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My mother thinks I should uproot my life and move to her town. I work for a school district and her response was they have schools here. I also have 2 big dogs that I don’t want near her in fear of an accident (they don’t know how big they are). It doesn’t make financial sense for me to do this with the housing market like it is in our area. I feel like a horrible daughter but I don’t want to move. I’ve been on my own for two years since losing my spouse and am already stressed and depressed. Please help me navigate a response to her. Thank you.

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Wonder if Mom had to move by now..?
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I am a caregiver. It is very hard. I have a few questions for you to ask yourself. (1) has your Mom been there for you with love and support throughout most of your life? (2) if you were in your Mom’s position, what would YOU want? (3) are you willing to care for your Mom if she could relocate and live closer to you? (4) is caring for your Mom physically and financially feasible and are you willing to make that sacrifice for her?
I agree that you should NOT uproot your life and move, however your Mom, who is not working, can move to where you are,
We only get one chance to live this life and what we do with it does matter. Some choices are harder then others. When it came to my parents and caring for them and fighting for them, I did so at a great cost, but I felt in my heart I had no other choice. I did it because it was in my heart to do so. I felt it was the right thing and the compassionate thing to do. I too am alone and a woman. However, I found the strength and I found the courage and I found a way.
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This post is from Dec 2021. I can't find where the OP ever responded to questions asked.
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Speak plainly to your mother and tell her you are not willing to relocate to her area. Then discuss options like the following.

1) A live-in companion/caregiver moving into her home so she can remain there.

2)Moving to assisted living where she is if she wants to remain in that area.

3) Move to your area to be closer to you. In an assisted living facility. Not in with you.

Tell her these are her choices and if she refuses them all, she's on her own. Arrange for the cops to do a wellness check on her once a week.

A person on this forum (I can't remember the name, more's the pity) made a terrific statement that a person's children aren't their old age insurance policies. No truer words have ever been said.

Speak to your mother. If she's not on board with any options that do not include you moving into her home and becoming a slave, then she's on her own.
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Place her, with the help of a Social Worker, near your home so you can visit her and offer support and kindness without being forced to become her caretaker.
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Let her know that you don't plan to uproot yourself. She can choose to move closer or you can help her find the resources that she will need for the future. You are not a bad daughter just because you don't want to give up what you have. Your love will show as you help her prepare for her aging where she chooses to live.
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I'm sorry I don't understand your question - what do you mean I'm soon to be the only one left, that implies there is someone else currently - what is the position regarding them?
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Time to focus on yourself and your fur babies. There are plenty of options for Mom. You ruining your own life should not be one of them.
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Bigdogs: Whatever assistance that your mother needs at this juncture, YOU will not be the one providing hands on care. She will have to locate an AL when the time comes.
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So, you cannot take care of anyone else without taking care of yourself. That said, you need to look at what resources are available in the area where your mom lives. There is an area agency on aging in every state ( a federal program( that can give guidance to find helping agencies for your mother. She needs you to help give info, but not physical help. I am a social worker who works with elders in MA. Every state has these resources. Just be sure to seek them out.
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Bigdogs: "Please help me navigate a response to her. "

I have a few suggestions on what to say to your mom. Hope one of them works for you.

"Mom, only minor children live with parents. I'm too old to be living with my mommy again. I have to have my own castle and be the queen of it."

"Mom, moving and uprooting my life is out of the question. No, I won't discuss it. Period."

"Yes, mom, I love you, but that doesn't mean I love LIVING with you (or anyone for that matter). I prefer being on my own."

"I know a few people whose adult children move back to live with them. The children are now living like rebellious teenagers. The parents have to cook for them and pick up after them. You don't want me to move back and do that to you, do you mom?"

"Sorry mom, I like living on my own. I don't want to live under anyone's roof or rules."

"Seriously mom, you think you like me living with you now, but trust me, you won't like me and my many bad habits."

"Mom, I like to be in control. Once I move in, you are going to hate me for trying to control your life."
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May God shower Blessings in abundance your way. Your efforts can only be appreciated by those with similar struggles, and do not give up what is yours, as you clearly state. Hard to imagine the arduous trips it takes your fine person to render assistance to your mother. Lucky for her, tough for you. Take excellent care and Happy Holidays (if at all possible considering your schedule), surely you must know that one good turn deserves another.
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DO NOT uproot your life right now. Mom can accept the help you are willing to provide, when you can provide it, OR she can hire helpers with HER $$. Never should you pay for any care out of your funds. You haven’t even had time to grieve your loss And NO
one, mom or not, needs to tell you what to do! Take care of yourself first …then you can be at a place where you can take care of her, doesn’t have to be hands on……bless you!!
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Just don't do it. She is 90. what if you uproot your life and make a move you don't want to make and she passes in a year. Then what do you do...move again? Just tell her no. You have been through a lot already with the loss of a spouse and moving / job change is one of the most stressful things you can do. Visit her when you can and if her wish is to live near you during what time she has left, suggest that she move closer to you.
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Try this --

"Hey Mom, you're right -- they have schools where you are. We also have old people here, so how about you move closer to me instead?"

Sometimes coming right back at them on equal terms wakes people up. ;-)
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My god - you would be insane if you uprooted YOUR life to take care of someone age 90. She lived her life and now you are doing the same. Yes, she is old, has problems, has concerns, etc. but it is also selfish of her to even think of asking this of you. Whatever you do, DO NOT EVEN THINK OF GIVING UP AND MOVING. You will lose the life you deserve and have built and need to grow and keep. Get caretakers or place her. At this point, YOU COME FIRST......NO IF'S, AND'S OR BUT'S. You are not horrible - you are concerned and care but do NOT destroy YOUR life because of this woman - nor endanger your beloved animals who will be loyal to YOU to the end.
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Riley2166 Dec 2021
And be prepared that she will do all she can to control you - DO NOT FALL FOR THIS - YOU MUST BE TOUGH. YOU set the rules and boundaries, not her. God have mercy on you if you bring her into your home. Find another solution but do NOT do this. Your life as you knew it will be gone and some day you will see the good in this stand.
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My mom 85 with dementia wanted me to move in with her in Arkansas and I live 12 hours away in Georgia. It is going to be enough of a life changer either way, but I moved Mom in with me. You cannot let guilt rule. You have to do what is best for you in the long run. Mom will just have to understand or not. I have had my mom for 3 months and it is still very hard just trying to deal with the whole dementia thing let alone all the other changes that will occur. Mom needs to understand, that it is time for her to move with you or if she is healthy enough, an assisted living space. Best wishes to you, I know what you are going through.
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You are not ever going to be the only one left to assist your mom. Get rid of that idea now or it will torment you.

It sounds like your mom is still on her toes, so what kind of assistance does she realistically need? Housekeeper? Meals? Rides? Advocate? Can you come back and let us know?

Assisting an aging parent should NEVER mean having to completely forsake your own life, so please ignore the ignorance being spewed about doing just that. You deserve to do what is best for you while helping her with what she needs.

Remember that your helping doesn't mean that you are the one scrubbing the toilet or preparing the meals, it can mean getting services in place to ensure it's getting done. There is always more then one solution to a problem, clarify the true needs and move forward with them, not moms guilt tripping and wants.
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bundleofjoy Dec 2021
"Assisting an aging parent should NEVER mean having to completely forsake your own life, so please ignore the ignorance being spewed about doing just that. You deserve to do what is best for you while helping her with what she needs."

