Is it better to stay or leave?

Trust me. I know how you feel. My mother makes ISIS look like the Pope. She says cruel, untrue, nasty, mean and vicious things to me all of the time. I've learned to simply walk out of the room. She is, and always was, a self-centered person who felt that her children were created to serve her needs. Toxic people are like tornadoes. You can't fight them...you can only survive them.

Thankless.....yes it IS the dementia...the loss of a filter...and the entire disease. I see it sometimes with my own mother. BUT, it is also a stage, and it sounds like, by reading, that your Mom is transitioning to where she's not sure it's you and thinks you are her sister. NOW....when/if she continues to say 'bad things' about you, you, being her sister, can gently correct....or discuss these issues in different ways.... like, " Oh, I know that legally all your money has to be spent on your care..." NOT have a long discussion to correct things....but just plant a seed about it, and then go on. "Oh, I know she was just here and paid your bill. I think she is doing a good job" My Mom used to get into a paranoid mood and think I was 'stealing' her money....and that I was planning to make her leave her home...etc. Of course, some truth there, but only because she was not safe at home and was running out of her money. Anyhow, if she told this to her caregiver....or even to my face....the answer back to her was, " Well why don't you call your lawyer and ask him. All your money has to be accounted for to your lawyer. I am sure he could tell you exactly what is going on." And the lawyer had agreed to be the 'bad guy' who would say how he knew exactly what I was doing with the money and the bills and that he approved all of it.

When my mother gets in one of 'those' moods, I just leave....but I do always tell her, " Mom, I love you....and I am doing my best here. It's not easy, but I will not be treated mean over it. I am leaving now and I'll call you later..." I tell her when she's been rude to me. AND, I've even told her that if I am doing it so wrong, I can call the lawyer and she can pay someone to do all this for her, so I can just come and do fun things with her. But of course, she doesn't want any more money used to pay a third party and let them make decisions! Also, another idea that works for me....when she's in a twit....stage....go for only activities, or take a friend...a third party she does not know. She will keep her words in check then. Or go when there is an activity you can go to with her...music, exercise, so it's not sit there and listen to her talk. I would often say to Mom.....interrupt the bad talk and say, " Let's go down and get a cup of coffee' or "lets go over and listen to the music that is playing'....and just get her going somewhere out of her room....so her mood would leave her. BUT...I would never stay and 'take it'! Sorry Mom, but I guess you are in a bit of a bad room, so I'm going now. I'll be back in a couple days.....or next Sunday or whaever works to say. Kiss her goodbye, tell her you love her and LEAVE! Just don't get into arguing or a defensive mode with her. You don't like what she says....just say, " Mom, that was rude. I am doing my best. IF you are so upset today, I am just going to go do the rest of my errands and I'll be back later...."

Good Morning, First, you may not get the thanks you deserve, buy you are certainly to be thanked for working so hard to make your Mom's last few years pleasant. If being her 'sister' works, by all means go with it!! You might let the staff know, if you think that would derail any further days like the 11th and the Dr. appointment!
My dad has full-blown Alzeimers, in an ALF with Mom who tries to help him, but she is losing some Memory, too. So, far, so good, but I expect the time will come when they will need more help than the ALF can provide. Until then, we each visit when we can, giving Mom the support we can and trying to keep in touch with the Staff as they are so good to both of them. God bless you All!!

Yes, you have been so good about trying be a loyal child. Just remember, your mom probably won't remember the visit. So time should not be the issue. I have my 90 yr old mom-in-law here at our house with Alzheimer's. Some days are bizarre. And you need to be able to adjust at any time. Good Luck.

4/11/16
Update: Mom had a doctor's appt. 2 weeks ago. When I got to her facility, the c/g told her, "Your DAUGHTER is here to take you to the doctor." Boy, was she mad. She treated me badly for the first 2 hours, (as above) then switched to telling me she wanted to die around 30 times in the next 2 hours. I wound up raising my voice to tell her that only God can take her and He will in His own time. I was exhausted when the day was over.
Fast forward to today. I walked in and she obviously didn't recognize me. She said, "I know I've seen you before, aren't we related? You're my sister, aren't you? I agreed and she took my hand and held it most of the visit. We had a nice chat then I called her 3 siblings so she could talk to them.
I will remain her "sister" because it works better that way. It's SO hard to remember not to say "Mom", however! I'm glad I found something that works!

Give her absolutely no response. If she doesn't back off, leave. If you are like most of us you've got enough going on to carry this .

So sorry, sounds like one skill your mom has retained is knowing how to push your buttons. Perhaps one day soon she will be sitting at God's knee and He will be telling her how it really was and she will send you the love you deserve...I hope so!

What pops into my head is:
No more visits, but SEND HER GREETING CARDS EVERY WEEK!
She will do what she is going to do to the card, and not to you!
Write what you need to say, but she doesn't want to listen to in your presence.
Tell her how much you love... (loved) her if you want to.
Pour it all out on the cards, and there should be either no guilt or LESS anxiety for you.
Staff at facilities do arrange cards on wall or cork board.
It is up to her, and what's left of her conscience to accept what you tell her.
So sorry not all stories have a loving and caring ending.
Save yourself, you are not the enemy.
Mental illness is.
Many hugs and best wishes. 99cent store has good cards.
It will be therapeutic! !!!!!!
M88♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡

thankless - I have seen my mother a few times a year and it is hard. I am a distance care giver. If she gets specially nasty I leave even then. The stress is not worth it. There is no rule that you have to go every week, other than the rule you made yourself. You can change the rules. She does not seem to benefit from her daughter's visit. If you stay her sister in her eyes and enjoy the visit, keep going. If not. don't go. She is being cared for. You are making sure of that and that is your only obligation in my mind. You are not obliged to go and be abused - dementia or not. It is too hard on you and your feelings and well being matter too.

