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My husband who was placed I’m memory care because of behavior ( not eating, nit talking and aggressive) seems to be better, He still refuses showers from care givers , isolated in room , and needs to be told to shave or brush teeth,
he often says he hates it here living with people who don’t know what they are doing , but yet he sleeps with his clothes on and his shoes,
Staff , gets him for the 3 meals and keeps him safe, and nurses administer a few medications ,



I go everyday and restock refrigerator , give him shower ( if I can talk him into it which isn’t often) ;
seems like a large expense when perhaps I could take care of him at home ,
my question to the group , is he comfortable there in a controlled , non threatening environment ; that’s why he seems to be thriving or if he came home would he revert to how he was , demanding , inpatient , aggressive .wont listen when asked to do something,



It came on quickly and half the medical field say he doesn’t have dementia , but can’t help me with his strange behavior and he was tested twice by neuro phy testing as positive dementia , but my husband has low esteem so would rather
say I don’t know then be challenged to questions . So I can’t even trust the gold standard ,of testing for dementia
I am so confused , he seems manageable but high anxiety : my son is afraid his mood will changed at home back to aggression .
any thought or any one in similar situations

The fact that he’s doing better means that is where he needs to be . My mother improved as well , but it doesn’t last . The decline will happen .

Many say they don’t belong there, and that they aren’t like the other residents ( that don’t know what they are doing ).

I agree with your son , being back home with you , he would likely become demanding and aggressive again because you are familiar .

He is in a controlled environment with professionals . Dementia patients often respond differently to staff than they do with their own spouse or adult child , that they will challenge more . My mother’s doctor told me it often becomes necessary to place someone with dementia for this very reason . They need to be taken care of by non family , because they think they can be the boss around their own family .
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to waytomisery
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We saw improvement with Mom with dementia. Sometimes it is better nutrition and hydration etc.
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Reply to brandee
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For one thing, your H's saying he doesn't know rather than be challenged by questions is a sign of something. Many people with low self-esteem can and will answer questions. I'm not sure what you think is the gold standard of testing for dementia - would that be the MMSE and its 30 questions? Because I don't know that it's the gold standard of testing for dementia. It is more like a tool that can be used for quick evaluation in a doctor's office, leading to more specific testing. The gold standard for Alzheimer's testing IMO would be an autopsy where tau proteins are found in the brain, but that can only happen after a person is dead.

Your H refuses showers, brushing teeth, and shaving. He is aggressive. He's in a memory care facility because it was recommended, and if he is thriving there it's because it's where he needs to be in order to thrive. He clearly (to me) has dementia. My husband has it too. So did my parents. It's easy to spot even without testing when you've seen it before as I have.

I believe you're grasping at straws and want someone to tell you that H can come home with you. That may be the worst thing you could do for him. Think of HIM, not what you want. I hope you'll stop going to see him so often so he can bond with his caregivers, and then he'll let them handle his personal care. Don't supply his food! They have food. Don't shower him! Let the professionals do it.

What half of the medical field says he doesn't have dementia? Memory care wouldn't take him if he didn't need to be there.

I hope you can come to peace with all this. Part of achieving peace is acceptance.
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Reply to Fawnby
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He is where he needs to be, he will continue to decline and you will not be able to care for him.

The medical field basically knows nothing about dementia, it is all trial and error.

I 100% agree with your son, you are trying to think with your heart, not your head, that will not work.

Leave him be, why do you go everyday? Perhaps if you would back off he would start acclimating himself to his new home.

Might be time to start living your new life, not trying to live vicariously through his.

Sending support your way, keep posting it will help.
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Reply to MeDolly
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Was he tested for other possible causes, that are not related to dementia, like a tumor, thyroid, diabetes, vitamin deficiency, stroke, etc.?

My MIL is in LTC. She went in prior to covid and became extremely ill with it, needing to be on hospice for 4 weeks. After covid her memory and cognition seem better than before. I'm thinking it was the increase in attention in hospice and after covid in the facility (it's a really good facility).

I would not take your husband back home. Keep remembering why he went into a facility in the first place. Can he go to AL instead of MC? Does he take any meds for his anxiety/agitation/aggression? If not, why not?
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Reply to Geaton777
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