I’m burnt out caregiving for my wife. Any suggestions?

I’m not attempting to diagnose your wife, but it sounds a bit odd comparing it with me.

I have a double curve scoliosis, thoracic about 55 degree curve, lumbar just a bit less. I have very mild asthma, and coughing hurts my twisted rib cage. I have prescription codeine/ paracetamol (acetaminophen). My script allows me up to 6 tablets a day, 180mg of codeine, 300mg of paracetamol. Codeine is the least addictive of all opioid drugs. I only take what I need, usually 3 or less, and I am not addicted.

My husband splits tasks with me. For example, I hang the small washing items on a small rack, he hangs the sheets on the line because the stretching isn’t good for me. I do the cooking, he chops up any hard veges and at present he is doing most of the washing up. We both have Covid at the moment, oh joy, so I am lying down a bit more than usual. I try to limit walking to about an hour at one time. I love our large local Desert Park, and I use a motor scooter to get around it because of its back support.

I’m giving details, because it sounds as though your wife is far less ‘abled’ than I am. I would suggest that you consider a medical check for the best way to treat the asthma, for pain medication for the lumbar/sciatica pain, and an OT for the most helpful furniture you can find. I would sincerely hope that your wife can do more, and you can split jobs so you do less. Check the difference between ‘enabling’ and ‘disabling’ - it’s always important.

Is she trying to help herself and improve her condition? Or is she liking having you do as much as possible for her? I would be burnt out and a bit angry if my spouse were not helping out. It's like that with my mom, thankfully not spouse.

Asthma - is it treated? Is treatment not working? Is she compliant with treatment plan?

Back pain - does she exercise to help her pain? Has she ever been to PT for it? Does she take any pain meds?

If she can't/won't do all she can to improve her health and help out, then you must hire some help. A housecleaner is an easy first step.

Best of luck.

I have asthma. I have to use an inhaler daily and keep a rescue inhaler on me at all times.

I was born with L5-S1 fused together. So the sciatic nerve gets triggered and it hurts. When it acts up, sitting for long periods of time will get too painful. Getting up can be a slow process. Physical therapy, stretching, and a chiropractor helped with my back.

Point is, neither of these things are debilitating. (And I’m almost 50 and got some extra pounds on me.) Unless your wife has other health problems, she shouldn’t be needing constant help. The worst thing for her to do would be sitting or lying down all day.

She probably can walk longer than she thinks. You need to encourage her to walk. Maybe she likes being helped 24/7?

Spouse Burn Out. No one person can take on the world nor a one sided relationship for to long. There needs to be a even playing field where each persons gets a break from the other. May I suggest Marriage counseling? Can you hire a house keeper to come in a couple times a week to help out......and what about family. None of what she has sounds like it will go away in fact it will only get worse over time. The next question you should be asking is what is she going to do is something happens to you, how will she manage. You need to have a serious conversation with our wife because if you don't something is going to break, either you or the marriage.

I assume the your wife has suffered from asthma for many years and that she has been treated with everything for it. Unfortunately, aging makes incurable conditions much worse. She must be old enough to have developed degenerative arthritis in her spine, mostly in the sacro-lumbar region. I'll bet that her asthma fits gives her intense lumbar pains. She must be suffering a great deal. As her caregiver, you're also under severe emotional and physical strain. I understand how difficult it must be for both of you to deal with all these challenges. There is no question that you both need outside help. As a former social worker, you must be familiar with the state agencies that assist the elderly. You certainly need caregivers to help caring for your wife. I hope you both will get the necessary assistance soon.

Maybe you need respite care, meaning your wife goes to facility for 2 weeks and you take nice vacations.

Is she not getting any treatment for her asthma? Pain?

I would invest in a couple of really nice adjustable chairs she can use when her back gets tired.

I think you should contribute to the running of the house, so figure out what she can do and what you can do and make it work together. You can always hire a housekeeper if helping is just to hard.

Does your wife use an inhaler for maintenance purposes (not a rescue inhaler) daily? And, does she have a nebulizer that she can use (which plugs into the wall) when the coughing starts? If not, both of these medications/treatments are great for asthmatics to get their disease under control. If your wife does not have a pulmonologist caring for her, I strongly suggest she get one b/c great strides have been made in asthma care over the last few years (I have asthma myself which is under control, thankfully).

In the meantime, if you are burned out, why not hire some in home caregivers to help with laundry, cooking/cleaning/vacuuming, etc? They can even run errands and give you respite from caregiving which you sorely need.

Best of luck!

Has your wife had a current medical evaluation for all of her concerns? Is she cooperating with treatment plans?

GWC, welcome!

Is your wife's asthma not able to be treated?