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My husband, who has later stage Alzheimer's, seems to remember his morals and we have big battles over incontinence issues, like trying to make him take his pants down to sit on the toilet, or to change an adult diaper that has a load in it before he sits on it; also does anyone know a good method for cleaning a person after this happens, other than a bath or shower? Everything I try seems to provoke a battle. I am at the point where I think it best to just let him be, and let him sit in the mess, though in the end I will need to cope with the clean-up.

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To act almost like a bidet, buy a Sitz Pan at Walgreens or other drug store for about $15 or so. Lift toilet seat, sitz pan fits on rim of toilet itself. Fill pan with warm water, put toilet seat down, have person sit down, their bottom is in the warm water, and then it is so much easier to clean themselves or have someone assist with it. Then wipe clean and dry.
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Thank you all for your suggestions about my problem with my husband and the clean-up issue. Bless you all for all you do!
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A commode trick I learned fast: Keep it about 1/3 filled with water with about 2 tablespoons of bleach. Stuff sinks into the water, and doesn't smell, and it is diluted when you dump it, cleanup much easier. Also with the commode, I was able to safely wedge a commode right next to my mother-in-laws' lift chair, she had upper body strength though could not stand or walk -- but she loved to raise herself, then pivot holding onto all the nearby stable furniture like her beloved grand piano. If she wasn't in the mood to ride her wheelchair to the bathroom, I used those heavy Walgreens body wipes with aloe. If it was super messy, I pre-cleaned her with disposable rags (moistened with a little oil in the water). Pat dry the skin, do not rub -- with extremely delicate skin any agitation of the skin and you'll just be sandpapering her skin layers off without knowing what happened. She did off and on develop bedsores, which required incredibly careful care. Vasoline helped, the unmedicated kind. But with 100-year-old skin, sometimes nothing would prevent breakdown. Then I had to use surgical bandages as a second skin, and clockwork style keep the areas excruciatingly clean. I wonder what a geriatric nurse would think of the following. I found that a quick dusting of powder (cornstarch not talc) before applying the bandage would speed up healing. Sores were a constant concern, I felt like an artist trying to "grock" how to heal each one (each one was different). We did have a visiting nurse that supplied a few bandages. But purchasing those bandages was about $5 each after her visit. I am sorry I don't remember the name or brand. May I share a story that inspired me to think about the glue-power of powdering? My great grandmother apparently stopped the fatal bleeding of one of her children by climbing under her front porch, grabbing handfuls of spider webs, and applying those to the wound. I would love to hear if powder helped weave things together, that's what it seemed like. I understand cornstarch is gentle, whereas talc is abrasive. Would love to her nurse comment.
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Those Benefiber horse pills are way too big for most people. But it comes in a powder form that you can mix into liquids and soft foods. If you wait just under a minute after mixing it in, you can't see it or taste it. It's wonderful.

It went off the shelves for about a year because of manufacturing problems (some other product made in the same factory got recalled, I think), but it's back now AND available in generic, which is much cheaper.

