I'm the one needing care and husband divorcing me. Any advice?

Inamess: I truly feel for you, I am 81 years of age, just finished having a big time heart problem, with emergency care, which about took my life and a pace maker was installed. After over a month in hospitals and a rehab care center, I am once again home. We have no extra money, just some meager small amount of Social Security, can hardly keep up with anything financially, and would neither of us be able to stay in our home, even though I own and live in it due to part of it is my sister's and part is mine. She and her husband wish for me to pay a bill on the farm which is around $1200. per year, which is reasonable rent per month to pay for living in the house where my grandpa lived.. But other expenses are outstanding, putting the pressure on when there is no usable income to foot bills.
Also having a husband that is bed fast, even though he is a very wonderful person, I can see that if it was not for the caregivers helping me with my husband, and the new health issues that I now deal with, we would both just HAVE to go to a care center to live, especially if our son who is footing most of our expenses now, and another son who is helping around the home, yard, doing needed repairs and is driver of car to take me to doctor appointments etc. and our two daughters to fill in part time on various occasions. that will permit them to do so. We would already HAVE to be in a care center. As I I look about my home, and realize there may come a time in the near future, to make the big decision to go to a living center of sorts, where someone can over see the necessary needs of the day for either or both of us. My husband can only travel to and fro from hospital as needed by ambulance. Ambulance takes him to hospital, when over the emergency, brings him back home.
If you continue to have to be alone, it might be well that you purchase or rent the popular measures for persons living alone these days. A Life alert system where you push a button for help if you would fall and can't get up, or have other emergencies in the home. It is really hard to re-adjust too changing situations, be it caused by someone else, or just plain unexpected events to deal with in our lives. If you could afford to have round the clock in home care person, that would be a helpful solution. If not, it might do well to look into other options for your safety, comfort, and peace of mind. I send my neighbor love to you, and hope you and your family will hit upon just the right solution to help you through these troubled times. joylee

Livelifefull, well stated. I apologize for offending anyone here. And Anole I apologize to you.

GardenArtist: Praying is just a way for her to possibly find peace, it will not solve issues. Forgiveness in time is key for everything that you feel has been off kilter in life.

I am not stating this from a religious standpoint, but as a person that believes that praying (for peace, for being calm, for having mental clarity, for knowing that I am doing the right thing), is very important.

Meditation,
Yoga
All of that is the same type of thing.

Forgiveness for most people is the beginning of healing, AFTER all of the CRISIS has settled down.

Just my thoughts.

Forgiveness is not only a religious principle, but widely recognized to be a way of recovery and healing, regardless of one's beliefs. Hopefully Imamess is receiving strength and guidance, because that's what she needs at this point and I hope we have been able to provide some of that. Forgiveness and moving on comes later at the individual's own pace. Like grieving, it's a process. Unlike grieving, it is a process that the wronged person must initiate.

Anoel, your initial post wasn't a distraction by itself. It was the ensuing "discussion" that strayed further off topic. I hope you will stay on board, as I believe your experience and personal approach to dealing with it is as valid as any.

ramiller: NO. I will give no further responses. Peace to you All.

Imamess - Please delete my posts, They have become a distraction to some. I hope that your situation is resolved in your favor. God Bless You.

"GIVE A HUG" and "ANOEL" and "GARDEN ARTIST" and "RAMILLER" ... This isn't the place to be discussing religion. You're not helping "IMAMESS" with her situation, at all.
Go do this in private, if you want to continue. Try to stay on topic here.

Anoel, are you saying God killed your husband? Because that's what I hear. If that's so Divorce lawyers would be out of business.

Anoel, you seem to forget that Christianity is not the sole religion in the US or Britain, and that not everyone here is a Christian.

You might want to read the terms and conditions of the site as they address religion.

GardenArtist and anyone else who has a problem with my support, You also need to read Romans Chapter 12. It is interesting when you tell people to PRAY and FORGIVE, some people get defensive. I did not say not to seek the proper earthly help she needs, but she needs the right people to help her through this situation. My first husband died while having an affair, that I was not aware of until after he died, so I did not have to divorce him. Does that answer your question? Much earthly and heavenly help was needed, for a long time. I'll say it again, when God is through with him, he won't know what hit him.