totally agree.
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Really there are 2 options.
1. She hire caregivers to come to her house and do what needs to be done for her.
(If she is on Hospice she would have a Nurse weekly, a CNA at least 2 times a week and the ability to ask for a Volunteer that could do some things for her.)
2. She move to an Assisted Living facility close to you (or at the very least a Senior apartment that is close)
She really could not move in with you unless you have an in-law suite she could use. With 2 large dogs that do not know they are large and her with osteoporosis it would be dangerous for her to live "with" you. (this does not even get into the fact that, if you read so many of the posts and comments, moving a parent in can be an ingredient for disaster.)
You need your space, you are still in a vulnerable, grieving space.
AND...You also probably come in contact with many people during your job and with her being immune compromised it is probably not a good idea that she live with you. (at least this is another reason that you can give her)
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Do not change your life. This is going to sound harsh, but she is on the end of life path and she will only decline. If you move there, you will eventually have to begin your life again once she has died.
There is no easy way other than to say, "I understand you want me closer, but my home is here, not there. We can look for a place close to me or I can help you find people to help you. I love you, and you raised me to be happy and I am happy where I am, but if you lived close to me, we can see each other more."
Don't give logical reasons, give emotional reasons.
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If your mother wants you to care or help out with her care, she should move to your location. My mother lived 3 hours away when she needed to move from a senior living apartment to a NH. She wasn't happy about it, but as I had my business it was necessary. And the reality may be, as it was with my mother, is that your Mom has lost most of her life long friends. But in pure practical terms, she should move to your town for so many reasons.
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Do NOT move to her. If your mother needs assistance with daily living, present options in her and your communities.

My mother has dementia but has always been demanding of my time and attention. While stating that neither she, nor anyone else, should be expected to provide daily care of an elder, my husband’s young death was her “Golden Girls” dream come true. Until I ruined it by remarrying and having children. We were neighbours... I managed her affairs, cleaned, shopped, cooked... but it was never enough and she became very bitter and combative that I would not leave my family and move into her house.

Because you’d like help navigating a response, I suspect you’re dealing with someone who does not take no for an answer. Please be careful not to provide ammunition. You are not a horrible daughter. Your dogs are not the excuse. Your life is where you are and you do not wish to move. YOUR circumstances do not warrant a move.

I have daughters. They’re just teens but I cannot imagine asking them to give up their lives to serve me. Perhaps one day my own dementia will lead me to make selfish demands. I have advised them not to cave as I won’t be speaking from my right mind.

My mother’s increasing demands snuck up on me. Now that she is in a care facility I am better able to see things as they were and how unreasonable she had become. Incidentally, now she is happy with my weekly visits. In fact she says she’s thrilled that I visit that often. (trying to recall how often we visited my grandparents - same distance - maybe every 4-8 weeks) I was on the verge of a breakdown when she moved into the facility. I hated to have to chose between keeping her safe and making her happy. But making her happy would have entirely consumed me.

