Is 76 too young to put mom in a nursing home? I need help :(

Age is not the criteria for nursing home placement. Medical need is the criteria and it sounds like your LO has reached that stage. It is particularly true is her actions are affecting you and your family's relationships. You are not a trained nurse or CNA and you don't have the resources to keep her safe.
As has been mentioned, get all your legal ducks in a row if they are not there already. If you have any questions or need help please invest in a good certitied elder care attorney; they are worth the money.
Placement anywhere is difficult in the midst of the raging pandemic. If your mother is not able to private pay for placement, she will need to have Medicaid which you can apply for. Be aware that Medicaid beds in AL MC are few and far between and are often given to those residents who have been private pay for years. Many NHs have secured MC units but most will require a legitimate payment source prior to admission so that is why you really want to get the Medicaid application going as soon as possible. I suggest you contact your state or country Office on Aging for more detailed information. The social workers there will probably know which NH are accepting and will guide you through the Medicaid process. Good Luck

Just did it with my mom who is also 76. It is horrible right now because we can’t visit normally due to Covid but trying to work from home, care for her and my marriage when we are all stuck in the house was horrible too. It became unsafe for her - she has hallucinations from LewyBody dementia and thinks people are breaking in then has panic attacks. But I don’t have guilt. I know I did the best thing for all of us. But do prepare yourself because you will go through all the stages of grief after. Take a few days off work if you can.

There are people in their 50's with early onset dementia that have to be placed.  Do not feel guilty.  You have every right to feel sad about the situation, but there is no reason to feel guilty.  You and your family are entitled to a life outside of caregiving.  Find her a safe place to go, hopefully close to your home so that visiting isn't a problem.

Take care of yourself.

This woman has dementia (horrible to deal with and impossible to reason with them) and physical problems. Apparently her behavior is having a terrible negative effect on you and your family. You have a family and a life to lead and you have the right to have peace and do what you need to do. The minute the behavior of these people starts to have a damaging impact on you and your family and you cannot stop their bad behavior, the you must face the fact they cannot remain in your presence. They must be placed. That time is now - she has dementia and you should NOT have to deal with the impact.

I assume your Mom is under the care of a neurologist or at least a primary care physician. Discussing her case with a neurologist with experience in psychopharmacology for the elderly might be a good first step. Perhaps a low dose of an anti-anxiety medication or even anti-psychotic might help her become less combative and enable you to manage her at home.

My mom's nursing home room mate was 37 years old. She was essentially an infant, could not speak, sit up, or do anything for herself. This lady did not survive when COVID19 hit the facility. My 80 year old mother did.

Nursing homes are not just for the very elderly.

No, age has nothing to do with it. My Mom is 93 and up until March of this year was coping fairly well in AL. A bout of pneumonia landed her in hospital, then rehab where her dementia quickly declined. We kept her there in SNC until it was recommended we move her to a memory care unit because she wasn’t really physically bad enough for NC.

AL was about $4500 a month. SNC close to $6500, MC is $5000 in Ohio. Yes, it is expensive, no Medicare will not pay. Luckily Mom has the assets to pay for up to a year. AL/MC usually will not accept Medicaid waivers until the resident has lived there for 2 years.

It sounds like you Mom might be a candidate for Memory Care. I suggest you call around and discuss this with several facilities. They can make an assessment of your mom. Nursing Home care is usually the last stage.

Imho, YOU do not pay for the facility care of your mother. Seek out an elder law attorney. Prayers sent.

No and you need help. Both my parents passed this year but they had been living in an assisted living center. Dad put Mom in first, he felt she needed the extra care she wasn’t receiving at my brother’s house and he was worried. Then about a year later he put himself in with Mom and they shared the same room. We decorated their room with family photos and personal items. It was a huge help especially for my Mom as she had dementia. The nurses gave her a bath, helped her get dressed, took her to the activity room. They had activities every day and all the nurses were wonderful to them. Not all nursing homes are like this but the one in Panguitch Utah is great. You obviously need help so get it for your Mom, you also need a break.

Age is not a factor in whether a person needs NH home care. Their health condition determines when they are ready for it. Your mother's condition has progressed to the point where it is no longer SAFE for her or for you to keep her at home.

BTW, the median age for Alzheimer's Disease is only 62. There are many people who have dementia in their 40s and 50s. So, no, 76, is not "too young."

A nursing home is a LOT more expensive than assisted living or in-home help. If your mother has too much income or assets, she won't qualify for Medicaid - and she will blow through her savings very quickly with the cost of a nursing home.

