Is being miserable worth it when your taking care of a parent?

You’re pregnant? You should not be doing hands on caregiving as it will endanger you & your unborn child...you can have a miscarriage as a result of it. Find another solution please!

I agree with most of these answers. Personally, I've had some recent health issues and friends that have passed that has made me resentful and I have evolved into a real hateful person speaking my mind to my husband and kids sometimes being very hurtful. I contribute it to caregiver burnout and feel as if my life is passing, not doing the things we had planned to both leisurely and in my career because I've had this "cross to bear" for the last 12 years. One person told me I need to get over it and deal with it. I was acting bitter and feeling sorry for myself and someone else told me to quit blaming my parent for the way I'm acting. That I'm an adult. Glad you're all here because maybe I am feeling sorry for myself, but at least people on this site can understand.

You need to put yourself first!!!. He has lived his life. He should go to a nursing home so you and your family can get some rest and be able to live your lives

Your upcoming new baby and your daughter are needing you and your attention. Your husband might enjoy some peace in his home.

If it’s at all possible your dad needs to be placed in AL or a retirement community. Was he in the military? Perhaps there are benefits he could receive. You said yourself your dad would be happy smoking dope and hanging out with fellows of the same persuasion. He’s not happy in the current situation and he’s ruining your family’s  home life, so you aren’t happy. Explore all avenues of alternative living that can give everyone peace.

Sadsmile - I can relate. Personally, I feel it is more important to tend to yourself and your own family as they will be on this earth much longer than your dad will. You have to look at it this way - his own decisions have lead him to this point, and you can't jeopardize your life, your unborn child's life and your other immediate family members for someone who continues to make bad choices. As they say in parenting - 'pick your battles'. For your own sanity sake, you will need to choose those things that are truly important, (like safety of your family) and let the other things go.
--- Just the opinion of one woman who's been there.

My FIL was still living on the family farm with his two youngest daughters, one son-in-law and his grandson who had been born earlier in the year. Sister in law had to be away on business for a week and hired aides to be with Dad while away. When she returned both of the aides recommended he be placed in and facility. While Dad had always been mild mannered due to a stroke and some dementia he was starting to become difficult and act out. SIL was advised that if she continued to keep him home and something happened (even by accident) to injure her son that it would be big trouble for them all with Protective Services because she allowed Dad to stay there and put her son in harm’s way.

In other words, if Dad harms the children with any history of abuse you could lose both your children.

I saw the "100 children" and discounted that to be fantastical.

It may be best to put him in a nursing home, he will have friends who are his age. Your children are watching this interaction. I grew up in a very disfuctional home. Mom was bipolar, there was no help back then, it took years to overcome the abuse! If he put you down, he will also put your kids down. No child should have to live in such misery, and neither should you.

Take him to your local Emergency Room for one of his ailments and then refuse to take him back with you. Tell them you fear miscarrying due to the demands of being his caregiver. The hospital social worker will have to find him emergency placement and get another county social worker on the case that will find permanent housing for him.

If you are miserable, that can lead to depression. You won't be able to take any medication for that because of your pregnancy. Do you want to become suicidal? Get him out ASAP.

another major reason to rethink taking care of your parent is this: when women are very stressed in pregnancy this can be linked to autism in a newborn. I went through a lot of stress when I was pregnant with my last child and he is autistic. After having severe depression and the stress it took its toll. An autistic child is for life and when we leave someone else has to step in to take care of that adult child. You can still do the correct thing for your Father and you can find a place for him that is safe and okay. Do this for your child if for no other reason.

Sad to hear that, I lost my dad 2 years ago and he also didn`t want to eat or take his meds. I hope you find him a good place so you can go on with your life, it seems you have done it all for him despite his behavior.

I so I identify with what you are going through, I too was a caregiver. You are at a crossroads and you need to respond and transition to what you are feeling. This may be the best for you and your family.

So sorry you're in this situation. Been there....if you can find a professional to talk to they can help you get the confidence to make changes and walk you through. You are better for your family and self if other arrangements are made for dad. Best of luck. 🙏

Don't be a martyr—it's not your responsibility. It sounds to me like HE is miserable, too. Place him NOW—set both of you free from this misery, as well as your husband and daughter.

What would I do? I would find him a nursing home and take him there to finish out his days.  Case closed.  

 If he's miserable there, that's too bad, he sounds miserable anyway.  If he wants to eat greasy burgers, let him, eating organic lettuce and chicken breast isn't going to make him young, healthy and vigorous.   Chances are he will not, entering his new domicile,  keel over and die, he could very well outlive YOU.... You have a baby coming and your own family, your own life to tend to, and if you do not find him another place to live,  you and possibly the baby can suffer from ill health.  Your marriage could be endangered.  Read what all the sadder but wiser people here say and get going on The Big Move....please write back and let us know how it goes. 

Guilt, a kind heart and sacrifice! I think those are elements that most of us here on this site share. What a heavy package to carry!

In your case I've a feeling there is another side of guilt you're not considering, and that is how you would feel if -God forbids!- your pregnancy gets affected with the stress and constant misery you are living in. Or in the best case scenario the mere fact that you're not enjoying your pregnancy as every mother should and not having moments of peace with your baby.
How about the guilt of not being a good mother because you're devoting most of your energy and life to him.

Is that guilt easier to carry? I'm afraid it probably is worse. So, to me it becomes in a way a matter of choosing the lesser evil, and more than anything finding BALANCE.

Caregiving absorbs not only all of a person's time, it absorbs their everything!! And you have no longer the right to devote all of you to him, because now you're a mom, and that should naturally be your prime role.

