How old are you? Interesting range of ages and situations here has me curious...

I'm 59. I'm married with 3 kids; 2 grown and moved out and an almost 18 yr old that I am finishing up homeschooling Sr yr high school (who is on the Autism Spectrum although high functioning and a type 1 diabetic since age 8). Dad is 86 and lives 1/2 hours away. Every one else in my family has died. Mom and two brothers. I feel like you do. I don't necessarily resent having to help dad (he still lives in his home but is coming to the point where he shouldn't). We go to his house every weekend now. I did have resentment when my older brother was still alive because he lived there and did NOTHING to help dad. It's an acre of land with tons of trees (ie leaves!!) and brother didn't bother to help. Not his thing. So he did help dad in other ways but just not with any work. So, now that he is gone everything falls to me and my husband. What I resent is dad's attitude. He doesn't want us doing anything because his pride is damaged. He SAYS he will do it but we know he can't. He has dementia and doesn't have the ability to figure out things anymore. He was in construction and maintenance so that's hard for him now. So, instead of being grateful that we are there to help he just says "Don't do that ! I can do that !" But he can't. I guess his denial is the hard thing.

I am looking forward to September (Lord willing) when I will have my son graduated from high school and that will be off my mind. Then I can focus more on dad. I don't know how long he has to live. If his memory continues to fade he may end up in a memory care facility. What I DO resent is that I have a niece who lives 30 minutes from dad who does nothing to help (my brother's daughter; apple didn't fall far from the tree). She lets dad drive on the 2 lane highway to HER house to visit her (he goes because he's lonely). I had to go to LA to a funeral (Husband's Aunt) and asked her to come to dad's house and make a nice dinner and visit with him. Did she do it? No. So, I have to bite my tongue and not say anything. She does have 2 kids but dad has really helped her out alot so some payback wouldn't hurt.

I am now over 60 and with help of hubby have been caregiving for my father for almost 9 years now. I retired more than 2 years ago - earlier than planned due to stress of trying to manage 90 year old Dad with dementia, 2 households and FT career. I'm still thankful that Dad is here, but am somewhat resentful of the amount of responsibility and lack of personal freedom to enjoy the plans that we had hoped for in our own "Golden Years". We are definitely "stuck" but will make the best of things as long as he is healthy, safe and even occasionally happy, The saddest thing would be if Dad were to outlive both of us!

I'm 42. My mom is 80, in a nursing home with Alzheimer's. I don't so much feel resentful as angry that life can stink, for no reason and little explanation. I have learned and accepted that long ago. My dad died when I was 10, taught me that anything can happen to anyone at any time.

What I feel is furious...and also sad. Furious when I hear people older than I am--with two living parents--complain that their healthy mother did something to annoy them, while I have to sign the book in the nursing home lobby to see mine. And I feel sad that if I have children, they will never know who their grandmother really is, or experience her love. I feel sad that I can't ask my mom for advice when I really need it. If it matters, I've been married for two years.

Well, I was 47 when I quit my job, moved in with Mother in law to take care of her. My husband and I... Although, he got to leave everyday and go to work while I stayed and got so depressed, cried every day! In the meantime my husband was sick and so I hid my depression the best I could b/c he certainly didn't need anymore on him.. We added a room onto our house during all that, my husband had surgery, finally a year and a half later we moved her to our house. That helped a lot to be in my own house, even though still house bound. Then, low and behold, what do we have to do.... move Mama in with us too!!!... in less than a year from coming back home!!!! Mother in law passes away in the summer of 2014, Mama still going strong and driving me absolutely crazy as a Loon!!!!! I'm 55 years old now =(

riotanga, glad to see this resurface, as I responded almost two years ago. FYI I've survived my daughter's move back home with my then 2year-old grandaughter. It was a tough and chaotic adjustment made harder by my inflexible 86 yrear-old mother. Fortunately my daughter got back on her feet and was able to move out on her own. The next year was fraught with illness - my mother had a heart attack followed six months later by a major respiratory virus, landing her into the ICU for three weeks, and nursing home rehab another three. Outside of the daily trips to see her and all the worry, I was given a much needed six week respite!

In the meantime, my Rheumatoid arthritis kicked back in big time, along with OA, causing degeneration of both knees and then a hip. Stress induced, I am sure. I'm working my way towards health with a knee and hip replacement in the past six months, and the last knee to be done soon.

