This is something that no one else has mentioned, but it’s true for me. Stress and pain are triggers for a drink or two in the evening, because that gives you two or three hours when you feel better. A drink or two in the evening gives you digestive troubles as well as sleep difficulties. BaBoom!
My DH has been gone done south for a month now, and I decided not to drink while he is away, stress and pain or not. My digestion and diarrhoea is ridiculously better, in fact non-existent.
What is dad's situation? Is he still healthy and dementia-free? Can you have a chat with him about perhaps finding a place for your mother, where she will get the care she needs? You can still oversee her care, visit with her, be her daughter again, rather than killing yourself to provide for her every need.
If finances are an issue, check with EC attys - many offer an initial free consult. Include your dad, if he's still capable of making decisions. If they have enough assets to private pay, go that route. If not, Medicaid might be an option.
If dad opposes facility care, then they should be using their assets/income to hire in-home help. If they are both cognitively challenged, what you are currently doing will be unsustainable. It only gets worse and harder. You will be of no use to them if you continue as is and end up with major medical issues yourself!
The stress of trying to care for his Mom has now caused a colitis flareup in a cousin. He had to place her in a NH which added to the stress because...he promised his Dad he would care for her. But he is only in his late 50s and owns a business. He has to support himself.
Can you work on convincing him, as we do for others on the forum, that he IS caring for her, just not directly? If someone needs surgery, we don't perform it ourselves. At some point, caring for a LO means ensuring they are getting the care they need. Also remind him that if caring for him severely impacts his health, he won't be able to care for her or himself!
While I would have preferred caring for my kids 100% of the time, in order to provide what we needed, including a place to live, I had to resort to child care so I could work. Granted it is different and they come home at the end of the work day, but the concept is very similar.
Stress causes a rise in cortisol, which is the stress hormone that has been directly linked to inflammation. Inflammation of the gut leads to digestive problems. Stress also causes ulcers. Ulcers will lead to more problems as your body becomes unable to absorb nutrients. It's a downward spiral. And all for what? So that you can take better care of others than you do yourself?
You certainly have a lot on your plate. Your current situation sounds unsustainable. Your mother's needs are only going to increase. Dementia does not get better. The longer you continue to ignore the root cause of your problem - caregiving for your mother who is very sick - the longer you and your family will continue to suffer.
It's time you and your husband figure out what's best for your mother and for your family. What are your mother's finances like? That's the biggest thing you need to figure out in order to be able to plan ahead. What assets does your mother have that can be sold to pay for her longterm care?
Oh my god. I have been diagnosed with sibo. Small intestine bacterial overgrowth. Very painful and am on a months of antibiotics. Lots of gas and pain lost 15 pounds. I know its related to stress. Eat less big meals, take your time, and reduce as much stress as you can . Good luck to us!
I'm on my 27th hour of an intractable migraine, so yes, constantly worrying is going to do it.
Mostly, my big brain blowout is likely due to the fact that I drew a line in the sand the other day. Mom wants me and only me to do a LOT for her. Not realistic or sustainable. I'm early 50s and have a life and a full time job, the whole deal.
So, working with my therapist she told me to tell my mother to call the lady that used to help out with caregiving in the past and see if she'd be willing to help out and if not, that I (me) would be calling an agency and we'd start interviewing next week, because I need the help around HER house.
Mom did her usual, "Yes we'll discuss this later," and I held firm. "There's really nothing more to say about it, call so-and-so and see if she'll help and if not, I'll start calling other people. It's really easy." I sounded excited and positive. Mother had a most befuddled look on her face. But, by sundown she had called the former caregiver and "we're going to work something out." I have stayed away from mom's house for two full days now (mostly because of the migraine) but also because this is my first real boundary test. And, it's not this horrific image of hell I thought it would be. She isn't pleased by the tone of her voice but quite frankly she has the same tone when I do come over and do things.
The point that I've so horribly strayed away from, yes. This stress will get you. I finally had a long talk with myself and said, "I'm suffering so someone else can be happy/pleased/get what they need/be comfortable." I'm bedridden so someone else's carpet is vacuumed and their furniture is dusted. And I get to have the occasional verbal jab thrown in at me as well while doing it. Yeah, that sounds fair.
Seek out counseling - either in person or on line. Someone else needs to show you where to start so you can get started.
"I'm suffering so someone else can be happy/pleased/get what they need/be comfortable."
And how often, for you and others, is that "happy" achieved? I've read so many posts and comments about how unhappy the LO is, despite the person providing the care and needs bending over backwards and twisting into pretzels! Too often critical as well as ungrateful.
Yes it can definitely be stress-related. Take care of yourself so you can care for others in your life.
Is you parents living with you a long-term solution, or is it until mom heals. If it is a long-term solution, you need to make plans on how to do it. Caregiving both parents will most likely become a 24/7/365 unpaid job. If they stay with you long term I would suggest you look into hiring in-home aids to assist with the care of your parents realizing that over time they will decline further requiring more care.
Make plans now: - is paperwork in order - wills, POAs, directives for each of them - make sure their finances are in order - is there enough to pay for in-home health aids; to finance living in AL - make sure your name is in your parents' medical providers that they can talk to you about them
If caring for them in your home is too much - check out AL facilities for their placement. You would still be their caregiver, your duties would be to advocate to make sure their needs are met.
absolutely stress caused anxiety and health issues. I just watched a video from Jolene Brackey who wrote “creating moments of joy” but in her video she suggests doing something you enjoy, I believe she said she gardens. I sew and am able to focus on that for my escape. Look her up on YouTube and watch her presentation.
