My mom has dementia, early stage but I am learning that her mind will never go where I want it to anymore.
The problem is that she was an impatient and not a very warm person in my growing up years. When I was an adult she seemed to undermine everything I did. I was always trying to be "good enough" in her eyes.
Well now she has dementia, she acts the same way towards me (not really a surprise) but I am getting impatient with this. I am "setting my boundaries" as an adult but am realizing that she no longer is able to understand this.
I ask her not to do something, tease the dog for instance. 15 minutes later, with the dog snarling at her, I once again ask her not to tease the dog and explain the danger. An hour later she is teasing the dog. She does not remember any of the previous conversations.
The issue being that she really does not remember previous conversations.
Anyone have ideas?? I feel like such an awful daughter.
Barb
No, you're not an awful daughter...but we end up feeling lousy about ourselves anyway, like we're all supposed to be angels with our halo's glowing 24/7. It would take a saint not to get impatient with alz/dementia patients. It's very hard, the same repetitious crap over and over being so annoying, yet knowing it's part of the disease and they really can't help it... I remember once, early on in her alz, telling my mom that she had already asked me the same damn question 100 times and that she was driving me up the wall...I'll never forget the look of fear on her face. I immediately felt like a louse. I realized in that moment that she had no memory of asking these questions so many times, so from then on, I just answered them, over and over and over again. She still drove me nuts, but I kept it to myself after that point. Getting impatient with her seemed unfair. When I felt really crazy, I'd just go outside, walk away from the house down to the lake, and drop one F bomb after another and cuss like a sailor for 5 minutes. Then I felt better. lol
Care giving is no easy road. I haven't felt like I'm myself in ages. You get to a point, or at least I did, where all you feel is frustration and downright anger almost all the time, and you hate that about yourself, damn yourself for it, tell yourself that you shouldn't feel that way, but can't seem to freaking stop those emotions. :/ It's normal, and doesn't make you a bad person. It's very important to get away from care giving as often as possible, especially if it's something you're doing full time. I can't stress that enough. I know it's easier said than done, but you MUST find a way to get out, get away, and do some of the things that YOU enjoy, that relax and revive you. Something, anything, that brings you peace or it seems like you're always on edge and unhappy. I'd go and sit down by the lake, even for a few minutes. I play online fantasy games and I'd lose myself in that for awhile. I'd get up really early in the morning, like 3-4 a.m, just to have that precious ALONE time, where nobody needed me, called me, or wanted me. God, I needed that alone time like I needed oxygen. Even if I was completely exhausted, I'd wake up at that time anyway, my body and mind's way of telling me that I needed time each day to myself, away from the endless demands of being a care giver. I lived for that time. The way I see it, we all need that time. And I hope you make a point of snatching some for yourself. It will make a huge difference.
I understand the guilt feelings too. I get so mad at my mom sometimes and then I get mad at myself for getting mad at her!!
take care to all
Talk to her about it again and again for a couple of days.
Take her once or twice to an assisted living facility and show her the beautiful apartments and surroundings in there.
This way, if she is impressed, you can set her up in a beautiful apartment within an assisted living facility.
Boundaries
By: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend
It saved me and gave me so many good ideas! It's a paperback and not much money....$12 or so? For Debralee and re: the phone....just remember, you can always 'get another call' and end it. I've found that I can diffuse a lot with my Mom by calling her on my terms and setting the boundary like: "Hey Mom, I wanted to call and check on you, because I've got to leave in 5 minutes for an appointment and didn't want you to call and not get me". I've also had some of her friends tell her that she simply should NOT call me 10-15 times a day, but should make a list of things she thinks I need to know. Now she's 'been trained' and she only calls once or twice generally. Since I am out of town, I always phone her in the evening, to be sure she is home and locked in for the night. Conversations are really irritating and non important, as you say you have....but sometimes, I don't even respond since she doesn't want an opinion....just wants to 'complain'. If she starts in on sounding like she wants ME to fix it, I give it back to to her, "Well Mom, how could you fix that? What could you say? What could you do about it? Is it even fixable?" She doesn't persist too much anymore with how I should do something about it cause she knows I am not going to 'bite' and take it off her hands. Like GayleV....I never did and never DO do it right anyhow. And when I have to do something, whatever I did do, she would have done differently once I do it. I am convinced that some parents want to lay it all on their kids, so that in case it doesn't work, it won't be 'their fault' but someone elses. When I am with my Mom, she wants me to 'make the call for her' because she cannot hear or something. If I don't agree with the need to make a call, I just say, "Well, here, I'll dial the phone for you..." She hates that. She wants me to talk while she stands in the background and says, 'tell them this or that'! Its cause she's hard of hearing and it's difficult to hear with her hearing aids in and she can't hear at all with them out! BUT....we're NOT going to spend any $$ on a new phone!! How much of it all is just a need for attention? A need to know that someone....anyone.....cares about them??? I don't know. But, with some parents' behaviors, they just make people NOT want to pay any good attention anyhow. They create the desire to avoid them totally. The caregiver 'child', however, has to be able to say NO and realize that there is no need to take abuse. I've told my own mother, that I HAVE to take care of myself, and she needs to help because if I am not in the picture, she has NO ONE LEFT! AND....I still have my father's issues, their bills, their money and my husband and my own business to keep up with. We have two daughters, with good husbands and families, who are stable and helpful to me, from out of state....thank goodness. It's a rough walk and there are many a day that I talk to GOD about that verse about HE doesn't give us more than we can handle!! I get busy telling Him that I need a little break; or a little more resources or a little more energy etc....if He is SURE I can keep on doing what I'm doing!
