I've been taking care of my mother-in-law for going on 3 months. She has had 4 strokes since 2009 her last 2 strokes occurred on March of this yr. This job was basically forced on me because my husband refused to put her in a home & his brother & his wife want nothing to do with it. My husband & I fought over this prior to her coming here after rehab because she needs too much care (24/7) & it would be too much on me with my medical conditions (thoracic outlet syndrome & degenerative disc disease). My husband wanted to take on the responsibility but I told him that he knew it would all be put on me because he works & I don't due to retirement disability. Plus I attend college 2-5 days a week. He promised it wouldn't all be put on me & that I wouldn't have to quit school but after she got here in April he realized that this job was an all day job & after telling me to sign up for my class and me paying $800.00 he asked me to drop it. I told him I will not drop my fall course. She is incapable of doing anything at all & the best & shortest way to describe it is that I'm caring for a 200 lb newborn baby. She has to be lifted out of bed & lifted out of her recliner everytime she says she has to go to the bathroom. I don't think she really knows though because she'll ask me if she went as I'm wiping her & her diaper is so heavily saturated everytime. She urinates so much it goes right through her diaper and even through a 100% waterproof mattress protector (at least it says it's 100% waterproof). I'm washing her bedclothes & night gowns everyday all day & my house now smells like urine. She just sits in a recliner all day calling me for everything. My husband rarely does anything except all the grocery shopping because I can't leave since she can't be left alone. To get her out of bed I have to pull her upper body up at the same time my other arm is wrapped around her legs twisting her lower body to get her legs over the edge of the bed & then would have to lift her up to her feet & it was hurting my back too much. She only has the strength to stand once you lift her to her feet but not on her own. I'm only 5'2 110 lbs (was 120 lbs but lost 10 lbs since she's been here). I now make my husband wake her up & get her out of bed before he leaves for work in the morning which is at 5 am if she's not already up. She's usually up at 3 am screaming our names waking all of us up to go to the bathroom even though she's soaked from urinating all night in bed. She doesn't get into bed until 8pm but doesn't fall asleep until 11pm or later. I can't go to bed until after she falls asleep because she drops the tv remote & calls me, she needs her pillow fixed when she slides down the bed, she needs her private areas scratched (yes I have to do that also) & she blasts the tv so loud that you can't hear any other tv in the house. If you turn your volume up it just turns into a battle of who can get their tv the loudest so I'm only getting 4 hrs sleep and taking care of her 20 hrs a day. Even when my husband is home he just sits there & watches me do it all. When I ask him to do it he gets an attitude. I just don't know what to do. I told him that when he's home he needs to take care of her because this was his decision & he wanted to take on the responsibility not me but he's never home because he works so much now. As bad as her physical health is she knows what's going on & her mental health is not perfect but she is able to make her own decisions just not care for herself. She does forget things but she knows what she's doing. My whole day consists of waiting on her hand & foot all day just sitting here waiting for my name to be called. I can't go out & cut my grass or even play with my 11 yr old son in the pool like every summer prior. I can't even talk on the phone without having to hang right up because she needs something. I'm lucky to eat 3 meals a week because I pretty much gave up on eating since every single time she'll call me to go to the bathroom while I'm in the middle of eating & it takes 8 minutes just to get her 10 ft to the bathroom so the whole bathroom fiasco takes 20 minutes & by then I lose my appetite. She slid out of her chair and sat on the floor when I was trying to take her to the bathroom & laughed. I tried 3 times to lift her but she wouldn't even try to help. I hurt my ribs, back, & tore something in my right breast & have a big lump now with pain shooting through it & because of this my son missed his school bus & I couldn't leave to take him so he missed school altogether. After 3 attempts I had to call 911 to come pick her up & they did then left. Just the other day she fell off the transfer chair in the bath while I was trying to get her out & again my husband wasn't here so I had to lift her out. I'm miserable. My house is no longer my home. I'm just a slave in my own home. I just don't know what to do.

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There are things you can do. When your husband comes home, take your car keys, tell him that it's his mother, he wipes her ass from here on out and you will not be returning. Then work on a formal separation or divorce. I don't see therapy helping with his attitude an views. You are not a slave and you ain't responsible for her and her care. If you don't have a separate bank account, get one and put your pension and disability in there.
Helpful Answer (29)

So sorry. You need an aide. Take the cost out of MILs SS if she gets it. If she has no money, call Medicaid and see if they will evaluate her for help. You are going to ruin your back. Your health should not be suffering. Can you give husband an ultimatum? You or her. Is she on a water pill? Maybe ask the doctor if she can cut back.

I'll tell you what some here will tell you. Set boundries. Both with MIL and husband. Tell her what you are willing to do and him too. My Mom only weighted 135, I can't imagine caring for a 200lb woman. Ask her doctor what she should be capable of doing? Ask if she can have therapy at home. They usually have aides. The therapist will evaluate and tell her what she can do on her own. Same with hospice and yor MIL may qualify. You would get an aide, free diapers etc. There are bars that hang over the end of the headboard. She can pull herself up to a sitting position. There are small side bars she can use to pull herself up. Put in "pull up bar for a bed". You should see what I am talking about. You may want to tell hubby that if you damage your back u won't be able to do anything.
Helpful Answer (6)

Good idea to get control of YOUR OWN money. Whatever happens, that would mean you have some resources. Your husband is probably one of those antiquated men who think that the is what wives (women in general) are for. Does he in fact value his marriage? Do you? A period of separation might force the issue, since I doubt he'll do much now since the problem, from his perspective, is taken care of. It sounds like your health is in danger (back trouble is real trouble). Since he advised you to enroll in college and you have paid all that money, then why not go ahead and do it? Does he understand that caring for someone in MIL's condition really takes nursing home staff? No way can one person do it. If he wants to avoid nursing home, then does he understand how much it will cost to hire care? Frankly what you are going through sounds like abuse. I shouldn't think that you could be held responsible for abandonment since MIL is your husband's responsibility.
Helpful Answer (15)


Good points, but there is a child involved. The MIL knows this and it probably partly explains her attitude as well as the husband taking on more hours of work so he can spend as many hours away from home as possible.
Helpful Answer (8)

The child part didn't register with me but she can take the child and still tell the husband to p#ss off and he now has to take care of his mom without her. Then it's up to hubby to figure out how to care for his mom. Being without a spouse or a boyfriend/girlfriend isn't the end of the world.
Helpful Answer (17)

Ok, Why can't she scratch her own privates??!??! I'll be damded if I.......never mind, sorry.

I can't believe you told hubby no and he overroad you and brought her there, and dropped her at your feet, anyway.

I'm sorry Love, there's no respect, compromise nor consideration there. Leave.
Helpful Answer (21)

I couldn't fit everything into my first post. Sorry. We can't force her into a home because she's deemed capable of making her own decisions & refuses to go. We can't afford homecare at 7000.00 a month for 40 hrs a week 5 days a week for when I'm in school & she doesn't qualify for Medicaid because she gets 3000.00 a month in pay but she stopped paying her bills a yr ago & owes tens of thousands of dollars in credit cards and utilities plus thousands in state & federal taxes for not having them taken out of her pay. Her meds are over 500.00 a month & we're spending 500.00 a week in groceries for her not to mention all the bags of diapers because she goes through 1 bag a day.

We've had a social worker here and she said there's nothing we can do if she refuses going into a home since she's been deemed mentally capable of making her own decisions. Her doctor won't even get her out of her wheelchair when she's there because it's to hard and he never examines her. Just talks to her for 5 minutes then says she progressing even after we told him it's getting harder by the day to care for her because walking her gets worse by the day. She's not capable of doing anything and that's not an exaggeration. She can't even cover herself with a blanket, take a lid off of a styrofoam cup, or even open a can or bottle of soda. After rehab the facility sent nurses and therapists to our house but they quit because she couldn't do anything and wasn't getting better just worse plus she told them she's perfectly fine with what I'm doing and how I'm doing it.

Her doctor recently sent a nurse to the house because she has compression sores and the nurse did absolutely nothing but tell me what to do which I told her I can't do it because I can't get her out of bed & she would have to lay in bed for me to tend to her sores. The nurse told me she'd order cream for the sores but I'd have to figure something out to care for them. Her sores are in areas that you have to lay her down and spread her legs & are impossible to get to when she's standing.

She has no use of her left arm and hand and her right is weak. She can't pull herself up we have to lift her. She has a medical bed with bars on each side to help herself pull herself up but she can't. My husband and I already discussed my back problems and me going to my doctor and he knows if I do it's over. He's been calling homes but again she refuses and we can't force her. She wants to go back to her house but doesn't want to pay for homecare and I already told her that I can't and won't run to her house everytime she calls for a drink, to go to the bathroom, or for whatever and I wasn't moving into her house. I've told her that once my back goes it's over because my husband can't quit his job or take off. I tell her everytime to stop leaning back and pulling on me because if my arms give out and she goes down and gets hurt she's going to end up back in the hospital. She just changes the subject.

