I'm new to all this and need a lot of advice, please?

I would first and foremost change all financial institutions so that if you sister has stolen checks or has your Moms credit card info, she will immediately be cut off.

It sounds like you need an Elder Care Attorney.
They will help untangle this mess and if they find anything that seems not right they will dig deeper and will probably send a letter to your sibling(s) requesting the information and possibly filing Financial Abuse charges if they need to.

Good Morning,

There are a couple of scenarios here...did sister dump everything because she is burnt out from everything and perhaps there was no "system" in place and she got overwhelmed.

Or, has anyone been legally appointed POA. An Elderly Attorney and Social Worker can assist you. Don't waste your time at pointing the finger at this point, but "from this point on" things need to change.

A few suggestions:

When I first started to notice small gradual changes in my mother and then during the Pandemic they went full blown. Right now, Mom is stable but she is going to be 85. So your going up against old age.

The first thing I did was at the beginning I would "assist" her in bill paying. By that I mean we both sit down together. However, with the Dementia I have had to take over completely. I have a simple system that works--

* Notebook ledger (not the one they give you with the checking account, too small) from the Dollar Store
*A Business Envelope with January 2023 and the person's name on it and the front reads "all debit and checking account entries". You do this for each month.
*Keep all receipts of any transaction even if you take out cash at the ATM and note what it is for and again receipts. You want a "paper trail".
*Each morning you go online and you check off what checks/debits have cleared. This way here if there are any errors you catch it right away and you simply refer to the envelope with receipts in it.
*Never mix your money with Mother's--never the (2) shall meet.
*Keep the ledger and envelopes in a desk so if siblings show up everything is there in black and white--you have nothing to hide.

You have to have authorization (the right form) to discuss everything today--health, dental, everything.

Also, what is the next step if mother outgrows the existing facility. Also, someone in your family needs to know your system, in case anything happens to you. You have to cover yourself. You need a back-up should an emergency turn up at either end.

It sounds like someone "you" need to take the reigns and have a system.

Next, go on the portal and make friends with your mother's primary care physician or the doc at the facility.

The VA also has an Aid & Attendance program. It is NOT a given but if dad was in the military during time of War there could be some assistance. Lots of paperwork.

You need to spend your time in the immediate, putting a band-aid on the finances and plugging up the hole in the dike and not spending time on siblings because Mother's care in the present moment is the priority. An Elderly Attorney could advise you and a Social Worker.

Keep good records and put the gas mask on yourself first. You will grow into the role and check out Teepa Snow videos on YouTube and Dr. Natali on YouTube.

This forum is excellent. You will learn the jargon and don't waste time fighting with siblings instead get your affairs in order. Amen!

Okay…first take a deeeeeep breath. Nobody can just dump POA on you. It is a legal document that designates you as POA, and it would have to be signed by your mother when she was in her right mind and capable of doing so. Your sister can’t legally just say, “you do it”. It doesn’t work like that. AND….nobody can force you to do it. Even if your mother signed the POA document and designated you POA, you still have a choice in the matter. You can just say no, nope, I don’t want the job. It gives you the legal AUTHORITY to act in accordance with her wishes, it does not in any way FORCE you to do it. Could it be that when your mother originally signed the POA she designated you as well as your sister to act as her POA and your sister has decided to walk away and leave it to you? Or maybe she made you alternate POA? If either is the case, you can tell her to go pound sand and that you aren’t doing it either. If that’s the case then I would consult an attorney about how you would go about turning this entire debacle over to the state. The courts can designate a POA to handle your mother’s financial affairs and you can maintain her medical POA if you have it. This would be VERY bad news for any siblings or family members who have been using your mother’s money for their own purposes. It will all be exposed when they do their forensic accounting of her assets and they could be in big trouble. I don’t know much about the VA but they don’t screw around, and it’s likely they would use the courts to claw back the money from from your siblings.

it is eye-opening to read what florencemom wrote in her profile. Her sister seems to have sucked dry every bit of money in a calculated manner. @florencemom, you must contact an attorney ASAP:

Cut and pasted:

"About Me 
I just took over POA over my Mom last month. It was literally dumped on me because my sister was done with her. She moved in with my mom in 2010, never paid a dime for anything, sold my dad's car and kept the money. My mom is 86 years old and has Autism. My sister didn't tell anyone that she was buying my mom's house in which she lived in for 63 years. In 2010 the house appraised for $120K. My sister put new siding on the house, a new garage door, a giant shed in the back yard, the entire house painted, a huge patio and deck added, a new roof, had at least 4 trees removed. She used my moms money for all these things. In 2020, she bought the house from my mom for$120K. How exactly does that work? Now my mom doesn't qualify for VA Aid and Attendance and other VA benefits because she has too much money. The house would have been deeded directly to her from what I understand because she took care of her for 10 years. She even had my mom sign a contract that my mom would pay for a new sewer line to be installed 1 1/2 years after she bought it. So, she basically got the house for free and screwed my mom out of her VA benefits. What can I do? What kind of an attorney do I need? Criminal? Elder? VA? There's 5 of us and I'm the youngest who is still raising kids. 2 of my brothers are retired and their kids are in there 40's the others have kids in there 30's. And I'm the only one doing anything. Oh, and she dropped her off at an assisted living facility a week before Christmas last year. I really need some help. I live in Florence, KY, BTW if anyone knows of someone who can help me." - end quote -

Wow, nice sis! You need immediatge consultation with an Elder Care attorney/professional. Dont wait; you have a ton of messed up situations going on and you should probably have your attorney counter that insulting letter you got about harrasment and jail.

Not to be harsh, but don't waste any time in getting professidonal help...your journey has only just begun-good luck!
G

You say that your sister just "literally dumped this all on you." Do you mean being moms POA? Being someone's POA doesn't happen that way. Your mother would have had to have gone to her attorney and legally designated you as her POA. Has she done that? If not then you are NOT her POA. And if you honestly believe that you've been designated, do you have or seen a copy of the POA's? Because remember, most folks that have POA's for their loved ones have both medical and durable POA, and have copies of the legal document or have at least seen them.
Sounds like you definitely need to get several different lawyers involved in this hot mess. An elder law and criminal one. However you must be able to provide proof of any mishandling of your mothers funds by your sister.
I'm sorry you're in this mess. It doesn't sound like anything will be resolved anytime soon.

POA is not OVER anyone. POA is to act on behalf of someone according to the person's wishes or to make decisions in their best interest.

Start with an elder care attorney. Sounds like sis has been doing some shady stuff. Find all proof you can.

I am sorry you're dealing with this. It's hard. I also still have a teenager at home, and been taking care of my dad for 8 years and for 18 months of that also my mom. Lucky or unlucky, I am an only child. Makes things harder because it's all on me but also don't have to deal with the sibling BS.

Also we get VA benefits. Who is signed as your mom's fiduciary with VA? Call them directly and try to see if they will talk to you. If sis messed with VA $ it is a crime. My FIL pocketed MIL's VA money that was for her nursing home care and we got them involved and they do not mess around - fiduciary was immmediately changed to my BIL, and FIL couldn't touch that money ever again. VA will take this very seriously. I get audited by them annually, so not sure how sis has gotten away with it.

You state: "it looks like there's roughly $80k unaccounted for. My siblings won't talk to me anymore and I don't know why."

Perhaps that is why . . .

Since you are overwhelmed now -and you have a need for professional, legal advice and direction - please contact an attorney. This is a serious matter requiring legal professionals.

$30 missing - or was that a typo.

I SMELL A RAT. Get an attorney.

Gena / Touch Matters