Mom is getting mad at me because she can't tell me what she wants. I'm frustrated, what can I do?

Yes, she has already seen one. Thank you though. I appreciate the suggestion.

Lmmccarthy, you should see an eldercare lawyer about placing mom's money in a special needs trust for your sibs.

Im in the same boat. When i took care of my own mother 10 years ago, i had 2 siblings, but may as well have been the only child. I was Severely abused by my mother as a child and adolescent. Even as a young adult. As far as that goes, years of counseling really helped. I was the sole caregiver to the last breath. Therw were times when she got abusive and ugly. I knew it was the stages of death. I used to say to her that she was being very unfair. That she needed to look around her to see just who was there. It took time, but one day sheapologized, really apologized. When i got angry I used to take my shears and prune the crap out of everything in my walkway. It helped. She was only 59. In the end i was the only one there. I did what i had to do but i did it for me. I became the mother to her that she never was to me. Now i have my MIL. Man arw the days when i wish i could ship her 98 year old butt back to England. She's almost deaf and is forgetful. OMG ! She's healthy otherwise, but is MISERABLE! You know how they say misery loves company? Yeah. Not going on that ride! I have started taking a Yoga class and getting a massage every 2 weeks. I have to remember to take care of me. No smiles here for appearance sake. Just for me.
h
Have you tried music? The soothing music that could take her to her happy place. My MIL hates music. Says it isn't the same so i put on music for me. Whether she likes it or not. Just sayin. I feel you!

Is she has trouble speaking, a picture board may work well. It is frustrating for her not to be able to express herself & I'm sure it's frustrating for you too. If she has dementia, them some of her behavior could be dementia related. Sounds like you can use a little support, call your local area agency on aging, they have a caregiver support program for caregivers just like you. They also have programs that could help your mom in her home if she is eligible. If there are other family, let them know you need help; ask if they are willing to stay with mom for a few hours occasionally or go to the supermarket for you. You don't have to smile or see bluebirds, caregiving is not an easy job, especially when our loved ones have declined and are unable to help themselves or communicate well. Don't give up, take care of yourself even if it's 15 minutes at a time do something just for you. I'm a caregiver too, so I know how difficult it can be. You are not alone, even when it feels that way. Think of how she used to be and keep that alive in your heart.

Pargirl is right. The key word is 'journey'. A journey has a beginning and an end. Sad to say that, but hopefully we'll all look back at a happy moment or two, and forget the struggles along the way. Peace to all !

A lot of times what is in elders' minds, doesn't come out of their lips.

Yes, I agree with Laura. It sounds like your mom would qualify for Medicaid but they might have to "spend down" her money until it is gone before she would be able to go on Medicaid. I did not want the nursing home to spend down all of my mom's money, not because I hope to inherit any of it, but because I have 2 mentally ill siblings that will inherit it.

I meant MedicAid... Not Medicare.

It's amazing how abusive a dementia patent can be. Because of your mom's low income, she likely qualifies for a Medicare Nursing Home. Please look into it. You deserve a break and a more normal existence. I will be praying for you!

The Alzheimer's Association has great information and PDFs to help you with all kinds of issues. I recently joined and go to a support group. This month they handed out a PDF called "effective communication strategies". See if you can find it at their website www.alz.org - select the state you live in and find a support group. It helped me tremendously.

Flash cards are a great idea if dementia is not involved. It could be that she points to coffee when she really wants a fork. I totally agree with the fact that each visit is very different and that NO one can tell you what is best for you and your mother/loved one. This site does give great ideas you can take, pick and choose which ones work for you and your situation. I have left my mom's facility (and sometimes my dad's) crying and screaming in the car. Don't feel bad about it. We are only humans in a very difficult situation. It's truly a journey.