I am thankful Mother made it through, and life in general is going well. Does that stop the resentment? No. Unless you've walked in a caregiver's shoes you don't understand all that is involved - the stress, the time (doctors, prescription management etc.), the loss of being carefree. My kids resent the situation, too, as we don't have as much 'just us' time anymore. Looking forward I hope to never put them in my shoes as a caregiver. Not sure what I'd do differently, as I am glad to provide a home for my mother - just wish there was more freedom for me.

Notanga you have revived an old thread, one that I missed in the past. You are certainly in the right place to get the help you need so stick with the plan whatever that entails.
Everyone who comes to this site has their own cross to bear and many diverse reasons for taking on the task. You have reached the end of your capabilities and quite rightly are not prepared to continue.
I am 77 and when I joined A/C was in reasonable health and saw myself as the caregiver for my husband who has several potentially serious physical and mental illnesses. I mainly took over the financial side to things and helped him remember things like appointments. Just an extension of our way of life . He can be very difficult at times and we both realize it is because he is angry at the situation rather than at me but that does not make it any easier.
That all changed in the fall of 2015 when I became seriously ill and close to death several times. Reality slapped him in the face and he had to take over everything which he did with varying degrees of success which was not without trying very hard. He became totally exhausted and close to non functional. Things are slowly improving as I am able to regain strength. At this point I can totally relate to being the caregiver and the patient. I really do understand why the elders both demented or just aged behave the way they do, plus the strains of caregiving are very apparent although no where near as difficult as some of the other posters. Notanga you have every hope of moving forward and although you may not be able to resume your previous high paced career you are probably very employable as an instructor for the next generation of flight attendants or similar. Let the professionals do their job and move mother to whatever level of care she needs and I personally feel confident you will be singing a different tune in a few weeks.

riotanga, I know what you mean, I look in the mirror and can't recognize who I see as I had aged so much in the past 7 years :( Oh, if only I could have done this over, I would have set boundaries big time, whether my parents liked it or not.

Im 55 never married, no children, successful career until i resigned to take care of my mother w Dementia. Ive been alone all my life w a few relationships along the way. I was an international flight attendant so i pretty much had a different kind of lifestyle. Fast foward 5 years of caregiving and im resentful, angry, self esteem non existent, no social life, severe depression and i have checked myself into a behavioral health hospital because I was seriously losing it. Im not sure what im going to do moving forward but i know i cannot do this anymore. Worse is i cannot go back to my career.....granted its been a really bad day today which is why I logged on tonight...ok thanks for listening. ....those are my thoughts on caregiving from a single 55 year old woman who 5 years ago felt 20 ....fast foward to now...i know i dont feel 20 and i dont know what 55 is supposed to look like? I think i probably just feel my cronilogical age which means ive aged 35 years in 5. :/

To Dryad- For heaven sake put you mother AND father in an assistance living home, you are not being fair to your children. For to do all that you have put on your plate is ridiculous!

I wasn't, maybe it is because the answers to this have been very very valuable and I think I am not the only one using this site that would answer that way.

Keep on going. !! (Happy Father's day to Father's, Dad's, Grandfather's, Great Grand Father's and Great Great … and beyond Father's. Oh… I almost forgot… Father - to - be. . Adoptive parents Mother's and Father's… and every man that wants to be a F A T H E R!!!!
Faith
Action
Trust
Heard
Everlasting
Respectful
(F A T H E R)

I would like to say, that since this questions started, and I believed I started it, it really has been a great venting board, a story board, and a safe place for any one whom is care giving regardless of how, where what or why, to talk about their life, their story, their circumstances, and I want to tell all of you that without out each and every one of you in this world, we would have one or two or three people in need of help with no help, SO THANK YOU. I never thought asking a question as "how old are you …" would bring out the best responses and true gut responses in human kind. You are all great people, and I know that I appreciate each and every one of my fellow care givers, and some I realize are not paid in dollars, but to me the price tag in reality would be very large for what everyone on this post has done. "GOD BLESS"

I'm 53 and have been caring for my mom who moved next door to me for 3 years. She has severe COPD and is on oxygen 24/7 never drove it made friends. I have 4 siblings and only one who shows up about once every 2 months out of guilt. My husband retired at a young age last year and our dreams of travelling are put on hold for now!

Hi! I'm new to the site but started looking for something to help me be less resentful, angry, I don't know anymore. I'm 38, I have a wonderful understanding husband and two elementary school aged kids. My 93 year old grandmother has lived with us most of their lives. Over the past year, her dementia has gotten worse. She's getting mean and tells us she can do everything herself and then hurts herself trying to prove the point. I'm running myself ragged trying to take care of her and the kids and work. This year we got a care giver to help using grandma's long term care insurance. I still can't get everything done even with the care giver and my husband's help. She's ended up in hospital once this year already and ER twice. If you talk to her though she seems like she can follow the conversation and that sort of thing so the doctors don't understand how bad she is because they let her get away with the nod and smile routine.

