Follow
Share

I used to work two and a half jobs for 20 years before quitting and finally fulfilling my dream of buying a home living in Florida. After my Dad passed 7 years ago I moved in with my Mom. I finally have my home and a break before going back to work so I can work on my house. My Mom is sweet but is with me 24/7, up early in the morning and stays up late. My older brother lives in the area. I foolishly thought he might give me some support once I moved here. A break now and then.....uh no. For one he has never had to take care of anyone other than himself. He has worked part time for 10 years in the evenings yet always has something he 'has to do' during the day.


Before moving here he promised to take Mom out and do things with her during the day so I could finally have a break (practice some self-care) and get my home in order. I shipped all my parents antiques and furniture here for my Mom. My brother is more interested in what we have in all the boxes and looking in our fridge for food plus washing his laundry here once a week because he doesn't have a washer dryer. I set boundaries but he still thinks mowing the lawn once a week is 'helping' (I'm buying my own mower this week). I need time alone. Every suggestion I give my Mom for doing something she doesn't like. She doesnt want to to go the beach, doesn't swim, doesn't like the local senior center (I don't blame her). Even as I type this she walks around sighing loudly. Her way of telling me she's bored. I ask her what she would like to do and suggest fun things, but she tells me "oh I don't know I'm fine. What do you think?'


I can't entertain her 24/7 but then she gets frustrated and I'm tied up in knots. My siblings think they're going to inherit antiques and my Mother's bank funds though have never-never done anything for them, never contributed when I was paying mom and dad's groceries and cooking for them in between working two jobs. My health is failing. Short of shouting from a rooftop, I have expressed this a million different ways both calmly and with frustration. Oh and my brother sees me as not working, only hanging around the house with Mom. Totally ignoring the fact I cared for our parents while I worked for years. Completely oblivious of what I do and what caring for a 93 year old with dementia involves (though I have explained and written down). When my brother does take my mom out, she says "well he's gonna come drag me outta here, so you can get rid of me and be by yourself".... She isn't stupid, she knows my brother only comes to take her out because I need to be alone but somehow makes me feel guilty. I'm at my wit's end. Any advice is welcomed!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
My mother never had hobbies, except reading, so after she stopped reading, she just watched tv or listened to music ( I bought a turntable and went to thrift shops to find old albums) There is not a lot you can do about it. Your brother sounds a lot like mine. Don't listen to guilt trips, and like others said - get brother a chore that he can do, or suggest that he might donate some money to hire people, if he doesn't want to personally help. Use mother's bank account to hire someone to take your mother out to movies, etc.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Burnout66 Sep 26, 2019
Thank you so much LS. I appreciate your input as well....I'll admit its difficult for me to delegate, always being the one doing everything. However I've begun asking for help from my bro doing tasks here and there and find he has been quite receptive! 🙂 Baby steps right?
(0)
Report
While you are pondering permanent options, consider helping your mom and yourself by hiring a reputable in-home service to provide a part-time companion for your mom. I am currently using Visiting Angels for a companion to my 2 elderly aunts in FL and they love their "angel" after first being very resistant to the thought of having a "stranger" hang out in their house. This angel takes them for walks, plays cards with them, does light housekeeping, bathroom help, etc. She comes 4 hrs a day 5 days a week. She even drives them on errands, hair appts, etc. Just a thought. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Burnout66 Sep 23, 2019
Wow Thank you for this info!! I will look them up.
(0)
Report
All very good points below. Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I am new at dealing with dementia and need to educate myself more. My Mom is a sweetheart and never demanded anything before nor made me feel guilty. Her frustration is just that, frustration. Her words, though jarring could be due to her dementia. Will find out. Not easy watching a loving parent age and all that comes with it. Im overtired and need to hit the refresh button. As for my brother I must set more boundaries and yes assign other things he might be helpful with. If he declines, I cannot force him nor spend my life being upset about people and situations i cannot change. I am overtired but not incapable of changing things I do have some control over. I do appreciate all input. Will push on and seek out resources to help me and my Mother.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I think mother knows exactly what she's doing when she's loudly sighing and being dramatic, dementia aside. My mother suffers from dementia, too, but knows exactly what SHE'S doing LOTS of times, trust me. They DO have plenty of lucid moments and also rely on muscle memory to push our buttons......they don't forget how to do THAT until much, much later down the dementia highway. I can already hear others saying how Ridiculous my statement is, but it really isn't...........everyone is different and manipulating mothers will ALWAYS be manipulating mothers.

Anyway....it may be time to cut your losses, sell the house, get mother placed somewhere else outside of your immediate presence, and let brother dear know that the laundromat in your home is now permanently CLOSED. Shame on him. Let mother take some of her lovely antiques with her to her new apartment in Memory Care and get yourself a much smaller, more manageable place which will only require one job to pay the rent or mortgage for. You've already said mother has bank funds, so now is the time to USE them to pay for her care, don't you think? The purpose of a savings account is to take care of oneself in old age........not to leave a huge inheritance for their children.

It's time to take care of YOU now and let others take care of mother. Don't be one of the caregiver statistics that winds up dying BEFORE the elder!!

Best of luck!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Not sure what you are asking, what is the guilt all about? Check out a senior day care place in your area, take your mother there a couple of days a week so that you can regain at least a part of your life. You are spending too much time with her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I’m wondering here what your question really is. Are you trying to find some entertainment and amusements for Mom or just more or less royally p—-ed at your do nothing family?

After being on this forum for many years, I have to say that at least 95% of posters here truly regret living with their parents. What seemed like a good idea at the time didn’t turn out to be so great. You are not living in the home you bought?

At this point, since Mom seems to be suffering from incurable ennui, stop making suggestions. She is most likely enjoying poo-pooing your ideas and walking around dramatically sighing when she’s sure you’ll hear her. Explain to her that you’re resigning as her entertainment committee and when she wants to do something to let you know. Dump it into her lap.

As for brother, come up with more things that have to be done; little fixer-upper jobs you need “help”with, even taking Mom shopping, etc while he’s there. If he knows you’re going to inundate him with these things, he may find a laundromat.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Why do you feel compelled to listen and react to what she says, much less to feel that you need to be responsible for her comments?
Your mom has dementia. That means that what she says may mean something very different from factual interchanges that would be expected among people who do not have dementia.
You say she “isn’t stupid”, and you may or may not be correct with that statement but she STILL has dementia, and her symptoms will become progressively worse.
Nothing that your brother says or does not say will change that.
Assume that your brother will not offer to do any more than he does now.
If your mother’s dementia related behavior bothers you, seek out a safe pleasant residential setting that she can afford, and place her there.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter