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The memory care center has suggested we sit down for a care plan meeting with our mom present. I am not sure that is a good idea, but it might make her feel like she has more agency in the matter. What are your thoughts on this?

My parents are in a memory care and I can't imagine including them in a care plan discussion. They don't even realize they are in a memory care or why they are there. My Dad would be completely out of it and my Mom would be upset they are talking about them at all to me...

My Mom has no sense that her and my Dad even need care. She is one of the few in the memory care that doesn't have a walker or a wheelchair.. and she thinks because of that she should not be there.

Wow that would be so uncomfortable to me... I guess I could see if they didn't have dementia and were in a nursing home because of other medical issues.. then they might have some say so about their care and attend the care meeting.
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Sachelle Jan 3, 2019
Wow reading your thread is exactly how my grandmother is. Praying for us all
Take care
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I have gotten such great feedback. Thank you all. You don't know with my mom if Jekyll or Hyde is going to be present. Will she listen. No, probably not. Will something, word, a feeling, what she considers a criticism come out in a rage? Probably so. My sister and I have been with this for 2 active years. But this has been going on longer, if we are honest.just attributed to her eccentricity. Well no, alas. Gosh,were we dumb. Anyway, thanks so much, so very much for your input. It's appreciated. More than you know.
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Reply to Segoline
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I can't imagine my mom in a care plan meeting even before dementia
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Reply to MsMadge
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Here’s my experience: At Moms NH the care conference includes her head RN, her nurse practitioner, social worker, recreation theapist, and nutritionist. They bring their notes on how she’s doing medically, socially, eating and weight and I have opportunity to ask questions and give my opinion on how I think she’s doing and how they can improve her care. I brought Mom to the first meeting, but no others. So in my opinion it depends on if you think your Mom would make meaningful contributions to the meeting by answering questions without getting upset or stressed by the conversation. Would it confuse her? Make her sad? Do you think this is test to watch her behavior? They really shouldn’t need this setting to know how she behaves. It was at one of these meetings 2 years ago the NP announced she thought mom only had 3-6 months to live. I’m glad she wasn’t there for that! I’m actually rather surprised they want your Mom at the meeting.
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Reply to rocketjcat
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I don't think it would add anything to the meeting and perhaps distract from the purpose to have a LO with dementia present.
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Reply to Sanibel01
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My parents were at the first meeting, but not at any subsequent ones. It might be that this is the procedure for the NH to see how they react. Though not overly disruptive at the first meeting, my parents verbally rambled and we couldn’t get to what the meeting was about. Midway through, one of the nurses asked them if they wanted to go to the cafeteria to get some coffee and we would join them later. They agreed and we were able to continue. There are issues, complaints or concerns that I would feel very uncomfortable discussing in front of my parents, so their presence would impede the purpose of the care meeting.
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Reply to Treeartist
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My LO vacillated 180° while at home as to whether she should have help 24/7 or whether she should sell the house and go into assisted living.

Her 2 POAs made the arrangements for her first visit to the facility, but her cognitive status deteriorated so rapidly that subsequent care was planned through the memory care unit and she was not included in meetings, based on the assumption that any discussion of permanent care would trigger a severe negative response in her.

I have never had any reason to think that she would have been better served through being present.
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Reply to AnnReid
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Hi

It would be based on the demeanor of your loved one.
My grandmother it would be a no. Because she does not acknowledge that she has a memory loss . she doesn't acknowledge that she's forgetful so those are triggers that would ignite a confrontation, delay, and interfere with the memory plan for her care.

If she's able to understand and request being a part of the care plan give it a try but it depends again on the demeanor and only you know her demeanor. I hope this helps you

Sachelle
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Segoline Jan 3, 2019
Your grandmother, and my mom have anosognosia. A lack of awareness of impairment. That complicates any positive discussion.
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I opted to meet with the team without my parents present largely because there was information that needed to be shared, by the staff but also by me and in the interest of keeping on topic and in an effort to maintain accuracy it was a better approach. When they arrived at their new home Dad insisted he have his car. I placated him and even though it was physically there in the parking lot I made sure that each time they needed to go somewhere I took them in my car.

During the care conference two months after they arrived I posed the question to the team 'is it time to keep him off the road?' and the team concurred. The doctor decided that he would be bad cop and send in the paperwork to the DMV so that my dad didn't know I had given the order.

Had my parents been at the meeting there's no way it could have gone so smoothly. Also with the myriad of health issues they both have during intake they both neglected to mention some of their health concerns. (asthma, celiac disease, etc) Had they been there it would have turned into a family bickering.

Personally I found the meeting very helpful and it allowed me to build a strong alliance with the staff which is worth it's weight in gold.
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Reply to BaileyP3
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My 90 year old mother with mild dementia was at her care plan meeting and we couldn't talk about her memory issues because she refuses to accept it. She would argue over things, like saying she bathed/showered when she refused. So , it wasn't helpful to have her there. It may have helped her self esteem but she was late coming down because she hates to be moved. Once there, she was angry that we were talking about her instead of to her. We tried to address issues to her but she derailed them. So, since we were free to have the discussion we really needed to have, it was better that she not be there. She couldn't grasp the finery of the discussions and it was more stressful for her.
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