My mom went to Assisted Living at 75, and now in memory care at 78. I always thought she was too young, but its really not if necessary. It's been such a blessing to me to have her safe. It will be an adjustment but if you think it is time, you are probably right. Best of luck!

My brother is 57 and in one
. I had to put a lock on my basement door and a lock on the front door that you have to have a key to open cause my mom would open it and go out in the night and snow. She gets very mean and hateful and I get upset and cry cause it hurts then later she don't remember she said anything.

Sorry for such a young age of your mother to have dementia, but I had a classmate that passed at 59 due to dementia issues.  And YOU do not have to pay for your mothers care if she has to be placed into a NH.  Get in contact with a good reputable Elder Attorney and they will help you sort things out and get Medicaid applied for your mother (or at least tell you how to get it done).  If she has dementia and is becoming combative (and you others in your house), it could become a big issue if someone would get hurt.  And I am guessing that others in your house are either "teleworking" or going out to their jobs so you would need someone to care for her anyhow.  Get with the Elder Attorney and find a good place for her to be.  She won't be allowed to leave and she will have others that she can communicate with and do things and be cared for 24/7.  I wish you luck.  YOU need to take care of YOU or you can't take care of anyone.

I have been there if your mom not doing good put in the the a good nurse home or put her . good luck

While a NH sounds possible, esp if she qualifies for Medicaid, you should see if there are any AL/MC places (some NHs have MC units, which she would need) that accept Medicaid. Meanwhile, find a local EC atty who can assist with the application and might have suggestions for places you can check out.

Age, as many noted, isn't the real criteria for LTC. Condition and ability to provide the care are the decision makes. Her condition certainly qualifies and the need to work and retain your own health and sanity are also decision makers. You've done the best you can, and now the best you can do for your mother is to find a good place where she will be well cared for AND safe!

Kindly ignore the previous response that "Going into a Nursing Home is never good for the loved one."

Statements like this only heap guilt on caretakers in an already bad situation. There are tons of stories here of elders who had to be placed in a NH and it worked out well. Their elders had more socialization and more activities and help 24/7. And families knew their elder was safe, which is a huge relief.

You are no longer able to keep Mom safe if she's wandering off and combative. This isn't your fault! You're not SuperWoman... you can't take care of yourself, your own family, and Mom at once and do it all perfectly well. No one could!

If she's this far along in her dementia, it's time for placement. You're not giving up on her; you're doing what is best for her. It's just at the stage where you do not have the training or strength to care for her at home anymore.

Caregiving is the hardest job for family. Covid makes it harder to get respite. Do place her in a nursing home, where she will be well looked after. Do not feel guilty. You have done your job as caregiver for a long time, now it's time to rest and let other help out. Good luck with finding the right setting for Mom. It may take some time but one is out there for her.
A caregiver

She is going to get lost or hurt by walking away on her own. You're going to end up with Adult Protective at your door when it happens. As for the dementia - it is very, very common for it to show up as accusing people of stealing their things. Starts with small things and gets bigger. Then the wandering, etc. It is a downward spiral and she may have reached the point she needs more help than you can give.

If you need to return to work, are the hubby and children going to be able to contain her within the home and care for her? That's your big question right now, so totally evaluate your answer. At 42, you probably cannot afford to quit your job, limit your retirement income (from school and SS), so your financial needs are a huge consideration.

Consider her safety regardless of her age. Even being at home you are having difficulty stopping her from walking away. Imagine if you were at work and away from home. She's just like a child - what would you do to keep your own child safe? It is probably time to find a place where she cannot walk out on her own and have her care attended to 24/7.

Not easy to make this change in her life, but it is better than the guilt you would have should she get lost or hurt on one of her outings. Some folks do well long in to their 90's, some require facility care much, much earlier. Age is not the factor

If the threat of covid is at the top of your list of concerns, talk with her doctor about in home help. Medicare (and Medicaid) will pay for certain things to help you out for now. Bathing, housekeeping for her (bed changing, cleaning her room, etc). Ask to see how a referral from dr could help you out.

It's not the age, it's the behavior that will land her in a NH.

And it's NOT up to you to pay for mom's care. That's why she has SS. Start checking in to places now. Be aware she'll be in a 2 week quarantine right off the bat and then you'll have to follow the facility's rule afterward. If you are ready to have mom be in that kind of a place--do it now.

Age is not the problem. Your mother has reached a point in her dementia where she is a risk for getting lost or hurt. Her combativeness makes her too difficult to manage at home. Residential nursing homes came to be because of situations like yours. Please get her into a facility that is close enough to visit and rest knowing she is being well cared for while you work and care for your family.

