My parents hired a caregiver over a year ago - basically for my dad - and in the past year, she has gradually transitioned to a full-time/24 hr caregiver. (My dad is bedridden and has a PEG tube.) She is in the home caring for my dad while my 86 year old mom handles basically everything else, including all meals for her and caregiver, all household tasks, etc. It's been a good relationship, until somewhat recently.Over the past few months, my mom - who is definitely a control nut and tends to micromanage at times - has been feeling like the caregiver is slowly creeping over boundaries and calling the shots. There have been a few dustups between them recently, and they both come to me with their complaints - caregiver says my mom is too controlling, my mom says caregiver is starting to make her feel like it's not her own house. My mom is also seeing caregiver on her phone whenever she's not tending to my dad, though caregiver has complained that she wants a 2-hr break, she's tired and "doing all the hard work". My mom sat down to use her laptop in the room where my dad is; caregiver was on her phone and then looked over at my mom and said, "Yes, what is it?" (As if my mom had entered HER space.) There is a young man who handles the weekend care, paid by the main caregiver (my mom pays her for both their house). Today my mom was informed that for the next 4 days, the main caregiver would handle my dad during the day, the young man would do nighttime caregiving, but young man would stay in the guest room during the day...and have meals too. "Just for four days - is that ok?" My mom was not consulted about this, told after the fact, and is feeling taken advantage of. Then felt gaslit when she confronted caregiver, who then left the house in anger. I called caregiver and told her that she needed to go back and talk to my mom - two strong women who both feel like they don't have control of their own situation - and that my mom simply had to be part of discussions any future arrangements or plans.I understand that my mother can be a difficult person, a controlling micromanager, and can beat a dead horse when there's an issue she doesn't feel is resolved; I also understand that my mother has felt increased misgivings about how this woman acts towards her. Caregiver has recently blown up a few times, then apologized and said, "Ok, I'm sorry, it's over, forget it" without making room for discussion. She has also alluded to wanting more money (when she's irritated, and then never brings it up again) and "a 2 hour break", even though she does little to nothing to help around the house. My dad's care is not really in question - it's the relationship between my mom and the caregiver. It seems like lately there's either tension, or they're sharing a beer and having a lovely conversation at the end of the day. Does this sound like the caregiver is working the situation to her advantage, and slowly trying to gain control? Or does it sound like two strong willed people butting heads and not resolving things in a good way? I told caregiver that they need to sit down and have an honest discussion about how they can both feel respected and supported, and that any and all plans/arrangements need to include my mom. This is our first experience with caregiving and we have no idea what's normal and what isn't.
The mother doesn't have to take care of these people. When you hire homecare you're not expected to cook and clean for your caregivers. Light housekeeping is usually part of the job. If they're supplying board (food) for their aides that does not mean they have to prepare and serve it. It's the aide's responsibility to fix themselves something. They also do their own laundry and keep their room clean and tidy. The mother should not be doing any of this.
From what you've shared, this doesn't automatically sound like the caregiver is trying to take over. It sounds like two strong, exhausted women whose boundaries have gradually become blurred. However, your mother's feelings are valid. It's her home, and she should never be informed after the fact that someone else will be staying there or that arrangements have been made without her input. Those conversations should always include her.
At the same time, providing around-the-clock care is physically and emotionally draining. Wanting regular breaks isn't unreasonable, and caregiver burnout is very real. That doesn't excuse poor communication or speaking to your mother in a way that makes her feel unwelcome, but it may explain why tensions have been building.
I actually think you handled this well. Telling the caregiver that she needed to sit down with your mother and have an honest conversation was the right move. They both deserve to feel respected, and your father deserves a peaceful environment with consistent care.
If I were in your shoes, I'd encourage them to have a calm meeting and clearly discuss expectations—who makes household decisions, how breaks will work, whether overnight help is needed, compensation, and, most importantly, that your mother must be included in any decisions involving her home.
Based on what you've written, I don't see enough to conclude that the caregiver is intentionally taking advantage of the situation. I do see some boundary issues and communication problems that need to be addressed before resentment grows any deeper. Sometimes these situations aren't about bad intentions—they're about exhaustion, unclear expectations, and people feeling unheard.