Yes! My husband gets an attitude when he has to do it. He thought with therapy that she would get better when she wasn't much better prior to these 2 strokes and he now sees how hard it is and that we can't do anything together because of this situation. His kicking himself in the ass now because she refuses to go into a home and not one nurse, therapist, doctor, or social worker will say that she has to go. My husband has to take off of work everytime she has to go to the doctors and we can't afford him taking off. While waiting for my husband's POA to go through it cost us 4000.00 the first 3 weeks she was here because she only has Medicare and they didn't cover everything she needed. The rehab facility rated her as a 6 after these strokes which means they medically declared that she would progress and get better. I don't know how they determined that considering she was just as bad as she is now when she was there but they pretty much kicked her out of there because she was wiggling out of bed trying to escape always screaming help and she kept harassing the nurses. They took her nurse button and phone away. What can we do if everyone is declaring there is nothing we can do because after their evacuation they say if this is what she wants then this is how it has to be?
Helpful Answer (2)

We have separate accounts but I don't get much on retirement disability and if he can't work then I can't get child support.
Helpful Answer (3)

Why do you think that because MIL is able to say "NO" that that ties your hands? She may want this, but you don't. As a competent adult she has control over herself, but NOT over you! This is going to sound harsh, but you can evict her. You can call APS and tell them she is a vulnerable adult, you are not able safely to care for her (your medical problem) and your husband has to work.
Helpful Answer (26)

And my husband is working so much because he just got promoted and is scheduled to work that much. Like I said, my first post I couldn't put everything in there.
Helpful Answer (5)

We did call APS to have her evaluated and they said she was capable of making her own decisions and she's not at risk since we are caring for her.
Helpful Answer (2)

Start eviction proceedings tomorrow, first thing.

Stand up for yourself.

If she is over on the income for Medicaid, your husband can sign her up for a Miller Trust.

She wasn't paying her bills? Does that sound like a person who is capable of making her own decisions? Get her in for a neuropsy evaluation, the kind with 6 hours of paper and pencil testing.
Helpful Answer (19)

She has no right to force you to provide a roof over her head and slave service. If she has her own home to go to then pack her and her belongings up and drop her happy ass off at her own house. Then you can call aps and let them figure out what to do with her. Government agencies like aps has a habit of trying to guilt family members into caring for loved ones even at the detriment to your health. (Personal Experience) They have no authority to do so. You’ve got to be blunt or they will try to claim that it’s your legal duty to care for her. know your rights-contact an attorney if needed. Oftentimes you can get a thirty minute free consultation with them) Or if she ever goes back into the hospital for any reason, refuse to take any responsibility whatsoever for her. They will contact social services to place her.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your story is very very similar to my own.
Helpful Answer (14)

I bet the first time hubs has to scratch her privates he will run screaming from the house. I know I would... And that would stop really fast. When she calls for you,, delay, delay , delay... food on schedule, potty on schedule ( sorry about those soaked diapers.. cover the furniture or only let her sit in one chair) If you can't lift her and she falls again,,, 911 it is. MAybe she or hubs will get embarrassed by the calls, or the fees for them if this continues.
Helpful Answer (11)

I noticed that your MIL responded to you when you told her “to stop leaning back and pulling on me because if my arms give out and she goes down and gets hurt she's going to end up back in the hospital. She just changes the subject.” I think that maybe you need to reinforce that line of thinking to your MIL. Tell you MIL repeatedly that if you get hurt that you will not be able to take care of her. If you dislocate or injury your shoulder, your will definitely NOT be able to take care of your MIL.

Since APS has pushed the problem back into your lap, you and your husband need to talk with an Elder Care Attorney and see what your options are.
One of the biggest problems with bringing a family member into your house to take care of them is that you can’t get rid of them just by opening up the front door and asking them to leave.

On a lighter note: Your situation remains me of the 1942 movie “The Man Who Came to Dinner” about a New York radio personality who slips on the icy steps of the house of a prominent Ohio family, and insists on recuperating in their home during the Christmas holidays. The overbearing, self-centered celebrity soon comes to dominate the lives of the residents and everyone else who enters the household. Meanwhile, his spinster assistant finds herself attracted to a local newspaperman. {Maybe you can rent this movie on Amazon or wherever and watch it. You might find that by crying and laughing at the shenanigans of the New York radio personality will give you some emotional relief from the stress of taking care of your MIL.}
Helpful Answer (6)

Im sorry. this sounds like a complete nightmare. eventually you will hurt yourself caring for someone so large and someone who sounds like they have given up.
even with her weight she should be trying to get better. how depressing for you and for her too.

my MIL had a stroke twice and while I haven't seen her in a long time,(live in different city) my husband says she supposed to do her own PT so that she can help regain her strength in her arms etc. But she just gets mad and wont try.

your MIL needs to improve her life. not just depend on everyone else. like you said she is like a 200lb baby.