If your mom has dementia,it is normal behaviour especially if you've always taken care of her in one way or another,my mom was like this when we put her in a home with my sister,a year later she loves both of so much,we could do no wrong.It's a strange disease and it can really be heartbreaking and frustrating,if she's verbally abusive just tell her you don't need this and walk out,come back next visit things could change.I wish you all the luck it's very challenging and yes it robs you of your normal lifestyle.Good luck

Forgot this part: screw the Disney image of sainthood. Cut yourself some slack, consider Mom is a 'client', and refuse to have those buttons activated. If you currently can't change your situation, sing a song in your head, or use another distraction. YOU are caring for her bodily needs, and daily need to remind yourself that you are currently choosing to do this because in your heart it is the right thing to do. IF some situational escape route becomes available, you are then empowered to choose another plan of care. Don't let your mind and emotions beat you up further for being the good-guy. Yes, it hurts, and it sucks. Like me, you are trying to make sense out of something that never will. STOP ! Do not accept the nonsense, because that's what it is. We did not create nor raise our parents, nor were we able top help them out of their adult mental miseries. We will never have the parents we hoped for. We are also adults, and need not to carry their emotional baggage. As many have said here, distance helps. From my experience, it probably will never happen for me. How, then do I/we/you face another day? It then becomes a mind game, pure and simple. Please let us know how you are doing.

u sure can't walk around pretending that what happens to you is wonderful. it isn't. And I wouldn't even give her the option of responding to her. Just let her holler; YOU know you changed her pad, gave her water, she is dry, comfortable, fed. So she is probably just venting the only way she can; by hollering at you cause SHE can't do anything herself and SHE knows it. Sometimes I try to imitate what my mom can't do anymore and I can see why she gets angry; mostly at herself cause SHE can't do what she use to do. Just imagine: can't even wipe self anymore. How embarrassing it that. Hang in there and if you have family members who can give you some relief; take it and run.

Sucks to be us ! But we are here. Sometimes all the 'get help' comments don't work because it's just not there. (Welcome to my world.) Sophe509 has a great idea I'd like to expand: MAKE BIG FLASH CARDS. Plate of food. Cup of coffee. Toilet bowl. Washcloth with bubbly soap. TV. Radio -or- music notes. Cold. Hot. etc. Heck- we should market that ! On an unrelated note: do you have pets? Has she had pets in the past? How 'bout a lap dog or kitten? My daughter brought Gma here a small maltese-mix rescue pup. Gives her something to do/complain about/get distracted with that doesn't revolve around me. (We already have two dogs, they are larger and not lap-type.) Just a thought. And yes, you need a break to regroup what wits you have left. Go to your local Health Dept. and get their list of services. Call everybody, even if they tell you you don't qualify...they may have a lead. I'm still working on it...and Mom's been here for five years, and has NO assets besides SS.

Bluebirds, smile on your face?? Where is this wonderful world others are talking about?? It's never fun to be criticized or yelled at by anyone. My mother NEVER uttered a cuss word until this crappy disease took her mind and then she would let it rip on my dad whenever he didn't do exactly what she thought she wanted. He didn't even know she knew some of the words that came out of her mouth. I remember my mom telling me years ago when she was taking care of her mother with dementia not to take abuse. Her mother was very sweet until she got the disease and then a switch turns on with this new vocabulary and personality (however, I also know that it can go the other way too. Mean and abusive personalities can turn ultra sweet). We were visiting with her one day and she started getting abusive. My mom looked at her and said I'm not taking this, got her purse and we walked out. If you can't afford day help try this technique. It's not going to change her but it will help with your anger. Just remove yourself from the situation. Be her advocate so she will stay safe and you will know medically what needs to be done but as far as abuse you just don't need to be the one to take it. Plus the fact, you are the one she's going to take it out on. It might be that she needs someone else....neutral and you can just come in for a short visit. My mom doesn't talk anymore and on hospice so I know that my visits probably mean more to me than her but I keep them short, just hold her hand and do little talking. It takes a while to figure everything out and your new relationship. Just remember you don't have to take the abusive behavior anymore. Good Luck and God Bless

yeah my mom gave the house and land to my two younger half sisters a long time ago they already sold it before mom got sick as far as any money if there was any at all they would all be around problem is the only money is ssi and disability which comes to less than 700. a month I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters who never even bother to call much less come by I have actually had to sale my expedition and buy a cheaper car just to cover bills ----I just keep thinking ok she has me to do this but I dont have anyone I do not have kids no savings nothing basically I feel SCREWED

I noticed you said you WISH your sibs would step up. Wishing is out. Call and say, let me know which weekend can you take mom? Stay on the phone and push for dates. Then keep confirming the dates until you get mom over there. Pack everything -- her clothes, toiletries, slippers, etc, write out her meds schedule, what she will eat, won't eat, pack her fav snacks.It's like having a toddler One weekend and they will see how hard it is. I take my mom on some weekends and I will be the first to say, I hate it. It's fine during the day, I work my butt off to entertain her, make her laugh and keep her occupied. But she watches the sun and when it starts to go down she becomes unraveled and laments about how she has to go home. Then she cries and cries. Now nothing works and trying to stop the crying is exhausting. I said all that to say, if you can get your mom to as many sib's houses for a weekend each, they will see how hard it is and hopefully reach out to help you a little more. Keep asking. You MUST get a break soon before you end up breaking and then no on will be there to take care of mom. Caregiving is easy for NO ONE. Best wishes.

If she's just being contrary, don't try to guess - MAKE her tell you or she just won't get what she needs from you. No need to make yourself crazy!

If she's having trouble articulating, make her up some "flashcards" with words and/or pictures - milk, coffee, juice, sandwich, bathroom, tv, book, chair....whatever her typical needs and wants are.

I can totally relate to what you are feeling even though I was not abused by my mom. Sometimes due to the dementia she is unable to articulate her words very well, and due to the changes in her brain I don't even think she really knows what she wants. She basically has regressed to the age of a two year old, and two year olds aren't able to articulate what they want. I agree that sometimes our loved ones get frustrated and end up taking it out on us. And sometimes we get frustrated being the caregivers (and especially if we are the sole caregivers) and end up getting angry and losing our temper with the loved ones that we are caring for! That is why we must give ourselves a break realizing that we are not superwomen. We deserve a little respite every now and then to recharge our batteries. We are allowed to go through the whole gamut of emotions we are feeling. And yes, sometimes we even get angry! As long as we are not verbally or physically abusing our loved ones I think it is only healthy to express our feelings every now and then. That doesn't make you a bad person at all! It means that you are human. However, obviously if you have a good support network or someone that you can talk to from time to time that would be beneficial as well, even if you have to find a caregiver support group! It is a shame that your other siblings can't or don't want to help out with the caregiving responsibilities. In my case, my other siblings live too far away. So I have enlisted the help of some home health aides to give be a break and provide respite care if only for a few hours a week. However, I would not hesitate to place my mom in a nursing home for a weekend or even a week if I needed a vacation! Finally, I have discovered that no one can really tell you what is right for you to do in your circumstances. What you decide to do with your mom, whether it is placing her in a facility or taking care of her yourself - that is something only you can decide. Don't let anyone try and tell you what is best for you. Only you know what is best for you and your mom. In my case there was nothing that made me more mad than people telling me I should place my mom in a nursing home when I felt that the best thing in our situation was to move her in with us! The fact that you were abused is significant though, and if you feel that due to the circumstances your anger might get the best of you, then by all means there is no shame in placing your mom in a nursing home! You have a right to live your life and to make your own decisions based on what is best for you. You are under no obligation to take care of your mom, but only you can make that decision. I trust that because you have the sense enough to come here and vent and walk away when she makes you mad that you are more than capable of making that decision yourself. Best of luck to you!

You have sibs? They need to step up and help you NOW. You are (and should be) angry with them too. I can feel that you are holding a lot in (the comment about bluebirds around the head -- I can relate!) First talk out some things with an understanding counselor. Then, get legal advice. Discuss your elder's assets like a house, bank accounts, ect. If you are benefitting solely, then you are probably stuck as caregiver. If a will defines you and sibs as receiving equally, then they must share in the elder's care equally whether it's by shared caregiving time or will they send money for respite care?