I hope they're able to work through it, because it sounds like your father is receiving good care, and preserving that while restoring mutual respect would be the best outcome for everyone.
Your mom is the employer, and she (the caregiver) is the employee. It is well within your mom's rights to tell her employee that certain behaviors are not acceptable. Period, the end. Then the employee has the option to either agree, and abide with those boundaries, or seek employment elsewhere. If she hasn't already, I do think it's important for mom to clearly communicate what she will accept and what she will not. And I don't think that telling this caregiver that there will NOT be anyone staying in the house who is not actively "working" without FIRST clearing it with her (and/or you) is unreasonable or "unfair". That scenario sounds an awful lot like a kid telling their parent(s) "I said so-and-so could eat/sleep/stay over, that's ok, isn't it?"... I know if I pulled that with my parents they would unequivocally tell me "no, it's not OK" - because I did not check with them BEFORE I issued the invitation.
And some people live by the adage "it's easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission." But YOUR mom doesn't have to agree or go along with that adage.
If mom is not happy with the level of care this person is providing, she has every right to terminate the employment.
Since dad is now on hospice, have you or mom spoken with the hospice team about people they might know of to provide care? My mom's hospice had a group of people who, while not employed directly by hospice, were recommended by them for assistance in caregiving.
It's incredibly inappropriate for you to continually refer to my mother as a troublemaker, that she's causing problems "for sport" or "because she's bored, lonely, whatever". That's outrageous and incredibly disrespectful, especially in a forum where folks come for advice and feedback. How insulting that you wrote an entire paragraph insinuating that my mother asked the aide to come up with a plan and implement it, and then just started complaining in order to get attention. That's exactly what DIDN'T happen.
Though my post was long and full of details, you obviously missed a few. I stated that the young man was already responsible for weekend care; he's been working at my parents' house for over a month. I also stated that the main caregiver and the young man had come up with this plan for him to just stay in my parents' house during the day until he took over at night (and I found out it was because he doesn't have a car and didn't want to spend $ on Ubers, so they just decided he'd hang out at the house instead), but eat daytime meals, without consulting my mother at all - and were already implementing it when they told her about it and said, "Is that OK?" He typically works on weekends, and the two of them decided he'd work the next 4 nights as well. But your take was "I think the mother maybe isn't getting the attention she wants from the aide so decided to get her into trouble."
My 86 year old mother is trying to make sure my dad is cared for, as well as keep the caregivers happy and fed. There have been many changes and a monthlong bout in the hospital in the past few months, and everyone is trying to keep up. My dad also started hospice care, so there are multiple people coming in and out of their home weekly. When the main caregiver starts making her own plans for my father's care without telling my mother until after the fact, that's most definitely NOT my mother being a "troublemaker". And when the caregiver periodically blows up at my mother - this is their second dust-up in a few weeks - that's not my mother trying to get attention. The caregiver gets whatever it is off her chest and says, "Ok, it's fine now" - yet nothing is addressed, even when my mother attempts to explore the complaints. Yesterday, I had to call the caregiver (she just walked out of the house and drove off) and speak with her - that she and my mother needed to sit down and have an honest conversation about their issues, to find a way for them to be under the same roof so that both feel respected and supported. They both have things to say, but there is no communication, so things continue to fester. But you are totally out of line to repeatedly refer to my mother as a troublemaker. It IS my parents' house, and my mother has every right to be involved in the decision-making.
Basic common sense and courtesy says you ASK if arranging for another person to spend the night and eat at someone's home.
We don't know if the aide did discuss another aide coming in with the mother. From what the OP describes the mother as with the micromanaging, she may very well have agreed to it and told the aide to make it happen. Then when the new person is in, start complaining about it to others. Then play the victim with the no one consulted you, it's your house, etc... This is the getting attention from others through trouble-making.
No aide is going to bring their own people in a private-duty job without getting the green light from the person who pays them. An agency-hired aide can't bring anyone in ever. If more help is needed, the agency sends caregivers.
This aide woud have gotten the mother's approval on the additional aide that was brought in by her. The pay arrangement really isn't important, but that too would have been worked out ahead of time with the mother as well.
I get clients like this all the time. They or their loved one wants a different aide every other day because they will find some kind of fault even if they have to invent it themselves. Or they're bored and want to trouble-make as entertainment.