I don't think you stated how old she is, but she needs to improve her quality of life good grief! who would voluntarily want to live like that. having someone change your wet pants and scratch your privates. just pathetic on her part. sorry.

has the dr told her she is supposed to try to get stronger and get mobile again, ever?

someone sounds a little spoiled I would be so embarrassed to intrude on another persons life and expect them to wait on me hand and foot.

**I understand some people can not help being in her position because of their HEALTH** because maybe I don't know all her medical history

but if shes able to she should start a diet and start exercising even if its from a chair. just like those people on the TV 600lb life

you're working your ass off for someone who doesn't even care for themselves.
why should u care about someone who doesn't care about themselves.? she should be thanking you each and every day. and apologizing for having you be in this situation.

im sorry, my rant is a little all over the place.

but even if she a screamer and a demander someone needs to tell her she's DONE MAKING her own rules. if you are going to take care of her, gonna be on YOUR RULES.

put her on a diet and lose weight - exercise, get stronger some way some how!

if I had to take care of my MIL I wouldn't be able to do what you are doing. my MIL is a PILL too. very demanding and refuses to go to a nursing home of any sort. I swear if I get like that im not expecting people to treat me like im some sort of queen. again I apologize I know I didn't help. please if I make any one mad, its just my opinion.
Helpful Answer (11)

I totally agree with the previous comments.

Miserable, thank you for continuing to update and add info. I know you don't want to leave your husband. Of course not. But what he did to you was awful. Regardless of how regretful he is now.

I really want to know why you are letting her control you, your child, finances, health, husband and whether or not you get an education? Plus she stink up your house like piss?!?

You can't be a door mat if you don't lie down. You're getting the royal screwing by this family. Don't continue to let it happen.

I understand they are your in-laws, but this isn't how your life should be right now. (Unless you want it to be, which you don't.)

No one's going to get you out of this but you. So, if you're serious, have her son bring her home. He can help her from there. And he won't miss any work. Leave her numbers for home health aide agencies, and get back to your lives.

You tried, it didn't work. Plan B now. His family should have nothing negative to say because they ran for the hills. Lol.

Good luck and keep us posted, we're her for you🌹
Helpful Answer (8)

MiseryInMD, please read rovana's post again. And show it to your husband. And read it again. Others here have said the same thing, and her comes another echo:

Your MIL is competent to make her own decisions. She is not authorized to make your decisions. She can decide she doesn't want to go to a nursing home. Fine. But you can decide she is not living in your house. She can "decide" to live in a 5 star hotel, with all meals served in her room. But if she can't afford it, the decision is meaningless. Her "decision" to live with you is meaningless if you don't decide to support that decision.

Start eviction proceedings, now. Look into what is required in your municipality, such as how much notice you must give, etc. Follow the requirements to the letter. Get her out of your home.

You don't have to abandon her. Once she is settled somewhere else your family and visit her and advocate for her.

This assumes your husband has seen the light and is also wanting her to leave.

If that is not the case, and he insists on keeping her there even though that is not what is best for ANY of you, then see a divorce lawyer. Don't do something rash, like leaving the home. You definitely don't want to be charged with abandonment! Don't do anything that will make life more difficult for you. Before you take any steps in that direction, consult an experienced divorce lawyer.

I think those are your options.

1) With your husband, work on removing his mother from your home


2) With a lawyer, work on dissolving the marriage. Do no caring for his mother while this process is underway.

Many people greatly underestimate the work and stress involved in caring for an impaired adult. Your husband may have seriously believed that you wouldn't be saddled with the work. But he was wrong. Not evil, but wrong. One way or another, this mistake must be fixed.
Helpful Answer (17)

Maybe contemplating divorce is a bit harsh; though your husband HAS been pretty mean/uncaring to you about this... My husband says take your child and tell your husband you will be somewhere (friend's house, motel, something) for say, a week, and let him cope; he will have her in a nursing home asap! If you use this option, make sure you have finances, though make it plain you're just taking a break, not burning any bridges....
Helpful Answer (10)

Ditto what everyone else is saying. Take care of your back. I'm debilitated by transferring my father, same weight. It takes an unbelievable toll on your health.

One thought occurred to me, why not just finesse the situation a bit? Go to your doctor
and get your back trouble evaluated. Inform them of your care giving duties that are
causing your injuries, and essentially get a note from your doctor that you need to
cease with transferring/moving your MIL, essentially you are legally and legitimately
unable to continue.

Forget what APS and her doctors say. I went through the same thing, just rubber stamping whatever the cared for person wants, whether or not it was realistic, regardless of the toll on the caregiver. They're too busy and just want to move to the

So just get your note to cease and desist caregiving, and then take a little vacay with your son and let your hubby deal with her. Give him some notice so he can take the time off. I'll bet this will force this issue very quickly. Let her go to the hospital and then refuse her to return. Maybe get her on some waitlists now for care homes that take Medicaid.

