It is so difficult to finally make the decision to place your LO in memory care. I, too, had to make that decision for my wife. That takes courage. It takes understanding of the disease, and it takes the realization you can no longer provide the care he needs. The grief you experience now is a combination of many feelings and emotions. The fact that you are separated, the hope that he will be well cared for, the realization that he will never be coming home, and finally the the heart wrenching thought that he will live his last days in MC. It's tough. The grief you are feeling now is a natural emotion to the separation and the uncertainty of the future. You've passed the torch of caregiving to someone else, but you are still his advocate. Get to know the staff so you are comfortable in discussing your husband's care with them.
Please don't think you've lost your sense of purpose. He is still your husband and he needs your love, your companionship, your touch. Visit often and don't let his disease dictate your visits. Some people say what's the use of visiting. He can no longer recognize me. He can no longer converse. All he does is sleep. But he may still know your voice. He can still feel your touch. He will know that someone still cares.
You will still ask yourself “who am I without him?” We don't grieve until something special is lost, initially their companionship, and eventually their life. Your grief and pain validates the significance of your relationship. It's not too early to begin reading about grief and/or to seek grief counseling.
“Getting to the Other Side of Grief, Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse” is an excellent book on grief recovery. You may think it's too early for this book because your husband is still in MC, but it's not. See if your local library has it or order it from Amazon. My thoughts are with you. I wish you well.
It really is no different then when the one we're caring for dies, as we not only grieve their loss, but we also lose our sense of purpose. I remember after my husband died last Sept.(after I cared for him for many many years in our home)I felt very lost and wandered around my home for several months wondering what it was that I was now supposed to be doing with myself, as my "purpose" was no longer there, and so I had to find a new purpose, which eventually I did. So give yourself time. Allow yourself time to grieve, and rest, and then start to look at the bright side that your husband is now in a facility where he is receiving the 24/7 care he needs, and you can get back to just being his advocate and loving wife. It's going to be ok. There is light on the other side of the tunnel. God bless you.
I thought I would feel mostly relief when I placed my husband in MC 7 weeks ago, but most of what I felt was grief and brokenness. I feel lost. I visit him everyday, watching him decline and feeling helpless. The other day, I was hugging him and said, "Want to dance?" He smiled and started to shuffle a little. Precious moment - so few and far between - but it gave me a tiny bit of peace. I'm praying for you, JSunny, that God will send you tiny moments of peace in this sad, sad journey we are going through.
You have not lost your sense of purpose. But it has changed. You are now not "just" a caregiver you are an advocate. Sometimes that can be a more difficult role because so many things are out of your direct control. Much of the grief we have while a caregiver is anticipatory grief. All the decline you see day to day is like loosing someone bit by bit. That is very difficult. But in Memory Care you may see a more pronounced decline and that is like loosing them by chunks, not bit by bit. Someone else will be doing a lot of the things that you did so you might not notice a small decline and then "all of a sudden" it will seem like there is a big decline. Placing someone in Memory Care is not something that you all of a sudden decided to do. There is great thought and angst in that decision so it must have been made for a very good reason. Bottom line is you made the decision for his best interest and safety. Keep that in mind.
Lots of good advice here !!! many of us had to make this difficult heartbreaking decision and it takes lots of time and grief to realize we didn’t have any other good option. a good MC has lots of advantages. it’s a safe place … meds will be organized … lots of people taking care and doing all the required grunt work . Activities and opportunities to interact socialize not isolated at home . We need visit everyday or as often as you can .. get to know staff… bring presents and treats …. you’re now making new memories of a loving wife and relationship instead of an exhausted frustrated caregiver. there are no perfect options for dementia !!! best luck
No. Because caring for my mom is still a lot of work, even though she is in Long-term Care.
With visits, phone calls, Google calls, checking in with the nurses, social workers, and Activities staff, making sure that her bills are paid, etc., it is still a full-time job.
Placing someone in a care facility does not mean that you stop caring for them.
Oh yes. Me too! My moms in assisted living..no one gets that I as POA/daughter do all her shopping, MD calls/visits, incontinence needs that she likes best, pages and pages of forms, walker repairs, searches for “lost” items, dental visits, mri days, massage visits for sore muscles, interactions with nurse and CNA , weekly church days, and social visits.. and much more. Mine is a 24 hr a week job…done joyfully but still tiring at 70 {moms 88}….our job goes on even after a placement. This is not an easy way out at all!
