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I got the call late last night, (but haven't yet told my kids) that my mother passed away. They saw her last Friday when she was hospitalized, (& knew the Dr expected her to die). But I can't get myself to make that phone call to tell them she has died. I know I have to, but I'd like to wait a few more days. (Not sure what sense that makes though). 😰

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So sorry for your loss. Tell them now. Don't wait.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
Yes, I did tell the kids' father (the next day), & he took care of telling them for me. Then 1 day later, I went over to see them all. It wasn't too bad.
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Tiger, i, sorry for your loss. I know you’re probably dreading cleaning out her room, and since she was in AL she probably had lots more stuff than my Mom did in her NH. But maybe my thought process may help you...I did a kind of Marie Kondo thing when I was packing up her stuff, 2 days after she passed away. I only brought home things that had meaning to me or her and brought me joy. The rest was packed up and donated immediately. My DH and step daughter dropped it off at the rescue mission that day. I only have 3 boxes at home with the best stuff to deal with. Eventually. I go back to the NH every week or so to visit her roommate and surprisingly it’s a great visit. And I get to hug and talk to all her aids and nurses we loved. My grief and sadness come at much weirder times/places than that. Do what feels right for you, and what you can handle.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
Thanks rocketjcat, I surely will do that, those are great tips! I'm planning to go Wed or Thurs, but would like to avoid people, (so will likely go @mealtimes). Probably will have to get helpers, but can't think of who right now. I'd gladly pay for help, but still not sure who I'd ask. But very thankful for your input ;)
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Just a thought...join a choir? Music fills empty spaces.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
I'd love that, but I couldn't keep up with the different parts each person sings... I tried my church choir years ago, & was completely lost & out of sync! Lol. (Didn't know it was that complicated). It was for a Christmas show.
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Tiger and NewGirl, I am sorry to hear of your losses!  Condolences.  Right now I cannot even remember how I told relatives when my aunt passed in March!  I remember stopping at a friend's house right after leaving the NH, then going home to Dh and then to bed.  Do you have a good friend you can be with who is ok to cry with?  Peace, prayers, and love through this whole process.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
That would be great, but I had just 3 friends who sadly, hav passed away, (2016 & 2017). I have decent neighbors, but not any friends now. (Thank God 4 Jesus).
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I have no opinion on the question, I believe you will do what you think is best. I just wanted to say that I am sorry for your losses,Tiger
and Newgirl, i am so very sorry for your losses. My heart and prayers goes out for you.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
Thank you friend.
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Please let us know how you’re doing. We care. ❤️
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
(Thanks 4 asking)...It's odd that I feel ok. (Likely due to all the kind people here). But also, I think the 'arrangements' have been a helpful process, (I feel useful & distracted). My fear is what happens in a few weeks: when I'm done cleaning out mom's ALF room... (& emptiness comes in).
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I am so sorry to hear this. My mom died June 6th, It’s so hard to make those calls. The family though have been such a great support .

Take it one day at a time. ❤️
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
NewGirl, thanks...& condolences on losing your mom. It's true, I'm grateful 2be not working right now, (have less pressure on me than many folks in this situation). I can easily do one task; one day; at a time. (God is Good, ...no matter what it looks like). & I feel much better cuz of help from everyone here. 💝
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Woke up from nap, ate some grapes & pepperoni .... Thinking about what I said in my reply to JoAnn.... "Feel badly that the approx 80 residents (@ALF)saw my mom keel over in lunch room. (Can you imagine how they must feel, since they see that type thing happening regularly). So sad". I want to do something nice for them, (but not sure how or what). I have 2 nice photos of my mom from the 1930's & 40's. Could enlarge or copy them, put them into a nice thank-you card for the ALF staff & residents. (Especially cuz no death notice for my mom will be in the local paper).
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You have my deepest sympathy, Tiger. May your mother's memory be a blessing to you.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
Thank you 'NYDaughterInLaw', that's a good point you make, about 'memories that are a blessing'. My task then, is to be content with the memories I have, (& let that acceptance bless me). That's the best I can do for now, & it's 👌 okay.
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Tiger, my love; are you like me? Do you have awful social anxiety issues? Have you talked to a med. professional, or even just your regular doc about this? There are treatments, both long and short term for what is an issue for you.

((((Hugs))))) and very sorry for your loss. B
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
Yes friend Barb, I'm sure the social problems I have are diagnosable. But I hope 2 find another small job, now that mom has passed. (I prefer distractions from myself). A job helping seniors or maybe p.t. nanny. Kids make me laugh. Thanks for your sharing & ❤.
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Went to Funeral parlor, spent too much money. Afterwards, let my family know. (Not sure about all details yet but it's a start). Hating the thought of cleaning out my mother's room at ALF, cuz everyone there knows me, (can't sneak in & avoid speaking to people). That's likely to be an awful cryfest & hope to God I can get it all done in one trip. (Ridiculous dream). I have a few days until I go there, cuz I'm not quite done at the Funeral home & want to hide for a while. I do wish I could get out of that ALF task, but don't see how. (It seems like I'm trying to avoid EVERY step of this process...)😰. Thanks for listening.
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gladimhere Jun 2019
Could you ask your kiddos to take care of mom's room?
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Tiger55, my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
Thank you, it means a lot to me.
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So sorry for ur loss.

My question is...are u not having a Funeral? And if so won't ur children want to be there.

