I'm struggling with sadness at my mam's despair and fear.

Is the staff reporting to you that mom is unhappy and scared when you're not there?

Our parents are always happy to see us. But it shouldn't be the only times she's happy. And you should not quit your job. How will you fare in your retirement if you do that?

Is your mom on any antidepressants? Have you told her doctor about her emotional upset?

Kath - I just want to say I'm so sorry for what you and your Mom are going through. Sadly, you are only one person - you can't be in two places at one time. It's wonderful that your Mom perks up when you're there. You are a blessing to her at this stage of her life. But you can only do what you can do. Don't blame yourself for her unhappiness when you're away. You have to protect your future while supporting her as much as you reasonably can.

I understand your anxiety about your Mum. My mother is in assisted living and just spent 10 days in a psych Hosp because of severe depression and anxiety. They changed her meds and she is doing much better. She had lost 15lbs. She is eating again and regaining interest in activities. See if she is on meds for depression. Maybe they need to be adjusted.

I know this is difficult but whatever you do, do not give up your job. It's like putting your oxygen mask on before helping others.

Kath, I am so sorry for your situation. I agree with another poster, ask the staff how she is doing when you’re not there. Are there any good days, hours, minutes? Of course our loved ones love it when we visit - the familiar face, the mental stimulation, the little gifts, and miss those when we leave, but you have to stay healthy, mentally and physically, so these visits can continue.
There is a lot going on here. I assume that you have a close relationship with your mother, but her dementia was bad enough to require her admittance to a facility that specializes in caring for dementia patients. If that is true, your quitting your job to take care of her would not improve her dementia, and from what I understand, it only gets worse. Also, since you need your income to live, that is an impossibility. But I understand the feeling, and the desire to do something to alleviate the unhappiness of your mother, even if your solution doesn’t make sense! There is a feeling of relief at the thought “if I could just bring her home, everything would be all right!”, but it is a fantasy. But, I’ve been there many times in the fantasy.
My mother has finally adjusted to the nursing home, some days are good and others not so much, but that was true even when she lived at home. My father has recently joined her as her roommate. When my brother told her that my father would be arriving the next day, she flipped him the bird, and told one CNA she was getting a divorce. They both seem to be settling down all right now.
Be an advocate for your mother. Realize that you didn’t cause her dementia and the situation she is in, and you can’t fix it, but your visits can bring some joy. In between visits, pray for her. Pray with her before you leave, and pray for her throughout the day as you think of her - for her safety, and comfort, and peace. My prayers are with you Kath, and for your mother.

Thanks everyone for your advice and kind words.I have never asked the staff if she has good days when im not there but sometimes when I ring they say she is in a lovely mood and eating.I will ask though.Treeartist thank u for your lovely message.yes im very close to my mam and I have felt that fantasy a lot but deep down I know I cant magically make her Dementia free or give her everything she needs.thanks for your prayers and thanks for giving me some strength to carry on.dont know what I would do without u lovely people on here.