Note: I found that some of the generics are corn dextrin instead of wheat dextrin. Although the Benefiber label says "gluten free," the product is made from wheat. I think that a product can be labeled "gluten free" and still have an itsy bitsy teeny tiny bit of gluten in it, so people with serious Celiac disease might want to look for an alternate brand that is made from corn, not wheat, just to be sure.
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My mother was like you guys describe. She refused all AmodiumAD and benefiber, although I use it quite successfully. But, the benefiber capsules are huge, so that might be difficult (impossible) for some to swallow. Plus, I take 4 at a time. But at the NH, she is just given the Amodium, with no problem. (Her bowel problem lasted for the last 20 years, and she still wouldn't take anything.)
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I can sympathize. My mom in assisted living (except for monitoring meds) has accidents in church. Last two Sundays she had to leave before service ended to spend 10-15 min. Cleaning up in their restroom. I'm going to get her some pantie liners big enough to deal with a small amount of poop. Also, TODAY I decided to put a 1/2 diareah pill in her morning meds. (couldn't spell it to satisfy my iPad.)
She admitted it happens almost daily. A few years ago she was bellyaching over not being able to go often enough. I pray you find a satisfying solution for your husband and yourself. Good advice on here, but as you know, different solutions for different people and different problems. God bless!
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My 95 yr old FIL had hemorrhoids and took stool softeners so he had 2 bm's a day - each one was an hour long drama on commode chair. He could not make it to the regular toilet. His bm consistency was like toothpaste and what a mess. He used tons of toilet paper and wipes and got it all over himself and the seat. It was really difficult to clean the commode pot because it smeared so badly. (Sorry to be so graphic). In the end..................it remained the worst part about caring for him. I insisted he wash his hands and scrub the nails with a toothbrush but I never felt like I could truly get him clean :(
Note: If he had lived longer, my plans were to get a bidet installed somehow. (Our only bathroom toilet was not accessible due to the size of his wheelchair).
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My moms toilet was next to the shower so put long water line on moveable head. I would run shower til water was comfortable then shut it off, hand it to her, turn it on & she could clean her bottom w shower head sitting on toilet. It worked for her but she was sharp but had loose bowels.
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I had the same problem w my mil she would have a heart attack n try hitting me. She has late stage dementia and hasn't been able to walk since last year and I was put in charge as her primary caregiver (another long story) so I had to use a hoyer lift to put her off and on the toilet and what I did was remove the bucket part on her comode and was able to wipe and clean her from behind without her hitting me she still thru a fit but couldn't see me and I still got the job done also bathed her to had her covered with a large towel and started with her face n worked my way down dried her up lifted her back in bed put her depends on rolled her from side to side to get them on . I had to learn this all by myself cause I had no help so I had to figure out ways to accommodate her.
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All of the above, plus, sometimes there is a mess harder to clean than just normal wiping assistance, where you are going to need to shower. I had to use vigilance in paying attention. Timing is everything. Kind of like cooking something that needs boiling on electric stove where you have to anticipate and turn down the element well in advance of the boil over. Even when she desperately needed it, my mom would not get in the shower if it wasn't warm enough. I had to suspect in advance of her next trip to the bathroom that she was going to require a shower, and get the house temperature turned up in advance. 16 years before my mom had drug induced dementia, my dad had Alzheimer's. Being bigger than either one of us, he became too difficult for my mom and me to handle, because he could fight being cooperative and become violent, which he eventually did. When that became a regular occurrence, we were forced to place him in a locked Alzheimer's facility. But later, I was able to handle my mom most of the time, and the times I couldn't, I just had to wait until she settled down, and then I could. Since you are dealing with your husband, and I infer it is mostly or always by yourself, you have to remember that, as a man, he can be stronger than you even in his dementia and even if he's smaller than you are, so you have to be extra cautious for your own safety.
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The bidet sounds awesome. Where can you buy an adaptor for your toilet and how much did it cost! And hope22, that was so helpful the way you care for your mom. Yes graphic, but that is exactly what we need to know. Love the helpful hints about the Dollar store and the safety scissors. Excellent advice. Thanks to all. I am not at this point but it will be the next stage, I think. Right now I ham having to help him do everything, absolutely everything, except toilet practices.
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That is an excellent idea jeannegibbs...I had not even thought of the robe on backwards....

I have had to deal with this one a lot. My Mom has always been a very very modest and discreet little lady, so I know how much it bothers her even though she has dementia. All I can say is what I do. Mom pretty much lives in her lift chair these days...other than to let me help her get up and place her in her wheelchair or on her rollator when necessary...OR to go to the bathroom..for which I have to bring her chair potty to her....I place the potty in front of the chair at a slight angle so she can reach it but I can get to her feet once she sits down on the potty . Once I raise the chair, she can easily hang onto the hand rails and I help her turn to get onto it. Before she sits down, using safety scissors, I cut the sides of her pull up pants on each side and that way I can pull them off without having to pull them over her legs . While she is on the potty, I bathe her, this is also how I have to wash her hair. I put her pants on while she is sitting and pull them up over her knees and then when she stands facing her chair and holding that, I can easily clean her with the adult cleaning wipes...they have wonderful ones at the Dollar Store that are the larger size and work so much better than the baby wipes...on the larger messes I use toilet paper to get all messy off her then use the cleaning wipes to thoroughly clean her...I am so thankful that after two years, thus far we have had no issues with any skin rashes or sores....I know this is graphic but this has worked really well for us....I am able to help her when most people cannot...and God bless her, we make a pretty good team... :)
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Incontinence isn't really a moral issue. It is more a matter of personal feelings of dignity and privacy.

Could you put a light robe on him backwards when he needs to sit on the toilet. That would give him privacy from the front and might make him feel better about the situation. You and I may think that is silly. You have no doubt seem him naked countless times. But if it gives him comfort, it is worth a try.

I installed a bidet in our toilet, to help with cleaning dear husband's backside.
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