I'm trying to make my mum a little bit more independent again but she won't do the most simple of things. Any advice?

Purplerose, has your mother ever had any kind of treatment for mental illness, support from her GP or a therapist, any investigations into her mental health?

Has this been going on literally for decades, then?

She doesn't leave the house. Ever. She won't use a trolley or to make a cup of tea for my dad. He tries to be independent but his legs are week and falls. I just need her to do little things that are not strenuous otherwise if my dad goes before her she will expect me to be there 24/7 and I can't. She sits on the sofa all day and does nothing. I do everything for them but my dad likes to do a few bits like breakfast and the washing. She gave up along time ago and just expects me to run around for her. When I tryed to get her to use the trolley last week she had a tantrum like a child and I asked her if my dad goes before you what are u going to do. Her answer was well I don't know. She needs to do things for herself if I'm not there or my dad isnt

Sorry again, we cross-posted.

If your mother is 79 and has been like this since she started 'the change' - unless her menopause was very unusual indeed you're talking about a history of at least 20 and probably more like 30 years. Unless, maybe, she was on HRT for an extended length of time?

But I still don't understand what it is you feel she ought to be capable of doing that she isn't doing. Could you give us some examples?

If you've tried and you're tired and have had enough, I'd not pursue it. I feel similarly to you. After years of being a caretaker, it's certainly a daunting prospect to take up the responsibilities with another person. I've decided to not pursue it any further with any other people in my family.

REf. your question on your post. I think it's pretty difficult to get people to do something that they don't want to do. Sometimes, they are incapable due to cognitive issues. Sometimes, they are restricted due to physical ailments. And, then sometimes, they are just the way they are and aren't inclined to change. Working around the clock to get people to change is something that I'm not prepared to do anymore. (Oh, I'd keep in mind that some people APPEAR to be capable of doing things, but, they really aren't. They may have lost some of their ability and they are embarrassed to let you know.)

Sorry -

You live with your children and your other half.

Your mother lives with..?

Your father lives with..?

Your older brother has muscular dystrophy and lives with your other brother.

Who is the second person who has muscular dystrophy - your father or your other brother?

Why would your father be complaining about your mother's loss of independence if he is not responsible for her care or dependent on her for his care?

I have no idea what you mean by saying "he brought this on himself." What difficulties is he experiencing, and aren't you being a bit harsh anyway? It sounds as if the family as a whole has a good deal to cope with.

You say your mother has only been "like this" since she entered the menopause. Like what? We have no idea what she is like or what it is that she isn't doing that you feel she should be able to cope with.

I asked where you're located because there are all kinds of resources and support for families, for people with muscular dystrophy, for older people, for caregivers and for women having a difficult menopause. But without knowing roughly where you are, we can't suggest where you might look for help.

Im 49. My mum is 79. Dad is 77. Neither is prim carer to each other. My dad got to soft with her and he tryed to do everything and realised he couldn't. Hence why I gave up everything for them to be their carer. I love in swindon

Sorry. I live with my children and other half. I look after my mum. Dad and older brother (he lives with my other brother. They both have muscular dystrophy. My older brother is quite bad and can't bath himself) mum has only been like like this since she started going through the change

I take it that it is you who is 48 years old, and not your mother. How old is she?

You say you want to make her "a little bit more independent again." In what sort of ways? And when you say again, has anything happened that has made her less able to manage? Was she doing fine but now is finding her normal routine difficult?

Is your father currently your mother's primary carer? - if his health isn't good, that needs to change. Too many carers die before the people they look after, and we don't want to add him to the list.

Where do you live, roughly, by the way?

Sorry, not enough info. Who lives with you now? Who do you care for directly, living with you now? As to Mom, unlikely she will change if this is how she has always been.

You can only try, and often enough "trying" reads as "pushing " to an elder who is already terrified by all the losses, and already confused by any options, and already feeling a dreadful lack of control. That latter makes many elders, whether demented or not, back up against anything suggested. The best thing you can do is to gently try things that involve getting out a bit WITH her. A ride in the country, stop at an ice cream parlor. This gets you out together, whether to plant nursery or wherever. A scrapbooking store to buy supplies for a memory book. A puzzle to put together with both of you doing it. ALL these things will also allow you to "talk" together. You will learn so very much. And she will be more active. Beg for help. Sometimes Moms who are sunk low in dementia will love to help fold things. You know her better than we do. Think out of the box as the kids say today. Wishing you good luck, and when you find something that works lets us know.