I’m not sure I’m in the right place.

One cannot forget previous treatment - you can forgive it and see her as a different person now, for your own sanity, but you cannot forget. If nothing suits her then pass the responsibility for determining what does to your husband - she is his mother - get him to write a list of what suits her and get her to sign it and then if something on the list doesn't suit tell her it is what she agreed to and any changes have to be negotiated with her son. Too often in-laws move in or we start to care for them but their child doesn't get fully involved. Get your husband to see the difficulties and work on your "side" and she will either comply or he can see how difficult she is being and put her in a suitable home.

You are not a horrible person.  I would not have been able to do what you are doing.  I would have said no.  My husband would not have assumed it was my responsibility to take care of his mother or father and I certainly wouldn't have volunteered.  

It is hard to maintain caregiving when the relationship was good prior to the decline.  To start out with a history of "not so great", it makes it all the harder to care for the person. 

Since you are already in the situation, I guess my advice is to try your best to forgive her and take care of her.  If it becomes unbearable, you may have to have a heart to heart with your husband.  Explain your struggle and that you did your best, but other arrangements will need to be made.

Tdk123: You are not a horrible person at all. You are a human being and you may not be able to perform the caregiving long term.

No, you are not horrible for thinking about how you were treated in the past. If we hadn't divorced long before the need for care, I'm sure I would have been "volunteered" to take care of my former MIL. I learned very early (definitely some sense before, but very clear after the birth of my daughter, her first grandchild) that I was really a non-entity, merely the vessel that brought forth the grandchildren!

Would I have resented being "volunteered" to provide all the care, feeding, entertainment and potentially verbal abuse? You betcha! It isn't so much as being resentful because of past treatment, but rather there's no real relationship between us. It's more like providing free care to a stranger in many ways.

Your profile says she's 81 with mobility and vision issues. Is she not capable of getting meals for herself? These days 81 isn't really that old. My mother lived alone until her early 90's when dementia stepped in. She cared for her own place, herself, meals, etc. Dementia presented issues with that, but until then, she did just fine by herself.

I am also one who tends to stay up late, sleep in a bit later, find something to eat when the body requires something. I don't really do "meals", so that would have been an issue for me. Sometimes I drag my feet when grocery shopping is needed, so I have to get "creative" with whatever I can dig up that's here.

What kind of breakfast or lunch is needed? Can she not get hot or cold cereal herself? Prepare a sandwich and/or soup for lunch? If not, just put all the necessities for these where she can access them and let her fend for herself. Unless her mobility issues prevent her from doing this, then let her do it. Entertainment? What does one actually do to "entertain" an 81 year old? No previous hobbies? Get her some books or magazines, newspaper (unless her vision problems are so bad she can't read.) Some suggested adult day care, but many of our "adults" reject that (my mother tried that with my father, but he hated it, since many there were really not all there - a lot depends on what's available in your area, how good they are at "entertaining" and what the other clients are like.)

If her mobility and vision are that bad, then it might be a good idea to chat with your husband about hiring someone who can prepare those meals and keep her company. You should not have to stay tied to the home and kow-tow to her every whim. Evening meal presumably is shared with your husband, so no big deal to make/provide enough for a 3rd person.

Something we've suggested to others in your situation is to request he take a week or two off and provide the care and entertainment for his mother while you take a mini-vacation, even if it's just a local hotel. Sometimes until another has to walk those miles in our shoes, they don't get how difficult it can be. This IS his mother, after all. HE should be participating, not just expecting you to give up any semblance of life.

Remember that you are doing this for your spouse and not for her.

if you can only tolerate short spans of caregiving due to the nature of your relationship, insist on hiring help to cover some of the hours. Your MIL will appreciate you more if you aren’t there all the time anyway.

No, your aren't horrible and you have a right to your feelings. Did you have any say in your MIL moving in with you. If not, shame on hubby.

Can MIL do anything for herself, such as get her own breakfast and lunch if the items are available?

Have heart to heart with hubby about how you feel. If mom is staying with you, home aides need to come in and relieve you from time to time and take some some of the load off you and let you have some semblance of your old life.

Another option is to have mom placed in the appropriate Sr Living community. In a senior community she will be with others in her age group that she can associate with. There are usually activities she can participate in.

