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My friend and I are caretaking my father who has alz. He has recently become MORE angry, verbally abusive, a runaway and wants to have my brother rescue him from our "abuse". Given the circumstances he can't live with my brother full time so we are it. He is so angry it oozes from him. There is no love or caring and it is harder to be a loving caretaker. How do we get past this stage with our dignity and sanity intact? I feel in my heart that it maybe time for a alz. facitilty and none of us our having any quality of live. Any words of wisdom???? Thanks

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WOLF:

Listen to the voice of your conscience. What does it say? Probably "I did for him what I never thought I could because I love him." We need intelligent caregivers that can think rationally when the going gets tough, and right now you're following your heart.

Baby, it's time to place him. For his safety, for your sanity. When he is where he needs to be, you'll have another chance at a normal life and peace of mind. Of course those guilty feelings will pop up every now and then, but no matter what others think the fact is that you did the best you could with what you had.

Take good care my friend, and don't be a stranger.

-- ED
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The fact that you tried to have him in your home means you are a good daughter! Tell yourself that on a regular basis. Tell your brother he's great too then ask him to tell you how great you are. Taking Dad into your home is the most selfless thing you can do so take some time to be a little SELFISH and tell yourself you're terrific. Your father might not realize who you are right now but if you do place him in a care center and visit regularly, you might find the he welcomes your visits. He's a lucky man to have kids who WANT and DO help him.

Your job now is to think of his safety and running away is NOT safe. What if he does it in the middle of winter and forgets where to go? What if he runs into traffic? Moving him means you care about his safety. I hope you can let go of the guilt but, trust me, when dealing with aging parents, there's always something to feel guilty about. Recognizing THAT makes it easier to push aside so you can enjoy life a little. We want so much to provide a good quality of life, to create a loving place for them to live, new clothes, gadgets that make things easier, etc.,etc... we can't do it all, it's just not possible. Just WANTING to try is huge; your father is a lucky man!
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Okay, new update..my father has figured out how to run away and then able to go to my brothers who can't take him on a permenant basis. Twice in one week and I mean really running away as he thinks we are stealing from him. How do we deal with the feelings that we didn't fail, the guilt and the reality of we tried out hardest to make it work? My heart is breaking over losing my father, but feel he's made these bad choices alzehemers or not. FEELING CRUMMY AND DEFEATED AND INADEQUATE AS A DAUGHTER AND PERSON..
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I agree it is time to place him-it is too much for you or anyone for that matter to care for him even if you are willing to give up your life completely how long before you get sick yourself-he needs to be where they have experience with the care he needs.
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Just last week I took my mother-in-law to her doctor for a regular 6months check up. He noticed a substantial memory loss since her last visit. i asked him, is this alzheimer's? He said no, that alzheimers patients start to have bad judgment and become aggressive. He said it's like being a child again that isn't getting his way and lashing out. So yes, your father is indeed impaired with the disease, and is no longer the same man he was. Maybe it IS time to move him to where people are used to dealing with this on a regular basis. It could be time to protect yourself, cause he's not the same dad
and what little relationship you have with him now will be lost one way or the other. Sorry.
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