80yo father & BULLY with Osteomyelitis & Pseudomonas Bone Infection post Metatarsal amputation, Type 2 Diabetic. LSS> Unhealed Wounds, infection, gangrene, collapsed stent led to ER, replacement of stent and a metatarsal amputation (toes + appx 1.5" more). Dad didn't think he needed to see a doctor when his wound wasn't healing and his leg was red and swollen. Doesn't take care of his Type 2 diabetes & loves Happy Hour.
I'm self-employed. The whole demise started the week before Thanksgiving. That's almost (9) weeks I've been unable to work more than 10-20 hours a week.
He checked himself out of rehab 3 days ago returning independent living facility. He was enjoying bourbon with dinner by end of day. My whole week has been hijacked yet again. I am now in danger of missing important payments and am sick about it with no end in sight.
Xray today confirmed bone infection in remaining foot, doppler & ultrasound showed peripheral loss of blood flow in lower leg. Docs said decisions on next action to be made in a week regarding how much more to amputate unless he ends up in ER before then.
I have a Durable POA that is not predicated on him being of sound mind or not. The Health POA is. Dad got paranoid when I gave the hospital his Living Will, my Durable POA and the Health Surrogate Paperwork. His control freak, freaked. Called his investment advisor the next day and they brought paperwork for him to sign removing me as POA with them unless he was no longer of sound mind. He also threatened the hospital and told them they were not allowed to talk to me at all. I found this out the week after he was discharged which helped me to understand the literal nightmare of the whole hospital experience.
I haven't been able to work, nor commit to any more client projects because my brother isn't able to help much. My liquidity is almost nonexistent due to Covid and a fire loss the next year. I can't afford to not work right now. After I confronted him about the hospital fiasco, Dad asked for his wallet and credit cards back. I let him know what bills I had paid with the debit card, and some of my expenses I had paid with the credit card. He lost it, called me a thief etc. and said he had not asked for my help in any way and that he didn't need it and I should have been working instead. None of this is true, and he pulled the same bs when my mom died a year ago.
I suggested we hire someone to execute my POA, and handle health advocacy etc. to allow me to just be his daughter. He did not like that idea. I told him that I could not afford to help any more than any working child could help, and that it would have to be in my spare time. I also told him that I could not afford to cover the cost of the (90) mile round trip, nor of all the other things he asked me to do or buy for him. He said he would "pay me" the same as I had been paid to be my Aunt's POA when he needed me. This was him being manipulative not understanding.
I consulted with the trust attorney regarding my legal responsibilities, as well as my rights and am trying to draw very clear boundaries. My father is a bully, is very demeaning and nasty, extremely selfish and the list goes on. Between the times his sugar is high and the alcohol, he's worse. He argues about everything, and I am always "stupid" despite my very high IQ.
If I am drowning, I cannot help him or anyone else. My overhead is substantial, office, home, work vehicles, commitments to independent contractors etc. If I were to truly be compensated enough to cover my base overhead, it would cost more than hiring someone.
Legally I am allowed to compensate myself for acting as POA and reimburse for expenses. He becomes so angry and belittling when I try to discuss his bills, my compensation etc. that I have been making decisions without him. That makes him angrier and fuels paranoia. He inherited a life changing amount when my mother died. I have even thought of suggesting he "front" me some of my "future" inheritance to ride the storm out.
What should I do?
Leave him to his own devices.
You're the parent here.
You can't help your dad if you're starving for oxygen. You have to get oxygen (work/money/etc.) before Dad gets it. That's simply reality, and if both can't be achieved, then Dad either goes down or he finds someone else to give him the attention he needs.
It isn't cruel -- it's reality. Don't overcomplicate it.
I think those words apply in this situation.
Wishing you the very best.
You say : "I suggested we hire someone to execute my POA, and handle health advocacy etc. to allow me to just be his daughter. He did not like that idea."
For me THAT SAYS IT ALL.
Problem here is that you SUGGESTED to a BULLY. Your words. Bullies don't take suggestions. So it is time to STATE CLEARLY/
It is difficult enough to be POA for a well organized, rational, cooperative man; I know as I did it.
As to money, that you should not be spending your own. What will you do when you have no savings as an elder and there is no one to spend their own money on YOU?
You will not change your Dad. And you will never hear from him "Thank God for you! I don't know what I would ever have done without you. You are the best daughter in the world".
Were this me I would now step away. I would discuss with family members whether or not anyone ELSE wants POA (and would let them know it is impossible with this gentleman) and then I would see an elder law attorney to find out how to step away from being the POA. I would hand my Dad the resignation and give him a kiss and say "Love you Dad and wish you the best" and I would walk out the door. Seeing him in future when he is nice, and not when he isn't.
I don't know if your father is rational or is not, and to be frank, I don't care. I would be so out of there right now.
If you stay, trying to take care of this person, do know that is your own choice. Not everything in life can be fixed, and from the drinking to the bullying, I suspect this man falls into that category.
Again, this is your choice. We can't make it for you. We can only tell you what WE would do. I just did.
Don't think that our hearts don't go out to you in this pain. It most certainly DOES. I wish you the best.
So, If you have access to his bank account write yourself a check to reimburse yourself, keeping all the receipts in an envelope with the #of the check or copy of withdrawal. As POA u should not be out of pocket.
At this point, step back. You can do nothing if Dad does not allow it. If you get a call from the hospital just say thanks for calling. You going will not help if he gets agitated. Believe me, I would not drive 3 hrs for someone who verbally abuses me. If they ask for you to make decisions or sign something just tell them your POAs are not in effect until Dad is declared incompetent. For now, they only deal with Dad.
I do think there is some cognitive impairment with your Dad to act the way he does but that does not mean you need to deal with it. What needs to be explained to your Dad is without a POA the State can eventually take over his care. It works like this, he is in Rehab again and its found he needs 24/7 care and releasing him means an "unsafe discharge" because there is no care for him at home. (Don't allow them to tell u there is help. Once u take him out of the facility, finding him help is your responsibility and being self-employed means this would be hard on you) If no one is willing to take on finding him care or caring for him, a State guardian will be set up and he will be placed in a facility he can afford. His money will be overseen by the guardian. He will have no access to it. A stranger will be making decisions for him and you will not be in the loop.
Inheritance I would not depend on at this point. Your Dad is not taking his illness seriously. The infection, especially in the bone, is very serious and throw in diabetes. Infection I think throws diabetes out of wak. He is going to find himself in Skilled Nursing facility. Paying big bucks, like 10k a month, for the pleasure of being there. When his money runs out then its Medicaid. By loaning u or gifting you money, there will be a penalty placed against him. Your Dad needs to realize that this infection will kill him if not treated properly. If he does not care, then you shouldn't either. You should not sacrifice your business for someone who does not give a d**n about his own life. I am sure the doctors have told him the consequences of his decisions. Please, just allow things to go they way they are going. He will eventually be placed in a SNF. An AL will not be able to handle his care. Don't give up your life for a father who could care less about what happens to himself.
I don't think telling the investment company to no longer deal with you changes the original POA. That needs to be done by the lawyer that wrote it up, or any lawyer really. Just by changing the wording from immediate to the need for him to be declared incompetent on his financial. For an internet form you need a witness and a notary.
I appreciate you AND this forum. When you are in the thick of it, it can be difficult to see things objectively. Not to mention, consistently rise above the father child toxic dynamic.
I love this "If they ask for you to make decisions or sign something just tell them your POAs are not in effect until Dad is declared incompetent. For now, they only deal with Dad. " AND yes, he needs to be reminded what can happen without a POA. I also can't wait to use the "unsafe discharge" language....
In the meantime, again, thank you so much. Ever word is spot on. Love
Your father has made his bed and you must now let him lie in it.
You deserve SO much better!!!
I can read the overwhelm & upset - let's slow down & simplify. Pull out some facts to start.
1. "I'm self employed"
2. "He (Dad) checked himself out of rehab 3 days ago returning independent living facility".
1. has nothing to do with 2.
You work...
Dad continues his life...
?
I am glad that she found this forum. I hope she finds a viable solution soon.
courage. deep breath.
i don’t know if what i write here helps you. every case is different. and in the end, YOU really know best what to do, because the consequences fall on YOU, not on any forum member giving advice. so follow YOU.
anyway,
i’m sure you’ve already thought about it, but:
1.
how about hiring caregivers? he inherited a lot of money. he should use it. he might refuse caregivers, but how about you go ahead with it anyway?
i understand he’s in an independent living facility. even if you move him to another facility with more care, you can still hire extra help/caregivers. the more help he has, the less problems land on you.
2.
i suggest you keep the POA; don’t hire someone else to be POA. i wouldn’t trust someone else to deal with the money/POA. but of course i understand, some adult children refuse to be the POA, so they can have less contact with the bully parent. but it’s just my opinion, keep the POA.
3.
reimburse yourself for the expenses, even if your father gets mad. you have a RIGHT to get reimbursed. your father has no right to bankrupt you, while you kindly help. many kind adult children are being bankrupted/financially ruined, while they help.
4.
“I have even thought of suggesting he "front" me some of my "future" inheritance to ride the storm out.”
don’t do that. it’s his money. BUT do reimburse yourself whatever you’re owed. you should absolutely get compensated financially.
5.
what you need is a plan so less problems land on you. someone who can replace you. your father has money. go for it. search for extra caregivers who can deal with various problems.
hug!!
yes, yes to keeping the POA and hiring others. ((hugs))
Walk away from dad and focus on yourself and supporting yourself. Do not try to clean up the mess he is creating for himself.
Dont hold out hope for an inheritance that may or may not be there once parent passes (many a promise of an inheritance has been used to control and manipulate adult children into throwing away their lives and financial stability to care for an elder). And I am all for adult children getting an inheritance and also getting paid to care for adult parents. But too many have been duped by this and been sorely disappointed when all is said and done.
He may very well blow through all that money. For your sake I hope he passes before that happens because I have a feeling you are not going to wash your hands of dad.
He refuses to pay you so you must get back to work and making money.
And F--k him. He sounds like a real azz.
Who could blame her if she walked away and never spoke to him again? I think anyone would understand in her situation that enough is enough.
Are you both the beneficiaries of the trust? So your brother will inherit (presumably a very substantial amount) while doing nothing?
You need to get yourself into the same position as he is in somehow. Back off, and let your father get someone else to do what you have been doing.
I am so sorry that you are going through this awful situation.
Stick around, others will have advice for you.
Wishing you all the best as you navigate your way through this difficult time.