He lives at home with me - we are in our mid seventies. I would say he is in the later half of mid-stage (but that is just a guess). I never know how to respond. I don’t want to brush folks off because I believe they care, but I could go on forever describing what he does or the things he isn’t able to do. We have good days and challenging days. Anyone have responses that have worked for them?
True friends really want to know how my husband is doing and I will share that he's declining and that we're adapting together. When acquaintances ask, I tend to say we're "hanging in there as best we can."
Try not to laugh as they stammer, desperately searching for a reply. Bet next time they ask about you.
Just like this. Anyone that has cared for someone with a Dementia will fully understand. Those who have not ever taken care of anyone with Dementia don't need to know all the details.
If they persist, "Sadly, you know he's never going to be any better,can we just leave it at that?"
You don't have to hide your feelings, I'm sure if you want to cry just let it come out and hopefully someone will be there to give you the hug you deserve!
You keep it short and sweet. If these "friends" want to see for themselves how he really is doing tell them they can come over and stay with him for a few hours so you can get a break and get some things done without him.
And actually that would probably stop them from asking as they would know first hand how he's doing.
Because the answer to this question works as well as the answer I often give to those who ask after my health post-mastectomy.
They say "How ARE you" with a big uplift.
Or they say sadly and softly "Ohhhhh. How are YOU doing".
I always wait a second, tilt my head, and say "I think the correct response to that question is 'fine'."
The truth here is that no one knows what to say, or whether to say anything. I think it is the question most often asked by near-strangers, or acquaintances.
If it is someone you know well you can feel free to just laugh and say "God! How much TIME do you have". Meaning, do you really want to know.
You could come up with a BOOK of responses if you wished to. And I would BUY it.
You could say, for instance: "He's great but I'm reeling; bring casseroles". Then see if they do. My grandson was telling daughter he would "send Grandma flowers". When I got hold of THAT I texted him "Forget the flowers, send Milk Duds and Red Hots or Hot Tamale candies. Wait for a sale. Send a big box."
They aren't here yet.
I really don't have an answer other than "It's us." Some days are tough and there's not much any of them can do about that for us, you know?