Is it dementia if my mother is only mean to me?

Yes! She resents her loss of independence and control. She's in the early stages, early enough to know she is losing ground and angry about it. Since you are the closest, you get the abuse and blame for everything.
As for elder care, if you didn't get along growing up, you probably won't get along now. Once she takes this to the level of disrupting your relationship with your daughter, you are perfectly justified to move out.

Reasonable people will not give her credit. I wonder why your daughter took her side. I guess she's too young to think better. Don't let it bother you. The important thing is that you're conscience is clear. Base your feelings on that.

Sorry for the spelling mistakes!

Pamstegma.. I love your pragmatic contributions to the threads of mostly desperate needs of us. I can identify with Petsilove's situation except I was so very close to my dad when growing up. It was both my sisters that were the isolated ones, they were never treated kindly. However now, I'm the one who is isolated by my dad, I gave up my job, put everything else on hold to care for my dying father. Bit he resented my help and although I didn't see I was taking over, clearly that's what I was doing. I'm back in my own home now and he is still alive but deteriorating after 11 months. He won't even acknowledge my presence now and asks his girlfriend to tell me not to visit. So Petsilove, please take care and hold on to your dignity xx

True that dementia has a way of bringing out the sore spots in relationships. The rub is that you are the one putting in the valiant effort to keep your mom safe and in her own home. Try to find a good neurologist or psychiatrist that will balance out your mom's medications. Some patients keep getting angrier. You need to be sure she is safe, and part of that is keeping her calm and happy. You'd be surprised what just a small tweak in meds can change for the better.
I care for my mom and just had a General Doctor giving her meds. At a certain point seems nothing worked. I simply had to quit GUESSING...and a psychiatrist took her off one drug, had her take a current med at night instead of day and added 1/2 a tablet of another. She is a changed person. She's 87, active so I didn't want to over-drug her. That's what I mean.
Bless you on your journey!! Keep always in mind it really IS the disease.

Sometimes people with dementia will fixate on one person and blame that person for everything. Oddly, the person singled out in this way may have been a favorite before dementia because dementia is just that perverse Talk to a professional about how to deal with this from your own perspective and especially since there are other familiy members involved. Your family members all need to learn about the problem from a professional (not you) who can help all of you work together for now and maintain good or better family relationships after your mother is gone. That professional can help you deal with old issues and Mom's manipulativeness. You'll learn new ways to respond to your mother and to your own emotions. You'll gain a sense of empowerment that will help with your frustration also. Set a goal to make the current situation tolerable now and family life better in the long run. Choose to be a catalyst for those changes and not a victim of old and new unworkable family dynamics.

I have been the one always closest to my mom and she has not talked to me in six months and has been unbelievable mean to me. Prior I'd talk to her 2-3 times daily. I would have my parents over for dinner weekly. She is very mean to my dad and has had numerous issues with my sister a couple of years ago who lives far away. She is calling and talking bad about every to anyone who will listen. It is heartbreaking and I took it very personal initially but now am finally seeing it as the new normal. It's taken six months to get here after really beating myself up.as I look back symptoms of depression, racing thoughts, running behavior, quitting groups she had been involved in for years, confusion, etc. I have no support from siblings which has made it very difficult. Right now my focus is on my dad and his health and concern for his mental health having to live with her on again off again vicious behavior. This is so not fun so take care of your mental health so you can be there when needed.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this petsilove ! I agree that often it's the person who is providing the most care who is singled out for criticism. The person being cared for resents the loss of independence and would lash out at anyone. Sometimes we caregivers really are taking over their lives and their resentment is understandable. At times, caregivers could do things better, but at other times there seems to be no other way to handle these difficult changes.

One note about the daughter believing the grandmother: I've seen this happen when others don't know the degree of mental deterioration. They listen to someone like the grandmother complain and believe her because she sounds so clear and mentally sound. In this case, the daughter doesn't seem to understand that this is the disease talking. It's heartbreaking but not unusual.