I think the mother in this case is a trouble-maker.
If Mom is micromanaging Dads care, that has to stop. Thats why there is an aide there. Yes, the aide should have told Mom or you why she needed to bring in another aide. The aide telling her he would be staying the night was not the aides call. That should have been discussed with Mom or you. What this aide needs to realize is that the house is your Moms. Mom is her employer. She does not tell your Mom what to do in her home.
She probably isn't telling the mother what to do in her home. The mother is likely just trouble-making for sport because she's bored, lonely, or whatever.
I know this line of work and some of the things you mentioned raised the red flags with me. Like your mother mentioning the caregiver being on her cellphone when she's not tending to your father's needs. What's wrong with that? She's a live-in caregiver. In her free moments during the day is she supposed to stand at attention outside your father's door staring straight ahead like a guard at Buckingham Palace?
You mention your mother micromanaging everything. What would your response be if someone was micromanaging every little thing you do at your job? I'm guessing you'd take up a complain with HR. You say the caregiver does little or nothing around the house. Was she hired to also be a housekeeper along with being the caregiver on duty 24 hours a day to your father? If such is the case, she's right to ask for a raise.
I want to mention again how long I did this line of work and that I deal with every kind of personality calling all day long to report on their aides. The usual complaints about aides are 'they're lazy' because some haven't mastered the art of "looking busy" when their work is done. If the work is done and done well, they shouldn't try to look busy and no one should expect them to. Another is rudeness because the aide isn't paying enough attention to them in addition to caring for the client. An aide isn't happy enough or is too happy. Yes, these are real common complaints. One of my best girls was on a job. The old biddy wife requested another aide. She wanted one who wasn't overweight. She was dropped from our service that day.
The aide was wrong not to speak to your mother prior to hiring in additional help. She should have done that. Then again, it should not have been left up to the aide to hire this help. Yet, it was. She would not have hired someone else if it wasn't necessary to. Also, the two hours a day off is certainly not unreasonable in any way. Many times over the years I have told client families that I do not work holidays or that I was going on vacation and they needed to make other arrangments for care. They don't though. So, I'd offer to bring in one of mine (CNA's always know other CNA's looking to pick up some work). The ones who said no or refused to discuss it usually ended up fending for themselves because I proceeded with my plans anyway.
Here's how YOU handle this. Go to your parents' house and have a sit-down with your mother and the aide as a neutral third-party. Listen to them both. Keep this in mind though. If your father is receiving good care from this woman and the crew she uses as additional help, don't let your mother jeopardize that with micromanaging, complaining, and trouble-making because she will. In turn if the aide needs something or changes need to be made, she should speak to you directly and you tell your mother. There should be a go-between person in this situation. You sound reasonable ans it should be you.
"There is a young man who handles the weekend care, paid by the main caregiver (my mom pays her for both their house)". (?hours?)
The young man, if a qualified caregiver, should be hired and paid by your Mom.
It sounds like "main caregiver" has found a way to dump a "failure to thrive" relative into the mix, and is arranging for his free housing.
This arrangement is a huge liability.
Floribunda,
The way this is worded: "a young man" indicates you are attempting to distance yourself from this part of the issue. Who is he? Is he a relative? A qualified and experienced caregiver? (You don't need to tell me.)
However, the caregiver is taking over, placing herself in the position as the employer.
No professional caregiver is going to blow up at MOM. She is fired imo.
Depending on the state law, this arrangement may be illegal. Are your parents paying the required minimum wage, the required overtime, the required taxes? And providing the required time off? The caregiver probably is legally entitled to a break, though maybe not two hours. If she continues to get in snits with your mother, the caregiver may use any violations against her.
i suggest telling her that you’ve decided to use an agency going forward. Give her two weeks notice.
My private duty caregivers were set up to work at multiple agencies so I figured I could do the same.
At the end I had accounts with 3 agencies. I used them rarely, but it gave me backup.
Also, you may want to read up on the IRS code for live in homeworkers.
If you look around on the IRS site you can find the appropriate rules.