I know exactly how you feel. I had to place my husband in Memory care 1 year ago and believe me it was the hardest thing I had to do. I knew I had to, I just couldn't take care of him any longer. He's getting the care I couldn't give him and seems to be content with his living arrangements. He tells me if he can come home when he gets better and of course he can. I know that is not possible. I visit him every other day and he's happy with my visits. The whole situation has taken a toll on me. I have the responsibility of doing everything and that is quite a challenge. I do what I can and the rest can wait until I get to it. Don't beat yourself up with the tough decision you had to make, it was for the best, for you and your loved one. Take one day at a time and do what you can and if you can't do something one day, then do it the next. Remember, to take time for yourself and don't feel guilty about your decision. I'm grateful we have a place and people to care for our loved ones when we can't. Praying for you and wishing you the best. Don't be discouraged!
Transitions can be hard. Your days don't involve the same activities or have the same people in them. Allow yourself time to "feel", to heal, and to decide on the next steps in this new stage of your life.
Yes…I also felt it..I got counseling for Anticipatory Grief.. a very real problem…grieving before someone dies. I grieved the loss of my mom..this new mom is her body but not really my mom. We no longer have deep mom and daughter conversations. My life is putting out fires for her….filling her needs.. After 12 therapy sessions I felt so much better.Now I can face what will happen in the future. Give it a try. Mine was mostly paid for by medicare.
No, because I know she is getting better care than I could provide, and I can visit as a daughter not a carer, the house seemed a bit strange for a while with not having the cooking and other necessary chores determined by another person, but there is visiting to do now so not grief or loss of purpose. However I can totally empathise with those who do feel grief or loss of purpose as it does not arise in a carer situation only. I hope that for them visiting and seeing their loved ones cared for helps them move on, find things to do, and get their own lives back in the way they would like them to be for the future.
Please don't think you've lost your sense of purpose. He is still your husband and he needs your love, your companionship, your touch. Visit often and don't let his disease dictate your visits. Some people say what's the use of visiting. He can no longer recognize me. He can no longer converse. All he does is sleep. But he may still know your voice. He can still feel your touch. He will know that someone still cares.
You will still ask yourself “who am I without him?” We don't grieve until something special is lost, initially their companionship, and eventually their life. Your grief and pain validates the significance of your relationship. It's not too early to begin reading about grief and/or to seek grief counseling.
“Getting to the Other Side of Grief, Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse” is an excellent book on grief recovery. You may think it's too early for this book because your husband is still in MC, but it's not. See if your local library has it or order it from Amazon. My thoughts are with you. I wish you well.
I remember after my husband died last Sept.(after I cared for him for many many years in our home)I felt very lost and wandered around my home for several months wondering what it was that I was now supposed to be doing with myself, as my "purpose" was no longer there, and so I had to find a new purpose, which eventually I did.
So give yourself time. Allow yourself time to grieve, and rest, and then start to look at the bright side that your husband is now in a facility where he is receiving the 24/7 care he needs, and you can get back to just being his advocate and loving wife.
It's going to be ok. There is light on the other side of the tunnel. God bless you.
You are now not "just" a caregiver you are an advocate. Sometimes that can be a more difficult role because so many things are out of your direct control.
Much of the grief we have while a caregiver is anticipatory grief. All the decline you see day to day is like loosing someone bit by bit. That is very difficult. But in Memory Care you may see a more pronounced decline and that is like loosing them by chunks, not bit by bit. Someone else will be doing a lot of the things that you did so you might not notice a small decline and then "all of a sudden" it will seem like there is a big decline.
Placing someone in Memory Care is not something that you all of a sudden decided to do. There is great thought and angst in that decision so it must have been made for a very good reason. Bottom line is you made the decision for his best interest and safety. Keep that in mind.
many of us had to make this difficult heartbreaking decision and it takes lots of time and grief to realize we didn’t have any other good option.
a good MC has lots of advantages.
it’s a safe place … meds will be organized … lots of people taking care and doing all the required grunt work . Activities and opportunities to interact socialize not isolated at home . We need visit everyday or as often as you can .. get to know staff… bring presents and treats ….
you’re now making new memories of a loving wife and relationship instead of an exhausted frustrated
caregiver.
there are no perfect options for dementia !!!
best luck
With visits, phone calls, Google calls, checking in with the nurses, social workers, and Activities staff, making sure that her bills are paid, etc., it is still a full-time job.
Placing someone in a care facility does not mean that you stop caring for them.
Don't beat yourself up with the tough decision you had to make, it was for the best, for you and your loved one. Take one day at a time and do what you can and if you can't do something one day, then do it the next. Remember, to take time for yourself and don't feel guilty about your decision. I'm grateful we have a place and people to care for our loved ones when we can't.
Praying for you and wishing you the best. Don't be discouraged!
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