So many helpful posts. I'm sure I am only one of many on this thread who have been through what you are facing. All the advice posted here probably sounds overwhelming but a highly qualified attorney will break it down and guide you through each step. You will probably be surprised as I was at how many legal rights you have and how many resources are available to you. My attorney was my salvation.

Fear not and be brave. Get a big pocket folder and create your own set of copies of every financial/medical/legal document you have. Your attorney will instruct you on what documents you need. With your daughters help, getting organized is your strongest weapon and will help give you confidence to endure the battle ahead. At the same time, look to your own care. Get all the help you need with the help of your daughter and attorney. You are entitled to create a new and safe life for yourself. Best wishes to you.

One in every tree marriages brake up during illness your not well here comes the part of your marriage for better or worst he as it says in the bible is not equly yoked to you its a nice way to say he's a ass and never was he may be a father but not a real husband had he been the sick one you would have more then likely helped him and not broke your vows yes its wonderful you and he have a child who wants to help you and some day him she is your glue but the main point is you and what you can salve out of this he has always never given up himself to be us and s family if he has. Secrets from you Best not to dig it may or not be more then accounts he has kept from you that will real tick you off lets just hope its only money I want you to know you have a life too with out the man you are waisting your energy and making your self weaker by feeling you can stop him let him go live a life of your own your and should have been number one in your life and every minute of your life is important God will heal you if you let go of all that holds you back in life the healing can come in the mind as well as the body money is a thing that will not go with you to heaven nor will it bring less sorrow to your loved ones what brings you
thought life is your self and your love for others hey if you don't want to divorce him just let him go shopping him the door and tell him the roads that way then close it if he's saying divorce he is looking for his share of property money money money your sick hang on to your home he's healthy let him move to a new town and pay his share of the home or apartment till you want to move tell him we all pay for our freedom separate into two people

Garden you hit the nail on the head, you have to protect yourself at all costs and go in with guns blazing ( so to speak) because he will be there with his army. You must be strong. Your daughter can support you and you will make it through as have so many before you. No judge will allow this man to abandon you without paying. But as others have said make sure you are prepared.

Like James55 (the attorney) said, the judge will make provisions for your care, but you MUST let the judge know about your issues.

If possible, I would make sure you have medical proof with you, at the time. Try to get copies of your medical records from your doctors, so you can present them to the judge, when you bring this up. Any receipts for medication, or any special needs you've had to, (or will have to), pay for (or that he's paid for in the past).

This will save a lot of time, and court dates. A judge does not just take someones word, regarding situations like this. And of course, your husband may tell the judge that there's nothing wrong with you, to try to sway him from ordering him to pay. I would also try to get proof of his income/finances, before he tries to hide his money, and any assets. He may even try to convince his boss to pay him partial, or all of his salary off the books. Maybe you can find some of his pay stubs.

One last thing .... Anything that's in both your names, get his name off. That means closing any joint bank accounts. I would see if he has a will also. I don't quite understand the will part, but I do know of people that are ordered to make provisions for their ex-spouses, if they should pass away. Second wives shouldn't get everything that you put 30 years into. Nor should your children be cut out either. Check out life insurance policies too. HIS and YOURS! Again, I'm not sure what that entails, but I would look into it.

It couldn't hurt to join a support group ... You'll not only get the emotional support you'll need, but you'll also get advice. Remember, some of these women have been through what you're going through right now.

Once you've reached the actual court, it starts getting real tricky.
Good luck and God Bless you, during these trying times. :-)

Since hes initiating the divorce make sure your lawyer goes after him for all your legal fees. As to help around the house have your daughter help you hire a private caregiver a couple day a week, she can do light house work, help set up your meds for the week, help with showers ti make sure you dont fall...anything you agree upon. If you use care site to place an ad you can do background checks etc and a private caregiver will be much less than going through an agency+ you will have the added benefit of having the same person all the time. Dont spare anything when going after your husband, charge him with abandonment because of your illness the judge will slap him good for that. And make sure you get alamony, so many women let their husbands off easy, hook him but good!

You can do the work of forgiveness after the war.