There are times when family members aren't the best full time caregivers. Either because of family dynamics or because of dementia, the person with the disease is better off in the case of others through no fault of their caregiver. Remember, too, that not all dementia is Alzheimer's and some types of dementia bring about big personality changes, paranoia and even hatred of a single person in the family. If this happens, it helps no one to continue trying to be the primary caregiver.

The fact that you and your mother didn’t get alone before makes all of this harder. Likely, subconsciously, you want to show her that you are a wonderful daughter. She, on the other hand, is just getting worse. Don’t blame yourself. You’re in an impossible situation (if you want some peace). Try to get her care from other sources.
Take care,
Carol

I am glad you reached out to us. In my experience, most persons with ALZ play the blame game, where someone is always the bad guy. Often it is the caregiver and I have seen it rotate. For example, the caregiver is the bad guy when the person with dementia is talking with her son. Her son or daughter is the bad guy when talking with the caregiver. Unfortunately, they no longer can see how distorted this behavior is. Persons with memory problems often resent caregivers because memory loss often manifests itself as paranoia. This can be lies about the caregiver or children or a belief that someone is acting against them. Often they will resist advice from one person, but accept it from another.
You are in a tough spot because others believe her. They need to learn more about the type of dementia your mother has. Good luck

Create your own HAPPINESS is the only answer I have for you as this is the only one that has worked for me thus far. I am sharing with you because I know exactly what you are saying and I have tried to analyze it myself but that in itself will make you crazy...:) Don't look back except on the good times and find the good in ALL things and if you spend time doing that then the stuff that your Mom throws at you will not be so hard. I have a hard time myself but I get up each day and sing happy songs to get her in a up-beat mood as well as myself.
I am not here to judge or tell anyone what to do but I am here to be a friend so if you have to vent "STOP" , sing a happy song and come on line! :D
Much love and light to you and your Mom!

Im sorry you are going through this. Caregiving changes our lives and when others judge what or how we are doing something, it can be disappointing and infuriating! Find other supportive people in your life to talk to. They are out there!

I agree with all of the above.

And one funny comment, if choosing only one person to hate means dementia, then my 32-year-old daughter has dementia. Actually, she had it two weeks before her twelfth birthday...

My mother has dementia too, and I live in another state, so for the longest time she views me favorably and doesn't blame me for her loss of independence...however that might all change because as a family we are discussing having her move to my town. (notice I didn't say in my house....not sure about this part yet)

Anyway, my mom has decided to fixate her blame on the caregiver, who has done nothing but be helpful. She keeps saying that the caregiver bosses her around. Mind you, my mother has ALWAYS been kind of bossy, so I think she is very resentful of anyone else who approaches decision making in a bossy manner. I have learned, when I visit, to try to really watch my wording, trying to give Mom choices when possible. I often wonder if the caregiver does the same thing, or perhaps without realizing it, she's coming across as bossy.

This is my personal experience. My Mom has temporal lobe dementia and is 95. I live with her and provide 24/7 care. Quite sometime ago, maybe around 6 months, I can't quite recall, my Mom no longer recognized me. She was very polite and kind when she didnt "know" who I am. That behavior is way out of character for her because historically she didn't like me and was rude and sarcastic. When she does "know" who I am she reverts back to her antipathetic ways. As sad as it is, I'd rather her not recognize me because she is so nice and willingly accepts my help and assistance. Dementia is a *itch.

Who knew our parents would turn against us...the one doing all the hard stuff...my heart goes out to you...the pain and rejection that goes with it...but...we do it for the right reasons...if mom was walking into traffic..we would stop her...the siblings who don't help..they are the heros..this is life...I wish it were otherwise...I'm learning about forgiveness ..towards her...and myself for the feeling angry at her..she never was a good mom..why do I think she would be now...so need to focus on the good things in our lives..we are not how they treat us..