Home aides or senior living would be paid for by mom.

I wish you luck and hope an agreeable solution can be found.

There’s no way I’ll be a caregiver for my MIL. I don’t hate her at all, it’s always been more of a distant, polite relationship. She’s never really been involved with me or our children, her grandchildren. To be a caregiver, such trying, emotional work, it has to be someone I feel very close to, and she’s not it. It’s nearly impossible to do this caregiving job without the closeness in a family situation. You’re definitely not a horrible person and you don’t need to put your life aside for MIL. Talk to your husband, say this isn’t working and a new plan for her care is required

Unrepentant sin is unforgiven sin. If she has abused you in the past try to talk it out. If she refuses to get off her high horse than have it formal relationship instead of a personal one. It is her choice.

l suspect you weren't really consulted about her moving in in the first place. She's in your home, and now your home isn't really yours, anymore. You need to talk with your husband clearly, and, maybe, a therapist as well, looking for other solutions. I also suspect the lion's share of chores fall to you. Find or carve out a quiet space where no one can interrupt you and make that yours. Then, write down all the chores you are doing that you would not have to do otherwise. Shopping or cooking for three? Making the kind of meals that are not your favorites? Whatever it is, rethink your obligation to it. Does she provide her share of the financial costs? Any time you have to spend taking care of her needs is time that should be rewarded. Reclaiming your home is not easy, but it is going to be necessary. Even very old women these days can get to be very older. This could be a ten or twenty or even thirty year situation. You need to get a handle now.

Yes, it is natural to feel used if you were not whole hearted into the lifestyle changes you made. You probably feel like you have "lost" pieces of yourself.

Evaluate with your spouse -and any other family that lives with you - about what parts of family lifestyle need to be "recaptured" and which are OK to let go.

Also, make sure that every person in the home is having his/her needs met - not just MIL.

Lastly, make sure that you - and rest of family - come up with ways to handle your MIL's problem behavior. I like the books by Townsend and Cloud about "boundaries" to guide the boundary-setting plans.

You took on a burden of caring for someone with physical and mental problems and you find out the terrible effects it is having on you and your life. That does not mean you are horrible - you made a mistake in taking her in. People like this are extremely difficult to deal with and can cause havoc and hell for the caretakers. Once they are there, nothing works and YOU feel guilty and you are not - they are the problems. YOU immediately set down boundaries and rules which she must abide by - or else. If nothing works, then you must place her to save yourself. Do not tolerate this behavior from anyone ever - no matter why.

Set Boundries and stick to them.

HAve a talk with her znd let her know how you feel, what she can expect and any other choices she may have and see if ya'll can work things out.

When we moved in with mom, I found I was quickly becoming co-dependent and trying to save her from herself because self care was absent. My mom was becoming a dependent. Getting all of the care from us and resisting us, pouting, and not complying with what the doctor said to do. So my husband wrote up an agreement. That agreement stated what we would do and what she needed to do. 1. We schedule her appointments and get her scripts filled and she takes the medications and goes to the appointment and does what the doctor says. 2. Eat balanced meals. We will shop and provide 2 sit down meals morning and evening and she will have a minimum of ensure at lunch or sandwich/soup. 3 We will have her favorite teas/beverages for her and she will drink 32 oz minimum each day. 4. We will assist her with laundry and cleaning of the home. She will shower 1 time a week minimum and change her clothes 1 time a week minimum. 5. We will do our part and she will do her part. NOTE: The alternative is to call the county and have them evaluate her for living by herself. Since the doctor said she could not live alone and she has had asked for help we have been willing to step in. In order for us to continue to help in this way, we need to have responsibilities and then evaluate how it is going. It is important that all of us are content, since we are a family unit. My husband presented it and we all agreed. We gave her a copy and she read it a lot because her short term memory is really short! Eventually, 8 months later, we needed to take a trip and mom said “leave me here”. I went to seniorly.com and searched the free search in our zip code and found a place that was perfect for mom and she could afford it. Prayfully we presented it to mom and she agreed to try it since we would have to call social services/APS for their input. She could not afford 24 hour care while we were gone. She looked at the first one and fell in love with it. It was a 1 bedroom apartment, no roommate and she place was clean, bright and smelled good. They had a special for a 3 month stay and 1 month was free. She has been there 11 months and loves her privacy and her independence. It took her about 6 weeks to call it her apartment consistently. She has never asked to leave. I guess living with us was hard on her too!