You can't keep doing this without doing yourself lasting harm. As well as lasting harm to
your relationship with your son. As well as harm to your finances. It's a total no go!!!!

Very best of luck to you!! Take care of yourself, there's only one you!! :)
Helpful Answer (16)

OMG - I should not read posts like yours anymore because they get my blood pressure up. And I will start hating every sick old person I see.

Misery, I am angry for you. I won't tell you what i think you should do regarding your MIL and your husband because my post will probably be deleted.

Just follow the many good suggestions others have given you above. Good luck.

For my own sanity, i won't come back to this thread to read any more because i would get too upset.
Helpful Answer (10)

Misery, you're not listening to the key point.

The social workers say that MIL is capable of making her decisions and therefore cannot be forced into a nursing home.


However. MIL is NOT free to decide that she will live in somebody else's house. Any more than you can decide, just for example, that you'll drop in on a friend, fall asleep in her bedroom, and then refuse to leave.

You and DH (if the D part still applies) decide who lives in your house. MIL does not get to decide that. She is a consenting adult, therefore she is a self-contained unit, and her needs and resources can be assessed on that basis.

You may feel that DH bamboozled you into agreeing to her coming to live with you post-rehab, but the fact remains that you did agree. You were half responsible. You still are half responsible. The good news is that this gives you the authority to research and initiate changes. Look for a specific alternative - visit facilities, find out what is possible. You don't need anyone else's permission to do that. Set up a worked-out plan. Tell MIL the plan, with an ultimatum attached: she accepts it, or you take your 11 year old and you walk.

So. No social worker can tell you that you are forced to care 24/7 for your seriously disabled MIL in your home. You're not. Do something about it.

And if you're spending $500 a week on her groceries I'm not surprised she weighs 200lbs. Stop it!
Helpful Answer (19)

Like polarbear, reading posts like this get me upset. Abuse of the caregiver is so common, it seems.

I like the idea of going to your doctor and getting a note that you are not to be lifting MIL. I have it in the back of my mind to tell everyone that my doctor says I am not to be doing caregiving for my mother if it ever got to that point because it would affect my mental health. Caregivers have rights.

Yes, your MIL is competent, but so are you. YOU don't have to put up with this slavery scenario.

Please keep us updated, and please have the courage to take the necessary steps to end this horrible situation.
Helpful Answer (11)

I also feel upset by this post but feel great concern for you and your son. I would limit her food intake if you are solely responsible for her receiving it. I also have a mother who weighs this. It has upset me for years but I have to let it go. She is in assisted living and swears she is not overeating. I think her body has simply reached this weight and short of being hospitalized which was how she last lost weight nothing will change. She has a strong disconnect with reality. I worry about her weight in the future. She is not overly mobile. But I cant change it. She chose this. When my husband and I cleaned out her apartment we found numerous requests from doctors pleading with her to lose weight. I think it is part of the reason I dont want to spend alot of time with her. She has self sabotaged for decades. I can feel quilty at times but am powerless over this issue. I do believe your MIL should be removed from your home. It sounds as though her residing there is beyond toxic and you and your son do not deserve that. I would hope your husband might see the light of day on this issue. I very much hope you find a solution. You are in my thoughts.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report She is unable to scratch her own privates, but she can operate that damned remote, can't she?! Does she have a motorized hospital bed? If not, get one. Medicare will pay for it. Get her doctor to order it. If you can get one of the nicer Hill-Rom beds, even better. They tilt in all directions which will make turning and sliding her MUCH easier. I've seen them for sale on Craigslist.

NO WAY would I be paying for her groceries and diapers if she is getting $3,000 per month. Is she wearing maximum overnight Depends? I'd be cutting back on the water pills too, or adjusting the time the pill is given.

Sounds like you already have back issues. What is hubby gonna do with her when you are crippled? Bet he will suddenly find that a NH is O.K. Totally angers me to read stories like this!

This simply cannot go on. MIL is going to OUTLIVE you if you are unable to put a stop to this. She has enough income to hire an aide to come there daily for a couple of hours to get her out of bed, showered and dressed. She needs Home Health PT NOW.

This story and ALL the others nightmare stories like it on this site should be a lesson for those who read them. It is MUCH easier to put a loved one into a SNF upon leaving the hospital and then take them home later if you find the facility is not acceptable than it is to take them home, KILL YOURSELF taking care of them, and then trying to put them into a facility.