I hear of more and more persons who are the SOLE caregiver when there are sibs involved and the lack of cooperation amazes me. I'm an only and have done a combination of direct care, then when military assignment put me across country a Long Term Health Care policy was purchased. That's been the "help" for now but it does have a limit and will run out. I've pretty well figured out that there will not be any "inheritance" because it's always gone for the elder's care. Don't screw up your life for some inheritance of money or stuff. Don't let anyone "guilt" you or even fall for a lot of noble promising. I fell for that decades ago and now I'm approaching AARP age, the elder is still mean, is in her 90's and I do not see a light at the end of this tunnel. Don't get stuck and waste precious years caring for someone who was mean to you to begin with.

I agree that people who've been abused as children have paid their dues and generally everyone is better off with more outside care for their aging parents.

Your mother can't help what the stroke did to her, but your shared past makes this far worse than it would be otherwise. You shouldn't subject yourself to guilt or let anyone place guilt on you. Outside help - at the least in-home services but more likely facility placement - would put you more in control of when/how you can relate to your mom.

You're human, not bad. Please read this complete thread. We're behind you.
Carol

Some famous psychiatrist said that those of us who have been abused by our parents should not be caring for them in their old age. It's not just that we might take out latent rage on them, it's more like their abuse is continuing just as we thought we were out of that stage of life. The abuse continues, but we've already paid our dues. Do you know what I mean?

I think you need to find her a placement, even if it's a not so perfect place that Medicaid pays for. You are angry and need this for your mental health.

I know she has had strokes that have had an effect on her speech ---But unfortunately my mom has always been like that ---its just sometimes I really need a break from it . And sometimes just start feeling sorry for myself wishing one of my siblings would step in for a weekend --I would love a weekend in st Augustine again .

Thank you everyone for the feed back and the chance to rant and whine lol much love to all

I know she has had strokes that have had an effect on her speech ---But unfortunately my mom has always been like that ---its just sometimes I really need a break from it . And sometimes just start feeling sorry for myself wishing one of my siblings would step in for a weekend --I would love a weekend in st Augustine again .

Oh my goodness! Who thinks that you should be smiling and happy as you do this? You're allowed to feel angry, sad, mad as all get out and want to spit nails!!! You need some time off. Do you have the ability to arrange that?

RESPITE. you need it now, more than you know. God bless.

She may have lost the use of words. Use a picture page with simple pictures of all the essentials...she can point. Sometimes, when language leaves us, what's left is a type of automatic speech. Automatic speech is like what you say when you stub your toe (d@mmit) or are really shocked (O Shat!). May be that's where Kiss my a$$ is coming from. I have trained myself to say "Mercy" when I'm shocked or hurt. I figure if a stroke or dementia takes my speech, at least I'll be able to blurt out "Mercy! Mercy!" :-)

Is this your real mother talking, or is it the dementia? Would your mother have said "kiss my a**" to you a few years ago, before she had dementia? Would she have made you guess what she wanted?

And, actually, no you won't do what she wants. Because what she wants and cannot articulate, is to be whole, to be well, to have the world make sense, to NOT HAVE DEMENTIA. And you can't do that for her. (And neither can anybody else.) So she is mad. You are handy. You are the one offering to help her. So she takes her anger out on you. If she was also a mean personality before she got dementia, you are getting a double whammy.

At the very least, you need some respite, some regular time away to recharge your batteries and get back in touch with the real world.

Also, joining a caregivers support group might help. Nobody there will be expecting bluebirds surrounding your head!

And maybe it is time to reconsider Mom's living arrangement, with either in-home help or placement in a care center. If you ever have had a good relationship with her you'd have a better chance at reestablishing that if you are the visiting loving daughter and not the full-time hands-on caregiver.

Best wishes to you. Keep in touch and let us know how this is working out for you.