Mom has dementia and in-laws are criticizing me. What to do?

You can't force your mom to stop discussing you with your MIL. You can't force your MIL to acknowledge what you do for your mom and you also can't force your MIL from being condescending. It's reasonable to expect that your husband would stand up to his mother if she is criticizing you but you have no control over this either.

The only thing you have control over is how you react (or not react) to these things. Take care of your own business and your mom's finances to the best of your ability and let the rest roll off your back. There's nothing you can do about how others perceive you.

Yes. I would practice this mantra whenever anyone says anything...further, I would confront my i laws and without offending, just say "I really appreciate that you visit mom, and also understand that you don't agree with my decision on her care...however, you dont undersytand all my history with mom and how she can be..I've therefore taken the best steps possible to ensure mom is safe, healthy and cared for by skilled experts. I have made this decision with the best long term interest of mom and my family including being my best for your son".

Mantra: I've made the best decision possible to ensure moms health, safety and welbeing under the circumstances". I don't have the skills, time and emotional strength to care for her like the NH can". "I hope I can count on your support. Please feel free to visit, call, send cards, treats to mom"

First ,good for your husband for standing up to his mother in your defense. Then, I would call MIL's bluff, tell her take your mom home with her and do better, I don't think she will take up your offer.

Thanks, I'll try the mantra, but I can't talk to my in-laws. We have a long history of non-communication between us. I blow up easily and like to have things out in the open, while they move in the shadows and keep grudges, so I don't really feel responsible for the situation. I have been imposed on so many times. The thing is, everyone else is so nice to me about my mom - her banker, her former landlord, her nurses - a smile or a kind word is so important. Everyone who has known my mom for more than a few years tell me the same thing: she has memory issues, she has trouble making decisions. Everyone except them: they are the only people I know who pretend (at least to my face) that nothing is wrong. I can't understand it, and I think that they are doing it to hurt me.

Why is this your in laws business at all? Who are these people who feel they can intrude upon you and your parents and give you absolutely no support? I don't blame you for being angry. I would not confront or even acknowledge these people's opinions unless they are willing to help you and support you. And I agree that it is nice your husband defends you. I am just amazed that his parents have any voice what so ever. Turn them off and close your ears to them.

Why did your husband bother to tell you what they said?

We had a family member launch into another family member because her mother was in AL. This hurt the younger woman terribly, as she was dealing with her own emotions. What we figured out later was the older woman was projecting her own fears about getting older and this being her future too. Bless your husband for defending you and your decisions.

Unfortunately, this kind of behavior can happen in families. You just have to accept they won't give you support, be grateful they aren't confronting you with their comments and just keep doing what you know to be best. They may not be doing this intentionally to hurt you....maybe it's their way to ignore things that make them uncomfortable.

Bee, some people are just like that. You don't have to be! - this isn't a case of if you can't beat them, join them. My mother's family, I am sorry to say, went about discussions in this way. Never rude to anyone's face, my goodness me no, but forever titting and sniping away in the background. I struggle to recall a single spontaneous compliment they ever paid another family member in my hearing. And my goodness can't it get a girl down…!

Time, I think, for you to enjoy a little mischief. Next time his mother tells your husband how wicked and unfilial it is for you to have consigned your mother to gaol (or is it a proper torture-chamber?) just because her housekeeping wasn't up to perfect scratch, he should give a devilish grin, poke her in the chest playfully and say "guess what she's lining up for you!"

Don't go looking for extra worries. Let people who don't make the decisions and don't know the half of it speak their silly minds. It's no skin off your nose, and if airing grievances makes your mother happy too… sigh, well so much the better. I hope you weren't expecting any thanks for doing this terribly difficult job?

Thank you so much for all the support and advice. You all make me feel much better. I lashed out at a co-worker today, she was close to tears (I feel horrible about this). I realize how much the whole situation has been weighing me down - the in-laws are really the cherry on the cake here. Husband is torn between his parents and me, so I can't really discuss them with him.

palmtrees, this is exactly how I feel. My husband thinks that they were voicing their concerns because of their moral standards - I am afraid that I can't quite see it that way.
jeanne, I think he told me because he doesn't like their sneakiness - he also said that he was not telling me everything they said (I think I'll pass on that).

Bee, I feel for you! One of the truest truths ever written came from a little pamphlet I was given long ago, published by the NYC Dept of Health about having a successful marriage. It suggested that often, problems with one's in-laws arise from unresolved issues with one's own parents. Now certainly, your in-laws are behaving badly! No question about that; but if you are so upset by them that you blow up at them, and at your blameless co-worker, I think it's time for you to seek out some therapy to help you deal with this sad situation. In terms of your long term physical health, learning to deal with these stresses is a good investment. I hope you don't take offense; I'm not blaming the victim! Just want you to get all the tools you need for this sad journey. PS, I think that you're a great daughter for getting mom the help she needs.