1. Main caregiver is working 24 hours M-Fr? A 2 hour break is not out of line.
2. I know the cell phone thing is irritating but you will get that with anyone you hire nowadays. I know this is particularly irritating in your Mom's age bracket. Since Dad's care is good, tell Mom ignore the cell phone issues.
If someone is working 5 days a week 24 hours a day they will need to talk to family here and there. I just ignored the cell phone stuff.
3. Re: the young man and the 4 nights. Your Mom is right. Mom should have been asked and approved this. I'm wondering if caregiver is trying out the young man for the 4 nights and maybe move him permanently to the nights and weekends so she only does the 5 days a week?
4. Understand you get a lot of flakey people in the caregiving industry.
My experience is these situations don't get better with time. I don't have many regrets in life but one I really have is not firing a woman like your caregiver sooner. C. blocked the entrance of the laundry room where I was doing laundry 3 days after my Dad died. C. started yelling at me that she did not work weekends or nights. She blocked me from leaving the laundry room. My Dad had literally just died.
Second incident was about pay. My Dad would give the caregivers a Christmas bonus generally the week of Dec 24th. One year she called me demanding Christmas bonus 2 weeks before Black Friday in November. She said my Dad always did this and wanted the caregivers to have their bonus before Black Friday. She was literally yelling and threatening me over the phone over this. I knew for a fact my Dad did not give a flip about Black Friday and that he passed out the bonus checks towards the end of December. Finally I said very succinctly "Christmas bonus is a gift from the family." I kept repeating, "This is a gift from the family." "This is given at the discretion of the family." "Christmas bonus is a gift from the family, it is not a part of scheduled pay."
I was out of state at the time and flew to Mom's house to fire C. I wimped out when I got there. Mom's care was good. The house was clean. It was the holidays. I backed down and paid the Christmas bonus earlier than normal.
A third time my long-term accountant called me and told me I needed to fire C due to a number of issues. I called Mom's lawyer and talked to him about the situation. He told me not to be too picky so I didn't fire C.
Final incident was a racial situation. C. would not drive down the driveway to the house as she said a caregiver of another race was threatening her at the house. I knew the other caregiver was a good person and good with Mom and I had a history in which C had threatened me 3 times and threatened the accountant once. C also ran off our lawn guy. I ended up terminating C and kept the caregiver of another race. I had to get some short term temporary help from an agency. Terminating C was the best move I ever did. My stress level went way down.
Short term while you are deciding what to do.....
1.Give caregiver the 2 hour break a day or even 3 (if working 5 days 24 hours per day)
2.Talk with Mom, tell her ignore the cell phone stuff. Anyone you hire will be calling or texting. Tell Mom this is the era we live in.
3. We worked 12 hour shifts. I think 5 days a week, 24 hours a day is not sustainable long term. Consider bringing in a different person to do the overnights M-F. Or have some work M-T-W 24 hours and another Thur-Fr 24 hours. I generally found it easy to find people to work overnights. If you have more people trained on Dad it gives you a lot more options.
4. Your Mom sounds pulled together. This is your Mom's personal home and your Mom's long term husband. The caregiver is out of bounds.
5. It is Mom's decision if a guy can stay in the guest room. It is Mom's decision if Mom is supplying food to this guy for 4 days. Again, the caregiver is out of bounds.
Best of luck to you and your Mom.
What I'm getting from this is; it sounds like two strong willed people butting heads and not resolving things effectively.
You say the caregiver has transitioned to a 24 hour caregiver - is that right? Does she live there with your parents?
If the caregiver has shifts - and she should have clearly designated shifts - do you think you could convince your mother to allow the caregiver to "be in charge" during her work shift? And likewise convince the caregiver, who has a difficult job, to respect mom's boundaries and decision making regarding her (mom's) household?
Perhaps they would benefit from a mediator - just to sit down together and iron out the sticking points and come to a mutually agreeable solution / plan.
Mom needs more help. They both sound burned out but the caregiver is out of bounds.
The caregiver is perhaps trying to find a way to manage the work without quitting but she seems to forget who is in charge. It is not, or should not be, her.
You might ask her to take a break or resign if she can’t deal with the job-which includes being supportive of your mom.
She is 86 yrs old. Although mom sounds healthy, this type emotional stress can be debilitating.
I hope you are able to find her a better fit for help