Your mother will not like whether you refuse to move for financial, canine or personal preference reasons. And what YOU want is perfectly legitimate. You are just as entitled to keep the life you’ve made for yourself as anyone else. “I’m happy to help you move there or here to address your concerns, but I will not be relocating. Let’s list your wants and needs to see how we can make things better for you.”
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Smile1 Dec 2021
Absolutely! Follow the experience!
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Can she move closer to you? That's what my mom did. She actually moved in with us, when she got Alzheimer's. She and my dad, who had COPD, moved to our state 2 years before he died, ( they both lived in an apartment). She was diagnosed with cancer a few years later, and then Alzheimer's a few years after that. It made it much easier for Hubby and me to handle caregiving responsibilities locally. Before they moved, I was flying down to help them in their neighboring state, when needed. I even wrote a book about taking care of my mom when she had Alzheimer's called, "My Mother has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (I thought of the title when I was driving home from work 1 day, and I realized that this "broad's" once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog.) If having your mom move closer would make it easier for you, but if she's reluctant, maybe you could tell her about the nice activities for seniors in your area, often sponsored by a local county, so there's no cost invovled.
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Don't move. You have a job and life where you are. Look for other solutions. How independent is Mom? Could a companion be hired to visit , perhaps every other day? Can you visit twice a month? Call on a regular basis?
I can't really provide specific suggestions, since I am not sure of the specifics.
But my recommendation is NOT to move. Best wishes.
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Never rely on others, siblings or relatives to provide care for a loved one, it will only cause stress and disappointment. Your mother has made it to 90 and sounds like she's in fairly good condition. However, odds are that won't last for an extended time. Your mother nurtured and guided until you were prepared enough to care for yourself. A parent with which you have a healthy relationship should not have to plead or lay guilt for assistance from their child at her stage of life. You're obviously, understandably in pain from the loss of your spouse. Consider the reasons for your reluctance. Could you possibly be resisting the relocation in an effort to hold on to the memories of a life you've lost? You can enlist a real estate rep to rent your home. Inquire about positions in that school district and make a trip to view housing options if you prefer to not live with your mom. The dogs are under your control, should not be allowed to jump on anyone and could injure you as well. Check it all out before you shut the door on your mother's request, then be honest with her. Any move is challenging, but you may find the transition a new start, liberating from two years of grieving. When, after careful consideration of the pros and cons of your mother's request, you should have an answer you can live with without guilt. Regret, though a useless emotion, is harder to live with.
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bundleofjoy Dec 2021
dear southernsun,

hug! :)

you wrote:
"Could you possibly be resisting the relocation in an effort to hold on to the memories of a life you've lost?"

i don't think that's the case at all for OP.

i think simply, just as many people on the website warn:
be careful of moving in with your elderly parent/s (no matter how sweet they are).

without realizing it (starting with helping maybe only 2 hours/day, it'll increase to hours and hours; millions of things) --- often, destroying your life.

it's not just the TIME.
it's the TOTAL STRESS (stress from dealing with emergency after emergency after emergency).

you're in a constant state of worry.
you'll sleep badly.
you'll probably take less and less care of your own health, because you have so much compassion for your parent/s and you end up giving all the LOVE to them, and almost none to yourself.

-----
there are always exceptions.
sometimes, it works out great, living with and helping your parent/s.

----
simply, people with experience on this website, are warning:
be careful about moving in permanently, and helping.

another thing is to visit, help, and go back to your own home.
we all need stress-free days/weeks.

if you live there permanently, there will be no break.

but as said, there are exceptions. sometimes it works out.
and sometimes, the adult child is truly happy they decided to live with their elderly parents and helped.
----

my opinion:
it's almost ALWAYS the DAUGHTER (not son) who is asked to sacrifice their life.

please don't sacrifice your life.
not another daughter sacrificed. let's stop this sexism. let's stop destroying women's lives.

it matters what you do with your life:
not just kindness towards others, but kindness towards yourself --- your dreams/your goals.

WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD, you weren't thinking, "when i grow up, i really want to help my parents all the time. that's all i want to do. i don't want to dance, learn to sing, become a photographer, start my own business, get married, have friends, etc. i only want to be a caregiver for my parents. yipee!"

you had dreams/goals.
go for it.

your loving parents should want you to go for it!

please keep looking for solutions.
some way, to help one's elderly parent/s AND oneself.

bundle of joy :)
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If your mother wants your help, she needs to move near you and preferably to an independent living facility. I recommend you investigate facilities in your area,, pick the three best and then spend a day bringing her to tour them. Tell her you want her close to you, but she must come to you. You must not uproot your life. Lay down your ground rules. Tell her you agree you are a horrible daughter, but this is what you are willing to do. Period. And don't try to justify your position to her. Find a statement such as "this is the best solution I can offer" and keep repeating the same idea in different ways in response to her objections.
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we had the same thing for a bit….12 hr drive or a 3 hr expensive plane ride. The only thing is MIL had her daughter where she lived. Daughter was “done” taking care of MIL. We would go down 2 times a month to help out. MIL would ask us to move down there. Our response we can not…we have a life at home(whatever that maybe—-work, family, etc). We eventually moved her to us…..is that an option? Move your mom closer to you in a facility?
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Do not move. It’s clear you do not want to move and you are entitled to your own life and happiness. Look for other solutions if your mother needs help but do not uproot yourself. You will come to resent being there and resent her. Don’t be guilt tripped you are not a horrible daughter. Tell her you will do everything you can to ensure any needs she has are met but you will not be moving. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I speak with hindsight.
good luck
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I think you shouldn't abandon your mom. Move back in with her. Don't worry about your siblings. Just thank God you have siblings at all. Many people don't have any siblings and have to go through life alone.

