I just got home from spending the night with my 91.5 year old father. I took care of him this morning, and now I am on zoom with work for our weekly meeting. I’m currently doing laundry and cleaning my kids’ rooms, so that we will be organized when school starts. My house is currently busting at the seems, and we are cleaning out everything — I have my sister’s things here after cleaning out her house (she committed suicide in 2014) and I have my mother’s and father’s things (I cleaned out my father’s house in 2016. Never got to organizing all of the stuff). I was worried my father would be a target for crime, as he keeps a safe and cash in his home, as well as silver and other lovely things that my mother had purchased. My parents’ house had never really been completely cleaned out after my mom died in 1982, as my father continued and continues to live there. I have been busy with two children who were born in 2008 and 2010, My father is always getting in trouble around money, and he trusts people who are like him: undereducated (he has a 7th grade education) and trusts people who stroke him/compliment him. They are always low-lifes with the same interests as him: smoking, alcohol and money. I lost my sister to a horrible suicide snd now my father is dying and I lost my mom at the age of 16. Our family dynamic has been complicated by death; mental illness and no coping skills and lots of denial on behalf of my father who is an alcoholic (no longer drinking, thank goodness) and his constant demanding, workaholic, critical, depressive self. I’m exhausted and today has been particularly hard day. I am trying to keep my emotions in check and just keep going. My father is mentally ill. He was cruel, as usual to my sister, and she went home and burned her house down. I feel like I am now going crazy. Everyone reaches a point of no return, and I am just about there. I want to be happy. Please help.
Reaching out is a great first step. It really helped me in the past, knowing that I wasn’t alone in my suffering. I suffer from PSTD, and have good days and bad days. After I sought help, there have been more good days than bad.
Part of the process of recovery is voicing your feelings to those who love you, like a spouse or your children. Let them know that you’re overwhelmed and feeing burnt out. My children are little, but even sharing with them in kindergarten terms and words helped. They understood that I was sad, and that I was struggling. They wanted to help. They hugged me and kissed me, and promised to play quietly and not argue (unprompted by me). Those who love you will want to help. Even just their understanding that you’re suffering is help. It signifies that you’re not alone in your suffering.
If you don’t want to go a therapist route, but still feel you need a bit of help to muddle through your jumble of thoughts, try this free website. I love it.
https://www.online-therapy.com
You can consult with a therapist, or it can be completely self-directed. I found it so helpful redirecting my thought patterns.
That’s you doing self-care. When you feel good you are much more able to support others.
Remember what they say on airplanes? If the oxygen masks come down, you put one on yourself first, THEN the one you’re looking after. Know why that is? Because if you’re dead, you’re of no use to them whatsoever. To help those around you, you must look after yourself too. You deserve it.
Best of luck.
1. How can your children help? They're 11 and 13, right? When we were that age we helped with the laundry (old ringer type washer), carried it upstairs and outdoors to hang.
My parents bought a cottage; Mom, my sister and I cleaned it weekly during the summer as my parents rented it out. We all helped with 2 gardens.
Children today need a diversion from all the tech absorption; focusing on something positive can be helpful for them, and they have to learn basic cleaning anyway for when they're grown and have their own homes.
Not to mention, it creates bonding with the family.
2. Whole house cleaning is a major, if not overwhelming undertaking. Prioritize- which rooms are the most important? And how much needs to be cleared now to provide access and cleanliness, and how much can be done later?
3. What are your specific goals besides whole house cleaning, i.e., do you want to donate or dispose of your sister's and or parents' belongings, or do you want to prepare the children's rooms prior to school?
Prioritize in a list with the most important and the least important.
One of my jobs was a complex public works project in which a scheduling method known as Critical Path Method was used. Tasks were identified, prioritized, with essential and nonessential tasks identified and allocated accordingly. CPM programs were used; the tasks of multiple contractors on a multi-million dollar project was very complex.
An household example would be that it might be more important to assess and organize your children's wardrobes for school than it is for top to bottom scrubbing and cleaning. What's important for back to school preparation?
Another example in care for your father is addressing how to keep him and his valuables safe. What are the issues, vulnerabilities, and what can you do to counteract them?
Another allocation method is "stacked and linear" and it's easier to implement than CPM. Again, identify your goals, prioritize tasks needed to accomplish them, and work on the high priority ones first. Others can be done at leisure.
I confess that I plan tasks to the point of sometimes not being able to accomplish anything b/c I have to much that I want to get done. That's when I take a breather and draft my own simple schedules.
These are not "either or" situations; they're prioritization situations.
BTW, rest and relaxation for everyone is a major goal of every day!
Has he seen a doctor lately? Has he been diagnosed with any dementia? (often common with prolonged alcohol use) If so you should see an Elder Care Attorney so that you can manage his finances so that he is not taken advantage of again.
YOU need to take care of you. PLEASE Contact your doctor and ask for a referral (If a referral is needed) to a therapist.
As to all the "stuff"
I realize that Estate Sale companies charge a % but would it not be easier to let someone else go through the stuff so you do not have to deal with most of it.
Valuable items can be sold
Items no one wants can be donated or tossed.
warm bath/shower. warm cup of tea, hot chocolate.
if possible, hire helpers. decrease your to-do-list.
if possible, vacation, get away. even for a few days, even for a few hours.
somewhere beautiful.
somewhere with beautiful nature? nature is healing.
you have children - maybe you can plan the vacation for later/soon, something for you to look forward to.
hug!!!
As far as dad goes, what steps can YOU take to step back a bit with his care? Can you arrange for a caregiver or two to go into his home to help him out? And arrange for the lovely things & cash in his home to go into his safe where they can stay secure? You can't control HIS life unless you apply for guardianship over him (you put this under ALZ/dementia, so I assume he is afflicted with dementia and that's why he's acting this way). If you do that, you can have him placed in a Memory Care ALF where you know he'll be safe & secure. That's a big undertaking, however, and one you may not want to take on. Perhaps paid caregivers coming into his home will relieve YOU of one more burden on your shoulders. You can't expect to spread yourself SO thin to where you're spending nights with dad, coming home to a house and 2 children to care for, a job, etc. and then also expecting yourself to be 'happy' and adjusted to a life that NOBODY can manage!!!! You're not Superwoman, after all, nor should you want to be.
If you can figure out how to take a lot of these obligations off of your plate and declutter your life a bit, that may help you out more than anything else. Getting your PCP involved for a referral for therapy/meds, etc. is also a step in the right direction.
Wishing you the very best of luck getting this whole mess sorted out and putting yourself first, for a change. You deserve to do that.