My mom is in her early 80's and my dad his late 80's. We have asked them to go into assisted living, but my step dad is not wanting to spend his money so continues to try and take care of her.
My mom fell the other evening and busted her nose open, so my dad had to call the ambulance.
I am fearful that it is getting too much for him, but if you try and talk about it he gets defensive.
Has anyone dealt with something similar and if not, does anyone know for NY the next steps we can take
Given the added information
If you think mom is not safe, and I suspect that might be the case you could try Guardianship.
There is a possibility that the Judge might deny it if your step father agrees either to in home caregivers OR Assisted Living.
If that happens it is possible that the Judge will also appoint a Guardian ad litem that will monitor the situation to make sure that the court orders are followed.
(By the way this is probably going to cost your step father money anyway as he will be responsible for court costs as well)
Contact an attorney in the county where your mother lives and have a phone consultation first.
Mom: Has dementia and Parkinson's disease. She is now wetting the bed at night and having more frequent falls.
Dad: He's in his late 80's, barely can stand straight up himself. He does not like to do anything that cost money. We have asked him to go to assisted living, but refused due to the cost. In home care, would cost so that is a no too.
I cannot talk to my mom about it at this point as she is not remembering and every phone call we have with her she is on speaker so he can hear.
You do not go into detail about mom's condition(s) or your step-dad's
If you think mom is unsafe at home with him looking after her you can try to obtain Guardianship.
There are other options.
Would he be willing to have caregivers come in and help out?
Have you talked to your mom about the situation? If so what does she say? How does she feel? does she feel safe? (All these questions presume that she is cognizant)
To play devil's advocate here he may get defensive when you talk to him about either Assisted Living or the fact that he needs help might be because the conversation subject is one that assumes that he is failing as a caregiver, is not doing his best to provide a safe place for his wife.
With many older people the fear that they will outlive their money is real. This might be entering into his thought process. It is not that he does not want to spend the money it is he is afraid to spend the money.
You need to get in contact with an Elder Care Attorney in New York and discuss this with them.
Guardianship is not easy, not inexpensive, and it is a lot of paperwork.
I strongly suspect that if you have a good relationship now that will be gone. If you have step siblings or even half siblings they may also not be happy about this.
Mine know that AL is an option.
They have & are assessing whether this will meet their needs now & going forward.
What we've come up with so far is identify their Plan A: They want to stay together at home.
If this means adding more home help, do that. If needs excees past 'home with help' then finding the best fit Plan B. Conside the options..
Things like an independant living unit within a continiuum of care place. But really, that would be the same caregiver stresses. Or one in IL, one in AL (if affordable). Or do both require AL?
What I've found is switching to asking what they really value.
Staying home as long as possible?
Or staying together as long as possible?