I have nothing to say except I'm so sorry for you. Don't let anyone demean you or make you feel less about yourself. God Bless you for trying!

Absolutely, play along! Right away, I would tell her, I'm not (you), I'm Suzy, your friend /sister/whoever6, and see how far you get. If she is truly showboating, you'll soon find out just exactly how far gone she is into her dementia, and if she's nasty, then just leave! You have nothing to feel guilty about, she's a nasty Narcissist, and will always pick on You, if you allow her to. I'd stay away, your visits aren't doing either of you any good! I'm so sorry she's so mean to you, let it go, and don't let her get to you!

So sorry that this still is hurting you.
Take some consolation in the literal example that she doesn't know what she is saying, or who you are, and that you know the truth concerning you.
Sorry your mom's condition is deteriorating.
Have you gone to a caregiving support group, or a counselor for yourself?

Thankless {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}.! You are one brave lady!

Ouch! You poor thing. Keep on being her sister.

I haven't been able to visit my mom for 2 weeks, I went to a funeral one week and was sick the second week. Today I went by myself. She thought I was her sister. I figured I'd play along. She was so kind to me (a first) and patted me on the knee and asked me to visit more often!!!! That's a change! She told me how beautiful I was (another first! Previously all I heard was how fat I was and what poor choices I had in clothing.)
She told me how much she hated her "nasty, mean daughter (me) for stealing all her money and belongings and throwing her into this facility." We talked about it a bit and I asked her a few questions. She wasn't going to change her mind, so I figured I'll just continue roll playing being her sister from now on.

Believe it or not, I was actually waiting for this time to come, when she wouldn't recognize me, so maybe we could have a decent time together. It was a nice visit (for the first time in 6 months) but kinda' weird being her "sister" instead of her daughter.
Oh well, hopefully, no more rotten visits.

Thanklessjob, imo, you don't have to go at all. Why would you, when it also agitates your mother's illness. She has strong emotions concerning you, and the illness causes her to take it out on you. Please don't do this to yourself anymore.
Even when you pay the rent, you just don't need to pop in. You also don't need to answer to staff. Please protect your heart and mind. As you said, this is not what your final memory of her should be.
I have read that when visiting, make your visits short! Makes me wonder why others are passing judgment on you! Give yourself a break, a big break.
{{{HUGS}}}} and blessings to you and hubby from here on out.!!

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You can't control your mom but you can control how you choose to react. It can't be easy to place your mother where she doesn't want to be and you shouldn't have to use drugs to manage it. If tapping isn't for you, try something else. It will help you in the years to come.

I'm so sorry that your mom is so mean. I agree with the others... You do NOT have to stay when she gets ugly. You are showing up. Regularly. You are a saint. If your mom is still able to learn, you and your husband leaving the instant she becomes toxic may be all you need to do for her to start behaving differently. Putting your self thru that awefulness every Sunday is not necessary to be a good daughter. You might also talk with her doctor to see if an antidepressant might be in order.

Thanklessjob, good heavens, why put yourself through all that. Is it guilt that is making you visit because Mom is now in a memory care facility? That is understandable.

Yes, it's the dementia talking and the filter is gone, it is so unfair that it is all dumped on you. It seems like a parent will slam those who are closest to them, but be very polite to someone who wasn't born into the family, like your husband.

I agree with Eyerishlass above, go every other Sunday and see what happens. Your Mom might not ever realize you weren't there the Sunday before. And as soon as Mom starts to talk like she is a Presidential candidate toward you, time to say "good-bye" and leave the room. It will make you feel good that you actually do have "control" :)

Thanks to the 3 of you for the advise.
It happened again today. Mom was in a particularly foul mood when we got there. [We always visit after church on Sundays around 1 pm]. She had a sour look on her face and asked us why we were there. She said, "It's not Sunday today." (On one hand, she's sharp enough to know that we visit on Sundays, on the other hand, she didn't know the correct day of the week.) When hubby told her it was Sunday, she shook his hand and smiled but she just scowled at me. Immediately, she started telling me that it must be nice spending her money because I was wearing a dress that she'd never seen. I became depressed immediately and just quit talking. Hubby told her I had bought it 3 years ago. She continued in attack mode until he changed the subject. After that, she started complaining that I had "dumped " her in the facility so I could spend all her money. (She wants to go back to her apartment in San Francisco, where she was happy.) Finally, even hubby had it with her insults to me. He told her that she was being rude to me and she should be happy when we visit her. She said, "Well, I'm happy to see you but not her." (meaning me). I got up, gave her a limp hug and said goodbye.

Eyerishlass, On your advise, I will be limiting my visits from now on. Neither my mom nor I enjoy our visit, so why go? I have to pay the "rent" once a month, so I will have to go then. It really ruins my day and I can't shrug off the constant attacks.
She hates my guts and I just don't want to deal with it. Guilt be damned, this time I'm not changing my mind!

I agree with the others. No, you shouldn't stay. Put in the time you're obligated to and then get out. And I don't think it would hurt you to skip a Sunday here and there either just to give yourself a break.

Of course you don't have to stay, I doubt that she gets any benefit from it and you certainly don't! And how dare the caregiver try to guilt you, they have NO idea what your back story is and whether or not it is appropriate to stay or go. I was recently told of an aide who had to go home early because a resident kept accusing him of being the devil and wanting to kill her, and he should be a detached professional caregiver!

No, you don't stay. You say " I have to leave now." and you get your coat and go. Take your anxi-meds before you see her. Smile, attempt to change the subject and if she is stuck on derision, leave. NEVER visit her alone. My SIL would bring a girlfriend, because mom would behave better in front of strangers. Evenings were very bad. MIL's best time was right after lunch, never good for more than an hour.