Forgiveness is fine, and yes, we are commanded to do it if we want forgiveness for ourselves, but it never precludes rational self-defense at the same time.

Anoel, I don't wish to start a religious argument, but if you've ever been through a divorce, or supported family members through one, and you're aware of the vicious accusations that are made, forgiveness is not even on their radar.

Can you imagine if someone reported you to Child Protective Serivces as being an alcoholic and you were investigated by it, with the possibility of losing your children, even if you weren't an alcoholic? Can you imagine if someone claimed to CPS that you abused your children, even when the abuser was your husband? Can you even conceive of the anxiety a mother feels when she's still mandated by court order to allow her husband visitation rights, worrying about whether he's going to retaliate physically against your children?

Can you imagine someone posting these kinds of negative and false accusations on some idiotic social media site? Can you imagine what it feels like to have CPS investigate you? Can you imagine what it's like to struggle and ask for public assistance b/c the husband won't pay child support but spends money frivolously on himself?

It's idealistic to consider forgiveness, but in the down and dirty world that sometimes accompanies divorce, forgiveness is just not realistic.

I'm curious: how many times have you been divorced?

I know this may sound like doing nothing, but, PLEASE PRAY, and ask God to lead you and guide you in His will and His way as you navigate through this situation. When God is through with your husband, he won't know what hit him. I hope he repents of his sin, for his sake. You also need to pray for him, to help in your emotional healing. Forgiveness is key. Read Romans Chapter 12.

I don't want to challenge or denigrate anyone else's advice, but I just wanted to re-emphasize the need for an attorney who is skilled and experienced in matrimonial, family, but especially divorce practice.

Elder law attorneys are great for that specific practice area, but not for divorce, which gets ugly very quickly. Someone who knows how to navigate the divorce system is the best choice, hands down.

The fighting like 2 tigers over a gazelle is one of the reasons I never stayed in this field; I preferred something more civil and clients who weren't being jerked around by their soon to be ex-spouses.

These are situations in which someone is engaged in potentially ego and asset threatening action with the assistance of an attorney. They can get ugly, violent, fraught with allegations and fighting. You need someone capable of managing this, like a guide who takes kayakers out on a river trip and is capable of handling white water rapids. Think of divorce as that - a rough journey over raging waters and hidden boulders in a violent river. That's I think a good representation of what anyone could face.

And be aware that the Friend of the Court who gets involved will be an asset to you as well. This is the person who will help when your husband doesn't pay any alimony ordered, as may very well happen.

In all my experience as an attorney, the courts in a divorce case will protect a spouse's financial needs. Make sure your physical and mental conditions are presented to the court. The court will make provisions for your husband to pay for the care you need.

Everybody has made lots of valid points. Let me add just one...when you seek an attorney's advice, try to find one in your area that specializes in "Elder Care" & if she is willing take your daughter with you. With having memory issues, she can remember for you AND translate it down to level of comprehension. Good luck,my dear...stick up for yourself...you gave him the best years of your life!!!!

Check with your local Department of Social Services, they can help with the light housekeeping situation, and with transportation. He's already filed, and is suing you for divorce? Counter sue him, (Like the person above said) for mental cruelty. You must contest this divorce! After 30 years of marriage, there's no judge in the world, that won't give you at least half of the marital assets, including his money ... even if he's retired.
Check with your local senior center, and your church ... They have programs that can help you too.
Good luck and God Bless you.

Have you tried a marriage counselor? We can only help you so much on this site.

