I brought my mother to live with me 5 years ago. It’s been nonstop. She is incapable of doing anything. I’m suffocating and I feel like I just want to run away with no forwarding address . I do not see any avenues. I have no help from my family. They all deserted me and left me with this. It’s been 24/7, 5 years. She now goes to a daycare 3 days and I want to add on 2 making it 5 days. Just the fact that she is here in my home and under our nose everyday makes me sick. I wish I never did this and don’t feel the least bit bad about saying it. I gave up my job to do this. I get no money and my husband is paying for everything. I actually now really cannot stand her. I can’t handle her voice and everything about her.
Pretty sure that was a major typo.
OK, only you can change this dynamic. Start with a complete physical/mental checkup for mom, for a baseline idea of where she is. Get a Dr's reccomendation as to 'placement' and the level of care she requires.
Begin the process of finding alternate living arrangements. Look for whatever level of care (NH, IL, ALF) she can afford. Get an advocate at the facility you choose and move her ASAP. (Realizing this can take months...but it can happen!)
As much as you deserve to have peace and a life, your mother also deserves those things. The fact she can and will leave the house for sr daycare is good sign. She will likely be mad at you for moving her, so prepare for that. But make sure that she has a way to GET to daycare, don't yank everything out from under her at once. In fact, I would fathom that the daycare has MANY ties to various NHs. That would be a good source of knowing which ones are good and which are not good.
You can try to get sibs involved, it would be nice if they stepped up, but don't plan on it. If one of them balks at your plan to move mom, tell them THEY can take her into their homes.
Is your husband paying for MOM'S stuff, along with the family's? That's really wrong. Your mom should have adequate funds for her needs. YOU shouldn't be doing anything, financially.
You are certainly not alone in this. Come back and see what others have to say. I have not personally had to place any relative in care, so I don't know, firsthand. I just see what others have gone through.
It's truly best if the 'patient' chooses to go, but that seems to be a pretty rare situation.
If you CAN add two additional adult day care days, it certainly sounds as though you should.