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I'm reaching out because I'm in a challenging situation, and I genuinely need some guidance and support. My 77-year-old mother has been living with me for over 30 years, primarily because she has struggled to afford living independently due to some unfortunate financial planning decisions. It’s been difficult for me to see that she hasn’t made any efforts to change her living situation during this entire time. She has consistently paid her share of the rent and utilities during her entire time living with me.Though she worked part-time for the Alaska Court System and retired several years ago, I’ve started to notice some troubling changes in her behavior over the last decade. I’ve observed a decline in her memory and cognitive abilities, and recently, this has escalated into agitation and frustration during our conversations. While I know some changes are expected with age, my concerns are growing, especially considering our family history of dementia. Witnessing the devastating effects of this disease on my grandmother (her mother) has left me increasingly worried for my mother’s well-being.There have also been specific incidents that have deepened my unease. I've encountered some scary situations, such as when I discovered that food was left unattended on the stove while she and I were asleep. If it wasn’t for the smoke alarm, it would have probably been a different outcome. The eggs burned, and she placed the hot pot of burnt eggs on the countertop, which caused some significant damage. It’s incredibly distressing to see her wandering the house at night, something I’ve even captured on my indoor camera while I’m asleep. Right now, I feel a profound sense of discomfort and fear for both her safety and my own.The stress of these circumstances has become overwhelming, and I find myself unsure of how to proceed. I want to support her, but I simply lack the time and resources to be the caregiver she may need while managing my own responsibilities. I’m reaching out in hopes of finding compassionate advice and support to help navigate this difficult situation. I truly appreciate any guidance you could offer as I try to find a way forward.

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From what you describe your Mom is probably already in a moderate phase of dementia. You now have to decide what does a solution look like to you? In-home daytimes aids to keep your Mom safe? An adult daycare program while you're at work? Transitioning into AL? You also need to consider what she can afford, because you should not have to pay for any of it. Then you must consider what control you actually have: are you her PoA? If not, does she have one? Would she be willing to now assign you as such? Once you get the legal control issue sorted out, then you take her in for a medical exam to confirm what you think is dementia. Once you have PoA and then a confirmed diagnosis, you have legal power to make decisions in her best interests, and yours. The caregiving needs to happen on the caregiver's terms or else burnout is guaranteed. But, even with legal authority it is difficult to get a resistant adult to do something against their will. You don't wait for buy-in, you use therapeutic fibs. I know many responders will tell you to find placement for her and I don't disagree, but there is of course the financial piece, about which we have no information. Also, every state has different rules and programs. Contact your local county's Area Agency on Aging for resources. Mine was very helpful but it all depends on how rural an area you live in. If your Mom doesn't have a PoA, won't (or can't) assign you, and doesn't have money... then really your only option will be to work with APS/social services to get her a court-appointed 3rd party guardian who will move her in to a facility and then be resposible for managing all her affairs and decisions. Then you can have your life back and can go visit her as often as you'd like.
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I agree with the advice above.

Also something to keep in mind is to take a good look at the current living situation, meaning rugs, cords, breakables that are in reach or could be a trip hazard.

Her bedroom environment too, should she wake up in the middle of the night and trip over something or fall against something hard--the edge of a night stand, for example.

Placing sturdy chairs with armrests nearby, removing trinkets and sharp objects or other items not secured. Taking a good look at the bathroom and decide what could be removed or added to make living easier.

Take care and I hope you find what helps you both.
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It sounds like your mom is now showing signs of some kind of dementia, so the first step should be to get her to her doctor so they can more thoroughly assess the situation. Just make sure that you let them know ahead of time of what you're witnessing either via the patient portal or by handing the doctor a note before her appointment.
Then once you know what you're dealing with you can better know how to proceed, which may very well include getting her placed in the appropriate facility.
I would make sure that your mom has all of her legal "ducks in a row" now before her dementia worsens and she will no longer be able to do anything legal. That will include all POA's(make sure you get a durable POA because that is effective immediately)her will. POST or MOST forms completed and the like.
Dementia sucks and there is NOTHING easy about caring for someone with it, so start educating yourself about this horrific disease now so you will be better prepared for what is to come. You will be glad you did.
I always recommend the book The 36 Hour Day, and all the videos on YouTube by Teepa Snow(a dementia expert)as a good place to start.
I wish you well in getting the answers you need so you can make the right decisions in the future.
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