The key is to visit the person at the facility DAILY and at random times. The staff knows who has family visiting regularly.
Helpful Answer (7)

She has not been paying her bills does not sound like she makes any good decisions. Have you told her she can not continue living with you and see if she can make a plan. I do not think she can. I do not think she is capable of caring or making involved decisions for her self.
Helpful Answer (6)

Thank you all. I'm not getting a divorce. As for my son he is very understanding and we talk all the time about it. It has affected him too because I can't go to his school functions or pick up and do the regular summer activities that we use to do but he understands. He tells me that it's to much for me and I'm always angry but he says he understands.

As for my MIL she's being sued by her creditors for her debt. She's 71 yrs old, had multiple strokes, has diabetes, high blood pressure, and cataracts and glaucoma. The therapists sent by the rehab facility gave her exercises to do and she just wouldn't do them. Her doctor wanted to send his own but she said she didn't want to do it so he said there was no sense in sending them if she was refusing to do the therapy. She use to lie to the nurses and therapists that the facility sent and I would rat her out. I told her when she first came that I would not stand for her lying because she's been doing it for yrs although it seems that I'm the only one who knew she was always lying. I sit down with her daily and explain everything you all have recommended. I know that it sounds like it but I'm not a push over. I have a big heart. I speak up for myself on a daily basis. We recently found out that she was intentionally trying to make it hard for us but mainly me because she wants to go home and she said that making it hard for the nurses at the rehab facility worked so well with getting her kicked out of there that she thought it would work here. I've told her that if she doesn't try to get better and help me and I can't do it anymore she's going to have to go to a home. My husband told her that if she keeps doing things intentionally to make it hard on me that he can make her life even harder. I've explained over and over that she's screwed without me and that if she wants to go back to her house she needs to find someone that can care for her 24/7. When she hears things that she doesn't like she just changes the subject. She is on a diet because of her diabetes but her diabetes is also the cause of her weight.

Believe me I know my husband sounds like an a@@ but 2 yrs ago when my father was battling cancer the last 3 months of his life and I was rushing him to the ER every other day and then staying with him in the hospital until his last breath my husband was there for me the whole time. He didn't hesitate to help my mom and help with carrying my dad and doing the 3 hr drive to my parents on a weekly basis to tend to things at their house. After my father passed my husband didn't hesitate to help my mom with all the things my father did around the house and still doesn't hesitate. It wouldn't be right for me to bail on him. He's just as confused. He wants to do right by his mother and he apologizes everyday for getting me into this but he does say and do some insensitive things when he gets mad or frustrated. I get it. It's his mom and he felt that he had to do right by her.

We've talked to a lawyer and my husband would have to get guardianship over her to force her into a home. In order to do that she would have to be deemed incapable of making her own decisions. APS, nurses, docs, and social workers have all said that she's capable of making her own decisions even if she is making all the wrong decisions.

Prior to this like I've said she wasn't much better off. While she was living at her home needing help she moved strangers that she met just move in with her. They all stole her money because she gave them free range of her cards and checking accounts. She ended up wiping out the grandkids accounts that her husband set up prior to his passing, stopped paying her bills, paid for everything for the losers she moved in with her, she is an alcoholic too and would get drunk and buy everything she say on info commercials, she fell for scams that got her for a total of $20,000.00, and got so far in debt that she was paying thousands of dollars in overdraft fees. Then when those same losers left our phone rang off the hook all hours of the day and night with "I need this... I need that...". She would call here at 3 am saying she fell and needed someone to pick her up. We sent APS to her house then too and as usual they said that she's able to make her own decisions. She even had a black eye from falling when APS was there. She lied to them and the social workers while she was in rehab and here too and we told them she was lying but they all said the same thing, she's making the wrong decisions but she's capable of making her own decisions.

