The Independent living battle. What should I do?


So... I am a little over two challenging weeks into becoming a caregiver for my Narcissistic father and weighing my options.

He currently is living in my trendy city loft with steep stairs and only a sectional on which to sleep which is uncomfortable for us both: I am worried that he will fall down the stairs so I have to constantly watch him to make sure he doesn't go near them (he has attempted to slide down them on his rear end).

I am a very busy attorney that has missed more work than I'd like to since this all happened. I did find an Adult Day Center which he likes, but my line of work requires long hours, and I have been left to care for him after the center closes (although this does satisfy the "loneliness" factor he complains about).

So... my options are as follows:
1) Find a ranch home in the suburbs that we can share...continue to take him to the Adult Center on Weekdays, hire someone to watch him in the evenings and on weekends.

(He's made it VERY clear that this is his option of choice. He even went as far as to offer to pay me what my law firm pays me in the evenings so we can spend more time together....

At minimum, this option could run about $3,000 - $4,000 per month.

2) A WONDERFUL Independent Living facility that we toured today. He would have his own apartment and access to the social activities on the property. He could also get transportation to the Adult Day Center but have essentially 24 hour care when needed there. The V.A. would offer him a discounted rate of $2,000 per month for this.

So... this is a NO BRAINER to me. It's more economical and would give me peace of mind. However, my Dad COMPLETELY hated the place. He said it was too stuffy for him and that if I was going to put him away, I should just kill him now (I'm not exaggerating... he actually said that).

So my dilemma is.... I don't want my Dad to hate me if I essentially FORCE him to go to the facility, but I don't want to continue to hate myself for being so resentful of this situation.

This is hard. He's really MEAN and hurtful, and I'm feeling even more strain on our less-than-stellar relationship. What should I do?

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Thanks for the support everyone. Well... the deal with the 13 children is that he has been so horrible to the remaining of us that are living that no one wants anything to do with him. He has abused each of his seven ex wives (seriously, I personally witnessed the abuse growing up), and things got so bad in the family that I think it contributed to my baby brother's suicide three years ago...

Needless to say, I was "groomed" to care for him. He has been legally blind since I was born and for as long as I remember, it was my job to take care of him, cook for him, clean for him, and make sure I hid the truth about our hideous home life from the church... Oh, did I mention he was a "preacher"????

ANYWAY... We had settled on a IL facility, but he melted down the next day (the usual "I want to go home" speech.

My BF was able to talk him off the ledge and get him convinced to go, but not without a fight. I have put my foot down and practically TOLD him he's going, and I do believe in the long run, this will be the best thing.

Maybe then I will stop feeling so guilty for being sooooo frustrated with the situation. I know we're SUPPOSED to love our parents, and I do... I just don't think caring for him should be my responsibility... especially since I've spent the majority of my life doing so....
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The ranch house would be like putting him in solitary.
The senior community is his best bet, they love the company.
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I want to endorse what Tex said: we can keep our parents safe! That's our first job. Happy is a bonus and comes from within.
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Tinyblu, I've been reading over some of the previous postings you had made. Maybe it is time to call up your 13 other brothers and sisters and tell them you can no longer care for their Dad, it is just not working out.

Your condo isn't elder proof, and your work schedule makes it difficult for you to give your Dad the time and attention that he really needs. So between the 13 of them, someone should have a solution. Could be they are all in agreement that Dad needs to be in a retirement community whether he likes it or not.

Hope everything works out to be a win-win for everyone.
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Let him know that a quick visit to the AL in not a good judge on living there. No one is beating the door down to get into an assisted living. (I worked at one for 10 years) In all those years, not one person told me that they wish they had never moved in. My own grandmother is a good example. She hated hated hated long term care. But when I would go to visit her (3 to 4 times a week) she was holding court in the dining room, getting her nails done, making a haul at the BINGO table or making jewelry. As soon as she would see me, should would scurry over and the poor pitiful me routine would set in again. Your dad will thrive in that environment. He needs to be around people his own age. And so do you for that matter. AL is the way to go. Get going. You can do this.
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Get him to that AL now. He will probably raise h*ll but he doesn't have other options. You can't watch him 24/7 and he sounds like a broken hip waiting to happen. You aren't going to make him happy. What you can do is place him in a safe environment.Get ready for the guilt party because it is coming but I think you already know the answer to your question.AL is the way to go,be sure and check the place out good,do your homework but make it clear to your dad the current situation can't continue.
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