I have a similar problem. My Mom broke her hip last fall, and moved back into her own home the beginning of this year. She has moderate dementia. She socializes well with others, and is quite lucid and interesting discussing events in her past and recent books she has read. I'm her only child living nearby, so it's fallen on me to do various things on her behalf. Normally, we get along pretty well, but she has gotten very angry at me over some pretty trivial things (such as looking in her refrigerator to see what foods she has eaten, what food has gone bad, and what needs to be put on the grocery list). Anytime I open the refrigerator door, she goes bananas! Same thing with most "safety" issues -- an attitude of "I'm going to live the way I want, and if I die, I die." I hired a home care person to come several times a week to do housecleaning, laundry, help her bathe, and so on. She gets mad at her, too, and tells me all sorts of negative things about the woman when I visit her. I've come to realize that it's my Mom's fear of "losing control" over her circumstances that underlies all of this. She has been a strong, independent woman all of her life, divorced my father almost 50 years ago, and has taken care of herself ever since. She's sees this slipping away from her. I can imagine how awful it would be if I moved in with her. My sister comes to visit several times each year, and stays at the house with our mom. She has told me that "just being there" for more than a couple days upsets my mom greatly. She feels her presence upsets her normal living routines, creating anxiety, and rejects any "help" my sister tries to provide. She'll tell my sister about things that I've done or decided that she doesn't like, just like you're experiencing. (Although in fairness, she will praise me if I do something she likes). I've come to accept it for what it is -- not something personal, but more a reflection of her own frustrations coming out as anger towards whoever happens to be close by. I've learn to back off from arguments I know I can't win. One of the best tips I've gotten from this site is "it's better to be kind, than to be right". I try to avoid confrontations with her, and look for other paths to achieve the desired result. I bite my tongue a lot!

Hi ,
I am my mum's primary care taker for 6 years now, since she had a stroke in 2009 and became bedridden . I had many heated exchanges with a few of my siblings over her care, main complaint from me is they are not willing to come and spend some time with her and to help around when I need to travel overseas . 1 day, i was sitting in the car porch , with tears streaming down my face and I asked the Lord why did I get so much trouble , despite trying to do what is right . The Lord's answer to my question was very clear : it is because I look to men for help and not Him. But He is the only one with answers and provision . I have never looked back since .. I still have some outbursts with some siblings on and off , but I learnt to let go. And God , in His mercy and grace , will provide and sent help .. one way or another . Once I learnt to commit my problems to the Lord, I was connected back to a ery supportive brother , who comes as soon as I sent SOS . Key taking away is PRAY and learn to trust God . He , being our Father , shall answer us when we cry out to Him. Hope this sharing help. Lots of love and hugs from me to all here, who are tasked with looking after our aged parents . But you know what , God is delighted with those who honour their parents , and our days shall be blessed and long, as in His fifth commandment . Honour your parents , so that your days shall be long .

Wow, I am so glad I found this site. There are other going what I am going through!! My step mother has never been diagnosed with dementia. She is 99 but has always blamed me for every and anything she can't find or goes wrong. Instead of saying "Oh the bills haven't come yet can you check on it" Its a screaming fit she goes into calling me every name in the book and accusing me of taking them to spite or hurt her. Not sure what this insecurity comes from when it comes to me or my siblings. All we have ever done is help her. She used to get to me where I would go for months as she requested until something happens and the neighbors call me to intervene. Now, when I go there and she gets like that I say " OK, see you tomorrow." most times when I go back she's ok or still angry. Before I used to cry and get very down and now I just say ok see you tomorrow. It is very draining still. She has been this way with us for as long as I can remember. Maybe it's some kind of By Polar

It is extremely frustrating when you do the difficult work for them every day and it's not appreciated. The real kicker is when they treat you like crap and then badmouth you to whoever will listen. Everything about taking care of someone with dementia seems to be turned on its head and we need to adjust our normal expectations. Luckily for us no one comes to visit. When they do it is so frustrating when they say she's as "with it" as she always was because we know she is far from that. With people from her distant past she can come up with some old memories to talk about so she sounds like her old self. New people get a polite, quiet person because she doesn't have a memory to talk about with them. We get the day to day arguments, snide comments and demands. I'm not sure how we can get people who don't deal with them on a regular basis to understand this unless they take over caregiving for a significant period of time. We dealt with it from their perspective when my mother in law was in assisted living. She would call and complain about people treating her badly and we would be on the phone with the facility complaining. Once she came to stay with us there was a light bulb moment and we realized what was going on then. Perhaps the granddaughter needs to come and do the caregiving for a few weeks. It's the only way she might come to understand what's going on.

