Is being miserable worth it when your taking care of a parent?

I am new to this website. I am greatfull I found it beyond belief! When I read what you going through with your father my heart goes out to you.
I would place him in a care facility as hard as it may be. He has made choices and is making choices that are next to impossible to bare for you. Please take care of you, unborn child, your family. I know I sound cruel but he put himself in that position. Plus he is still ungrateful. Some people just have to live with their decisions they caused. You do not have to. May God bless you , your family and I pray your Father see what you are doing for him and he changes.

Did you say he has 100 children???They all abandon him.what does that tell you?
I don't think he will ever become nice and listen to you.
Place him in a nursing him and if he wants to eat hamburgers and greasy food let him.
At least he will be happy doing what he wants in his last few years.
Why prolong the inevitable with misery.
Life should be enjoyed not prolonged to live in misery..

Try looking at it this way... (wavy lines across screen)

My friend is pregnant with her second child. She has a nice husband and a lovely young daughter, having built a good life for herself in the face of early challenges.

For some reason, a man who has never taken any responsibility for himself or for the many, many children he fathered over the years has moved into my friend's house. He continues to refuse to make any changes in his lifestyle that might improve his health, and even resents my friend's attempts to help him with this. He shows no appreciation of the hard work it requires to keep him housed, fed and out of hospital and even complains bitterly about the restrictions he feels are imposed on him - for example, no smoking illegal drugs or living on junk food.

My friend is exhausted and depressed with her efforts to help someone who absolutely refuses to help himself; but she feels she has no option but to continue to enable this man even though other living options might prove more effective in making him face up to the realities of his choices and their consequences. She feels that she owes him something, perhaps. Do you think she is right?

Don't let him come first over your family. Put him in an assisted living or nursing home as soon as possible. It sounds like you don't owe him anything but you do owe your baby and family all of you.

I agree with those who present a tough love approach. You have been very generous, but with a baby on the way, I think it's time to retire as his caregiver and focus on the health and emotional well being of you and your family. You have done enough.

So sorry that this has been difficult for you. But you should know that the fact that
you are thinking about change, may mean it is time...I placed my FIL in AL 8 months ago.His health is not good, lots of medications and for the last eight months he has been on an even keel. The one thing that did change, is I visit and support him...I am
no longer on the spot 24/7 and subject to his bad moods or worries. My family did care for him for 7 years.. and moving him to another living situation, put me and my family first. I am no longer depressed and wanting to run away. Contact local senior
agencies and get help- and do not back down when he fight you and your family.

No, if you place him, I'd bet he won't be dead in a year. I visit my mom in her NH daily, and when walking around there, I've noticed that the men residents there seem to get plenty of attention and that they enjoy each other's company, maybe even more so than the women.  This NH has one outside patio where they go to smoke and play cards.  Some of these guys roll their own cigarettes out there.  I get the feeling if somebody wants a greasy cheeseburger, somebody would probably make him one.  Seriously, it would not surprise me if they manage to get something stronger now and again.  Place him and visit often. You'll never feel totally free from guilt, but you sure don't have to put up with his bad behavior.

My mother in law was able to get SSI which paid for assisted living. I used Council on Aging for help and they told me what was available. I loved my mother in law but having to work meant leaving her home alone which just wasn't working. Don't let him guilt you into putting up with caring for him. You need to put yourself first right now.

I truely understand & have been there. I eventually had to let my mom have her way. I had to leave her and care for myself who is physically sick as well. It does not get better, but worst for those that have to care for the Love one. You have to ask if you have the means to help w/o it affecting your health.

Not your fault he did not plan ahead for his own care. Your family comes before him so in my opinion you need to put him out. Place him in a state run facility if none of the rest of the family will help. Most of us do not want to be a burden on our children and it sounds like he is continuing his selfish ways because you let him get away with it, so get him out. Don't feel guilty about it either.

Dear Sadsmile,

I'm sorry to hear how you feel. I know its hard when there is no validation and acknowledgement for your efforts. Dads can be tough.

Please know there are always options. When we start using words like miserable its time to make a change. Talk to social worker. Talk to the town office. There has to be options for your dad. I know no one wants to move to an assisted living or a nursing home. Given his age he could be struggling with dementia as well or side effects of his medications, so maybe that is why he is not cooperative. Try talking to him and see if there is any willingness to change. And if not, do what you have to for yourself and your young family. Don't be like me and let the anger and resentment overwhelm you and in the end affect your ability to continue to advocate for your dad.

Thinking of you and hope you can find a better option.

Sad, ask yourself why you are doing this.

When you are a parent, your child HAS to come first. Next come your own and your spouse's needs.

Your parent is an adult. Most of us had parents who cared for and nurtured us. I never felt as though it was my obligation to provide a home for, or to provide hand's on care for my parents. The obligation to provide care does not work that way, in my opinion.

Why do you think he'd be dead if he resided elsewhere?

They can certainly paint their caring child into a corner. What do we do when there is no where else for them to go but they're making life miserable? I don't think there is an answer except to decide who is most important -- your father or your family (including yourself). If you choose your family, help your father find subsidized housing that he can afford on his SS check. A lot of older people do that, so he should be able to. Look around at the senior apartments and find if anyone works with the government to subsidize. Contact your local HUD and explain to them you're looking for housing for your father. They may know of some things. Good luck!