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A very long story short, my grandma ended up needing multiple surgeries in 2014. In that time, her sister volunteered to stay with her to make sure that certain things were met and that she was okay. But instead of helping transition her to everyday life tasks, she didn't, and now she is literally forced to live with her after the house she was living in was sold by her step kids.


My mom and I are hardly in the know and when we try asking questions and finding out what is going on and how we can help, we're basically shut out of things and we're the last to find out when something is going on with her. She even takes it upon herself to take her to her doctor appointments and most of the time we weren't even told when they were and when we'd ask so we could be present, we'd get some runaround but this time I forced it out of them and I went with to the doctor.


Her sister got upset with me because I recommended an anti-depressant because my grandma doesn't talk much anymore like she used to but appears very lucid most of the time but her sister is enough to make anyone depressed after a period of time. But it's my fault that her treatment will cost more money apparently. I think it's because I'm the one who came up with something. I'm suppose to be a little child who doesn't know my butt hole from a hole in the ground despite being nearly 30. But the part that is more frustrating is my grandma's financial information. Because of the move, her mail is forwarded to her sister's address where she is staying and that includes bank statements. My mom is a joint owner on most of it except for a few things which means that my mom on her own can't stop the statements from going there. We do use some money to help pay certain expenses but my grandma's sister noses into her bank statements and comes up with these irrational ideas that someone out of state is taking money from the account even though we've stated many times that we're the ones making sure certain things are paid.


So the real question is, how the heck can we stop this from happening. We were told years ago that everything was "taken care of" but we have no idea who she even went through as far as lawyers go which is another thing that would be nice to find out. But we're concerned her sister is going to try and get money out of her account somehow since she's snowing grandma on how much she has, she has more than enough money to cover expenses and yet her sister is leading everyone to believe she only has a few hundred left at the most. I'm very suspicious of it. The problem is that my grandma can't get around much anymore and it's hard to get her away from her sister long enough to do anything. At the very least I've been documenting what is going on on paper and dating this stuff as evidence in case something happens. But I'm mostly concerned with the unauthorized access to bank statements and then pretending not to know how much she really has when I think she does since it's not that hard to read a bank statement. Any help or at least thoughts/similar experiences shared would be great. Her sister and grandma are both in their low 80s. There's a ton more stuff that goes along with this but this is the main two things I'm concerned about, bank statements and finding out how to obtain last wishes/will information that was supposedly all set about a decade ago.


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Check with the county records in probate to see if they filed a will with the courthouse. Does she have funeral arrangements made already? They might give you a clue. Scamming elderly people out of their money is a big crime wave right now.
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Reply to Bussjones29
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If your mom has joint ownership on the bank account, she can get an online user id and password set up. From there she can access statements.
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Reply to tacy022
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tbb279 Jul 26, 2018
Hi tacy022, we've actually tried that. The only problem is there are a few CDs in there that does not have her name on it for whatever reason, so that is the one thing preventing us from being able to receive statements at our house instead or set up online banking. That was originally my idea as well.
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I'm a little confused her so bear with me if I am way off the wall. First, does your mom have any siblings? Do your Grandma and her sister have any other siblings? Your grandfather has passed, correct? When you mentioned step-kids was that your grandma's step-kids or her sisters? Has anyone been given POA? You mentioned your grandmother being 1/2 owner of accounts who is the other 1/2? I'm trying to get a feel for the legal standing possibilities because IMHO that makes a difference in how you might approach things. I would want to get the legalities and who has what standing straight before you are all in the hospital fighting it out when what you really should be and want to be doing is focusing positive energy on her. Protecting your mom, yourself and your grandmother now of course will be easier when you know the legal pecking order too.
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Reply to Lymie61
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tbb279 Jul 26, 2018
Hi Lymie61, yes, she does have an older sister and brother in law. Both of whom I think are snowed by the sister taking care of grandma. My grandfather has passed back in 2007, so that is correct. But since it was a second marriage, it was her step kids and not her actual kids and technically he'd be my step-grandfather. I was told I was given POA but I don't even know how to go about finding that out. I was told I would've had to sign something but either I don't remember doing it or I didn't. That's why I want to get this figured out before things get too bad and legal action has to be taken. The problem with the sister taking care of grandma, she is always right no matter what. No matter how much you say something or even prove it in black and white, she is always right. That's why everyone eventually backs down and she gets more and more power each time she has a victory because people just don't even want to argue with her anymore.
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I'm not sure this would work but it's just a thought. Can you put in another change of address form for your grandma? Have her mailing address changed from the sister's to you or your mom. Nowadays it can be done online very simply.

My parents used to tell us that they had everything documented and we'd have everything we needed when they died. When the time came this was not the case. When someone makes arrangements for the future those arrangements have to be updated through the years because things change. If your grandmother was responsible enough to have a will done and everything that goes with that she shouldn't mind telling you where to find that information. Chances are it's out of date and irrelevant now. I hope she will be open with you regarding this information so you don't have a mess on your hands after she's gone like we did.
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tbb279 Jul 26, 2018
Thank you for the reply, Eyerishlass. I don't think it would be too much hassle to have the address changed again except for the fact that social security and all that fun stuff needs to be changed over for some reason as well.

As for the next part, she actually was very responsible and made sure stuff was taken care of when she was a bit younger. The only issue is, and we're still not sure and even the doctor himself isn't sure if dementia is starting a bit or if it could be depression but she can't seem to recall things like she should. She can't even "remember" what she had for breakfast or if she even ate breakfast. Yet she passed the memory test in the doctor's office. She knew where she was, what year it was along with the month and date. She only missed the day of the week. She could memorize numbers and words but the only trouble she had was reciting numbers in reverse. So this is where we're not sure if she really can't remember certain things or if it's her natural defenses kicking in so she can at least stand living there because when she was forced out of her home of 36 years, she came out and said she didn't like the idea of having to live with her sister and since then it seems like it was all downhill. Now when you ask her certain things it's always I don't know. Yet she can recall other things just fine. The problem is that we really don't have the room for her in our home since it's small as it is and we have three people living in it which includes myself. It's just such a bad situation all around because I feel as though we were purposely left in the dark all these years so that we couldn't get involved and take charge of things and instead her sister can receive the praise that she's giving up her life to take care of her sister and that we're doing nothing when in reality, we're almost not even able to get involved. It's just a very bad situation the whole way around.
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