No one seems able to give us any prognosis beyond dementia being a progressive disease.

We can't take the kids out and about without lots of planning either because grandma can't handle anything other than 74 degrees and can't walk much.

So I'm really trying not to be resentful not only of her but of her kids. They should be taking care of her but can't for a variety of reasons.

I'm 49 done the marriage thing, the divorce thing and the pets thing. No children. I've lived by myself (I enjoy it!) and roommates. Now for the last few months I've been taking care of my 75 year old mother. I was hoping to maybe one day marry again. I don't know if that will happen now.

51 married, my children are all out of the house. I was looking forward to time enjoying my life. I now have to help with my dad who had a stroke and alcoholic mother. I feel all kinds of emotions ay different times. There are times resentment sets in.

I'm 33, in a relationship but never married and no kids. After several falls over the holidays I decided to move my dad in. He is 87 going on 88 this September. I've never had to really provide care for anyone and in many ways feel like doing the best I can still isn't good enough. Until recently my dad and I always had long and rich conversations but more and more he seems almost childlike and like I've become the parent. It's tough adapting to the new role.

I am 48 divorced 20yrs no children and have been living with my mum not by choice for five years now and i feel like my life is over? i have fewer and fewer friends as two of them have met men now and ive been dumped i know some friends? resentment is only natural. my mums parents died in their 60s suddenly so she dosnt know what its like to care for elderly. i want my life back yesterday but i also want my mum safe and looked after my siblings are hateful and selfish and ive no support apart from a carer 3 times a wk who smokes my cigs and does nothing to help except wash a few dishes not all her fault as mum wont let her near her?
My mum has dementia and i know she would not want me to give up my life to look after her if she was normal and i have no intentions of giving up my life five years is a long time and now i want my life back and start living again before its too late my dad died in december and its really wakes you up to what life is about and i learnt that i want to make the most of mine while i still can. 48 is still young and i just cant see me doing this for much longer its no life i dont go out have no real friends and hate this town its not my choice to live here maybe cargiving would be easier if i even liked this place but i dont even my mum hated it as it was dads choice to live here not hers.
I think its different for everyone here some are happy doing this job and some arnt and i think your own personal circumstances have alot to do with cargiving if i was doing what i love careerwise had a supportful family a life and like this place i would have no problem looking after mum but the fact that i dont like it here makes this job alot worse.

I am currently 56. Married with no children just a herd of cats. Last December I rented a house for my parents about 3 miles away as neither of them were driving and mom had health issues. Sadly mom passed away unexpectedly beginning of March. My sis who is single and my twin lives 1000 miles away. When we moved mom and dad we never had a discussion as to what would happen if one would pass away.
Dad we knew has dementia just how severe I did not know until he moved in as mom had been compensations for him for a long time.
I had been planning on going back to work part time in addition to my hobby business. Our house is a quad level and cannot be modified in any way to have dad avoid all the steps. My greatest fear is that he will fall down the steps. So my sister, husband and I have recently made the decision to have dad live in a memory care assisted living facility that recently opened. It is still very close by and the place is awesome.
Mom was always the worrier and now that she is gone that has passed on to me. Though only 3 months into caregiving I look in the mirror and can see that I have aged and I weep at the changes in my life quite often. I have not really mourned the passing of my mom because my focus had to shift to my dad. Before I had relocated my parents we had looked into assisted living in their hometown two hours away. I wonder at times if mom would still be living if they had moved into assisted living instead of closer to me their daughter.

I am 20 years old. I work as a CNA now but when I was 16 my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. I'd have to say she was the mostly the easiest patient I ever had. That sounds pretty cynical, but I'm working for a client right now who has "parkinsonism" and has become a bit of bully....I'm working on leaving though. This particular client is stuck in a power chair- which isn't a big deal, but the problem is, he whispers. Every once in a blue moon he can talk loud enough to be audible but its pretty unusual. He gets very very frustrated when we make calls for him but arent asking the right questions or saying what he wants. I know he's frustrated with his lack ability to communicate but sometimes he turns into a little bit of a bully.