There really isn't an age for Nursing Homes. They are for any person that needs one tgat doesn't have any family or friends able to care for them.

I can understand the tiredness of taking care of someone.

Going into a Nursing Home is never good for the loved one and actually at this time now with the Covid , I don't think it's a good idea for anyone to be going into a Nursing Home.

Most hate it, are very unhappy and don't want to be there.

They usually feel sad, abandoned, scared and unloved and eventially lose their will to live.

If you think you can't handle it anymore, you might try using your mom's Social Security on partime help, a few hours Mon - Fri while you go back to work and or get a day on a weekend for Caregiver help while you take a much needed break to be able to go out to dinner , Get a massage and enjoy yourself.

If you know your aren't able to continue caring for your mom, then you can start having conversations about what will be the best solution and the conversations should be done while ya'll are having a nice time not during an argument.

Start now and go look at a few Nursing Homes and chose two to show your mom.

Let her know up front that it won't happen till after the Holidays which means after New Years.

Let her know that you have found a couple and tell her you would like her to choose which one she would like to live at..

Prayers

Perhaps where you live there is an assisted living community that takes Medicaid.

It’s time.

"Nursing Home" to me is Skilled Nursing and it sounds like your mom does not need that type of care now.
Memory Care is more of what she would need. Less of a medical setting, more home like with activities and people that have been trained to care for people with dementia of different types.
"Nursing Homes" are generally not locked units where as Memory Care Facilities are locked so residents can not just "up and go".
If at 76 this is the type of care your mom needs then she is not too young. There was a seminar I was attending at a Memory Care Facility and one of the attendees asked the age of the youngest resident. The response shocked most. The youngest resident was 36 years old, he had been diagnosed with Early Onset Dementia. He and his wife had a 2 year old child. She just could not care for both.
Look into Adult Day Care for your mom. Many will pick up in the morning and return them in the late afternoon. That might work with your schedule.
If your mom is a Veteran there is the possibility that the VA could help
Check with your local Senior Center or Area Council on Aging there may be programs that they are aware of that could provide other options.

Your mom needs to go into a nursing home since she can't care for self. It is not about age. For instance, my sister is only 66 and is in a long term care facility - Why because she is not physically capable of taking care of her self -- and her only child cannot stay with vher

"I'm exhausted from being mistreated "

Of course you are! Now it's time to make a change. 16 years you've been doing this? How did you come to take her into your home -- were there no other choices at the time?

"Now she has taken to leaving the house and saying that she is walking to the store. When I try to stop her she becomes combative and angry. I am a teacher and I need to return to work now but I can't afford assisted living or in home help. Is 76 too young for a nursing home?"

It was at the wandering point when my mother had to put her mother into a NH years ago. My mother also worked.

YOU do not have to pay for her to live in a facility. What are her finances? Can she become eligible for Medicaid?

76 wouldn't be too young, and in any case I agree that it's not age but state of health that matters; but I also wonder if you're unnecessarily limiting your options. It doesn't have to be Nursing Home Or Bust!

I looked quickly at your profile. Your mother was widowed at the young age of 60 and moved in with you after your family's sad loss. And then..?

I'm wondering when your mother was diagnosed with dementia, whether that is the only or even the major factor in her long history of complete dependence on you and your family, and if there might be many other kinds of support that would make life better for all of you.

No, it is not too young. To help identify mom's care needs contact the Area Agency on Aging to come in and do an assessment. They can also help you to identify programs that mom may qualify for to take care of the expense. YOU do not pay for it. You have your own late life care to save for.

I had mom live with me for 15 years and it's really hard. I feel your pain. I am going to tell you what I had to tell myself. I did more than my share. So did you! Let go. I thought I was strong for holding on. It actually took more strength to let go. It was the right thing to do and it will be right for you and most likely for your mom too.

Letting go does not mean that you don't care. I told myself this lie. It isn't true. You do not have to convince anyone that you care about your mom. You have already shown for 16 years how much you care for her! Finding the best facility for her is the very best thing that you can do for her. That is caring.

If you are like I was, we feel like no one will take as good care of mom as we do. That isn't true. They survive. We have been conditioned to care for them for so long that we don't know any other life. It takes a bit of deprograming and refocusing on our own lives to succeed in letting go.

Best wishes to you and your family.

You are not responsible for paying your mom's cost for assisted living or home help. If she can't afford to pay it, then the facility takes whatever her monthly income is and she goes on Medicaid. 76 is not too young for a nursing home if someone has dementia or any other chronic disease that requires professional care.