Follow
Share

My husband passed 2015 & my daughter, her husband & my two grandchildren moved in with me, which is my house. I was his caregiver for 3 years & I still miss him so much!! A room with a bathroom was made for me. I still eat with them, but, I try to stay in my room most times.


I get very hurt & depressed when we argue & when I’m told they want out & no one cares that I can’t afford the house by myself. I’m not allowed to go anywhere with them, unless I’m asked. Yes, they help with the household bills, but sometimes it’s hard for them. I just don’t know what to do! I don’t want to be alone or far away from my grandchildren.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Your daughter has made a mistake. An honest mistake, but still.

I just want to say this first, though: don't allow yourself to think that she and your grandchildren don't love you as much as ever (I'm not excluding the husband, but in-law feelings are rarely quite the same). It isn't that the love goes away, it's that other stresses and everyday life pile up on top of it and you don't see so much of it.

I also doubt if any of them can really understand the grief and loss you still feel from losing your husband. Something odd happens to our perceptions when we think about generations above us: it's as though we think deep love is all in the past for them, and their mourning is more about nostalgia than the pain of separation. I'm just musing, here - of course I have no idea how much or what your daughter thinks about your private feelings.

But practical matters. There has been a mistake, and this layered family idea, nice as it was on the drawing board, is not working.

Allowing yourself to imagine freely: if you could undo what's been done so far, what sort of set-up would be ideal, do you think? Would you sell your house and downsize to something manageable and convenient within reach of them? Consider a retirement community? Take in lodgers??? As long as it doesn't include reverse mortgages, which as far as I can see are the road to ruin in older age, I think you should do some open-minded research into possibilities and see if anything appeals to you. Then we can work on the right kind of proposal to put to your daughter and her family.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
Patty02893 Dec 31, 2019
Thank you!
(0)
Report
Trying to break this down to see if I have a correct read on this situation.

You are a widow.

You are still grieving for your husband.

Your daughter, son in law and grandchildren moved in with you after your husband died. How long ago?

You cannot afford to live in the house without them contributing to the expenses.

You are spending most you time in your room, except meals with the family.

You expect that you should be invited to go with them when they go out. Where are they going?

You do not want to live alone.

Why is it hard for your daughter's family to contribute towards the household bills?

What you have not said is what are you doing for yourself? Or if you have any ailments or health concerns.

Do you still drive?

Do you belong to a faith community?

Have you had grief support?

What are your hobbies?

How much time do you spend away from the house?

How much time do you spend with your friends?

If you were my Mum, (my Mun was widowed 13 months ago), I would be saying:
Get grief counseling. When my marriage ended unexpectedly after 22 years and 33 years as friends, I had a breakdown. I also have intensive couneling. The old adage that it takes a year to grieve has been revised to 1 year, plus a month for each year of the relationship. So for me it was after 3.5 years before I 'recovered'.

If you cannot afford to stay in your home, look for other options. As you are lonely, even living with 4 other people, perhaps a retirement community with activities you can join. It is not your kids responsibility to help you to afford to stay in the family home. I have clearly told my Mum that I will not provide any form of financial support. She has equity in her house she can use to support herself. If she sold it, she could have an income of almost $30,000 per year until age 100, in additional to her pensions. She does not want to sell, but that does not make it my responsibility to help her afford to stay.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Patty02893 Dec 31, 2019
i was married for 44 years. My husband passed away in 2015 & I’m still grieving
(0)
Report
I sympathize with you. But I think you need to consider that your family needs their space. It is difficult living in the same house. You guys are always together. There is nothing wrong with them going out and doing things without you. I hate to say it but....if you can’t afford the house, then you need to sell it. Have you been to grief counseling? It may be beneficial. The more you stay in your room, the more depressed you will get. You need to get out of the house and stay active. I know it’s hard but you alone are responsible for your happiness.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Patty02893 Dec 31, 2019
Thank you & very true
(0)
Report
Multi-generational living doesn't seem to work on any level, for anyone, for the most part. I grew up in a home where my mother's mother lived with us and it was absolutely horrendous.

You are unable to afford living in your home, so a bad decision was made to have your daughter move in. UNMAKE that decision now. Put an end to the arrangement; you have that ability!

Please consider selling your home and moving into a lovely independent living apartment for yourself. For YOURSELF. Close by your grandchildren, so that you can see them occasionally. You will have so much to do in your new place that you won't be wanting to see them all the time anyway, and that's the truth. I suggest you find a community with a continuum of care so that you can move to Assisted Living IF the need should arise down the road.

Live YOUR life as YOU see fit. Your daughter & her family should have that same opportunity. Salvage the relationship while it's still healthy and not when it's in ruins and too late.

Good luck and my condolences for the loss of your husband.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Patty02893 Dec 31, 2019
Thank you so much
(0)
Report
I would explore other options for you, possibly sell the home and either downsize to a senior apartment or consider AL. Your grandchildren are a temporary fix, they will grow up and leave the nest.

In AL you will be with people your own age, there are activities, day trips and so on, you will not be alone and your family can visit you when they want.

Might be time to think out of the box.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Patty02893 Dec 31, 2019
Thank you
(0)
Report
If I were you...
I would look into Independent and or Assisted Living facility that transitions to Memory Care in case that is ever needed. And I would make sure the facility accepts Medicaid in case that is ever a possibility.
Begin to down size, get rid of furniture you do not need, clothes, extra pots, pans and things like that.
Do what needs to be done to get the house ready for sale.
If your daughter and her husband wish to buy it, great but make sure it is Fair Market Value, and do not hold the mortgage for them . (where they pay you rather than a mortgage company)
Move into your Assisted Living Community where you will be able to go places with a group, they will most likely transport you to the stores weekly if you need/want to go. Become an active member of the community. Your daughter and SIL and grand kids can visit whenever they like, you like.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Patty02893 Dec 31, 2019
Thank you
(0)
Report
Going through this must be difficult. Especially seeing other people live life while you are at home. That's hard.
Like others said, look into a senior community where you can make friends and stay active. Sell the house to pay for it.
Its hard to make a change. But do you want to stay like this or improve quality of life? Please think about it. ((Hug))
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Patty02893 Dec 31, 2019
Thank you & hug to you
(1)
Report
Thanks to all for the advice. I have a lot to think about
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I can understand why you moved in your family but you may have made the decision to quickly. They say don't make major decisions the first year. I think part of the problem is you've allowed you family to take over your house. You should be able to move about as you want.

I agree. Sell your home and use the money for a nice IL apt. You will get ur meals, activities and maybe transportation. You will not be paying taxes, home insurance water bills.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

JoAnn29 Dec 31, 2019
Just saw worried already mentioned this, sorry.
(0)
Report
See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter