I’m soon to be the only one left to assist my mother (90). I live 3-4 hours away and that includes a ferry. Any thoughts?

DO NOT uproot your life right now. Mom can accept the help you are willing to provide, when you can provide it, OR she can hire helpers with HER $$. Never should you pay for any care out of your funds. You haven’t even had time to grieve your loss And NO
one, mom or not, needs to tell you what to do! Take care of yourself first …then you can be at a place where you can take care of her, doesn’t have to be hands on……bless you!!

May God shower Blessings in abundance your way. Your efforts can only be appreciated by those with similar struggles, and do not give up what is yours, as you clearly state. Hard to imagine the arduous trips it takes your fine person to render assistance to your mother. Lucky for her, tough for you. Take excellent care and Happy Holidays (if at all possible considering your schedule), surely you must know that one good turn deserves another.

Bigdogs: "Please help me navigate a response to her. "

I have a few suggestions on what to say to your mom. Hope one of them works for you.

"Mom, only minor children live with parents. I'm too old to be living with my mommy again. I have to have my own castle and be the queen of it."

"Mom, moving and uprooting my life is out of the question. No, I won't discuss it. Period."

"Yes, mom, I love you, but that doesn't mean I love LIVING with you (or anyone for that matter). I prefer being on my own."

"I know a few people whose adult children move back to live with them. The children are now living like rebellious teenagers. The parents have to cook for them and pick up after them. You don't want me to move back and do that to you, do you mom?"

"Sorry mom, I like living on my own. I don't want to live under anyone's roof or rules."

"Seriously mom, you think you like me living with you now, but trust me, you won't like me and my many bad habits."

"Mom, I like to be in control. Once I move in, you are going to hate me for trying to control your life."

So, you cannot take care of anyone else without taking care of yourself. That said, you need to look at what resources are available in the area where your mom lives. There is an area agency on aging in every state ( a federal program( that can give guidance to find helping agencies for your mother. She needs you to help give info, but not physical help. I am a social worker who works with elders in MA. Every state has these resources. Just be sure to seek them out.

Bigdogs: Whatever assistance that your mother needs at this juncture, YOU will not be the one providing hands on care. She will have to locate an AL when the time comes.

Time to focus on yourself and your fur babies. There are plenty of options for Mom. You ruining your own life should not be one of them.

I'm sorry I don't understand your question - what do you mean I'm soon to be the only one left, that implies there is someone else currently - what is the position regarding them?

Let her know that you don't plan to uproot yourself. She can choose to move closer or you can help her find the resources that she will need for the future. You are not a bad daughter just because you don't want to give up what you have. Your love will show as you help her prepare for her aging where she chooses to live.

Place her, with the help of a Social Worker, near your home so you can visit her and offer support and kindness without being forced to become her caretaker.

Speak plainly to your mother and tell her you are not willing to relocate to her area. Then discuss options like the following.

1) A live-in companion/caregiver moving into her home so she can remain there.

2)Moving to assisted living where she is if she wants to remain in that area.

3) Move to your area to be closer to you. In an assisted living facility. Not in with you.

Tell her these are her choices and if she refuses them all, she's on her own. Arrange for the cops to do a wellness check on her once a week.

A person on this forum (I can't remember the name, more's the pity) made a terrific statement that a person's children aren't their old age insurance policies. No truer words have ever been said.

Speak to your mother. If she's not on board with any options that do not include you moving into her home and becoming a slave, then she's on her own.

This post is from Dec 2021. I can't find where the OP ever responded to questions asked.

I am a caregiver. It is very hard. I have a few questions for you to ask yourself. (1) has your Mom been there for you with love and support throughout most of your life? (2) if you were in your Mom’s position, what would YOU want? (3) are you willing to care for your Mom if she could relocate and live closer to you? (4) is caring for your Mom physically and financially feasible and are you willing to make that sacrifice for her?
I agree that you should NOT uproot your life and move, however your Mom, who is not working, can move to where you are,
We only get one chance to live this life and what we do with it does matter. Some choices are harder then others. When it came to my parents and caring for them and fighting for them, I did so at a great cost, but I felt in my heart I had no other choice. I did it because it was in my heart to do so. I felt it was the right thing and the compassionate thing to do. I too am alone and a woman. However, I found the strength and I found the courage and I found a way.

Wonder if Mom had to move by now..?