We have been calling homes but because she doesn't qualify for Medicaid, she's not in a hospital, and she's not declared at risk since we are caring for her there's well over a yr wait for a room because those coming directly from a hospital that qualify for Medicaid come first. We could just let her go back to her house but trust me we've been there and she won't hire a nurse 24/7 and will just move someone in with her that she met going from door to door selling things and they'll just steal everything and leave like everyone else over the past 11 yrs. Then we get the phone call and my husband ends up running between both houses a number of times each day. If he's at work then it's me doing the running. Getting her mail, taking her trash and recycles out, getting her mail, grocery shopping, and picking her up off her floor. Yes we can say we're not going to do it and I've told her that we can't and we won't do it if she goes home. She just says "yeah" and changes the subject. Being in this family as long as I have, 23 yrs, I know exactly what that means. It means yeah ok I'm not going to listen and still call you for everything. I know she's miserable here because she's not allowed to have alcohol and I don't allow smoking in our house but her doctor doesn't want her doing either and for years up until now she's been lying to them about doing both. I told my husband that if she came here there would be neither and not 2 minutes after we got her in our door and asked her if she needed anything she said a beer and my husband that quick caved and allowed her to drink. We got into a huge argument and he asked me what I wanted him to do and I point blank told him that he needed to quit his job and care for her because I wasn't taking care of a drunk and she couldn't walk as is and her drinking was just going to make it harder. I ratted them both out to her doctor and the doctor told them both no more and she hasn't drank since but continues to ask for cigarettes. I asked her where she was going to smoke because it wasn't going to be in my house and she said outside. I told her that I was not going to take her outside every 5 minutes to smoke because she smoked like a chimney and if she could get up and walk outside then she could smoke but she can't so... I smoke myself but not in my house or cars because of my son. That doesn't stop her from asking though. She suffered aphasia from these last strokes but all her other problems were from her 2009 strokes and refusing therapy back then so no amount of therapy is going to fix problems that have set in over the past 9 yrs from not doing what she was supposed to do. I went to school for nursing until my injuries leading to my degenerative disc disease and thoracic outlet syndrome happened then I had to drop it because I couldn't do everything required by a nurse so now I'm going for radiation therapy. I told her that if she wants to go home then do her therapy and be able to use a walker, go to the bathroom and wipe herself on her own and she can go. She just says "yeah" then lies to me and says she does her exercises while she's in her chair but I'm here all day and I have never seen her doing anything but sleeping in her lift chair or watching tv and she's in my family room so I can see her all day and she's not doing them. I told her that she's not a child she's a grown woman and I shouldn't have to tell her to do them and that she knows what she has to do. I told her I can't make her do them or do them for her because my legs and feet don't need them. She just won't do what she's told and lies about it.

I'm well educated, I know our laws (we have talked to a lawyer), I know how our system works and it's horrible, I have researched and that's how I found this site. The problem is that if we allow her to go home with no care and something happens to her we will be held responsible because the rehab facility wouldn't let her go back to her house or come home without guaranteeing that she would have 24/7 care. Unfortunately since my husband told them during the family meeting that only involved him and not me or his brother that he would do it that's why she was allowed to come home. They wanted her out of there and gave my husband a weeks notice and he didn't know what to do so that's why the decision to bring her here was made. He said if it was to hard for us then he would put her in a home but he had to try. I explained that once she came here it was not going to be easy to send her to a home but him being a man thinking he knows everything didn't listen and now we're in this situation. My neighbor is going through the same thing and said if she falls they'll make her go back into the hospital but that didn't happen when I had to call 911.

From everything we've been told and everything I have found the only way to get her into a home is for her to have another incident that lands her in the hospital for at least 3 days then say we can no longer do it and they can then send her to a home. Yes this is partially my fault, my husband's fault, and the rehab facility's fault for their last minute decision and making my husband make a split second decision. The rehab place was horrible. The nurses told her she was to heavy to take her to the bathroom and these nurses we're 2-3 times my size. They made her lay or sit in a saturated diaper for long hours. When they said that to her she told them that I was small but I could do it because everyday we went to visit her and she would ask me to take her to the bathroom and I would. My husband would get her out of bed and into her chair and back in bed when we were there. They wanted her gone because she was harassing them so they would kick her out and as soon as she told them that we could do it they told us that she was being sent to our home in 1 week. We had no bed, no medical equipment, no anything ready for her. I had to get on the phone and try to get everything here before she got here. Her bed got here the day she got here. I had to use my credit card to pay for it because the rehab facility said it was not medically needed so Medicare wouldn't pay for it. The rehab facility knew how bad off she was but wanted her gone. I was up there everyday for that week arguing with them. I told their own social worker that I would be the one caring for her because my husband worked and told them that I couldn't because of my health issues and my schooling. She point blank told me I couldn't go to school and had to care for my MIL 24/7 and she was sorry about my health problems but there was nothing she could do. The social worker we had come to the house after she got here said the same thing and said she would be back in 2 weeks to see if things changed but never came back. She did give me a book with homes to call but made it known that since she's capable of making her own decisions that we can't make her go and if we allow her to go home and she gets hurt that we would be liable since we are now her caregivers. We've called about home nursing and her Medicare doesn't cover it and since she stopped paying her bills her supplemental insurance lapsed so she has none. Like I said it would be $7000.00 a month just for the time I'm in school and she doesn't get that much and if we had to pay the other 4 grand than we couldn't pay our bills. Our house is not big and we can't add anymore medical equipment to our house. Our house is over crowded now from all her medical needs and we can't even use the bathroom without having to remove all her things from in the bathroom and in the shower. When we bought this house 13 yrs ago we didn't plan for this. We were in the process of redoing the house before she came because we plan on moving to another state but that's been put on hold now. It's a fire hazard since we can't put up a ramp to the 5 steps that go up to our family room where she is and I can't get her out of the house on my own and this has been brought to the attention of the doctor, nurses, therapists, APS, and social workers but they just look at me and say nothing but to just sit her on the floor and let her scoot down the steps on her butt, but she can't even do that and they know it. When she fell and I had to call 911 I told her to lay down until they got here but she refused and complained about her back hurting from trying to hold herself in the sitting position so I had to sit behind her with my back up against hers to hold her up until they got here. Yeah I know. I didn't really have to but my dogs were going crazy because she was whining and complaining so loud and I can't put them outside by themselves without watching them because 1 is a puppy and not trained yet to not leave the yard. We're surrounded by woods and have lots of wildlife and no fence because our property is so big. My 3 yr old dog is trained but not the 4 month old puppy and they're both hunting dogs. Wasn't going to explain that but I figured someone would question it.