OP you do realize that she has to adapt to your schedule, not the other way around?

It is not your responsibility to wait on her.

It is not your responsibility to be her entertainment director.

If you don't eat breakfast until later, then it is her responsibility to feed herself if she is hungry earlier. A programmable coffee maker may help. Have yoghurt in the fridge, bread or bagels near the toaster, some fresh fruit and she should be good to go. If she wants a hot breakfast, she can wait until the weekend and your husband can make it for her.

For lunches, options include, her waiting until you make your lunch, setting aside left overs for her to reheat when she wants to eat, her warming up some soup in the microwave etc. You are not a short order cook.

My former grandmother in law, used to insist that dinner be on the table at 6 pm on the dot. Nobody ever said no to her until I came along. She was perfectly capable of helping with the cooking, but expected to be treated like a queen. I had her first great grandchild and was preparing dinner when he needed feeding. As he was breastfed, I was the only one who could feed him. Needless to say dinner was not ready for 6 pm. When she had a hissy fit I read her the riot act. Told her she was perfectly capable of peeling the spuds and starting them cooking while I was feeding the baby. That she was not welcome to eat food I prepared until she apologized and washed the dishes for the following week.

OP you need to stand your ground with your MIL and your husband.

Why are you a caregiver? Does she have dementia? If she just moved in, go about your daily routine. If she has dementia, encourage her to do as much for herself as possible. Adult Day Care would allow her to be social & out of the house so that you can get your chores & tasks done as well as continue your social life. Get her son involved as much as possible. He can watch her while you go out of the house. If she's not much bother go out as a family. It sounds like you weren't really aware of what you were getting into when the talk about her moving in was discussed. If needed, hire someone with her finances to do the physical care for you even if it's twice a week to allow you not to burnout. Make sure that you communicate your feelings to your husband so that he's aware of what is happening & can help out. Give her small things to do such as folding towels to distract her so that she's not hovering over you. Look out for yourself & speak up so that you don't feel taken advantage of. Good luck & get the support & help that you need! 🙏

I can relate! I moved my dad in with me 2 months ago. He has mild to moderate dementia and a non-healing diabetic foot wound. I was happy to become his care taker as it is in my nature to be a care taker. I was looking forward to the feeling of reward I would get being able to help and improve my dad's life physically, emotionally, mentally, socially. I cook healthy meals, we watch movies together at night, he plays with my animals as he's an animal lover. But instead of seeing happiness or progress I see that nothing suits him. He doesn't like anything I cook, he's always grumpy, he bosses me around like a slave, he calls my name 1000 times a day to get him this, give him that, do this, do that. I'm exhausted and I've had to cut down on my work hours so my income is now reduced. I pray many times a day. I know it's not his fault. I pray for patience. But it is a difficult and draining experience all around.

I think caregiving can be a process of change, initially, and ongoing.    I see the dialectical process in action:    initial reactions, counter reactions and a compromise (if one is able to achieve it).

You're now in the stage of the counter reaction, realizing how demanding (and more) that it can be.   This is the time to assess your lifestyle changes, identify modifications that don't compromise your own lifestyle or goals, and then move forward.

Easier said than done?  Right!    Absolutely!  Spend some time identifying all the areas of change, how they can be modified, and importantly, how your husband can pitch in and help.   After all, he should definitely be involved as well.   If he's not, that puts the whole situation in a different perspective, and you'll have to establish some rules for him as he absolutely should be involved as well.   And this could cause friction if he sees you in the Cinderella role. 

You might want to consider that, how he specifically can help.  And dismiss the concept that you're a horrible person; that's a big step down the path to loss of self confidence and self esteem.

Good luck, and don't let this new arrangement compromise your self image.

There are people here with lived experience of similar care journeys. Each differs of course & you will find many stories, opinions & advice.

If it helps you to read others' stories or ask questions please stay for as long as you need!

Some write just to vent, others want practical steps towards change. Sometimes a new point of view can be illuminating.