Your mom doesn't have much time like you do.
All that will happen if she moves on is that you will always regret not helping her in the end.

You can always relocate back to where you are but you can never bring your mom back. Think about that. You can't replace your mom!

Do your psyche a favor. Don't put yourself in perpetual regret that you can't come out of for the rest of your life. That can turn into the torture of its own.

Work with your mom for the best solution that is good for her. If she insists, figure out a way to comply with her demands and move in with her.

No job is more valuable to you than your own mom. You can always replace a job and it's easy to lose any job. Jobs come and go. Covid has shown that. Anything can come up to take jobs away. Your mom is a constant that never leaves your side. Be there for her till the end.

I don't know about you, am a female from Africa where we cherish our parents and never give up on them. Even when their body falls apart, their wisdom is priceless especially when they are still cognitively able to communicate.

Good luck to you.
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bundleofjoy Dec 2021
hugs titiby :).

you wrote:
"I think you shouldn't abandon your mom."
"Don't put yourself in perpetual regret that you can't come out of for the rest of your life."

---
i agree. we shouldn't abandon our elderly parents.
and it's awful to live with regret/guilt.

simultaneously, many people are in very tricky situations.
...some mothers are extremely mean/often torturing their daughters. they are not "a constant that never leaves your side".
...sometimes living with your elderly parents results in many, many problems (you go over-board, helping with so many demands, your own life goes down the drain) (total stress/exhaustion; your life gets destroyed).
...even living with very sweet elderly parents can destroy your life, in the sense that there are so many problems to help with.

no loving parent wants their adult's life to go down the drain.
you weren't born to be sacrificed.

hence...it becomes a question of balance.

how do i make sure i can still have a life, and help my elderly parents?

----
it's not easy.
the more money LOs have, the more options there are (for example, hiring in-home, professional/trustworthy/competent/caring caregivers).

----
my own personal opinion, is, try to avoid facilities as much as possible.
it is very rare that a LO is happy in a facility.
it does happen. it's just rare.

if they are happy, they are often in very expensive facilities.

the quality of facilities varies a lot, from place to place.
LOs with little money, have little choice where they end up (which facility).

i understand, sometimes, there simply is no choice:
LO must go to a facility, and sometimes it's even the BEST option for the LO.

----
keep in mind also, that normally the person who is asked to sacrifice their life and go live with their parent is the DAUGHTER.

meanwhile, the brothers (and other sisters) get rich, working, have a full life, enjoy themselves.

the daughter often ends up homeless, penniless, totally stressed-out, unmarried, no children, life down the drain, hopes/dreams wrecked.

-----
about being grateful to have siblings...
some siblings are great.
some siblings are actually awful people and create huge trouble.

-----
we really have difficult situations, many of us.

i wish us well --- us, and our LOs.
i wish us to find good solutions.

i do believe that even in situations that look so hopeless, there are solutions. keep searching for a good solution.

hugs!!!
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Oh no this is so sad...just remember you are never alone when others for the asking will help out. Form a Daughters to the rescue group where once a week they can take turns visiting, reading and praying with a 90 year old. Many do not live to become that age. Some may even agree to run light errands. Hang in there and rely on others to help you and Mother!
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