Some great replies here. I volunteered to take care of my folks, even though I never got on well w/ my mother. I'm the oldest of 8 and she has lots of my sibs to complain to about me. She's 92 and the Dr says there's NOTHING wrong with her except dementia. I'm bailing out- going back to CA and we're putting her into a (very nice) assisted living place. So now her little temper tantrums
will be spread out over some professionals who are better able to deflect her. We recently had an actual tornado (rare here) and we have an actual storm shelter in the basement and she refused to go to the basement because she in her deafness couldn't hear the sirens. I thought of trying to carry her but I was afraid some bone would break. Good post. Thanks for letting me vent.

I can only say my mom has dementia and trusted my two half brothers then my druggy son over me... She lost her coin collection and over $100,000. Then I stepped in threw my son out with a court order. My one brother beat me up 2 times. But I saved her money. SHe would not listen before. Her temperament definitely changed after my Dad's passing. I have done ALOT for both parents. I think it makes them cranky, I have still had spats with mom. Never did before.

No, and how you describe your past relationship should be an indication of your present one. Find her another companion and wish her well because living with her is only detrimental to YOUR health.

you have had a good broad response and I hope it has helped.
Yes it happens my father never liked having any children and to get 5 was all OUR fault. His dementia meant that he decided upon things and they became fact.
He definitely turned my siblings away from me. and as I challenged him once. HOW WOULD HE KNOW when he said Id do this or organise that. when he hadnt spoken to me, or seen me for 18mths. I also asked the 'other' siblings that went along with his knowledge, how could it be.
but he left my mother in a mess when he died, and yes Im now the one caring for her but she is in a secure rest home. She accepts I am her guardian, and I am the one she wants when the demons hit her. so the rest home staff know I am the one who can calm her down. Other times she doesnt know me,
One sister she went through the hate phase about and it seems was very rude to her about 3yrs ago now she knows nothing about her. Memory plays awful tricks when its lost, its the bits that then stick together and make up a new story.
I will say that if you were not the popular child that will come out more and more. do not respond by trying to change it, accept it.......... and do whatever duty you think you need to, but please dont burn your boiler. Back off, and allow yourself to have a life, else you will land up being a bitter old woman in a rest home, with only bad memories gluing things together. Get some good ones, tucked away

Petsilove I am so sorry that you are having this problem. It is heartbreaking how dementia effects the brain and the family. My husband has dementia and also had a stroke a couple of years ago. He had become almost impossible to live with because of his paranoia, temper tantrums, and blaming. I sought help from a Senior Care group that specializes in the mental/emotional problems brought on by the dementia. They put my husband on a number of antidepressants and antipsychotics and he has improved tremendously. They also gave me a fast acting sedative for times when he was becoming uncontrollable. It has made a big difference in both our lives. He was so hateful to our son and daughter-in-law (the only ones I had to help me) that they no longer want to see him. They don't want our grandchildren around him either. It has really left me isolated. When he is around other people, he is so jovial it is unbelievable! Fortunately, if my son isn't around, he is usually cooperative with me (as long as he's on his meds). He has always been jealous of the close relationship I have with our son and now that he is out of the picture (he was transferred out of state by his employer) my husband talks about how happy he is that he has me all to himself. Meanwhile, I am so sad and depressed about not seeing my kids and I was especially close to my 3 year old grandson.
I would encourage you to find someone that treats seniors with this problem; medication really helped my husband and it may be what your mom needs.
God bless you & your mom!

Oh gosh. It is so tragic when the brain illness turns into this kind of mean behavior. As for BeBethany, very, very sad. Just remember, that's really not your dad anymore and treasure the memories you had when he was whole and exhibited his love for you. But to any caregiver who is mistreated, I say if you can afford it, find a place for your relative. Maybe medicade would be the answer. Can you afford help to come in during the day. Your health is every bit as important as others. THAT IS honoring your father and mother. And honoring yourself, as you should. Care giving is so difficult. No one deserves this mistreatment in addition.