Wordy2shoes, I totally do not understand the concept of how working our @sses off, being used, abused, and disrespected, and repeatedly being pushed into raging anger, and sacrificing our own lives and relationships, for these demented people, can possibly "help us overcome" the negative feeling of being neglected and disrespecting by them in the past. All I get out of it is more negative feelings, that now get spread out to encompass siblings who don't help and abandoned this burden on me.
And about your statement: "Oh and I wasn't really abused; just as a female, my opinion is not near as important or valid as a male's is. Brothers got/get more respect. Partly his generation" Oh my goodness, I shouted " Yes ! Yes! That's my life in a nutshell" when I read that. I think you must have grown up in my house. (Are you Italian by any chance?)
I had four brothers, I was the only girl. I spent my childhood shouting "It's not fair!!!" ..because it wasn't. I was never allowed to do what they could, go where they could. I was never allowed to have an opinion that wasn't put down and told I was wrong. And while I had to clean house, do dishes, cook, vacuum, etc. they were "boys" and that was "woman's work". Somehow, I don't remember the brothers doing much "men's work" (Mom mowed the lawn more often than anyone ). The boys were busy with school activities. I wasn't allowed. I don't remember ever having a conversation with my dad that didn't consist if him telling me to do some work, or that I was wrong or stupid or that what ever it was I was doing was just not good enough. Nothing was ever good enough; no report card, no gift, no cleaning or cooking job, nothing. But I remember hearing how wonderful my brothers were all the time. Now that Dad's needs ..well he needs and needs and needs just about everything, he doesn't ever ask them because "They're busy". whereas I only had a house, a husband and a nightshift job. What could I possibly be doing in the middle of the day that I couldn't run over and sort through his junk mail ...right now !
And that's the tiniest part of it.... Nope, can't see how any of this is going to "help" do anything at all. Except maybe help me into my own grave.
Donna1944: My dad once used that same line on me about "you'll be old some day". I shot back with the answer: "No I won't, because you are killing me
My mother will ask me at least 50 times a day, "has the dog been fed?" Now after answering her 30th question, I am ready to scream. I thought, okay I am typing up big huge notes "The dog has been fed" and taping them to the doors, walls, light fixture, on shocking pink paper. She will still ask me the same question, I will point to the sign and say "Mom I put these up here to remind you that the dog has been fed." She says, "Oh those things are up there all the time, I don't even read them!" After the screaming subsides within my head.... I say "Mom I just put these up after I fed the dog, you have to read the sign." She says, "It's just as easy for you to answer me!" No lie, this is crazy making!!!!
I took my Mom to a Gerontology Case Manager who prescribed a day and night medication for her that has helped with some of the troublesome behavior and is allowing her to sleep at night. It has cut down on the number of times she asks the same question but has not stopped it.
Most of us are living this scenario for this first and hopefully last time, so everything that happens is a new learning experience for us. I have found that I have to bite my tongue ALOT, I do not have to answer every question nor do I have to reply to every comment (my daughter is teaching me this one). When we had children we learned to tune out some of the stuff they said or did and now we have to re-gain that ability to use on our parents. It will help to save your sanity!
Never think that what you are doing is being awful, you are stuck in a very difficult situation and you are handling it the best you can, we all are!
I loose patience with her sometimes and "talk hard" to her. One blessing (for us) is that they forget what we say sometimes in minutes. I still feel guilty because I expect when she gets stronger physically she will remember what she needs to do. Some of her actions are just unbelievable. She can be inconsiderate of what I am going through in my life (husband with cancer) and yet expect me to not be irritated when she pulls her "pity me" act. She says "you'll be old some day", and I say, I'm 69 and like you, don't have the patience I need. I'm already old!
As they say on here, just keep on keeping on. When they are gone we will be glad we tried to be good to them. Doesn't make our daily life easier, but maybe then it will seem to have been worthwhile.
Donna
CJHelper, your comments about Christian caregiving skills are good. Deep down in their being and beyond the dementia, our parents, siblings, spouses are human beings who want recognition, care, attention, and respect. But they often don't fit into our busy schedules! Their lives are at a much different pace!
For those caregivers once disrespected or abused by their family member, my heart goes out to you. Maybe, as someone commented, serving as a caregiver can help us learn to overcome what has hurt us. Forgiveness is powerful because it releases us. It certainly is not easy. But it can be empowering. I am still learning. (oh and I wasn't really abused; just as a female, my opinion is not near as important or valid as a male's is. Brothers got/get more respect. Partly his generation).
And Skeeter, ahh, you are so right too . . . when that works out. But there are situations where that isn't always possible. Also, I think it's important to realize that some people still want to care for their loved ones at home because it's important to the caregiver or the wishes of the loved one. They make the choice, but that doesn't necessarily mean the caregivers are happy with everything that occurs in this difficult role. And sometimes just getting out some frustrations or talking about exasperating situations helps deflate the stress balloon. After all, some caregiving is not dementia related, Some caregiving is with young children born with physical and mental challenges.
Still, attitude plays into so much doesn't it? That's one reason I also like the positive thread someone started. Because we can relate to one another's difficulties in caregiving, we can rejoice in those small (and big)
joys we experience.