My husband (85) and I (80) are in good health but we live an hour and a half from our son and an hour from both of my husband's 1/2 sisters. We live in a small town close to a larger town with some health care limitations. Too few doctors, one hospital, and somewhat limited health care services.Our house is paid for and we have no debt. Also have the money to move but it would result in increased taxes. Husband thinks we can get all our needs taken care of here and not involve the family. I feel that, even with in-home health care, family still needs to be involved to, for no other reason, monitor the care being given.Not ready for living in an independent or assisted living facility.What have other people done in a similar situation?
Downsize your belongings also , don’t leave a mess for your family to clean up .
We’ve had to rescue relatives in their 80’s who thought they still had time to move back near family. It was not fun for us . At your age things can change quickly .
My parents loved AL, had a beautiful apartment, 3 hot meals a day if they wanted them, and more activities then you can imagine. Social interaction is quite important as we age too. When dad died, the ladies rallied around mom and kept her from hiding out and isolating. Worth it's weight in gold.
Good luck to you.
I told my friend's daughter - SIX MONTHS in advance - that her dad needed an emergency alert button around his neck for when he went on his many daily / weekly walks in nature ... in case he fell or God knows what could have happened.
When does she actually start to do something? 7pm on the night she is off to another country at 10pm for two weeks. She couldn't get it done.
Thank you for your post. Gena / Touch Matters
My parents didn't think ahead. When they were both 80, we (their children) suggested they move out of the 2 story family home, downsize, and move closer to one of us in a different state.
It took ten years of suggesting this.
My mom always said "No" with a capital N.
We had jobs and kids and could not just pick up and move near them.
Then, at age 90, we discovered they were not "doing fine" like they had assured us they were.
Then my dad got covid, and he was in the hospital for a week.
When he was discharged, we no longer waited around for mom to change her mind. We felt it was important for our parents' safety to move them near family.
It took a lot of convincing. (A lot.) My mom was in the throes of dementia by this time, short term memory loss mainly, so she went along with the long distance move, for the most part.
So it was at that point that we did a lot of scrambling around--I sorted through my parents' entire house (not an easy task), contacted lawyers and signed all the important papers (not an easy task), arranged for an estate sale (not an easy task), prepared their house to put on the market (not an easy task), drive them 7 hours to their new home (not an easy task), get them settled with drs in their new town (not an easy task), prepare their new home to be more elderly friendly (not an easy task), hire in-home caregivers (not an easy task).....etc etc etc.
You can see where I'm going with this, and why I thanked you for thinking ahead.
If my parents had downsized, planned, prepared, thought of the future and moved near family when they were 80, they would have been able to go slowly with the process, and make more, if not most, of the decisions.
But at 90, with health complications already in place, we had to make (very difficult) decisions for them.
We all learned from the experience.
I would advocate for doing a lot of what you describe at 70 in and the legal paperwork all adults over say 40 should have in place IMO.
You may not be "ready for living in an independent or assisted living facility" but at your ages this all could change in a few hours, Act now and do this in an orderly fashion so you are not reacting to an emergency and find yourself in a less than desirable situation, when it all could be avoided proactively.
You do what you need to do for your care moving forward.
My question would be to your husband. How are you both going to manage as you age ... become 90 and 85 ... 95 and 90 ... and more / other health / mobility issues?
In my view, you (being YOU) need to think of the future 'more' and take care of yourself / yourselves as you age and the unexpected come up.
In addition to your medical / care needs, what about being closer to the family ... TO BE CLOSER TO THE FAMILY?
For the enjoyment of it?
Doesn't this matter to your husband?
With national healthcare changing due to political decisions, you need to be in an area where you have the most options for your health / well-being ... and enjoy the time you have with your family. Too 'few doctors' is a major red flag to me ... why would anyone want to stay in an area with too few doctors? I think the answer is that your husband is in a comfortable RUT and as 99.9% of older people, doesn't want to change.
However, you have the wherewithal to know what is best for you (both) - stay strong in your position and take the steps to move. He is older than you. While there is no knowing, it may be you who has the brunt of the responsibility for both of you if you stay where you are WITHOUT family support.
And what do you do if the one hospital with already too few MDs can't manage your care needs? Are you going to be air transported to another hospital - at a huge expense and upset to both of you plus the family? Think ahead ... as you are. "Try' to get your husband to think ahead - and put you first, if he doesn't want to put himself and you both first.
Perhaps have a social worker or someone that works with geriatrics talk to both of you - to find out why your husband is taking this position. I think he's just tired and doesn't want to change. He isn't thinking of you from what I gather.
Gena / Touch Matters
We are alright until we aren't. It only takes a broken bone, a stroke, even a UTI to change our lives over night. I would first start downsizing. Get rid of everything you don't need anymore. (We have old VCR tapes my husband will not get rid of) After that, go around again and think "do we really need that". Do as much as you can to make your children's lives easier. Have beneficiaries for everything you can. Your bank accts can have "paid on death" (POD). This way no probate. Get your DPOA and Medical Proxy in order. If they were made years ago, update them.
but i was able to move. i’m retired. life can be virtual, if you’re lucky.
because he literally built most of this house, dad is unwilling to move, which is gonna be seriously unhelpful at some point, but is ok now. but at least i'm here for the day in / day out stuff.
right now, this town has a lot of retirees, so their medical services for elderly are pretty good. but nearly any city would have better services & certainly more choices.
moving is hell. but it’s easier if there’s not another crisis on top of it. it’s easier if the moving doesn’t have to be done long-distance. it’s easier to move when you’re retired than when you’re managing a job and another household.
managing someone else’s healthcare is difficult. you are the most probable caretaker. take care to consider the burdens you might carry in a place that already has few resources, while not near those most likely to help.
moving towards help makes logistical sense.
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