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He lives at home with me - we are in our mid seventies. I would say he is in the later half of mid-stage (but that is just a guess). I never know how to respond. I don’t want to brush folks off because I believe they care, but I could go on forever describing what he does or the things he isn’t able to do. We have good days and challenging days. Anyone have responses that have worked for them?

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I once heard that saying "I'm fine" is code for really meaning "I'm insecure, neurotic and emotional."

True friends really want to know how my husband is doing and I will share that he's declining and that we're adapting together. When acquaintances ask, I tend to say we're "hanging in there as best we can."
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Reply to pamela78702
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My response would be: "He's loved and well cared for, and I'm sure he would be happy if you stopped in to say hello. He loves cookies, you know."
Try not to laugh as they stammer, desperately searching for a reply. Bet next time they ask about you.
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Reply to Lolly56
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I wish I had an answer. For me it is my mom. I know they are showing they care but I struggle with an answer. She is as good today as she ever will be. Her physical health is good, her brain is not ok. I just answer with whatever I think of at the moment but it always leaves me wondering what I should say. Many of them have met her and I know the question is genuine but there is not a "good" answer. I rather like the "not great, send casseroles" that Alvadeer suggested. I do try to tell a recent story of hers because my mom has some very entertaining things going on over there.
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Reply to Lovemom1941
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"We have good days and challenging days."

Just like this. Anyone that has cared for someone with a Dementia will fully understand. Those who have not ever taken care of anyone with Dementia don't need to know all the details.
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Daughterof1930 Aug 5, 2025
Exactly what I was thinking "We have good days and challenging days." Says it all
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My cousin always responds, "Fine. Coming along".
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Reply to Tiredniece23
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I came up with a standard reply about my mom years ago. When anyone asks about her I say "she's still alive!" that usually shut down a follow up question and if that fails I say "she's 92 and she has her good days and bad days just like we all do".
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Reply to Jhalldenton
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I'd probably say, I'M OK, thanks for asking. Then get a strange look as they shrug their shoulders and ponder about my response.
If they persist, "Sadly, you know he's never going to be any better,can we just leave it at that?"
You don't have to hide your feelings, I'm sure if you want to cry just let it come out and hopefully someone will be there to give you the hug you deserve!
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Reply to JuliaH
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He's doing fair. People don't REALLY want the gory details of how any of us are doing, and that's what I've found to be true.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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You just say that he's doing the very best he can under the circumstances.
You keep it short and sweet. If these "friends" want to see for themselves how he really is doing tell them they can come over and stay with him for a few hours so you can get a break and get some things done without him.
And actually that would probably stop them from asking as they would know first hand how he's doing.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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OH YEAH!
Because the answer to this question works as well as the answer I often give to those who ask after my health post-mastectomy.

They say "How ARE you" with a big uplift.
Or they say sadly and softly "Ohhhhh. How are YOU doing".

I always wait a second, tilt my head, and say "I think the correct response to that question is 'fine'."

The truth here is that no one knows what to say, or whether to say anything. I think it is the question most often asked by near-strangers, or acquaintances.
If it is someone you know well you can feel free to just laugh and say "God! How much TIME do you have". Meaning, do you really want to know.
You could come up with a BOOK of responses if you wished to. And I would BUY it.
You could say, for instance: "He's great but I'm reeling; bring casseroles". Then see if they do. My grandson was telling daughter he would "send Grandma flowers". When I got hold of THAT I texted him "Forget the flowers, send Milk Duds and Red Hots or Hot Tamale candies. Wait for a sale. Send a big box."
They aren't here yet.

I really don't have an answer other than "It's us." Some days are tough and there's not much any of them can do about that for us, you know?
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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