I'm my 90 yr old mothers caregiver. She questions my decisions. Is it normal for us to argue when I try to help?

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I see that she doesn't argue like this with my husband or anyone else. I feel she takes advantage and antagonizes me cause I'm her daughter. I try to talk to her about it, but she denies it and doesn't wanna listen. Feeling frustrated.

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Yup, you'll always be her kid. She's used to telling you what and how to do things. I'm sure she's just doing what comes naturally. They don't realize we're adults.

Come here when you want to scream. We're all screaming too! :0
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Sandy, i see from your profile that you are caring for Mom at her home. Sometimes what happens is the adult/child dynamic. Once again Mom takes her adult role, and she sees you as the child. And we being the "kids", what do we know :P Thus the reason she is questioning your decisions, even if your decisions are 100% correct.
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She's losing control of her life and you're the one she knows isn't going to kick her out on the street. She's angry and has to lash out. Does she live with you? Is she in Assisted Living or some other care? Is she ill?
If she continues to cause trouble for no reason and has all her faculties (no dementia, mental illness, etc), tell her that she's hurting your feelings. When my MIL gets sideways about something, I offer the worse case scenario---"So, you're unhappy with how much this place costs? I understand that you're worried about it. What can we do? How about we start looking for cheaper alternatives? Remember that place that Dad stayed for rehab (an awful place!)? I know that place is a bit cheaper." Maybe some would consider that 'playing dirty' by using that method, but it helps her see that she does have some control of her life. She drives me batty sometimes, but when I'm particularly sideways with her. I have to take a deep breath and remember that she controls very little in her life and she's got very little she can do to change that.
Hang in there. I understand. This is a roller coaster that isn't any fun for any of us.
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Did she argue like that when she was 70? Is this just more of same, but you have more contact now so it seems worse?

Has this been mostly since she has lost so much of her independence?

Can you make decisions and have the decisions announced by your husband or someone else? Obviously there are lots of immediate decisions you must make day to day that can't wait for someone else to get involved, but postponing those suggestions/decisions that can be dealt with later might reduce the conflict. (Maybe.)

It sounds like your mother trusts you to love her forever and she feels like she doesn't have to be on her best behavior with you. You'll accept her the way she is. Try to take that as the compliment that it is.

Can you give an example of the kind of argument you and Mom have? Maybe someone will have specific suggestions for that.
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Ok.. I can really commiserate here. While I am not acting in a caregiver role with my dad.. I am the one who is ringleading the circus that has become his life over the last 5 weeks. It seems like he will listen better to almost anyone on care related issues but me. I think it's hard for them to let go of the dynamic where they are the parent and in control.
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