I agree with Linda, it could be projection of their own fears of where they'll end up. Since in most families it's the women (I know, not all but most) who are the ones making those kinds of decisions, because they're the ones doing the caregiving work, I think your in-laws are trying to lay down a marker with their son that assisted living isn't feasible/desirable for them. I think it's a fear-based criticism.

I love Countrymouse's comeback ("guess what she's lining up for you!"), but I'm afraid it will just play into their existing fears. I'd just be sweet as pie to them and ignore their criticisms and comments. They're in denial and afraid. And super annoying, I know. Don't let them get to you.

Just an update - we were traveling around Christmas so I gave an early Christmas party for my mother and my in-laws. Everyone seemed to have a good time. On Christmas day my sister-in-law (brother's wife) called me because she was trying to reach my mom. We then found out that my in-laws had come and taken my mother out for the day without notifying us (they have since gone on vacation so we have not confronted them yet). My narcissistic mother is naturally enjoying the situation very much, since she is quite aware that my in-laws and I do not get along. As for my in-laws, they do not talk to me but I have heard my MIL tell my mom a couple of weeks ago that nursing homes were awful and that all the people she knew who had gone to one had never made it beyond a few months - "nobody took care of them". My mom has made lots of friends in the nursing home and her physical health is better than a year ago, so at least I know what to think about this.

Goodness, Bee, you must be livid. How idiotic of them. How rude. How inconsiderate. Honestly!

Well. If there's been no harm done to your mother, and she was returned safe and sound, and your in-laws are not physically near enough for you to wring their necks at the moment, you have time to take stock. Just because your mother is happily stirring the pot, you don't have to join in. But if it were me I'd certainly have a word with the nursing home to check out their risk assessments - I can't think what they were doing cheerfully waving her off without first ensuring that the people taking her were AOK. So she enjoyed her day out. Great! Let her. And let them have the trouble and expense of taking her - at least that's one job you didn't have to sort out. But once she gets to the point, and she will, where your MIL's remarks begin to frighten or distress her, or she becomes disoriented and is therefore at increased risk when she returns, you put your foot down. You can only tolerate silliness and irresponsibility while it's not doing any actual harm. I feel for you. Ignorant snipers are a grade A pain.

You say your husband is only home on weekends and that the complaints from his parents were that BOTH of you were not properly looking after your mom. Hmmm...is your husband caring for his parents now? Maybe they are afraid they will be placed into a long care facility down the road, so they are showing their objections now.

Also, if they visit your mom, they only see her best face for a short time. If she has dementia, then they will eventually see just what the progression is like. They will likely not visit as much when that happens. Plus, they don't have the right to visit her. As POA, you could prevent it, though, I'm not sure what purpose it would serve except give them more to complain about.

IMO, your husband should defend HIMSELF and you by explaining to his parents that they don't know what they are talking about and that you do and are doing the right thing. End of discussion. If they kept it up, I think I would put them on the list as people who aren't allowed visits with your mom, because what they are doing is just plain mean. You should be praised to your mom, not belittled. Thinking people would know this.

I agree with the others that they are afraid you will put them in a NH when the time comes....well you could tell them this is the last person you will be the caretaker for, and you know that they wouldn't want you or your husband caring for them so they should make other plans...like long term care insurance. No one complaining on the sidelines understands what it is like to take care of a dementia patient. I'd do my best to ignore them. Blessings to you, Linda

Your inlaws are idiots and you should ignore them as such.

It is your mother. They have no rights. Tell the nursing home firmly that no one takes Mom out without your permission.
How do you know they tell Mom how horrible nursing homes are? Does she tell you? Does it upset her or is she doing it to pit you against the in laws because she enjoys a good brawl? i see no problem with them taking her out as long as it is safe but you retain control in that you first are asked for permission. I would not bother to say anything this time just put the new rules in place and see what happens. If you don't have POA there is nothing you can do and Mom is free to go out when she chooses. Just try and step back and not get sucked into their games but make it very clear to hubby that when they need care they are not going to live under your roof. Relax you have things properly set up for Mom and she is being cared for let the professionals deal with the hoarding etc. You don't have to be at her beck and call every minute

Child of hoarder (COH) here. When my in laws were giving me grief about not seeing my mthr as frequently as they thought I should, I would shrug my shoulders and say, "Its so hard to deal with (undiagnosed in our case) mental illness. Sometimes you can see it, and sometimes you can't." I left it at that, and they would all shut right up and go to another topic. Hoarding is in the classification manual now, so it is an official mental illness.

These In Laws don't want to believe you are right - after all, they have difficulties with you and completely understand how "horrible" (according to your mom) you have been to your mother as well. I don't know that you can do a darn thing with them except - never let them see you sweat! Pretend that nothing bothers you so you are not feeding any of them their need for narcissistic supply. Then go home and beat up your pillow! Let hubby know that they don't need to be encouraged with any complaints on y'all's part.

