Insensitive husband. Any advice?

All I can say is that your husband might not understand what you are feeling. Or he may not be able to express how he feels.

I have a friend who once said that she watches soap operas to watch men that behave the way she would like them to. LOL 😆

Acknowledge your feelings but don’t get stuck in one place. Move on for everyone’s benefit.

Forget about what your brother does or doesn’t do. Focusing on his life will only make you feel miserable. It’s not going to change his attitude.

Wishing you peace as you continue on with your caregiving journey. Please enjoy your time away. You deserve it!

Hi there - hugs to you for what you are going through. My husband also has some challenges with sharing 'feelings'... we talked about it and decided it helps if I 'tell' him 'exactly' what I need - whether it's a hug or just time to vent. On the whole many men are 'problem solvers' and if they can't 'fix' something they feel like they are not doing their 'job'. This leads to frustration and in turn comes out as unfeeling or upset with us.

My experience is that some men don't know HOW to open up as they may have been raised in an environment that did not TEACH them. I don't agree that we have to divorce them if they don't change... sometimes it takes two to work things out, time and patience.

Last but not least - if you are not getting the emotional support you definitely need, consider a therapist. Someone who is completely unbiased is sometimes the best option. They can help you figure things out and see things in a new way.

Best of luck to you!

dear OP,
❤️🙂

words are action, too.
we all know how hurtful and destructive some words can be. in fact, words ARE a type of action, too.
it's not true words aren't action.
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my guess is, it's not the 1st time your husband reacted in an insensitive way. some people are like that, and it's a habit. and it has NOTHING to do with male/female. some females are VERY insensitive with their words. it has to do with character. some people are careful with what they say; others not. some people are more empathetic, others not. some people are good listeners, others not. again, NOTHING to do with female/male.

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fixers....again, NOTHING to do with female/male.
females are just as wanting-to-fix-things, as males.
it's a sexist idea that males are more solving-orientated, scientific-minded or more gifted for math, engineering, technology, fixing things...NO.
it's just sexist, and repeated over and over by some people. do not believe it.

females are just as efficient as males, at fixing things. what they fix, is sometimes not valued as much, neither financially, nor socially.

regarding your husband, hopefully you can talk it through, let him know the kind of words/comfort you would like.

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different topic:
some people are very good at comforting others, but there's a limit: at some point, they feel they've comforted the person enough, for years, and they don't want to keep doing it again and again.

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i hope you're doing OK, OP.

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by the way, people don't get angry because they don't know how to solve things (like your husband's friend said). that's just trying to justify why someone got angry.

people get angry for a lot of reasons. sometimes, because they're fed up. sometimes because they think it's the best way to get someone else to do what they want. want someone to stop talking to you? get angry at them. want someone not to do X? get angry at them...want someone to stop bringing up a topic? get angry at them....

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hugs, OP.
as you said, you're by a lake right now with your husband, really enjoying it and laughing again. great :) :).
i hope the whole situation gets better.
❤️🙂

Your mother is in a care facility. You aren't doing her care. Why put all the stress, anxiety, and depression caregivers have on yourself? There is no need for this self-inflicted pain.
You are grieving your mother because you love her and don't want her to suffer or die. Everyone understands that and so does your husband. The fact that he goes with you to visit your mother and is a good husband to you counts for a lot more than having the right words to say. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.
My first husband was Eastern-European. Polish. Men from that part of the world are tough. They don't cry or complain or talk about their feelings. Like your husband he didn't always know the right words to say. He didn't have to because I knew they were written on his heart.
I think you know what's in your husband's heart too. He's not being insensitive to you. He's being the only way he knows how to be. Every man can't be Lord Byron. That doesn't mean that they're insensitive and don't care. He's there with you and has your back. That's love.
The tears and talking about feelings that's what your girlfriends are for. Or your sisters and cousins if you have them. Or your therapist.

I’m sorry for your pain in this. I cried many tears of anticipatory grief, both of the sadness of seeing my parent’s decline and the looming loss. And I’ve always despised anyone saying “don’t cry” to another. I’ve often heard it said and cringe, because I wholeheartedly believe that the tears are for a reason and need to flow. They are healing. Many of us have husbands that are fixers, they are internally programmed to fix the issue, and when confronted with something that has no fix, they just aren’t good, they say dumb things. It’s not out of meanness, but lack of having a solution. Cry as you feel the tears coming, seek a grief support group like GriefShare as they may be a big help, and know that others understand. I wish you peace

All your feelings are valid.
You are certainly allowed to feel sad.. and cry too.

Sometimes men (or women, or kids, parents..) just don't know what to do when we cry. Or they want to 'fix it'. So they tell you to stop crying.

Sigh.

How nice if someone just LISTENED eh? And gave you a BIG hug.

Ignore the emotionaly stunted spouse & look for other supports that CAN offer the support you need. (I have had to do this MANY times, I still love him but realise he cannot meet all my needs, especially at sensitive times.

Sometimes the power of gal pals is needed!

(((Hugs))) from me.

HI Tygrilly1 - I'm so very sorry to read your post - and I wish you much support, love and kindness as you move forward with your mom's situation. You sound like a very strong person and you've accomplished a lot in your life - and to hope to hear comforting words from a loved one during an emotional time isn't a lot to ask. Unfortunately, not everyone has the right sensitivity or may have the right words at the right time.

It's impossible to be strong all of the time and everyone needs a soft place to land at times. And, it's also important to allow yourself to cry when you need to, and experience your emotions rather than suppress yourself. I hope your husband will understand - and sometimes certain friends or other family members that you're close to can provide the right support.

