feel like they are abandoning their family member.
They feel like they can give one on one attention to the person in need. They don’t realize that in time the job will consume all of their energy.
One person cannot do the job of an entire staff. They will have to hire additional help or place their family member in a facility when more care is needed.
It’s important to remember that caregivers can be wonderful advocates for their family members in a facility.
Often people become better caregivers as an advocate because they will not burn out like those who try to do everything on their own at home.
“Unless a person has said that they don’t want to go to a facility, who knows where they might be happier?” Unless they have gone to a facility, and settled in, not even the person needing care knows how happy or unhappy they would be there. This site is usually dealing with people who ‘don’t want’ and carers who ‘cant’. My mother used to say “Needs must when the devil drives’, and the devil drives dementia.
Is this about wresting control of a sick elderly person from someone that you don't believe she's happy being around?
Whatever, keep ego out of who's going to get to care for mom. "She likes me best." "No, she likes me best." "Wah wah wah, you know she' always happiest with me." "No, me! Me me me!"
Usually when there's a contest over trying to get the approval of a parent who needs caregiving, nobody wins and everyone is soon ready to put the parent out to the curb with the garbage.
Now in another context, such as if you're asking if it's egotistical to assume your husband is happier being with you, the answer is no. You're both happier with each other, and that's why you got married. Presumably.
As much as I would love to say that my DH is "happier" being with me, and I know that I am happiest with him.....we also have to keep in mind that the ONLY person's happiness that we can be responsible for is our own.
Does that mean if at some point I were to need more care than he can possibly provide, and we don't have the funds for 24/7 care at home, that he shouldn't do what is best for him and for me and consider placement in a residential facility?
No.
Here's why. Happiness is subjective at best. Medication can give you euphoria that mimics happiness. You can be happy today and sad tomorrow.
BUT, at the end of the day - what people HAVE to consider - no matter how much we think someone is happier with us - is that their NEEDS are actually more important than their happiness.
That sounds awful. But it's true. I have yet to meet someone who was just running screaming TOWARDS a residential facility. No one is HAPPY about having to move to one or realistically having to move someone they love to one.
BUT you have to consider EVERYONE's happiness and needs, not just those of one person.
So to your question - is it egotistical to assume someone is happier being with you? My answer is - not always but it can be. If you assume that they are happiest with you and someone else who deserves to be happy has to sacrifice in order to make that happen. If you want them with you because you don't think that anyone else can possibly take as good of care of them. Ego could be creeping in some yes.
At it's core, we all want to believe that the people we love are happier with us. Of course we do. And that's not ego.
But when we use happiness as a measure of their needs, and we aren't able to physically or emotionally continue on, but we do so "for their good" - some ego (or some other emotional baggage) may be stepping in, in place of the ability to weigh the pros and cons.
Seniors do best when not isolated and spend time with ppl their own age.
At home caregivers in many cases do not either understand this or let their ego get in the way of sound decision making, they will save the day, fix their LO and so on.
I have never understood the comment "LO is happier living with me", how can one make such a statement? No one truly understands what can or cannot make another happy. Again it is the ego speaking.
Complex issue for sure.
I will be honest. I am 81 and my daughter is 62 and she is just the loveliest thing on earth. And we do REALLY well for a month every summer and miss one another a ton until next meeting. BUT as far as living with someone? Nope. Would rather a roommate close in age to me. Fewer expectatiosn. Fewer ways to go wrong. Fewer expectations. Fewer triggers to childhood wrong turns and parental failure.
Just my personal opinion. With a grown parent living with a child the disinhibition is REALLY strong and really QUICK. I wouldn't want to do that to my kid. Not for a second.
The truth is, we were oil and water, she and I. We would've been miserable living together and she'd have been bored to tears as she ALWAYS required entertainment and activities to stay amused.
She was always busy at the MC, putting on the Ritz for the aides and the residents, yucking it up, doing activities, eating 3 hot meals a day, going on scenic bus rides etc. Plus she got to dress up every day and look nice. What would she have had to do at MY house? Nothing. She was wheelchair bound and bored to death on a good day. I couldn't schlep her and her wheelchair around to places, no way.
So she saved all her complaining and misery for ME, yet had a nice life in Memory Care Assisted Living. I always visited and checked on her, so I KNOW she was well cared for.
For me to assume she'd have been happier living with me would've been foolish AND a bit egotistical, yes, in spite of her insisting she would have. She was a world class complainer ANYWAY, so to think with dementia she was going to be super happy anywhere is quite silly.
Personally, I think it’s delusional thinking. Emotions become jumbled in caregiving situations.
Unless a person has said that they don’t want to go to a facility, who knows where they might be happier?
It also depends on if they have dementia and how advanced it is. Sometimes people with advanced dementia don’t even recognize their children anymore.
Sure, egos get in the way at times but it’s most likely because so many people feel terrible about placing their family members in a facility.
They are struggling to let go because they feel like they are abandoning their family member.
They feel like they can give one on one attention to the person in need. They don’t realize that in time the job will consume all of their energy.
One person cannot do the job of an entire staff. They will have to hire additional help or place their family member in a facility when more care is needed.
It’s important to remember that caregivers can be wonderful advocates for their family members in a facility.
Often people become better caregivers as an advocate because they will not burn out like those who try to do everything on their own at home.
Whatever, keep ego out of who's going to get to care for mom.
"She likes me best."
"No, she likes me best."
"Wah wah wah, you know she' always happiest with me."
"No, me! Me me me!"
Usually when there's a contest over trying to get the approval of a parent who needs caregiving, nobody wins and everyone is soon ready to put the parent out to the curb with the garbage.
Now in another context, such as if you're asking if it's egotistical to assume your husband is happier being with you, the answer is no. You're both happier with each other, and that's why you got married. Presumably.
Does that mean if at some point I were to need more care than he can possibly provide, and we don't have the funds for 24/7 care at home, that he shouldn't do what is best for him and for me and consider placement in a residential facility?
No.
Here's why. Happiness is subjective at best. Medication can give you euphoria that mimics happiness. You can be happy today and sad tomorrow.
BUT, at the end of the day - what people HAVE to consider - no matter how much we think someone is happier with us - is that their NEEDS are actually more important than their happiness.
That sounds awful. But it's true. I have yet to meet someone who was just running screaming TOWARDS a residential facility. No one is HAPPY about having to move to one or realistically having to move someone they love to one.
BUT you have to consider EVERYONE's happiness and needs, not just those of one person.
So to your question - is it egotistical to assume someone is happier being with you? My answer is - not always but it can be. If you assume that they are happiest with you and someone else who deserves to be happy has to sacrifice in order to make that happen. If you want them with you because you don't think that anyone else can possibly take as good of care of them. Ego could be creeping in some yes.
At it's core, we all want to believe that the people we love are happier with us. Of course we do. And that's not ego.
But when we use happiness as a measure of their needs, and we aren't able to physically or emotionally continue on, but we do so "for their good" - some ego (or some other emotional baggage) may be stepping in, in place of the ability to weigh the pros and cons.