I'm still caught in the middle. Any suggestions?


SO, this is the second time that calls from the ALF have caused me more anxiety than I should have to deal with. I have repeatedly asked them NOT to call me unless it is an extreme emergency when it comes to Dad. I already have to ignore at least 6 calls every morning from Dad, but get worried when I see a call from the ALF first thing in the morning. C'mon. The man is 87 years old with advanced stage COPD. An early morning call from the ALF makes me panic a little (Did dad die in his sleep ). Then, it's like pulling teeth to get someone on the phone to find out WHAT's going on. I don't want to go through the emotional roller coaster for a "Your Dad's tank isn't working". Tuesday it was "Your Dad's tank isn't working, so he can't go to the Adult Day Center". I didn't have time to manage it, so I called Hospice and never heard back. I caught up with Dad's hospice nurse yesterday and followed up on the Oxygen situation, and no one seemed to know WHAT happened Tuesday. I assumed Dad stayed at the ALF, but the hospice nurse said he saw Dad when he returned from the ALF, so I have no idea if he went or not. I just let it go. I just spent the last 25 minutes chasing down the ALF staff only to discover that Dad has already gone to the Adult Day Center. So, my hands are shaking. I can't think, and I am WEEKS behind on a project at work because this crap ruins my concentration. It's hard to design a curriculum when you're constantly on the phone or keep getting interrupted, Is there anyone here that has SUCCESSFULLY managed a full time job and caregiving? I'm nowhere near retirement age, and if I had to quit or go part time the resentment would be catastrophic. ...going to grab a cup of coffee and try to regroup. Goodness!!!

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When my mom, who was NOT a narcissist would call from Independent Living we would tell her, "let the staff know, mom". Or, "I'll take care of that this weekend".

Once she was in NH, they only called if she had pneumonia or they wanted permission to send her to the hospital for some other issue.

I think that your dad is in the wrong level of care if you are having to be so involved in the day to day operations. Or just the wrong facility.
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All I can offer is that when my LO was in regular AL, I was frantic due to phone calls every single day. I had to go to facility everyday, leave my job, cancel my own appointments, etc. Sometimes I had to got to the facility TWICE in one day! Plus, it was located a 30 minute drive from my home and office. And, I almost had a breakdown. My physical health really suffered and my LO was stressed too. I mean she had dementia and her caretakers were not equipped to care for her needs. That's why we were both going through such an ordeal. Then,

Doctor prescribed MC for her. I transferred her to MC and she immediately seemed more relaxed and content. I stayed away for a week, per their recommendation. She was so much better. In almost 4 years, I have never gotten any phone call from them, except when she was being taken to ER or doctor, to inform me of their parties/celebrations, etc. They are equipped to handle her needs and its shows. She gets excellent care and I am so relieved. They take her care seriously and do not rely on me to do their job.
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Tiny, you are so full of assumptions.

My demented WWII uncle was happiest in the "crummy" VA facility an hour and a half from family. They got his meds right. He had other old vets to talk to and sing with.

Why you? Because you are volunteering to be tortured.

Sorry if that seems really hurtful. But you are going on assumptions, based on how YOU would feel.
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Awww Tiny. Have you been to a VA home? Take a tour. Talk to the Nurses and staff. So much would be taken off your shoulders.
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Exactly BarbBrooklyn.

You might think the VA facility is crummy but your dad may not? Ask some of the other residents visitors.
Just a thought
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Tiny, the answer is not to give a Rat's @$$ about what "the family" think. If They think they can do it better, let them.

What place have you put dad on a list for?

It's not a matter of "we" affording anythng. It's what DAD can afford.
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The armed forces veterans home here in Gulfport Mississippi was a casualty of Hurricane Katrina in 2005. It was completely rebuilt by 2011 and has had residents since then. I would be thrilled to live there personally! It’s as nice as the finest condominium on the beach, which by the way, the three high rise buildings are RIGHT ON A SUGAR WHITE SANDY BEACH that’s ultimately thirty miles long. It’s state of the art medically as well as in any other way! Heated swimming pools, gyms, social groups, etc.

The staff who work there love it! My husband works in tandem with the VA home and his contact there said the biggest problem they have with the residents is getting them to leave the campus area because they have everything anyone could want right there! But there is an elevated walkway/crosswalk the residents can easily maneuver that drops them on the gorgeous beach! Numerous shuttles, it’s got it all. Including a waiting list, so immediately if not sooner, apply and get on the list!!!

It might not be what you need but I think people should be made aware of it.
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This is an ongoing thing right? Hospice in in controll here. If problems with oxygen not working they should be involved because it's their provider. Tell them to contact Hospice concerning health issues.The AL has, by law, have to call you if Dad has a fall. But I see no problem asking them not to call you after a certain time and before a certain time. Explain ur Dad is in an AL because you need to work. Calling about things out of your controll has to stop. I put a white board on mom's fridge for the aides to make notes if they needed something for Moms care. Tell them you want no calls from Dad. He can talk to you when ur there. I know he enjoys daycare but its getting too much. Seems the AL is not willing to work with you when it comes to getting him ready for DC. And then u get calls from DC that should be calling the AL. That is his residence. You have to sit with the administrator and Nurse and tell them this is how it's going to be. The calls have to stop and the correct people get them. His healthcare is between the AL nurse and Hospice. Hopefully with hospice in there the cost of his care has fallen off since hospice can supply aides and is responsible for meds. I am pretty sure your just venting here but something has to give and Daycare may have to stop.
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Tiny, you said "How I failed at something this simple is beyond me... "


What part of the Dad Project is simple? Other than that it's simply insoluble, I mean.

Was it DynoTape? - that stuff we used to print out laboriously, letter by letter, onto sticky-backed plastic strips and then realise you'd accidentally called yourself Kane Knoes instead of Jane Jones, all over your pencil case...

Anyway. Nowadays they're much better and I believe you can revise them before printing. Get one of those, print a label that says "for service and assistance, call 0XX0 xxx xxxx" and stick it on the oxygen doings. That might save you at least a phone call or two that you don't need to be taking.

And do that for any other of the repetitive tasks that *other people* are being *paid* *by you* to *deal with.*
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I have looked into MC and that's about $1,000 more a month. We just can't afford that. I can't bring myself to place Dad in the Veteran's NH. It's AWFUL, and I think it would cause Dad to decline because I would be uprooting him from everything he's gotten used to. It's also an hour and a half from where I live/work, so I would essentially have to abandon him or move closer to him because I just can't bear it.

Unfortunately, no one else cares and I was the one who got stuck with him. I hate it, but I can't be cruel. This causes codependent hell.

The ALF is increasing their rent again, and I can't afford that. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I wish it would all just stop.

(in the whiniest voice ever...) WHY ME?!?!?!
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