They need to know. I know its upsetting. Maybe call one and ask that they call the others.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
Simple memorial service for family, still ironing out details. Of course, the dear folks at ALF will need some closure also, & I'm working that. Feel badly that the approx 80 residents saw my mom keel over in lunch room. (Can you imagine how they must feel, since they see that type thing happening regularly). So sad.
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I’m so sorry for your loss Tiger. This isn’t the type of news anyone wants to give. My FIL died about a week & a half ago and my husband didn’t tell the kids for 3-4 days!! When my MIL passed, I dreaded calling my mom to tell her (they were friends, both had lung issues). I can’t imagine how hard it is to deliver this kind of news to your children. Again I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with the advice to tell one child and ask them to pass it on to their siblings.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
Yes 'worriedinCali', 🌷I do understand not telling anyone for 3 or 4 days! (That sounds oddly perfect to me), & I would have done so, except for everyone here sending me advice & courage. Thanks2all.
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Can't believe it. I've never had any trouble with my knees, ever, (but my mother had terrible knee pain last 20 years). Now today I wake up & my right knee hurts like a bast#rd. God, I hope it's just a coincidence.
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AlvaDeer Jun 2019
I know it isn't funny but you made me laugh. There is no relationship on earth I think so fraught with angst as that of mother-daughter. Being both I should know. Mom's have a hard time understanding their daughters are full grown, even when they go grey. And daughters have a hard time giving up expectations that mothers be Saints, instead of humans. Some never come to perfect peace, but the knee makes me think Mom there to give you a reminder "I am not done with you YET". Don't worry that your relationship was not what the grandchildren's relationship was; it is another thing. Just call them and tell them that you are so THANKFUL that she had them, and that it is a comfort to you.
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Don't mention it, you're so welcome Tiger 55
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So very sorry. I hope you yourself have support right now as you sound shocky with grief. I don't know how many children you have and as they are not with you I know they must be grown? Do know that your shock and grief is going to be very different from theirs as the loss of a grandmother when you are grown up is somewhat "expected" if very sad, whereas the loss of a loved parent is always very very hard. Please get someone to be with you now for a day or so. Make your call to one child, and tell him or her that you must count on them to notify the others as you just aren't up to it now. I am so very sorry for your grief.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
@AlvaDeer, thank you for ur kindness.😔 I'm worried cuz the kids know how my mother & I didn't get along. It's good that they still loved her though.
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Delegate this task. Contact one of your children, my recommendation is your oldest child as they are somewhat used to feeling responsible for their younger siblings. Or if you don’t think your oldest can handle the news well, contact the child you feel is most emotionally stable. They can also contact any extended family too. Prayers for peace and comfort.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
Good ideas, I will do. Thanks. I get more courage from your input. 👍
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HI, Tiger. How are you doing this morning?

Just call your child who understands you best. Have a cry with him or her and ask that child to call the others.

Is someone with you? It sounds as though you are in a bit of shock right now. (((((Hugs))))))
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
@barb. Thanks, I was especially worried about how my boy would handle it. His mental state can be unpredictable. Gotta do it though.
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You need to tell your children. They must be adults? Tell one ask them to call the others. They cannot offer the help or support you need to get through this if they do not know. Or have a friend of yours call them? Hospital, hospice, facility chaplin? Your minister if you are a church member? There is help for you.

I am sorry for your loss.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
Thanks, I guess I'm trying to avoid the emotions cuz my whole week at the hospital was wrecked by the 'ugly crying'...
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I am terribly sorry for your loss.

Please tell all your kids immediately. It is important for them to know. This happened once in my family ... it is better for them to know ASAP. They may feel unimportant, angry and confused (not supportive) if they find out from another source. I understand that you do not have the energy to deal with their anger/confusion in addition to grieving.

If you are unable emotionally to make the call, task one of your children or a friend (like cwillie wrote). Just don’t let any more time pass.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
True, &...it probably won't be as bad as I imagine... (Hoping). Thanks for the encouragement🌈.
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I'm sorry for your loss. I would think that time would make it harder, no easier - is there someone else you can delegate the task to? Or perhaps just call one and ask them to call the rest?
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
Yeah, it probably would make it worse if I delay... Somebody would get offended no doubt. Will go over there today, after funeral home. Thanks.
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Well, saying something out loud makes it real. You cannot bear to make this real yet because a part of you is still in denial. That's OK you are the most bereft person here. Take your time, try to process this. If you can write about your feelings and take steps with regard to plans for burial services, obituaries, lists of people who will need to be contacted when the time comes. Rituals are our default setting.
We can do these things even when we are still in shock. They give us a roadmap. Perhaps talk to a clergyman or trusted friend about your grief. Read a book called 'In the Presence of Grief' by Dorothy Becvar, a clinician who had lost her own son.
Grief is draining though: it can only be done in small doses at a time. You must then rest and revisit it when the wave comes, and it does come in waves.
During your rest periods, occupy yourself with the logistics of the ritual of the funeral. Notices, obituaries, flowers, music, eulogy, these things are actually a respite from the rumination and waves of sadness. When the time is right you will call your children. For now you are in survival mode, so take care of yourself. You need to eat and you need to sleep, and yes even a walk daily if you can.
If you're a believer, prayer can be a tremendous comfort. If not, that's OK too.
You will always have your memories of her, they are like those of no one else.
No one can take them from you. Perhaps write about them if you can. Using all of your senses will help you to better incorporate the loss and begin to process it. Take good care of yourself, accept help from others. God bless you and know that I am very, very sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and healing thoughts.
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
True, I do love my rituals (OCD, lol). Still prefer denial though. I think I'll tell their dad first, & let him tell our kids for me. He's a decent guy. Thanks.
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I am sorry for your loss.

Take care of you right now.

You know your kids, so only you can know how this will be received.
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