That doesn't mean you should relegate him and his care, not at all! But realize it's time to assume the most important role in your life, a role that any loving parent would want you to enjoy: Motherhood! Your father cannot tell you this as he is not able to for many reasons, but if he was healthy and kindhearted he would most definitely applaud your decision to be a mom above all.

So, look for help. Take the bitterness out of your home. Your home should feel full of light right now! You've plenty of good comments and suggestions here about possible external living choices. I'm sure you can find something. And if you're afraid he'll die within a year, first of all that might be an unfounded fear, but even if he did, please think about him, about how bad he feels now. He is probably so unhappy and bitter because he is not living life anymore, he is just surviving! So he might be ok with not staying here for so long. Think about him and you'll see the options seem a little different.

It's very hard to make these decisions, but it'd be harder to live with something you might regret for the rest of your life such as jeopardizing the health and wellbeing of your baby!

Have faith, be brave, take control of life and smile again!! :)

He CANNOT and SHOULD not come first. He should have thought ahead for his care. He'll have to apply for Medicaid and live in an NH. Good grief-you're pregnant and you're trying to care for him?! Time to stop.

Your dad doesn't give a rat's a** about you, your unborn child or anyone else. What grabbed me the most was the 99 siblings you have. I would start the eviction process today because he needs to be out of your house and out of your life.

Put him in a Medicaid approved facility and get on with your life.

I think a lot of people feel their families members will die in a facility because so many people say staying at home is best, that they become depressed etc. I believe its about how the one that's put in the home feels period. Some adjust, some like it better, more social, yet others withdraw and become depressed. You shouldn't be guilted about putting him in a home. Especially being pregnant, that's too much stress and you shouldn't be expected to do it any more. You gave it years. Whether it being worth it or not, that's something only you can answer. Good luck!

Your father is affecting the health of your unborn child. If you do not get him out, the damage may be permanent. Who is more important to you: your father or your baby?

If he refuses to leave and gets abusive, call 911. I doubt the police will leave an abuser around a pregnant woman. Let the authorities deal with him. Your father is an adult. He's also toxic, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get on with your life and look forward to bringing a healthy new baby into your family.

sadsmile, if your father has not been declared incompetent you cannot put him in a facility without his consent. You can ask him to look for a different place to live, but if he refuses, you will have to start eviction procedures. I hope he is not smoking weed around you and your child. Don't feel bad about someone so inconsiderate as your father, I hardly thinks he cares how you feel.

If you place your father in any facility, he will be neglected in some form or another. If you love him, watch him like a hawk. Your state Medicade program has an I.H.O. ( In Home Opperations) waiver that will help pay for care providers to come into your home and help. I am currently in the process of getting my mother help at home. He must be on Medicade and eligable for nursing home placement. The govt. created programs to keep or loved ones at home instead of nursing homes (h*ll). GOD be with you and your family.

You've gotten good (the SAME) advice and let me add mine, too.

Your father's problems are 100% of his own doing, aside from just aging. The MIA family? I would be too.

Even people on SSI can find housing. Get on your computer and start the search. Place him and walk away. If "guilt" gets to you--go visit him once in a while---but you put your own little family first and don't look back.

you must take care of yourself, especially when you are expecting. I have taken care of my Mom for almost eight years and I am developing heart problems from this not to mention depression and utter helplessness. She too, thinks only of self and it is not going to make them a better person by destroying yourself. They will be the same person with you or without you. Let the system take care of him. You have done enough. I now have Home Health coming in to bathe my Mom. She would lower me to that place if she could but I refuse to let her own my soul completely. The therapists have left as she refuses to do anything like the dishes or pick up after herself or fix her own meals. So, I have a plan to exit soon and she will have to go into assisted living as none of my other six siblings want her. Sad but this is reality.

Hi, Sadsmile, you are indeed in a difficult spot. The only way out of the difficult spot is to follow your heart and your gut instincts. There is no easy answer because he is your father and you want to do right by him, as you should. But doing right by him does not mean living in misery. Because he has all his mental capabilities, if talking to him and working things out does not work, then you have to do what is right for you and your family. My situation is different in that my mom has dementia and does not have the capability to live on her own or make any decisions. The difficult times are due to the dementia, not her.
It sounds like you have talked with your dad and were unable to get anywhere and make any positive changes with him. So, now you have to dig deep and do what is right for you and your family. Someone else mentioned contacting the office of the aging which is a good place to start. There are options available to your dad, it does take time to get anything done, but it's well worth the effort in the end. Good luck, sending hugs and prayers your way. Remember, it won't be easy, but do what you need to do and be kind to yourself in the process.

Hi. My experience with my mother is very similar. She lived with my husband and I for two years. It was not a good experience. The stress grew more and more. I could only get minimal help from my two brothers. Finally, due to depression and suicidal thoughts I realized I had done all I could do. My mother now lives back at her home. I go there twice a week. My older brother lives there but can "get away" because of his work. Mom still wants someone to take care of everything for her. I have had to set boundaries. She will never understand what she is doing to me. I will never understand how she can do this to her children. She is a mentally capable adult. She will never change.

My advice is to think about how the situation is affecting you. Some times you have to put yourself first. Good luck.

Don't let him come first over your family. Put him in an assisted living or nursing home as soon as possible. It sounds like you don't owe him anything but you do owe your baby and family all of you.

Sadsmile, I'd put him in the assisted living facility and let him fend for himself. You're knocking yourself out and shorting yourself and your family while he couldn't care less. My dad was just like yours--I could have cut off my arms and legs for him while he'd tell me how rotten I am. He was a waste of space on this planet. Some people aren't truly human. It's not fair to yourself or your family to keep on as you are.

You have a baby on the way...it’s a no brainer...Abusive parent goes to ALF