Such awful situation! My heart goes out to you!
Some spouses just cannot handle having a chronically ill, disabled partner, and behave very badly...that is on them.
You must do everything you can, to find proper legal help specific to your case.
Please immediately start gathering documents to help yourself, and getting a freeze-order on your spouses. You'll need medical records, letters from Docs, anything you can, to inform the court of your circumstances.
IF you wait for the lawyers to subpoena records, they may not get a clear picture. But your Doc's offices can write letters to help elucidate your circumstances better than simply raw-records copies. One or more of your Docs may need to help by testifying on your behalf.
The divorce industry is heavily tilted towards gobbling-up a family's resources, especially if minor children are involved. It can also happen to disadvantaged ill spouses.
One thing I don't see mentioned here, is that IF your spouse has racked-up debt, the divorce process usually tries to shackle that debt onto both partners, not just the one who racked-it-up. Your lawyer needs to get harsh about stuff like that, to make sure he pays for his own debt, and leaves assets you need to provide for yourself, alone.
It can be very hard to track down what the debt was for, and who racked-it-up.
IF he can make himself look poorer than you, even for the duration of the divorce proceedings, the judge might force you to pay him alimony, which can only be adjusted at your expense, later.
Ask your divorce lawyer, to firmly help protect your few assets, by perhaps demonstrating the cost of care for you being ill for the rest of your life, but also document who did it, for what, any debt was created.
When your lifetime care-costs are totaled up, those also need compared with doing it in a facility setting, and, as Home care.
The differences can be startling.
And, Lawyer needs to clearly state one goal is preventing you from becoming dependent upon State Aid.
And your lawyer needs to be able to trace accounts--your spouse might already have moved some overseas...those need tracked. It's gotten harder to hide where someone put their income.
It's important for you to have meticulously documentation of your illness, how it has progressed, the prognosis [how it is likely to become over time], and, costs for treatments and maintenance. Not simply records copies...those can be startlingly inadequate to present your situation.
To encourage Systems to keep you at home with home care as long as possible, it must be shown clearly, how huge a cost nursing home care is, compared with in-home care helpers.
Since you have been married for 30 years, you are likely legally entitled to get some of His Social Security, as well as part of any other retirement funds he has which accumulated during your marriage.
If there's a business, or other salable assets, those are also likely partially yours.
It's always all about the money, in the end.
The highest goals for you, include ensuring your on-going appropriate care and well-being, and getting you out of bondage to a person who doesn't want to be with you--hold onto your goals!
His goal is to quit the marriage [for whatever reason]; if he's become mean, he might try almost anything nasty to keep you mentally knocked off-balance--that's a common Offensive move in any hard conflict, which can get very ugly.
It can't have been pleasant in any way, to be in a partnership this contentious; he's likely been having behaviors for a long time.
It's very emotional and scary to suddenly get cut loose from a partnership of so many years, especially when one is so limited; but as things are now, it's likely to be increasingly worse, by staying in it longer.
Regardless what is causing those [because there can be mental causes for those!], the whole point right now, is protecting yourself as best possible.
You might find yourself pleasantly surprised, to feel some better, once quit of this mess, no matter how the assets get distributed.
The act of freeing oneself from bad situations can potentially help reduce severity of long-standing illness--if so, what a great thing! I dearly hope that applies to you!

So sorry for what some may perceive as your loss, Imamess.
Another way to view it is a chance to get unbelievably better once you are divorced, because of what you have shared.
Try not to be consumed with sadness or anger.
Bless you with a future and a hope.

Funny. My step dad divorced my mom after 27 yrs of marriage because she needs care and it was too much drama for him so he walked away. Now she's my problem as her only child 24/7. he's the lucky one now. Good luck it only gets more stressful for you and your caregiver. My mom still cries for her ex.

Change the locks, the home is now your territory until the final settlement of divorce. Can your daughter packup his personal belongings, put them in a small storage unit in his name, give him the key and the bill.
The court may order you to share the home when he 'claims he cannot afford another residence'. Make sure this does not happen. Where has he been living?

Marital Settlement Agreement. Fast track this for your health.

So much good advice for you. One thing I would add to assist your memory is to have handy a smartphone or other device to make an instant audio recording of anything you want or need to remember. Also try to get affirmation from others who may have been witness to comments or accusations made by Mr. Untrustworthy (as long as they're not buddies of his). You want to be well armed with as many facts as you can garner, since it appears that he has been planning this move for some time. In that respect he has the upper hand, and he is obviously trying to make himself look like the victim. As was mentioned, this is standard procedure in divorce cases. My son's ex made all sorts of ridiculous accusations. His lawyer told him this is normal and that he should do the same, which he refused to do.

Good bless you and your daughter, and keep us updated.

One more suggestion: if your spouse is a veteran, the VA has a program for the spouse of a veteran that would pay for home healthcare. The benefit is a sizable amount so is worth considering if by chance he is a veteran.
Good luck, I am so very sorry that you find yourself in this position.