I have been taking care of my 74 year old grandfather with parkingsons, dementia, and COPD for the past 16 months with my sister. I am 25 and she is about to turn 21 May 7th. Sometimes it does feel overwhelming because we also live with him so sometimes even after your finished caring for him you can't escape. For instance I care for him 7am-4-5pm and she does the overnight shift. After 4-5pm even though I am not "on the clock" I am still in the environment hearing and seeing what is going on. I absolutely adore my grandfather and I love taking care of him but I feel like I have no life sometimes. It's very rewarding and I love the quality time I get with him though.

Hello Colleagues, Great thread. I'm 61, started at 60. My mother will soon be 85.. I gave up travelling from country to country doing volunteer work to take care of my my mom with Alz. I do not feel lonely or cheated out. For I have found a foundation to volunteer at. Praise God, mom is independent in her personal care. She cannot cook and can't carry out assignments. And she does not walk away, any more. So, three times a week I can leave the house for a few hours. She does not like being around me, so she is always in her bedroom unpacking and packing her suitcase. I will be leaving in a month for the rest of this year. My brother and his wife will come to live with her and assist her. This is a sudden change of plans, when one day I broke down. Right away, he suggested I go away and have my own life for the rest of this year. He is so sweet, his wife too. But I will return earlier should they in desperation ask me. Hold on, brave Colleagues. I will keep in touch.

livie 210 how old is your mother?
What are her physical problems? You say your sister won't help so why do you think you have to be the one? There have to be other solutions or ask yourself, do I enjoy playing the martyr?

I was 45 when I moved in with my mom to take care of her when my dad passed away. I'm 49 now. Sometimes I feel cheated out of my life. I'm single my kids are grown (son lives with us he's 24). Feel like this should be my time to have a life and I don't. I wouldn't be so resentful about taking care of her because I love her I just don't like her at all. She doesn't appreciate anything I do, she has become so lazy and always calls me a liar when I tell her doctor the truth. But someone has to be there for her my sister doesn't bother to help. Wow that feels good to get that out :)

I'm 48 and have had my mom with us for 2 yrs fulltime and lived with her during the weekdays a year before. Took care of her off and on during health crisis times for the previous 6 yrs or so. Had my mother in law (she passed away 3 yr ago) for a short time, she was very independent and would have rather died at home thyan let anyone wait on her. I realized how hard it was on my family when I was gone, only the past couple of years. I always believed when people said take time for yourself that I was different.....I had it covered, but have realized it's ok to get help, it isn't selfish to call a service or sitter. I have 5 young adult "kids" at home and in school, they help me but I don't want them to resent "having" to help. Mom would let you do everything for her if you will.....it's a balance and I pray alot. I know I won't always have this opportunity. She's almost 80 and in poor health. (I've been caring for her part time and then full time since I was 40. Hugs to you.....make private time for your family when you can! You are doing great!

I am 56….my mother is 92…..my hub and I are both self employed …our youngest moved out 6 years ago and we have 2 toddler grandsons from our oldest who live 800 miles away….though we have kind of jobs that we can take off to visit when we want to, having my mother with us does not give us that chance..

Looloo, I do have an excellent CFP. She advised me to not let my mom move in. She told me to buy her a condo & rent it to her. The only problem is my mom refuses to live anywhere I can afford. She only has social security income & cannot afford to live where she is living.

Before I took over dad's finances they were a real mess. His house was in forclosure. I could not let my dad & his wife be homeless.

Haha, responsible "thing"!!! Geez, Autocorrect!!

Cheribob, do you have a financial person you can talk to? Before you resign yourself to supporting your parents, figure out what's best for YOU. It's not only "ok" to take care of yourself, it's the responsible hatching to do. Don't believe that you've been put here on Earth to pick up after everyone else. It' not true.

I am 56.

My 73 year old mom is demanding to live with me. She made a number of bad financial decisions in her life & now she expects me to bail her out.

My dad is 76 & I am handling his finances because he is fiscally irresponsible & squandered his lump sum pension distribution. Now he is reduced to social security.

I am also resentful. While my divorced parents showered money on my deadbeat brother & sister I got diddly squat. Now when I have been looking forward to retirement I can't.

Checking on the long term insurance policy was a good suggestion. Fortunately, I have a good policy that even pays relatives who care for you at home if that's the option chosen. We had 2 financial planners review it to be sure that we would be covered no matter what the situation. Thank you for that and perhaps your suggestion will help someone from purchasing something that is not what they thought they were paying for. By the way, it is expensive for a good policy and isn't recommended unless you're trying to protect investments that you plan to leave your children and others.