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This couple have 1 daughter that works and lives in a different city. They need help! They are alone, the husband wears Pampers. I deep cleaned their restroom after months and months of no one cleaning it. It was overwhelming. I feel bad, no parents should be left alone like this. Her husband stopped eating, lost his voice and can't hear. He sleeps 22 hours a day. I don't know what to do. I'm scared for them. Is he slowly shutting down? Please help me help them.

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Irene, you're right to want to help your elderly neighbours, and/but there's no need to attach any blame to the daughter in that.

In fact, it will be better for them, for you, and for simply the making of progress if there is no sense of criticism in the air at all.

Consult the neighbour lady beforehand, and suggest that on her behalf you give your Area Agency on Aging a call to ask for advice and a needs assessment. Assuming she agrees, and if this is all taken as a matter of course there's no reason for her not to, then do that but also let the daughter know about it and ask the daughter if she would like to be copied in on developments.

The couple's needing help does not mean that the daughter must be first in line to provide it; and as they've been independent together for so long, I expect they would be the first to agree, don't you? So the key thing is to put them in touch with the people whose professional job is provide support services, and that's what I'd encourage them to accept.
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I'm just very upset . She called me last night crying very frantic that her husband is not eating anymore But thank you so much for you respond. I will contact daughter once again In hopes she replys back to me this time. Thank you
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I just want to stick up for the daughter a little bit. So often on this forum you see questions from concerned family members who just can't get their elders to accept help. The advice is often "wait for the crisis" that forces your parents to accept help.
If her parents are in their late 90s, the daughter might be in her late 70s. Maybe she has her own health issues to deal with. Maybe she can't go there and clean their bathrooms and they have refused to have 'strangers' help them out.
I think the advice to report the situation to APS is good advice. However, I would also try to get contact information for the daughter and express the same concerns to her that you express to APS. I would also reconsider how much physical help you offer to the couple. It's very kind of you but unless you intend to keep that up in the long run, you might just be reinforcing the elderly couple's belief that they are able to manage in their current situation.
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I really appreciate it. But I do have to say As far as the daughter she doesnt have any health issues and she does know what is going in with her parents. She is 74 years old but she is very healthy and shes is the director at a University. They talk every other day. I just feel she is neglecting her parents. She knows they need help but to me it seems her job comes first to her and that's not right. I have emailed her and she has not replied back to me at all. And I am going to say 1 more thing. I bet you when her parents pass away she will be there collecting what the mom left her and that is a dam shame! But I will do whatever I have to do So someone can provide them the help they need. Parents should never ever be left alone like this. No excuse. It really bothers me because I care for them and it hurts to see how she's all alone. Thank you very much tho we all try to find good in people but this is not in this situation.
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I agree with JoAnn, as usual. As kind as you are, you have no ability to do anything legal for this couple. However, document what you see and hear. Before you clean again, take photos of the bathroom and any other rooms that are less than tidy. If the wife says anything to you about having issues caring for her husband, document that as well. If you can, get the daughter’s contact information to give to APS. But don’t contact her. She sounds like the sort who would make a frantic trip to their house, do a quick fix up and then disappear again. On the other hand, is it possible her mother is telling her everything is ok and she need ‘t worry?
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You need to call Adult Protection Services. Its nice you try to help but the county needs to get involved. If daughter doesn't step up the county will need to take guardianship and get them care. Legally you can do nothing not being a relative.
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Thank you so much for your quick reply. I will look into that. Thank you so much!
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