Wishing you my very best ~

I was so disgusted with a former male friend. As his girlfriend grieved, instead of hurting for/along with her, he became angry that she couldn’t “shut up about it”. (they split) From my own observations (I’m around a lot of men) it seems like some men perceive emotions as a weakness, unless it’s anger. Reminds me of my kids before they could articulate their feelings. Pain, sadness, hunger, disappointment, etc, all came out as angry crying.

I remember thinking, in the midst of dealing with my mother, my kids, and life in general, “I can’t afford the luxury of emotions!” But we all have them and they came out in other ways, like stress eating, sleep issues, and depression.

My husband is one of the strongest guys I know, because he acknowledges his feelings and deals with them, instead of burying them. We both get overwhelmed and take turns being the strong one.

I am interpreting your post as a cry for help because you’re exhausted from having to suck it up and stand strong for so long. You’d like a break and need to feel someone has your back.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest this may be a marriage counselling issue. If he’s in that toxic mindset of men not having “effeminate” feelings and you are hesitant to ask for emotional support so as to avoid triggering him... perhaps a neutral 3rd party can help you find open, honest middle ground. It takes a lot of trust to be open and true to yourself. And to ask for help when you’ve never been allowed to be vulnerable.

My apologies if I am way off track.

Your dh is in need of some of this tlc and devotion you're showing mom HIMSELF now, from his wife. Which is not asking too much after being subjected to you caring for parents for the entirety of your marriage. My dh stood by my side for 10+ years while I had to orchestrate my parents care and I was very grateful to him for all he put up with. If he had an occasional meltdown, he was entitled to it and it did nothing to warrant my anger. I never expected him to dance in the street 24/7 over all the chaos involved, who would???

Team work works 2 ways. You take but you give as well. A 2 day mini vacation is a tiny thing of dh to ask of you in return for 14 yrs of supporting you caring for sick parents. And his friend is right....there IS no way to fix cancer, old age and death except to accept the inevitable. We can rail against the moon and curse God but still watch the process unfold. Cling together now instead of drifting apart.

How long have you been going through this process? I ask because when I went though a divorce (death of a marriage) I was devastated. More so than losing my parents because they had a long drawn out deaths so it did not come as a surprise and I had already grieved during the process. I did not see the divorce coming so it hit me hard. It consumed my every moment. And my friends got really tired of hearing about it. They had not been through anything like this so could not understand what I was dealing with. They were helpful for awhile, but they just couldn't understand why I wasn't just getting over it already.

Your husband could be angry because he doesn't know how to make this better. He could be angry because he is tired of dealing with this long drawn out process. Take those two days to just get away from it all. May give you some clarity.

I've been married for 47 years.

I have NEVER see my husband cry from 'emotion'. Pain? Yes, sort of, but Acc to him, emotions and 'feelings' are STUPID. Every uncomfortable emotion, to him, gets translated into anger. This is frustrating to me, but I also know it is a very, very common way for people to channel feelings into what they feel is 'appropriate'. Anger is a 'manly' emotion.

Knowing how he was raised--It's amazing he's even functional. I know he does care, he never learned how to show feelings, emotions, etc. Being an engineer (which my daddy also was) his thinking is very structured to 'problem solving'. Most things in life are not 'problems' to be solved but simply the price we're paying for being alive!

I know he's afraid if he shows one crack in the facade, he'll fall to pieces.

For me? If I need to share some 'feelings' with him, I tell him in advance that I need his SUPPORT and LOVE and I am not asking for a solution to anything. I just need to vent. Been a sharp learning curve for him, and I know he'll never really change.

You are obviously very dedicated to your mother, you have established a pattern of control in regards to her. The lines have become blurred.

She is being cared for, I get the feeling he thinks that you are too involved, too consumed with your mother.

Your brother has no obligation to care for your mother, nor do you, 20 years of caregiving is bit much for anyone to handle or accept for that matter.

A 2 day trip is nothing, why not take a long vaca with your husband, show him that he is your priority, not your mother, might make a world of difference to him.

1.
Women are always told to make allowances for men who don't understand how to handle their emotions. We get tired of that. We divorce them for that. They don't want to change, so we'll keep putting up with it. Until we divorce them. More of them need to understand that we can and will do that. Grow up, guys!

2.
Good for you for taking care of your mom. You are clearly a devoted daughter. However, you deserve a vacation. Your husband deserves a vacation. Mom is being taken care of, and you can't do any more for her. She's had a nice long life, and it's nearing a close. What can you do to help yourself accept that? Well, step back, for one thing. Realize that she's not your responsibility now, with hospice and AL taking the lead. You don't have to feel her every pain, monitor her mouthfuls, or forgo relaxation. Her journey is almost over, and that is a very good thing in her situation.

And yours. Good luck, and I hope she has a peaceful passing. I'm very sorry this has happened to her.

Tygrlly, I am so sorry. You are grieving and your tears are part of that process. You are grieving that you can’t make it better for your mom.
I have lost both my parents, my hubby still has his. And I know that I will need to give him space to grieve when that time comes, I can’t protect him from that, even though I’ve been down that road and know how it hurts. Please let hubby know that you have to process this for yourself, and your tears are a part of that. ((Hugs))

@Zippy Zee Wow. thanks for your compassion. Death certifcate of my MIL stated cause of death as infirmities of aging, unknown....for what its worth. I loved her dearly and me and my husband were both so happy she didnt suffer. Totally different circumstances.

Maybe he doesn't understand because of how miserable she made you when she wasn't in the actively dying phase.

Death IS a part of life and if she is on hospice you need to accept she IS dying.

Not seeing the issue here.

He has already experienced the death of a mother so he likely understands more than your giving him credit for.

People don’t die of old age, for what it’s worth.