Follow
Share

I’m doing this on my own, my partner works abroad as a pilot. I’ve no kids. But I’m struggling. I have a full time career as a secondary school teacher. I just feel this is affecting my life. I didn’t think it would be this hard. But I feel like I can’t get away. I really find the intimate care needs really difficult. My mother just believes a daughter needs to do this because she did it for her mother. I can only get away when I go upstairs to my room at night. My brothers are of not much help. One lives in South Africa and one lives a few minutes away but he just brings her food at the weekend that is it.
My health is getting worse. I’m getting more over weight I’m only 41 and my mother is 75 but she can hardly walk,needs help to be showered, dressed sometimes. She has a commode I find all that difficult esp when she goes to the toilet in my sitting room but if I say anything I’m offending her...

Your mother has two more decades of life left.
Why is your mother's health condition so bad at this age? What illnesses is she dealing with?
It doesn't matter WHAT your mother believes (sorry) about your "obligations". What matters is your human limitations to fulfill her expectations.
It is time to tell your Mother that she must move into care. She won't be happy. Why SHOULD she be happy about it. She will mourn and rage, as that is her way. and it is worth mourning. You will also feel bad about it.
Not everything can be fixed. That's why people turn to the Serenity Prayer: This atheist loves it: "God give me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE TO CHANGE the things I can change, and the WISDOM to know the difference."
It is time to accept with serenity that you have a right to your own life, your own job, your own family and your own world.
Only you can make this choice for yourself; it cannot be made without pain, but you are already in a great deal of pain, and your mother, to be frank, isn't happy either.
I am 78. My daughter is 58. It would KILL ME to think she would give up her life to me; it is a dreadful thing to require that of our child. You will, going forward, make your decision. Sacrifice your own life to your mother with neither of you happy, or do what must be done, and save your life.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

The stress you're under will take you to your knees, I can almost promise you that.

As a CG who DID begin to have some serious health issues b/c I was doing too much and not really having the physical ability to do it all---I crashed and burned several times. Now I have a chronic heart condition brought on by--STRESS!

My sisters who are fully capable of helping, never do. My YB takes most of mom's needs on himself--but he is also feeling the affects of stress. His health is terrible and I would not be surprised to see him die before mother does.

My DH is dealing with his over the top Narc mother--actually, she recently told him to go to H3ll and not ever come back, and he is doing just that. And he feels so much better. I stopped being involved with her years ago and now am completely distant from her.

You are full time a mom, a wife, a teacher and a caregiver. You cannot give 100% of yourself to five different areas of your life. It's not sustainable.

Time for a family pow-wow and stick up for yourself.

Can't speak to the eldercare in Ireland---but please take care of yourself. At 41..you are still a KID! Your mom could live 15 more years, easily.

If you don't put yourself first, absolutely no one else will. Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Midkid58
Report

First off, caregiving is hard, anyway you slice it. It's not for everyone, and while you certainly had good intentions when you agreed to have mom move in with you, you are now seeing that it really is much harder than you anticipated. And that's ok. Most people do come to that realization after the fact, but it's not to late to make some much needed changes.

Now that may mean finding a nice assisted living facility for mom to move to, or it may mean that mom will have to pay for other caregivers to come in to help her with her bathing, cooking etc. Or like CTTN55 mentioned, she needs to be splitting her time with you and her local son 50/50. No where is it written that the daughter HAS to take care of her aging parents. NO WHERE!!!

So cut yourself some slack, and remember the most important part of anyone who has taken on the role of caregiver, and that is you first have to take care of yourself. If you don't, you can't possibly be any good to the one you are caring for. You must make yourself a priority! Take a walk outside, go shopping and treat yourself to something special, sit outside on your porch or patio and drink a glass of wine with some friends, or just go to your room and read a good book. You will be amazed how just doing one or two special things for yourself per week, can really change and turn around your whole attitude. You are way too young to not be going out and having some fun! Remember---where there is a will, there is a way. Best wishes.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report

You’re one of many who’ve found caregiving far harder than anticipated. It’s okay to admit that you’re in over your head and it’s too much. Please don’t waste time on guilt, it’s for people who’ve done something wrong, and you’ve been doing your best. Time to talk with both brothers and let them know you cannot continue in this role. Don’t back down, tell them your health is being affected and a new plan for mother’s care must be found
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

" My mother just believes a daughter needs to do this because she did it for her mother. I can only get away when I go upstairs to my room at night . My brothers are of not much help ."

Ugh. NO. NO. NO. Boys don't get exempted. You say that your health is getting worse. You are gaining weight from the stress, right?

I don't know the situation is in Ireland as to who pays for elder facilities. ?

Can you tell us more? What are your mother's finances? Can she pay for a facility?

You cannot let her guilt you over this. You need to have her in a facility. She should be living with your local brother for the amount of time she has lived with you while it gets figured out. And the one in South Africa can pay for help. And this is until it's figured out what facility your mother goes to.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to CTTN55
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter