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A friend of mine cared for her 'special needs' son for 30 years. He never matured mentally beyond age 2 or 3. He was blind and confined to a wheelchair. Yet, she said he was 99.9% HAPPY all the time!

He would hear the birds sing and say 'mommy, the birds sound happy today. I AM HAPPY TOO!' She cried often for all the things he missed in life, but he enjoyed the life he had. I can remember him playing his little record player - he had favorite records and would sing along. He was a loving, appreciative baby/child for 30 years. He had an easy smile. He was a joy to her - even though she cared for him without much help. No services. Even her hubby left his care to her.

My mother in law is negative, demanding and selfish. The sun can shine and she will find something wrong with it. She has her 'better days' - but they are few and far between. We think she may have had more than the one stroke she told us about. Her personality seems to have changed in the last two years. Whether it is age related dementia or caused by small strokes, we don't know. But, the effects are there just the same. Once in a while she thanks me and I think 'maybe I CAN GO ON' - but her good days don't last. It is more like a good 'few minutes' once in a while.
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I'm glad this topic exists. I don't have kids yet either, but if it's as stressful and crappy as taking care of a parent, I don't want them anymore.
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My husband had a granddaughter with a terrible illness. I've thought about how similar taking care of my mother is to taking care of the granddaughter. We are constantly in maintenance mode for something that has no cure. Some days are better than others, but even the good days are haunted by anxieties and pain. We want to somehow fix things and make it better, if only for a while, but we are not able to accomplish it for long. Having a terminally sick child is a bit worse, because there is the sadness that goes with it. But the difficulty is very similar.
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I also have no children but I do think it is different. My mother was also strong and willful woman and once in a while I still see that woman but it is very heartbreaking. I'm sure it is very hard for her she used to care for elderly patients and I have heard nurses do make bad patients and I'm finding t his to be very true. My mom is a fighter she broke her hip last year and completely recovered from that came home from nursing home. I have been caring for my mom now for almost 20 years and also cared for my dad financially and medically. My siblings liked to pretend they didn't need help but I couldn't bear to leave my parents alone suffering and my father must have known his kids well because they asked me (baby of the familY) to care for both of them they knew the others wouldn't be around at all to help. In the end I know I will have done everything I can to help her. I have just started this site Im sure it will help me a lot. My mom goes to an adult daycare center but the caregiver support is always when I'm working I may have to take a day off to do that because somedays its so upsetting i just want to sit in the corner and cry like a baby.
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This comment thread should be shown to legislators, doctors, media, and the positive "agents of change." I hear daily about making things better "for the children" and this is a good thing to do. However, the numbers of elders who need help is at an all-time high and the percentage is increasing.

One comment that was right on the point was (paraphrased) "that most persons parenting children have more energy and strength to handle their care." Time passes for us too, and we lose the ability to caregive in the same capacity for elders. More and more of us are not getting a respite after "launching" our children before we are taking over care for an elder in our family. If society & lawmakers think that So. Security and Elder Services are doing "enough" then they need to re-evaluate. There are more needing help than there are "helps in place." This issue should become the new "poster child" for agencies like the Peace Corps, Youth in Action, and other agencies that do training/job placement for young persons just out of high school. Train more persons in nursing and geriatric needs. Make it a strong and compelling choice, just like going into the military is for young people. Focus on the issues within our nation or you will lose the quality of a generation of workers who need to focus on being productive and earning, paying taxes, ect.
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I agree with Maggiesue I am 66 yrs old and taking care of my 92 yr old mom. there is a great big difference than with children. my son is now 46 and i thought i was finish and on my way to retirement life surprise!!!!
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The most stressful day of my life was the day 2 policemen came to find me at work, and asked me if I knew a man named "dad". After they pulled him over for erratic driving, refusal to cooperate, attemped escape, threats,.....they took the keys away, parked the car in a ditch, took him home. came to find me, inform me, and give me the keys. I was thankful that nobody got hurt. This was 5 years after he drove into the lobby of a bank, coming close to running over a pregnant woman.

After this experience, I had a face to face with both of my grown sons, thanking them for never bringing the police to my door.

Compared to my father, raising 2 sons to adulthood was a piece of cake. I would raise them over again if I could. My dad....I am not so sure, over the last 30 years he has gotten way more in free work and attention than the 17 years he gave me under his roof.
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I think caring for my elderly parent is much harder than my child ever was. Sometimes I think my mom is stuck in the "terrible two" stage. She has toileting accidents and denies it, super picky about food, undresses frequently, frequent meltdowns, dosent want to take medicine, colors on the wall (just kidding)..and the list goes on. Post partum depression was nothing compared to the mental pain I get when dealing with my mother.
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Don't have kids, but I would say that the only comparison would be with raising teenagers. I think that my mother somehow stopped maturing at age sixteen ( when she got married)
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I know this thread is quite old, but I am just coming to this stage myself. I'm 62 years old, in reasonably good health aside from some mobility issues due to a broken leg three years ago. My husband and I built my parents a "tiny house" on our property two years ago in order to move them here and help dad care for my mother, who died of Alzheimer's last July. Dad and mom were married over 60 years and did everything together, and without mom, dad is like a lost dog. The two of them ran around constantly, and I have neither the money, energy, nor time to do that with dad. I know he's bored...we try to make sure he isn't lonely...but I have never been so exhausted in my life, caring for him. He's pretty independent as far as taking care of himself, but he can no longer drive, so I drive him everywhere. I arrange all his doctor's appointments and his home health care visits, monitor his medication, take him to the grocery store and to bingo once a week (I find bingo boring, but he loves it). He was in and out of the hospital frequently with congestive heart failure, and every time he went to the emergency room, it was me that took him. I spent my 61st birthday in ICU with him. My husband and I try to plan things that include him, but if he voices the smallest reluctance, we cancel our plans, because he gets this "sad puppy" look if we go anywhere without him. He even rides along with me to MY doctor's appointments! He makes suggestions about where we eat out, where we shop for groceries...everything. If I disagree, his silence speaks volumes. I feel like a terrible person for complaining, but it would be so nice to make plans that actually carry through; to be able to go to my doctor's appointments without having to worry about dad being bored and fidgety in the waiting room ("I thought you were going to be in there forever"), to skip bingo once in awhile, and to undertake one project without dad observing for a minute and saying "what you ought to do is...". Raising my daughter was a walk in the park compared with caring for my parents. My theory is that I'm older and more tired, and I have certain ways of doing things that I don't appreciate being criticized for and a million other reasons. I hope I don't sound too awful...I'm sure there are others out there who feel the same way.
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