Yes, stress can absolutely affect your physical health. Besides digestive problems, insomnia, lack of appetite, and listlessness are just some of the ways caregiver stress can manifest itself. There are some meds that may help, but many of them are not the ideal remedy because of their link to dementia. Your best bet is to take a break from the constant caregiving by planning some respite time for yourself and your family. Hire a home care worker to come in at least once a week to allow the family to take in a movie, go out to eat, do something fun. You might start by calling your state Dept of Aging to get some suggestions. Your Area Agency on Aging ( I don't know what it's called in HI) would also be a good start. Your church may have volunteers that can offer some help, talk to your pastor.
Petula, what are some ideas you have to better take care of yourself? as gladimhere noted, you have a lot on your plate!
"I recently became my elderly Mother's primary caregiver after hip surgery. A month after the fall, she was hospitalized to for another health issue. I really want to try my best to provide the care that she needs while also working full time and maintaining my home and relationships with my adult children, husband, and Dad who also live with me. I want to be sure I take care of myself as well so that I can better take care of my Mom and family."
Yes, it could be stress. From your profile you have plenty on your plate. See your doc, take care of you, if you don't you won't have anything left for others. And stress does actually cause illness.
Thank you Glad for your reply. Yes, you are absolutely right, I can't give to others if I have nothing physically, mentally, emotionally, etc left to give.
My DH has been gone done south for a month now, and I decided not to drink while he is away, stress and pain or not. My digestion and diarrhoea is ridiculously better, in fact non-existent.
If finances are an issue, check with EC attys - many offer an initial free consult. Include your dad, if he's still capable of making decisions. If they have enough assets to private pay, go that route. If not, Medicaid might be an option.
If dad opposes facility care, then they should be using their assets/income to hire in-home help. If they are both cognitively challenged, what you are currently doing will be unsustainable. It only gets worse and harder. You will be of no use to them if you continue as is and end up with major medical issues yourself!
While I would have preferred caring for my kids 100% of the time, in order to provide what we needed, including a place to live, I had to resort to child care so I could work. Granted it is different and they come home at the end of the work day, but the concept is very similar.
You certainly have a lot on your plate. Your current situation sounds unsustainable. Your mother's needs are only going to increase. Dementia does not get better. The longer you continue to ignore the root cause of your problem - caregiving for your mother who is very sick - the longer you and your family will continue to suffer.
It's time you and your husband figure out what's best for your mother and for your family. What are your mother's finances like? That's the biggest thing you need to figure out in order to be able to plan ahead. What assets does your mother have that can be sold to pay for her longterm care?
Mostly, my big brain blowout is likely due to the fact that I drew a line in the sand the other day. Mom wants me and only me to do a LOT for her. Not realistic or sustainable. I'm early 50s and have a life and a full time job, the whole deal.
So, working with my therapist she told me to tell my mother to call the lady that used to help out with caregiving in the past and see if she'd be willing to help out and if not, that I (me) would be calling an agency and we'd start interviewing next week, because I need the help around HER house.
Mom did her usual, "Yes we'll discuss this later," and I held firm. "There's really nothing more to say about it, call so-and-so and see if she'll help and if not, I'll start calling other people. It's really easy." I sounded excited and positive. Mother had a most befuddled look on her face. But, by sundown she had called the former caregiver and "we're going to work something out." I have stayed away from mom's house for two full days now (mostly because of the migraine) but also because this is my first real boundary test. And, it's not this horrific image of hell I thought it would be. She isn't pleased by the tone of her voice but quite frankly she has the same tone when I do come over and do things.
The point that I've so horribly strayed away from, yes. This stress will get you. I finally had a long talk with myself and said, "I'm suffering so someone else can be happy/pleased/get what they need/be comfortable." I'm bedridden so someone else's carpet is vacuumed and their furniture is dusted. And I get to have the occasional verbal jab thrown in at me as well while doing it. Yeah, that sounds fair.
Seek out counseling - either in person or on line. Someone else needs to show you where to start so you can get started.
And how often, for you and others, is that "happy" achieved? I've read so many posts and comments about how unhappy the LO is, despite the person providing the care and needs bending over backwards and twisting into pretzels! Too often critical as well as ungrateful.
Is you parents living with you a long-term solution, or is it until mom heals. If it is a long-term solution, you need to make plans on how to do it. Caregiving both parents will most likely become a 24/7/365 unpaid job. If they stay with you long term I would suggest you look into hiring in-home aids to assist with the care of your parents realizing that over time they will decline further requiring more care.
Make plans now:
- is paperwork in order - wills, POAs, directives for each of them
- make sure their finances are in order - is there enough to pay for in-home health aids; to finance living in AL
- make sure your name is in your parents' medical providers that they can talk to you about them
If caring for them in your home is too much - check out AL facilities for their placement. You would still be their caregiver, your duties would be to advocate to make sure their needs are met.
I wish you the best of luck.
hope it helps
"I recently became my elderly Mother's primary caregiver after hip surgery. A month after the fall, she was hospitalized to for another health issue. I really want to try my best to provide the care that she needs while also working full time and maintaining my home and relationships with my adult children, husband, and Dad who also live with me. I want to be sure I take care of myself as well so that I can better take care of my Mom and family."