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I took my mom in with me and my husband less than a year ago... against her wishes. She has early Alzheimers dementia and couldn’t live alone anymore . It wasn’t safe for her to be alone. So we did what we thought was the right thing. Almost a year later my husband feels it was more than he bargained for and being in his 60’s is starting to get depressed himself. He feels she should be in a home although I’m on the fence I cherish both my husband and my mom I can’t stand to see my husband feeling like the life is being sucked from him by living with my mom. I’m just so stressed knowing if I do go ahead and get her placed she will not only give up since she says she finds no joy in life anymore but I’m not going to be able to spend time with her due to this awful Covid crisis restrictions.
Any advice or words of encouragement?

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Your mother didn't want to move out of her home. You state on your profile that one of the reasons she gave is that she likes her own space. Don't you think she might in fact be a lot more comfortable with having her own room, her own door, her own "territory" if you like, than she is sharing a home with you and your husband?

What sort of facilities are you considering? Have you talked to your mother about this?

I'm puzzled by a few details. You say your mother has "early" Alzheimers dementia; but if it's early, how are you taking these major life decisions for her against her own wishes? You also list quite a number of other health difficulties. What kind of professional support are you getting towards her care?

Altogether I wonder if you're feeling too much responsibility for factors which actually aren't within your control. It must be incredibly stressful for you, and you're setting yourself up to fail, too.
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Barbrany3 Aug 2020
My mom’s dementia is worsening since I had her move in with us. All her health issues are being addressed by her medical doctors. Mom currently has her own room and her own bathroom. She still is able to do some things for herself like feeding herself... most ADL’s she needs assistance. My husband just finds her very very depressing to be around and it’s bringing him down. He was agreeable to having her live with us but now is thinking differently. My mom continues to say she wants her own place but that cannot happen but when I suggest the only other alternative is a nursing home she shakes her head no.
Yes I may have made the wrong decision by moving her in with us but now I feel there’s no other choice but a nursing home for her. I do have things in place and have a few places in mind but this whole Covid thing makes it hard to pull the trigger.
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I agree with polar bear 100 percent!!! Your husband comes first!! Your mom even told you that she didn’t want to live with you because she didn’t want to be a burden. Start looking for nursing homes that will take her in. I’m in New York also. Check around and see if you can get her into a facility ASAP!! Your husband comes first!!
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Barb- your mother is sucking the life from your husband, that means she is essentially killing him. Why are you not doing something about it?

If this was his mom living in your house sucking the life out of you, would you want your husband to be on the fence as to what to do?

If you were your mother living with one of your kids and you were sucking the life out of your kid's spouse, what would you do if you were in your right mind? Would you want your kid to be a widow/er or divorcee and when you die, your kid will be all alone?
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Barbrany3 Aug 2020
Yes you are right. I don’t like seeing my husband chained to the house because of my mom. I do have a nursing home in mind for mom but it’s hard to pull the trigger. She doesn’t want to go there but I’m out of choices. Her dementia doesn’t allow her to live alone. I’m just feeling all kinds of guilt. I just need to pull the trigger before my husband decides he’s had enough.
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Barbrany3, you husband has priority over your mother. If your mother, who is currently living with you, is already saying she "finds no joy in life anymore" while under your roof, why do you think that keeping her in your home will be of any help to her? At least in a facility they will have activities and more socializing. I totally understand your concern about placing her, especially during covid, but there doesn't seem to be any other good options. Have you considered adult daycare, if any are open and your mom has the financial resources for it? This may be a transitional step that will ease things in your mind. Please check to see if your state is now allowing "essential caregivers" access to their LOs in facilities during covid. This is new in my state (MN) as of June. You will be able to go into the facility to be with her for a certain amount of time every day if desired. I wish you peace in your heart for whatever you decide.
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