Many times us COH need therapy to deal with how we were raised, the narcissism of our parents (we marry children of narcissists too), and the lack of boundaries we have. A good starting place is Townsend and Cloud's book, Boundaries, which you can get cheap on Amazon. Cognitive therapy helps you think about why you behave certain ways and lets you think about how you can better handle things before they happen again. I was estranged from mthr for 8 years but took on caring for her when APS called with concerns 2.5 years ago - she never set one foot in my house but went straight to memory care. I never could have done this and survived 20 years ago!

You sound like you are at the caring for mom and not thriving place I would have been. It's so hard. Know that you are not alone.

You have done totally right by your mother. The in-laws look at her and are terrified that this will be their future. Reassure them that you will not put them in a nursing home. You will just take their car away, and let them fall down and die as soon as possible.

Hahaah Pam I love that answer! So nice to have some humor once in awhile! Thanks and blessings to you, Linda

Mantra: "I got this. What I need from you is (make a list...support, money, etc). If you cannot help, then please do not criticize, offer suggestions, opinions or lay any other verbal nonsense on top of me." It's kind of like going out to vote; if you don't vote, you have no right to say anything about what is decided.

Veronica - I only reported what I heard my MIL tell my mom at a family party.
Pam - you made me laugh (which is not easy these days) - there is no way they would not take this seriously. I have never seen anyone make fun of them.
Surprise - thank you so much for your support. You are right - I had never realized that mom was probably a hoarder all her life, because my dad did an excellent job covering up for her.
I talked to the nursing home about the incident. I have also asked around for advice, but was told that there was not much I could do. So my plan is to try and move on - until the next crisis.
Thank you all so much for your support and words of wisdom. You have been incredibly helpful.

Just thought I would rant here. My mother has been moved to another unit of the nursing home - apparently for behaviour issues. The nursing staff told me that it would be best to avoid visits on the day of the move, which happened to be the day that my MIL had planned to visit (I have asked her to give me notice of her visits) so when I got her text (on said morning), I asked her to postpone the visit and gave her the reason. I got no answer to my text. I called the nursing home throughout the day to know how my mother was doing, and they told me that the move had been difficult and that my mother had thrown a big tantrum. When I went to visit her later in the new place she told me that my MIL had spent the afternoon with her during the move. I called my in-laws to confront them about this. My mother-in-law told me that she had not been in the way at all and my father-in-law said that "this must be a big blow to my ego". They are using my mother's dementia as a power game.

If you have POA, look into not letting them see or call mom at all. Also you don't see them either, have no contact with them. They don't seem good for you. Been there done that.

Bee I am afraid it has nothing to do with your mother's dementia, it has everything to do with using your mother as a weapon to hurt you. Don't know what their reasoning is but FILs remark was way out of line. MIL just made the visit so she could have a front row seat at the show. how did your hubby react to his parent's behaviour. It's your mother so you can tell staff who is permitted to see your mother. Give them a list of people who are authorized to visit. Make very sure that when the in laws need any help in the future you will be unavailable.

My husband agrees that they have overstepped boundaries but is torn in his loyalty to them and naturally wants reconciliation. We have always tiptoed around them, so it is difficult to make our voices heard.

Did the nh say that having your in laws there made things worse, or not? Your in laws are idiots, but unless they are actively harming the situation, I'd leave them be and just ignore the idiocy that they are spouting. You can do that, can't you?

Look, you know that you've done the right thing by placing mom. Your in-laws see this through a different lens. As much as it would be lovely for you to have their support, you don't need their approval. Can you just laugh at their comments and say " you simply don't understand how I'll mom is; she puts on a good act for you, and I'm glad you have the pleasure of each other's company"?

Bee, you need to talk to the head nurse or administrator in charge of protocol and outside visitors. I cannot say non-family visitors because your in-laws can claim to be parents of her son-in-law doing their visits to keep your mom company. How can the NH argue against that? So find out where you and the inlaws stand with regards to visitation.

If they are not obviously upsetting your mom, I don't think the NH will stop it. if they notice she becomes aggressive after their visits, they might put a stop. But that means you need to be proactive in calling the NH or visit your mom to know what's up. I'm not crazy about that.

Since FIL is being so rude, just give it back to him... Just simply say, "everyone gets old. It's great that you're visiting my mom so that the NH will become familiar to you...like your second home." Make sure to smile widely while saying this through the phone. People can hear a person smile through the phone.

The NH was wondering what she was doing there, but they are used to dealing with crazy stuff, so they did not ask too many questions. My mom did make a big scene on that day, whereas she had been consistently looking forward to the move. I don't know if my MIL had anything to do with it (I have heard her tell mom in other instances that she was terribly cared for at the NH).
I am afraid that any attempt at humor would be totally lost on my in-laws - basic, honest communication is already a struggle for them. In any case, I warned the medical staff of the situation. Not sure it will do much, but at least I got to unload.