In 2007 I left my job to care for my father. 2012 I moved in with mom to care for her. Now she's 96. Any advice?

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She has dementia though is fine at times. I was never her favorite since a toddler but I could always be counted on even knowing how she never cared. This is partly my promise I made to my father that I will care for her if he was gone. She never has a nice thing to say about me. Luckily she can still walk, go to the bathroom & bath herself. Because of her greed of money she made a reverse mortgage she & my father didn't need. He didn't want her to get it either, they had more than enough. Mom has an 8th grade education, self taught herself things to get a job, which was great BUT Spent a lot of the money on the ones who left her alone at nights to care for my bedridden father at nights, she then was 90 yrs old. Money was her power to get the other greedy one to do as she says. Till today she still wants more, why?? she doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. It's just to give away but not to me to the greedy ones that just took not give. And they are all Adults! I can go on and on! As soon as she says something mean or something they don't like, they leave. I been said things to and have heard her say she never liked "that one" meaning Me. But I'm still here. I work Full Time so my son cares for her during the day, then come home to cook for her & serve her. Those other didn't do that, she cooked for them. She's very picky with food and waste a lot of it and money. Everything we buy to eat has to be what she wants partly because of her bad teeth/dentures. I'm so disgusted, hurt and feel my life is just wasting away at times. She collects S. Security & my father's pension. I asked the person at the Pension office if after she is gone can I collect his pension & the answer was No. In order to keep this House I will need to pay the reverse mortgage. I'm divorced (ex left for the younger after 30 yrs) my family doesn't care or want to be involved (unless they get something out of it). I'll be turning 65 soon, I can't retire as I can't live on what I'll get w/S. Security Any advise?

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Top Answer
Why on earth are you doing this?

Your siblings don't put up with her abuse?  Why do you?
^^^ AMEN^^^^
Are you aware you can never earn her love? Your promise to your father was to take care of mom. Finding her a permanent guardian fulfills that promise.

Contact APS and ask how to have the state take over her care as guardian. Those who are abused by parents should never be directly caregiving to them as the risk for elder abuse is too high (I know, we would never do that in our right mind, but if we are totally stressed out and they push the right buttons... that rule must exist for a good reason!). You must move out ASAP but you need to tell APS that you think she needs their evaluation.

if you can't get an evaluation with APS right away, tell mom that you are moving out and watch out for the tantrum. When she gets really worked up, if she even mentions suicide, call 911 and let them cart her off. When they arrive you want her to still be raging, so just keep talking to her like she's a reasonable person. When they take her off, don't go to the hospital. Don't say you live in that house, because you right now- this moment, not in the future - moved in with your son. When they call you, do not agree to take her from the hospital. Tell them you are not responsible for her and that you have contacted APS about her need for a guardian.

Move in with your son *today*. Your son must work the night shift if he's taking care of her during the day - how exhausting - can you rent a basement room together?

Another disturbing thought: is your son working an income producing job? if not, he can stay with grandma while you get your own place. You shall not allow him to move in with you unless he pays his own way and your lease allows someone that young (40's) to live there.

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