I came here hoping to find someone that may have been through the same situation that could maybe lead me in a direction that I may be missing but I'm guessing the only thing I was missing was to divorce my husband, uproot my son, and leave everything behind that I worked and paid for. The thought of leaving everything I have worked for since I was 14 to another woman never crossed my mind. I'm sure since a 2 bedroom apartment around here goes for 1300.00 a month plus 500.00 for each pet (2 dogs, 2cats) and my retirement disability is only 1600.00 a month and my car payment from my new car that I bought last year without knowing this was going to happen is $674.00 a month my son and I would be ok since my husband would have to quit his job and I wouldn't get any child support or alimony and here in our state a judge would get me for abandonment. Yes I've researched it all. I wish I could have explained more in my original post but it was well over the 5000 characters allowed and I just tried to get the main issues in. It took me 2 weeks to type that up and post it because it was to long and I had to keep cutting things out plus stopping to care for her. I've been trying to type this one up since 3 am this morning and it's now going on 9 am.

I appreciate everyone's response but divorce and walking away from everything I have worked for is not an option but I am taking everyone's advice and going away for a while. My son and I are going to visit my mom and help her with what she needs help with since my father's passing like I've been doing. It's not much so I'll get a break, sleep, relaxation, and get to eat more. My husband is going to take a vacation to stay and take care of her. I guess this is what I'll do every time I feel caregiver burnout coming on until something gives that allows us to put her in a home. My husband agrees that I need a break and after talking to him yesterday it he actually recommended that I get away and go spend time with my mom and take our son to the beach because that's where my mom lives. So in a few weeks we're off on vacation.

Thank you all and I apologize if at anytime in this comment I sounded rude. That was not my intentions. I just wanted you to have the whole story and I'm sure that I still left things out but I lose track with having to stop every 5 minutes to tend to her.

Thank you again!
Helpful Answer (9)

By all means, take her back to her home and then call authorities. You cannot continue to live this nightmare.
Helpful Answer (5)

Misery, I feel sorry that you’re going through all this, but I don’t pity you. I believe that if you truly wanted a solution to this, you’d find one no matter what it takes. Don’t kid yourself that your 11 year old son “understands” just because you talk to him about it. You are most likely venting to him about Grandma but nothing changes. You are his mother, he loves you and sees what’s going on and he will say he understands just to keep the peace. What he understands is that you aren’t there for him but are for Grandma. Grandma is your child.

In reading your posts, I see a lots of threats. Everyone is threatening MIL, but it doesn’t amount to anything. Some of us even told you to threaten to walk out but you said that’s not possible. I believe posters advised you to leave because MIL won’t. I understand not wanting to uproot yourself and make such s big life change. It’s not easy and it’s traumatic. But to make your son grow up in this situation, watching what he must have to watch and being a part of all this stress is traumatic as well.

It remains to be seen if you and your son actually go on vacation. I predict that you’ll come back here and say something happened with MIL and you decided you couldn’t go.

If at some point MIL winds up back in the hospital, I would absolutely refuse to bring her back into my house. Tell the Social Worker and doctors that there is no place for her in your home and you are not strong enough to care for her. Hubby supports you, has to work and cannot care for her. The hospital will try to force you to take her back but in a perfect world, you’ll stick to your guns. She’ll become a ward of the state and be placed in a facility. They will care for her, she’ll stop eating $500 worth of food in a week and lo and behold, she may even become somewhat healthier. You’ll be able to go to school events and sports with your son. In a perfect world.

This is a vile and toxic situation. I know we all hope, for all your sakes, you seriously make a conscientious effort to find a solution.
Helpful Answer (13)

Misery, please come back nd tell us what is going on. We can help you think this through. And support you in your actions.
Helpful Answer (7)

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