Slipjean, make a superhuman effort to see your grandson. They are little for such a short time. Maybe you can put him in a NH for a couple of days while you go. If he doesn't like it, so what, you really need the respite. My heart goes out to you, can you Skype or use some other means of talking to him? If you have a smart phone you can do it on there. I talk to one of my grandsons that way. If you don't have a computer or smart phone, get one and learn how to do that.

Since Grandma moved in this past November, she looks at me & my husband as her enemies & only people who take care of her. She expresses her wants/needs mainly her wants through whomever comes in the home. Never to me/husband. This changed after she moved in with us. We became the enemies. Always through nurses & psychologist, not to us. Her needs are well taken care of. Her wants is always as no sooner than you satisfy one thing, she wants something else. Never ending...I told psychologist this morning I am drawing the line ....under no circumstances am I allowing this 94 year old woman to manipulate whomever comes into my home to use them to get us to do something especially when she refused to do things when she lived in independent living. Not that she can't do things, she refuses. She treats us like the hired help & she isn't paying for any care from us...I have a princess on my hands that has dimentia, psychiatric issues Possibly Bipolar/personality disorder & is in heart failure not to mention sundowners. I am the grand-daughter-in-law whom has been care-giving for her for almost 3 years at my expense. Neurologist said its more psychiatric than dementia. She is a master manipulator. She wants 24 hour attention & a MAN!
We put her in Elder Day for 3 days a week at her expense. She started about 2 weeks ago & it does help! Try to get help...unfortunately I have to get more to accommodate the excessive & endless wants. She would not take care of herself & ended up in heart failure. She could have made it to 100! No kidding. Now, she thinks my house is a free-for-all to do whatever/whenever. She wants to do all the things she wouldn't do in independent living including me running her back to the place where she said she didn't like living, people, staff etc...always complaining, nothing good enough. She wants to run my house from her princess chair.
This woman is mean, spiteful, hateful & will do anything including harming herself for attention. I can't prove the self-harming as I have yet to catch her....but she has a repetitive pattern after doc tells her to come back in 3 months, You can bet I will have her back within 10 days for something. She is not a sickly person...no major diseases, not even incontinence! She doesn't even catch colds! I had the flu twice & had to take care of her...she never caught it! She wants to be sick so she gets more attention! We pulled her out of independent living as she started wandering....+ hospital doc said she needs to go to facility. My husband did not want to see her go to one.I told my husband this week, if she does not cooperate, deliberately hurts herself, when I say I am done, SHE HAS TO GO!

Slipjean, Boy, I wasn't clear at all. Put husband in NH, not grandson.
I have Google Hangouts on my cell phone. There are other video conferencing programs/apps. Ask your son to help you.

My Mother did the very same thing. No one ever believed some of the things she was doing and saying to me until they spent some time with her. It was at this point that we decided to move her to AL facility. I no longer visit her because of the way she talks to me, about me and the way she treats me. I am her only child - my Dad is gone and this makes me sad. At some level I had hoped the dementia/ALZ would cause her to become "softened" in some way and we could finally have a relationship. That has not happened. Best wishes on this journey and never, ever forget to take care of yourself.

Also, since we do not have additional family members to assist with her, very limited on family, we have to rely on outside support. I have also contacted a home health aid to come in & bathe her since she refuses to wash at all. Its been 6 weeks since the home health aid came through VNA. You have to get some help. I found out the hard way, you cannot do it all by yourself if you do not have any family support even if its a listening ear. I am starting to emotionally disconnect from her. If I am to keep caring for her, my role will be strictly caregiver. I can no longer support a one-sided relationship with her. I realize she has issues & I am a very caring & compassionate person. However, I am not her door mat nor her personal slave. She does nothing to help herself at all, but wants every one to do it for her including her bathroom business! Like I said in my previous post, she is not an invalid. She is very capable of helping herself, she wants everything done for her.