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I make sure she has everything I can think of food drink covers clean diapers. I told her if she can tell me what she needs I will do it she says no I wont then told me to kiss her a@# --at this point I was frustrated and told her she needed to remember who had to change that A@# a walked out I FEEL LIKE I have put my whole life on hold and everybody expects me to keep doing this with a smile on my lips and bluebirds flying around my head

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I agree that people who've been abused as children have paid their dues and generally everyone is better off with more outside care for their aging parents.

Your mother can't help what the stroke did to her, but your shared past makes this far worse than it would be otherwise. You shouldn't subject yourself to guilt or let anyone place guilt on you. Outside help - at the least in-home services but more likely facility placement - would put you more in control of when/how you can relate to your mom.

You're human, not bad. Please read this complete thread. We're behind you.
Carol
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Is this your real mother talking, or is it the dementia? Would your mother have said "kiss my a**" to you a few years ago, before she had dementia? Would she have made you guess what she wanted?

And, actually, no you won't do what she wants. Because what she wants and cannot articulate, is to be whole, to be well, to have the world make sense, to NOT HAVE DEMENTIA. And you can't do that for her. (And neither can anybody else.) So she is mad. You are handy. You are the one offering to help her. So she takes her anger out on you. If she was also a mean personality before she got dementia, you are getting a double whammy.

At the very least, you need some respite, some regular time away to recharge your batteries and get back in touch with the real world.

Also, joining a caregivers support group might help. Nobody there will be expecting bluebirds surrounding your head!

And maybe it is time to reconsider Mom's living arrangement, with either in-home help or placement in a care center. If you ever have had a good relationship with her you'd have a better chance at reestablishing that if you are the visiting loving daughter and not the full-time hands-on caregiver.

Best wishes to you. Keep in touch and let us know how this is working out for you.
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She may have lost the use of words. Use a picture page with simple pictures of all the essentials...she can point. Sometimes, when language leaves us, what's left is a type of automatic speech. Automatic speech is like what you say when you stub your toe (d@mmit) or are really shocked (O Shat!). May be that's where Kiss my a$$ is coming from. I have trained myself to say "Mercy" when I'm shocked or hurt. I figure if a stroke or dementia takes my speech, at least I'll be able to blurt out "Mercy! Mercy!" :-)
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Oh my goodness! Who thinks that you should be smiling and happy as you do this? You're allowed to feel angry, sad, mad as all get out and want to spit nails!!! You need some time off. Do you have the ability to arrange that?
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Some famous psychiatrist said that those of us who have been abused by our parents should not be caring for them in their old age. It's not just that we might take out latent rage on them, it's more like their abuse is continuing just as we thought we were out of that stage of life. The abuse continues, but we've already paid our dues. Do you know what I mean?

I think you need to find her a placement, even if it's a not so perfect place that Medicaid pays for. You are angry and need this for your mental health.
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I know she has had strokes that have had an effect on her speech ---But unfortunately my mom has always been like that ---its just sometimes I really need a break from it . And sometimes just start feeling sorry for myself wishing one of my siblings would step in for a weekend --I would love a weekend in st Augustine again .
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I noticed you said you WISH your sibs would step up. Wishing is out. Call and say, let me know which weekend can you take mom? Stay on the phone and push for dates. Then keep confirming the dates until you get mom over there. Pack everything -- her clothes, toiletries, slippers, etc, write out her meds schedule, what she will eat, won't eat, pack her fav snacks.It's like having a toddler One weekend and they will see how hard it is. I take my mom on some weekends and I will be the first to say, I hate it. It's fine during the day, I work my butt off to entertain her, make her laugh and keep her occupied. But she watches the sun and when it starts to go down she becomes unraveled and laments about how she has to go home. Then she cries and cries. Now nothing works and trying to stop the crying is exhausting. I said all that to say, if you can get your mom to as many sib's houses for a weekend each, they will see how hard it is and hopefully reach out to help you a little more. Keep asking. You MUST get a break soon before you end up breaking and then no on will be there to take care of mom. Caregiving is easy for NO ONE. Best wishes.
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RESPITE. you need it now, more than you know. God bless.
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Thank you everyone for the feed back and the chance to rant and whine lol much love to all
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You have sibs? They need to step up and help you NOW. You are (and should be) angry with them too. I can feel that you are holding a lot in (the comment about bluebirds around the head -- I can relate!) First talk out some things with an understanding counselor. Then, get legal advice. Discuss your elder's assets like a house, bank accounts, ect. If you are benefitting solely, then you are probably stuck as caregiver. If a will defines you and sibs as receiving equally, then they must share in the elder's care equally whether it's by shared caregiving time or will they send money for respite care?

I hear of more and more persons who are the SOLE caregiver when there are sibs involved and the lack of cooperation amazes me. I'm an only and have done a combination of direct care, then when military assignment put me across country a Long Term Health Care policy was purchased. That's been the "help" for now but it does have a limit and will run out. I've pretty well figured out that there will not be any "inheritance" because it's always gone for the elder's care. Don't screw up your life for some inheritance of money or stuff. Don't let anyone "guilt" you or even fall for a lot of noble promising. I fell for that decades ago and now I'm approaching AARP age, the elder is still mean, is in her 90's and I do not see a light at the end of this tunnel. Don't get stuck and waste precious years caring for someone who was mean to you to begin with.
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