In the middle of a divorce, and am the only one to help my parents, very concerned as I see them aging. Any advice?

I am 5 years post separation and almost 3 years post divorce. I did not see it coming and was devastated. I also decided that I do not have the capacity to provide any care to my parents. I have made it very clear to both of them that I will not provide care. I need to live my to prepare for my own future.

It is hard, but not impossible to rebuild your life after divorce. Therapy helps, developing new friendships is important too.

I am the only one to provide for me in my future, so I am doing what it takes to develop a new career.

I no longer miss my spouse, but there are things I miss about marriage. I miss the quiet evenings spent together, having someone to go out with, someone with whom to share my day. But I am much better off without my spouse. One day I may look for another partner, but not yet. I am too busy deciding what I want to do for the rest of my life.

First of all, I am sorry that your marriage is coming to an end. The details of why are none of our business so I wouldn’t ever think of prying into your personal life. Nevertheless, you express that you have thoughts of what could have been had if you had someone go through life’s ups and downs with you. I think that’s a totally normal thought.

I can’t speak to the divorce personally because I am married. I can speak to aging parents and being a caregiver. It is frightening and a challenge for anyone in many circumstances.

We don’t have many details to go on in your post and your profile is blank so it’s impossible to address any specific concerns that you may have.

I think the best advice that I could tell you at this point is to grieve your divorce. No one gets married thinking that they will one day be without that person at their side.

Most people get married with the dream of having a lifetime partner. This isn’t a reality for many people and people adjust and some remarry later in their life. So focus on rebuilding your life for you right now. You deserve that.

Concerning your parents I would say that I recently heard an interview where experts in elder care were saying to have ‘the talk’ with your parents about future care before they need care.

I must say that I think having a talk with parents about future care is very wise advice for everyone. I wish I had known or had been advised to do that. Instead I was thrown into caregiving while raising a family and married and it’s hard to juggle everything.

By the way, even those of us with siblings end up doing it all alone or worse, have interference from siblings which can complicate matters horribly. Plus having siblings allow for parents to pit siblings against each other and trust me, we end up wishing that we were only children!

So especially now, since you are already aware of future concerns go ahead and address issues with your parents and select a plan of suitable caregiving for them.

I must caution you about caring for parents in your home. It is extremely difficult and very often too hard to continue to do. It’s the same if you move in with them. It’s hard!

As someone who did caregiving in my home and found it too difficult in my circumstances I would not recommend it in most circumstances. There are alternatives such as assisted living facilities or nursing homes.

Best wishes to you.

I'm very sorry that you are going through the pain of divorce while having to watch your parents' decline. How old are your parents? Do either of them have dementia? Your parents have been adults for quite a while. It has been (and continues to be) their responsibility to be realistic about aging and to plan for it accordingly. As a single only you won't be able to care for one, let alone both. I suggest you start by having small and calm conversations about their care, and that it won't be you providing it, therefore, what do they plan on doing as their care/needs increase? Also, make sure they have their legal ducks in a row (PoA, Healthcare Directive, wills, etc.). If you work full time, do not give up your job to care for your parents, no matter how much they want it. You must go out and restart your life. Your parents can hire an agency to help them or they may find that AL is a good idea. Wishing you peace.