When I asked my own questions I remember just staring at the replies & feelings less alone, amazed strangers would reply. I read the common sense replies & suddenly 'saw' how I needed to stand up for myself. Since then I have read so many stories of people stepping in to care from obligation/sense of duty & then working it out as they went.

It's can becomes a complicated tale - especially when a 2nd Queen joins the Castle! That clash of respect - is the householder still in charge? Or now the elder? And the mere Man must sometimes choose who to bow to first, Wife or Mother...

Welcome.

You are not horrible, most would feel exactly as you do. Unfortunately, you are the only one that can change it and it takes courage, perseverance and resilience.

It is great that you are here you will find the support you need. Also search to see if there are in person support grounded s for caregivers near you.

Wow. Feel like I wrote this myself. My MIL moved in a couple of months ago, and the transition has been hard. I gotta admit, it grates on me when she constantly follows me around, wants to sit with me for hours, and I can’t even go to the kitchen without her checking on me. She loves to shove food down the sink (we don’t have a garbage disposal), and it clogs. We tell her not to, and she freaks out. She washes her hands in the kitchen because she doesn’t trust the bathroom sink (no idea why). She also brushes her teeth (no toothpaste - doesn’t believe in it) over the toilet because there’s that strange bathroom sink phobia again.

This all from a woman we’ve admitted to ourselves neither of us have any love for. This is more an obligation than a love decision. She was abusive to her husband (who was awesome), and her children. The last time she hugged my husband was when he was 10 (he thinks).

She sabotaged our wedding, frequently made fun of my weight and body in front of me (but in another language - I still knew), and was horrible to me.

The bright side? She can’t hold a grudge anymore because she can’t remember. She’s mellowed out a lot, and although her quirks are most definitely annoying, I can’t deny that in a pandemic, it’s the right thing to do.

Just know that this is not forever. Life is always in flux. Sometimes it goes our way, and sometimes it doesn’t, but nothing is permanent. This is just how life is right now, not forever.

Please don’t think of yourself as “horrible” for being merely human! You are of course in the right place with people who can empathize with your situation. Glad you reached out.

Does her mobility issues keep her from doing for herself? It really isn't fair that DH is not there to help with her. I would make sure he took over on weekends.

😊 Sorry, I would not get up early to get her breakfast. Me, I am up late so I get up about 9am. I did get up earlier when Mom did, she got up about 8. And lunch, if you need to go out, then leave her something. You deserve to have a life. You do not need to entertain her. If your invited to go out to lunch then go. Visit with a friend, go. As long as she doesn't have Dementia you can keep as normal a life as you need to. Just make sure she has everything she needs. Get her to the potty before you leave.

You need to set Boundries for you. What you are willing and not willing to do. Maybe she would enjoy a Adult daycare or a Senior Center. That would give you some time to yourself.

Is there a reason she can't wait on herself?

Why did this happen if you were against MIL moving into your home?? Did you have no say in the matter? You're obviously not a 'horrible person' for having feelings on the matter! Not to mention, the woman is 81 years old and can easily live another 15 years! My mother is 94.5 and going strong, with more issues than Newsweek, including advanced dementia, CHF, pulmonary hypertension, depression, AFIB, and is wheelchair bound with bad neuropathy and living in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence 4 miles away from me. Had she been living with me since moving here in 2011, I'd have shot myself by now. If that makes me a 'horrible person' for saying so, then so be it. There should be only ONE woman running a household, in my opinion. Two's a crowd.

Speak to your husband about moving his mother out of your home and into senior living of some kind so you can go back to your previous lifestyle.

Good luck!

You are in the right place, and it sounds like you've been put in a position that you perhaps didn't have much of a say in.
It's really not fair that your husband now expects you to keep his mother entertained and cared for while he is at work, especially knowing that his mother never really thought much of you.
Perhaps it's time to tell him that he needs to hire some outside help to come in(with moms money of course)to assist you and give you some much needed breaks, so you can go and do whatever you want, as you are not his mothers keeper.
Or better yet, tell him that you will go to work and he can stay home and take care of his mother. I would venture to guess that he would either have hired help in ASAP, or would even consider having her placed in the appropriate facility.
Use your voice to share your concerns with your husband sooner than later, or you will start to harbor ill feelings towards him as well.